by Unknown
He stands, letting the controller drop in his place. Our eyes remain locked together as he approaches. He stops only inches from me. His voice is low and gravelly when he talks. “Want me to get your back?”
All I can do is nod.
He brushes past, our bare shoulders touching for a brief moment, passing electricity between us.
The ice in my hand has melted and I wipe the wetness on my skirt. Behind me I hear Danny grab a piece of ice, and then his front comes right up against my back. His left hand holds onto my left shoulder, his thumb lightly stroking the skin. His other hand begins to move the ice along the back of my neck. Goosebumps pebble my skin instantly.
Danny moves the ice down my neck and trails it across my shoulder and down my arm, then retraces its path. My body responds as if it knows exactly what to expect next from him. As it’s making its way back up my neck, I tilt my head to the other side, allowing him to really travel the length of it. As soon as I do this, the hand Dan is using to hold my shoulder drops to my waist, and he steps in closer so our bodies are pressed together.
His mouth is inches away from my neck and I can feel his warm breath against my skin as he continues using the ice.
My head falls back, resting on his shoulder. Once the ice makes its way to my other arm and back, reaching the crook of my neck, he brings it around to my chest and lets it drop down my shirt. The hand clutching my waist slides under my tank top and his fingers roam to the front, catching the piece of ice. The ice travels past my navel and around my side to the back, where it starts to climb up my spine.
I shiver, and it’s not from the cold.
The ice melts before making it back to the top.
Dan moves swiftly to retrieve another piece.
This time, his arm warps around my waist so I’m locked against him. His eyes watch the ice and I have to close mine, the moment feeling too good not to.
He traces the ice around my ear. My eyes roll back and I slump into him as a moan escapes my mouth at the ecstasy the coolness brings, mixed with the tingling effect of his touch. I’m too caught up in the moment to be embarrassed by it.
Dan then runs it along my jaw, allowing it to travel over my lips. His breathing gets heaver when I lick the water droplets away.
As he glides it back down, he freezes for a split second before dropping his hands and taking a step back. My eyes snap open from the abruptness of it.
He casually walks back to the couch, popping the rest of the ice into his mouth and continuing his game.
I blink a few times as my mind tries to absorb what just happened and why he stopped. The reason why is quickly answered when Sam steps through the door.
“It’s a fucking sauna in here,” she half whines, half moans, throwing her dance bag on the floor by the door. “I think dealing with Mom during class is more welcoming than the heat of this shithole.”
Dan ignores her and she heads over to me, pouring cold water into a glass from the fridge. She comes up next to me, “You okay, Hannah? You look a little flushed.”
It takes me a moment to answer, still in a trance, “Fine, just hot.” It’s more from Danny than the heat, but I keep that to myself.
Danny is playing his game like we’re not even here, like he didn’t just tilt my world and flip it around.
Angie, their mom, comes in. “You need to practice more,” she scolds Sam.
Sam rolls her eyes, “I do practice.”
It’s true; most of her time is spent dancing.
“The other girls are catching up to you and they’re practically half your age!”
Sam rolls her eyes again and shakes her head up at the ceiling. This is why she hates when her mom gets her from practice. She always goes early to watch and then spends the whole time afterward informing Sam of what she’s doing wrong, even though she’s never taken a dance class a day in her life. As you can imagine, it annoys Sam to no end.
“Chuck called,” Dan butts in.
This completely captures Angie’s attention, “Really?”
“Yeah, wants you to call him.”
That’s all it takes, and she skips back to her room like a teenager.
“Thanks,” Sam tells her brother.
Dan shrugs.
They love their mom, but prefer when she stays out of their lives. They’re used to not having her there, so they don’t appreciate the few times a month she tries to actually act like a parent and not their roommate.
Dan stands, “I need a shower. Maybe it will cool me the fuck down.” He disappears down the hall, and I can hear the door shut to the bathroom.
Sam has her phone out, wearing a mischievous smile while she texts.
The next thing I know the front door opens and Tag is taking up the entrance with his massive body. He strides over to Sam, who meets him halfway. He appraises her up and down with an approving grin, “Hey, baby.”
“Hey.” I’ve never heard Sam use such a sultry tone before as she reaches for his hand and begins dragging him back to her room. “Don’t let my brother anywhere near my room,” she says when she passes me.
Great, I’m in the middle once again.
I absentmindedly channel surf, trying not to think about how freaking hot it is. When I can’t stand it any longer, I head for the freezer and get a piece of ice for each hand. As I trail the pieces along my skin I try and push back images of Dan and the feel of him touching me.
It’s impossible, so I decide to run with it.
I close my eyes and try to replay every detail.
I get so absorbed in it that I don’t hear Dan come back until he opens the fridge to get a beer. He finishes it off in one long guzzle, eyes on me the whole time. I couldn’t look away even if I wanted to, the ice cubes melting against my chest where my hands have stopped moving.
I wait. For what I’m not sure. For him to take over? No, I’m not stupid enough to hope for that.
