For Love and Honor

by Jody Hedlund

  “I’ll help you.” Collin slipped his fingers through his tousled blond locks, brushing them off his forehead. Collin was likely the wealthiest man in the realm next to the king himself. He’d have no trouble helping me pay our family’s debt to Lord Pitt or any of the other neighbors. And yet I hesitated. I wasn’t sure I could accept charity from Collin any more than I could accept it from Sabine.

  “That’s not the trouble,” the duke said, clamping Collin on the shoulders. “We will help Bennet’s family with a financial arrangement—”

  “I can’t take anything.”

  “You’ll do it on loan,” the duke continued, “just as you agreed to do with Lady Sabine’s silver.”

  I closed my eyes for a moment and attempted to squelch my pride. I needed to accept this gracious offer from my friends. I couldn’t put my people, my family, or Sabine through another siege. They’d already suffered enough. Even so, my honor demanded that I do my best to pay my family’s debt without help.

  “Lord Pitt’s agreed to cancel half the debt,” Derrick said.

  My eyes shot open. Aldric. What had happened to my brother?

  “Your brother bound himself over to Lord Pitt,” Derrick said, as if sensing my question.

  Relief poured through me at the news that he was alive. “I want to see him before he leaves.”

  “He’s already gone with Lord Pitt to become his vassal.”

  My mind filled with images of the determination in Aldric’s face in the buttery when he’d finally released me. He’d helped me in a way he’d never helped himself. I longed to not only thank him, but tell him how proud I was of him. He’d made terrible mistakes in his life, but now he was doing his best to make up for the pain and difficulty he’d caused.

  “One way or another, I’m confident you’ll work through the debt problems,” the duke said.

  I allowed myself to relax for perhaps the first time since I’d returned to Maidstone several months ago. With the duke’s reassurance, somehow I knew I’d be able to resolve Maidstone’s debt peacefully. Maybe it still would entail selling land to repay the loans. But Aldric’s sacrifice of servitude to Lord Pitt had helped make the overall debts to our neighbors more manageable.

  A kitchen servant entered the room carrying a platter with a steaming bowl and mug. At the sight of the Duke of Rivenshire, he bowed and began to back out of my chamber.

  Sir Collin stopped the man with a wave of his hand. “Serve your master. After the weeks of want, he’s wasted away to a pile of bones and needs his nourishment before he disappears into his mattress.”

  Hesitantly, the servant came forward, bringing with him the strong scent of beef broth and onion. As he placed the platter on the bedside table and retreated from the room, my stomach gave an angry rumble—a much too familiar sensation and one that reminded me again of how close we’d come to starvation. I raised a silent prayer of thanksgiving that everyone would have plenty to eat once more.

  “The debt is no longer the problem,” the duke continued, glancing at the door as though to ensure we were alone. The gravity of his tone sent a shimmer of unease through me.

  “The problem is Lady Sabine,” he finished. I started to shake my head, but he cut me off. “If people believe she’s a witch, she’ll continue to be persecuted until, eventually, someone decides to put her to death.”

  “I’ll keep her here at Maidstone. I won’t allow her to leave. I’ll punish anyone who offends her. I’ll—”

  “You’ll make her a prisoner,” Derrick broke in with his no-nonsense tone.

  “It won’t be like that at all.” But as I defended myself, I thought again of Aldric, how he’d overprotected his wife until she’d smothered under his care. Surely I could prevent that from happening to Sabine, couldn’t I?

  The duke and my two friends peered down at me with stoic expressions. It was apparent they’d already spoken about this issue and had come prepared to battle my opposition.

  “The best course of action,” said the duke, “is to find a way to prove she’s not a witch.”

  “She’s not,” I said hotly as I pushed myself up from the mattress onto my elbows. Pain burned in both my shoulder and thigh at the movement, but I was suddenly too angry to care.

  “We believe you,” the duke replied. “But we must find a way to prove to everyone else that she’s not.”

  I pushed myself higher, and sweat broke out on my forehead at the exertion. “So now you want to burn her at the stake after all? Dunk her in a lake and see if she sinks?”

  “Absolutely not. But I suggest that we search the ancient texts for more humane methods that could be used to prove her innocence.” The duke’s kind eyes beseeched me to listen to reason.

  I knew of no other tests besides burning or drowning, both of which would end in death for her. “What other methods would we find?” I could see the logic behind his suggestion. Even so, after nearly losing Sabine once, I wasn’t sure I wanted to subject her to anything else.

  “You have the largest collection of texts,” the duke said, referring to the library room he’d used once before when he’d had his scribes pore through my books in the hope of finding an exception to the vow Lady Rosemarie’s parents had once taken. “Surely, if we scour the books, we’ll locate some other ancient law or exception that would allow for her to exonerate her reputation.”

  I fell back against my mattress exhausted and disheartened. I’d wanted to pretend everything would continue as before, before she’d taken off her glove. I’d wanted to ignore her blemish, to act as if it didn’t exist, and I’d wanted everyone else to do so as well.

  But the duke was right. If I cared at all about Sabine having a full and free life, then I had to find a way to prove to the rest of the world that she wasn’t a witch.

  I closed my eyes and wished I could shut out the fresh pain of rejection such a test was sure to cause Sabine. And yet without it, she’d be caged like a songbird, her wings clipped and her world too small. She’d eventually lose her vibrancy—the color and energy that made her who she was.

  “Very well,” I said resignedly. “Instruct the servants to start bringing me the books.”

  Chapter

  20

  A serving girl poured my ale with shaking fingers. Fear radiated from her eyes, and she only filled my goblet halfway before scampering away, almost as though she was afraid I’d reach out a gnarled hand and transform her into a rabbit.

  Under ordinary circumstances I would have had fun plotting which animals various people resembled, like the tall manservant with the hooked nose. If I’d had real magical powers, I might have changed him into a hawk.

  Alas, I was ordinary. If only everyone believed it was so.

  I slid my gloves as high as they would go on my arm and ducked my head over my plate. I should have stayed in the bedchamber and taken my meal there with Grandmother rather than coming to the great hall. As it was, we hadn’t even started the first course, and already I’d lost my appetite.

  It was clear that everyone knew about the stain on my arm. They’d likely heard about my capture by Lord Pitt and that he’d been about to burn me at the stake for being a witch. I’d assumed that they, like my own servants, would realize I was a normal woman. After the past weeks of getting to know me, I’d prayed they would conclude they had nothing to fear from me.

  But apparently that was not to be the case.

  I took a sip of my ale, but the frothy drink caught in my constricted throat. Was I to be spurned at every turn now? The thought pained me more than I wanted to admit, especially since I’d cherished some hope that things could work out between Bennet and myself. He’d come to my rescue. He’d risked his own life to save me. Surely that meant he still cared about me, didn’t it?

  I tried to ignore the wariness that told me he’d rescued me because he’d felt duty bound to come to my aid. He always acted honorably and would have put his life in peril for anyone, not just me.

  I’d done my best to dis
regard that moment when he’d been repulsed by my stain. But it was getting harder and harder to ignore as I faced one servant after another who reminded me of my imperfection. The fear and revulsion in their faces was simply a reflection of what I’d seen in Bennet’s, the same revulsion I’d seen in my father’s.

  Yes, Bennet had acted happy to see me in his chamber earlier, but how could it last? What would he feel the next time he saw my uncovered arm? Would he eventually push me away as my father had?

  I peeked at Lady Windsor. She was speaking in subdued tones to Lady Elaine. Even though Bennet’s mother had been as polite to me as always, she’d been less inclined to speak to me, clearly avoiding me. I had the feeling she’d allowed me at the head table only under Bennet’s strict instructions to do so.

  There would be countless people—visitors, kin, servants—who would despise me. Surely Bennet would tire of having to defend me to everyone. How could he be happy if he had to constantly explain why he’d chosen me—a plain, flawed woman? Neither of us would ever be truly fulfilled living with such shame and rejection.