He puts the empty bottle on the counter and nabs another, strolling back over to his place on the couch and resuming his game. I let out the breath I was holding and go back to my place, where we both remain silent and I watch him play like nothing happened; like I don’t have a million images of us playing in my head.
Chapter 6
“Hannah, we have something important to discuss,” my father says while he sets down his dinner fork and wipes his mouth with the cloth napkin from his lap.
I take another bite of casserole while I nod to him that he has my attention.
My mother shifts in her seat and I look over. She’s trying to contain a smile, her body practically dancing in its chair. She reaches over and places a hand over my father’s, giving it a squeeze. He looks over at her with fondness and a wink. My father never winks.
The first thing that runs through my mind is, Oh shit, is she pregnant again? I didn’t even know that was still possible at her age, let alone the fact that her body stopped that train a long time ago.
“Your mother and I have decided,” a large smile spreads across my father’s face and he squeezes my mother’s hand back. There’s a pause, and I’m still anxiously waiting to hear what he has to say as I take another bite of food.
He glances back over at my mom for a quick second before focusing on me, “We’ve decided that’s it’s time for me to find a suitable man to begin courting you.”
I have a hard time swallowing back the food that goes down like bricks. I reach for my milk, and the sip I take gets lodged in my throat.
“Isn’t this exciting!?” My mother claps, bouncing in her seat just like she has with all my siblings.
I can’t speak. I knew after turning eighteen in January and finishing school in June that this day was coming, but it still didn’t prepare me for how shook up it would make me. My whole body screams at me to bolt, to run and never look back.
My mom reaches over and hugs me. I sneak a peek at my dad, who is radiating satisfaction over this recent turn of events that is crushing my soul.
This can’t be
happening. Not yet. I’ve barely had the chance to experience life.
I hold on tight to my mom, seeking comfort, but she misreads it at something else. “I’m so excited for you! The time your father spent courting me was some of the happiest of my life.”
What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy about this? My sisters were ecstatic when they got the news and obsessively talked of nothing else for weeks: which boy from our church would father choose, who they hoped it would be, who they didn’t, what they’d wear that Sunday to church.
I can’t do it though. Nothing inside me can find excitement in this, only doom.
When my mother releases me, my parents stare at me, expecting me to say something. The overwhelming shock and grief has me blurting out, “Can I go to Sam’s?”
I’m too frazzled to even use Sam’s full name, but I’m desperate with the need to be in the one place that I can be myself, that doesn’t make me feel like I’m suffocating.
My father’s voice rises and his expression shows his disapproval, “That’s all you have to say?”
“Sorry,” I quickly correct, forcing a smile, one that shows my happiness and not the torment raging inside. “I’m just so excited, and I wanted to share the news with her. Maybe inspire her to start thinking about finding a husband to help her better serve God.” I can’t believe that just came out of my mouth, but from the way my father’s face changes I can tell he approves.
“Oh Marv, let her.” My mom is beaming. “The day I found out I was so jittery with excitement I could hardly contain myself. Let her go share this with someone her age. Let them have girl talk. Her sisters aren’t here to share this with like they had her.”
He sighs, “Oh all right.”
I can’t get out of my chair fast enough, the seat practically falling back as I stand.
“Thank you!” I yell over my shoulder, not caring how my sudden dash will upset him. All I care about is getting out of this house.
“One hour!” He calls after me.
“Yes, sir.” I say from the doorway before making my escape. I jet to my bike and hop on. As I ride, something inside me begins stirring, something I’ve never felt before: rage.
Why do my parents get to make this decision? I should be the one to decide.
I pedal faster, my body practically hanging over the handlebars as it takes out its anger on the bike.
I’m eighteen. Why does that all of a sudden make me ready for marriage? I’m nowhere near ready for that kind of responsibility. I can’t even decide what my favorite color is for crying out loud!
My fury has my temperature rising, and mixed with my agitation and the summer heat it’s a dangerous combination. I’m half off the bike, its wheels slowing down against the dried out grass. I lift a leg over, balancing on one peddle as it coasts to the door, and jump off just as it’s about to crash, letting it fall over with a clank and a thunk.
I shove the door and it flies open. I feel like a gust of wind should follow me, making my hair swirl around me, but all that happens is it clings to the sweat that is dripping all over. I kick the door closed behind me, at the same time stripping off my shirt to reveal the white tank that is always hiding underneath. I toss the blouse to the side, flip my head over, and throw my hair up high. I’m seriously contemplating if I should just shave it all off; nobody should have this much hair in heat like this. I know I won’t, but at the moment my temper makes it real tempting.
I’m wearing a flowing skirt, so when I fall back onto the couch I let it ride up so my full legs are exposed and it’s only covering my middle. And you know what? I don’t care. My breathing is heavy; partly from the furious way I rode, but mostly from the emotions churning inside.
Nothing is happening on the screen in front of me, so I look over to find Danny staring at me with the same wide eyes his sister often gets.
“I’m hot,” I feel the need to explain.
He nods, grabs his glass of water that still has condensation rolling down, and hands it to me. I down it in four gulps.
“More?” He asks, amusement in his tone.
“Yes,” I pant.
He complies by getting up, filling it with ice, then adding cold water from the fridge. The ice is already melting when he hands it back it’s so hot out.
I gulp that down in record time too.
“You okay?” He chuckles.
My body slumps back into the cushion.
“No,” I say to the empty glass. A tear falls out of the side of my eye and I wipe it way.
There’s a long moment of silence before I hear the couch squeak, followed by a dip as Dan’s body moves to the middle spot right next to me.
“What’s up?” His hand goes to the hair plastered against my face and brushes it back. It cools me, and I close my eyes and sigh with contentment.
“Tell me,” Dan urges, as he grabs an ice cube and moves it around the back of my neck.
I let it out, talking so fast my mouth can barely keep up, “My parents are ready to find someone to court me. If it’s anything like the rest of my family, I’ll be engaged in a few months, and with a baby in my arms nine months after that.” My breathing gets heavy as I hold back the urge to scream out in frustration, tears stinging my eyes.
Dan rubs my back, “It’s okay, just breathe.”
“I can’t,” I pant. “I don’t want this.” I look over to him with pleading eyes. “I don’t want this,” I whisper.
“I know,” he says back in just as soft a voice, still rubbing my back.
“How do you know?”
“I know you.”
He does; despite him being who he is, he has always made me feel accepted, has always been thoughtful. That’s why I went from crush to head over feet in about two point five seconds.
I can’t have this be how my story goes, not without having ever lived it. I continue on, being more raw with him than I have with anyone before, “This can’t be how it ends. This can’t be what’s in store for me.”
“What do you want?” He pushes, hand still on my back.
I blurt out the only thing that comes to mind, “You.”
He’s taken back by my answer, and I carry on, trying to cover my tracks, “I don’t want my first and last kiss to be some guy I hardly know. I need more than that.” I turn my body towards his. “I need you to kiss me, Dan. Please. I need to know when I’m married that I’ve had more experience than just the one man my parents thrust upon me.” By now our bodies have drawn closer together.
Dan’s hand comes out, cupping my face, his thumb stroking my cheek, eyes so deep into mine my body takes that as its que and leans in, my lips parting.
“You won’t be able to take this back,” he says.
“I won’t want to,” I promise. Nothing has ever felt more right.
“I won’t be able to stop,” he warns, his lips now inches from mine.
I don’t even care what he means by that. All I can do is move even closer, our lips on the verge of something I’ll never be able to get over; something I know I’ll repeat in my head until the day I die.
I can hardly wait.
Just as our mouths are about to meet, the door crashes open. Danny jumps so far back you’d think I had caught fire.
It’s only Tag. He glances between us, his eyes falling to where my skirt is bunched, only hiding my underwear, then to my face that is flushed and red. His head turns to Danny, who is breathing heavy, with dilated pupils. Tag raises a brow.
I give him a warning look. He owes me, big time.
Tag clears his throat, looking away, “Sam’s right behind me.” He stalks to the fridge, nabs a beer, and chugs it back in three longs gulps.
Right on cue, Sam is slamming the door shut behind her. I pull my skirt back over my legs, my moment gone. Good-girl-Hannah is back. For one fleeting moment I had asked for what I wanted and almost gotten it, but now it is gone. I guess an almost will have to be enough to carry me through. I ache that that’s it.
S
am halts in her tracks, taking me in, “What are you doing here?”
Just seeing my best friend starts the tears falling.
“Oh shit,” she breathes. She grabs my hand and drags me back to her room.
Once on the bed, she hugs me while I cry in her arms.
“It’s happening, isn’t it?” She whispers, stroking my back.
I nod. She knows me so well. I rarely cry. The last time I cried like this was when I turned eighteen and Lauren made some backhanded comment about how before I knew it I’d be married.
Sam cries with me, both of us knowing what this means: the end of my life and the end of our friendship. What husband is going to allow me over here anymore?
She sniffs into my hair, “We’re going to make the most of what time we have left, okay?”
I nod into her shoulder.
The two of us cry until it’s time for me to go. I can’t even look at the boys, who have gathered for the evening as I make my exit.
How am I ever going to say goodbye to them, to my true family?
Chapter 7
My parents still allow me to go over for Friday night sleepover, even though they had given me permission to visit for an hour the other day. The possibility of me getting married and starting a family has both my parents in a generous mood.
Sam doesn’t tell the boys my news, but has declared upon my arrival that we have to make this the best summer ever. They all happily agree, not even needing a reason for it. So naturally we start it with a game of hide and seek. It’s a game we play a few times a year. I know it seems silly for a bunch of adults to play this, but we have a blast. It’s an excuse to still be a carefree kid and I guess they’ve been doing this since they were kids. Nostalgia is strong with this crew.
Sam decides she’ll be “it” first, since it was her idea.
I make my way to the bathroom, watching as the others scurry off to their hiding places. Some stay inside, others head to the backyard. When I’m positive no one can see me, I tiptoe to Dan’s room, peering over my shoulder before entering. When I know nobody has entered his room, I go to my favorite spot to hide: his closet. It’s my favorite for two reasons: they have yet to find me there, and I’m surrounded by his scent.