  However, Lady Elaine was beautiful and animated. The effects of the past weeks of hardship and starvation had fallen away from her flawless body as though they’d never happened. I was struck again, as I had been when she’d first arrived, by how perfect she was in every way. Even though Bennet had assured me he didn’t care for Lady Elaine in a romantic way, I couldn’t keep from thinking what an ideal pair they would make. With Aldric away serving Lord Pitt, there was nothing stopping Bennet from considering Lady Elaine as a marriage partner.

  And now that the Duke of Rivenshire was here with his other knights, Lord Pitt’s threat was diminished. I had no doubt the duke would help Bennet work out an arrangement to pay off the debt, if he hadn’t already paid it himself.

  The truth of the matter was that Bennet no longer needed me or my silver. Although I could sense he harbored affection for me that went beyond my silver, I didn’t want him to feel obligated to me. I wanted to give him the freedom to choose whomever he pleased, for surely he’d learn to forget about me and find true happiness with someone else—like Lady Elaine.

  I realized too that even if he insisted he couldn’t forget about me and find someone else, I didn’t want to drag him into my pitiful existence of a life, the fear of always wondering when I’d be exposed again. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone else leveled accusations. The next time, I might not be able to talk my way out of a burning. The next time, I might not have a knight in shining armor ride in on his steed to deliver me. The next time, my accusers might persecute my loved ones as well.

  No longer hungry, I pushed away the untouched food before me and began to rise from my chair. Lady Elaine paused in her conversation to watch me. Her gaze invariably drifted to my arm, to my gloves. And that same look of disgust I’d noticed in Bennet’s eyes appeared in hers.

  Everyone knew what was hidden underneath. I don’t know why I bothered to wear the gloves. Where were all my brave thoughts about accepting myself? About liking myself for the way I was? I’d been able to think favorably when I’d been alone in that awful cage. But now, confronted with real people who rejected me, it was much harder to accept and like who I was.

  I nodded first at Lady Elaine and then at Lady Windsor. It was time for me to leave Maidstone and free Bennet from the death trap that I’d become.

  The next morning, when Grandmother protested my departure, I told her I was leaving with or without her. I hadn’t given her any warning of my going for fear she’d find some way to stall. I still wasn’t entirely sure if she’d delayed my last attempt to leave before the siege, and I decided that this time I wouldn’t give her any opportunity to interfere.

  In fact, I didn’t tell anyone of my plans until I called for my carriage to be brought forth and loaded. I hadn’t seen Bennet since I’d left his chambers the previous afternoon. But I’d noticed servants and scribes rushing in and out of his library, carrying stacks of books to his room.

  It was for the best if I left without telling him good-bye. I didn’t want to risk him trying to change my mind. More likely I’d take one look at his handsome face and winsome smile and grovel at his feet. I could admit I found it increasingly difficult to resist his charm—if I’d ever been able to resist it at all.

  So it was with little wasted time that I found myself riding through the gates of Maidstone, saying farewell to the fortress that had been my home for the past month. With each roll of the carriage wheels away from the castle walls, my heart grew heavier. I’d fallen in love with Bennet, and now leaving him behind was one of the most painful things I’d ever had to do.

  I kept telling myself that it was in his best interests, but doubts crept in and I couldn’t keep from wondering if I was doing the right thing.

  Stephan’s silver cage sat on the seat next to me, between my lady’s maid and myself. Grandmother perched on the cushioned bench across from me, her lips pinched tighter than usual. She hadn’t wanted to leave, had refused to rise from her chair in her chamber when I’d told her good-bye. But when my maidservant informed her that I’d already loaded my baggage and was in the carriage ready to drive away, she’d realized my threats weren’t idle.

  “Don’t look so sour, Grandmother,” I said. “Overall, I’d say the trip had unparalleled success, wouldn’t you? I may not have gotten the artwork that I wanted. And you may not have gotten the husband for me that you wanted. But we had a delightful adventure, didn’t we?”

  “I did not need an adventure,” she retorted. “That is the last thing a woman my age needs.”

  “Not so.” I forced brightness to my tone. “Adventure keeps you young and alive.”

  “I am perfectly content with being old.”

  “I thought you’d surely be delighted to leave, especially since you’re quite angry with Sir Bennet for allowing my capture and ensuing confinement in the cage. Lillian was telling me that you marched down to Bennet’s chambers and were about to stuff him into Stephan’s little cage as repayment. And likely would have, except Aldric had tied him up and hidden him in the buttery.”

  Grandmother gave an unladylike snort.

  “I suspect that Aldric was doing his best to ensure that you didn’t kill Bennet.”

  “I would not have killed him,” Grandmother said. “But I certainly would have filleted and roasted him for dinner.”

  “Since when have you resorted to cannibalism?”

  “Oh, he would not have been dinner for me.” Grandmother lifted her chin with a sniff. “No, I wanted to feed him to the dogs.”

  I smiled. “Now, Grandmother, don’t deny it. You adore Bennet.”

  “He is tolerable.”

  “Only tolerable?” I said. “Yes, I suppose there are numerous things about him to dislike. Too many to name, as a matter of fact.” The carriage bumped over a rut, and I grabbed the seat with one hand and Stephan’s cage with the other. The bird released a chorus of irritated tweets. I suppose he didn’t particularly like having his comfortable existence upended once again. But that was life, wasn’t it? At least my life had always had its fair share of bumps.

  Grandmother finally looked me straight in the eyes, her expression leaving me no room for anything but the truth. “I’m not the one who adores the man. You are. And what I can’t understand is why you’ve decided to leave just when he’s fallen in love with you.”

  I considered not responding to Grandmother, but she still held me with her no-nonsense gaze, and I knew I wouldn’t have peace until I explained my reason for leaving. I released an exasperated breath. “Very well. Even if he loves me, I decided to leave so that he can be free of me. Free to move on with his life. Free of complications. Free of this.” I lifted my blighted hand just slightly. All night, I’d gone over all the reasons to leave, again and again. And in the end, I always came to the same conclusion. It would be kinder to break his heart now than to place him in mortal danger for the rest of his life by being ma
rried to me.

  He’d never know how much my own heart was breaking. With each turn of the carriage wheel, another piece of my heart cracked and broke away, so that the hole in my chest grew larger and ached more painfully.

  “I chose him precisely because he struck me as the sort of man who would not care about your skin condition.”

  My backbone stiffened. “What do you mean, you chose him?”

  Grandmother glanced out the carriage window to the passing forestland, the trees all much greener and fuller than the first time we’d ridden through Maidstone land. June had finally arrived, and I realized that meant my eighteenth birthday was only days away.

  “I met him several years ago when he was traveling to a funeral with the Duke of Rivenshire. I liked him then. So earlier in the spring, when I learned he was seeking an advantageous match, I decided that I wanted you to marry him.”

  I was quiet as I digested Grandmother’s confession. “You were mistaken, Grandmother,” I finally said softly. “Sir Bennet is precisely the kind of man who cares a great deal about beauty. Not only is he the epitome of beauty himself, but he appreciates it in others.”

  “I beg to differ.” Grandmother gripped the seat cushion as we hit another rut. “You were correct in saying Sir Bennet appreciates beauty. But he is able to see the beauty in things that others do not. Why else does he have such a large collection of rare and unique artifacts and relics, most of which are chipped, broken, and decrepit?”

  I gasped at her depreciation of Bennet’s valuable collection. “They’re priceless treasures. Each marking or chip makes them even more special.”

  “Exactly.”

  This time her words silenced me for some time. Grandmother was right. Bennet saw the value in the ancient artwork and artifacts in a way most people didn’t. He saw past the exterior to the heart of masterpieces that their creators had crafted. Was it possible he saw me the same way?