by Unknown
I edge closer to the sidewalk, “It won’t change my mind.”
My father steps with me. “If you walk away from this, you will disgrace your entire family.”
I look around at my sisters and their husbands and children. If I walk away I will be saying goodbye to them for now, but I know that one day I will see them again. I know it deep down. If I choose Josh I can never say that about Danny and the boys, and I need them all in order to live, to survive.
I say the words I don’t want to, but they’re true, “I’m sorry, but I have to do this.” I wish things could be how they want them to be.
I get to the sidewalk and my father takes another step forward, “If you walk away right now, don’t bother coming back.”
My mom gasps, “Marv, you don’t mean that. Let her go for a walk.”
“No. If she can’t abide by our wishes, then she’s no daughter of mine.”
If he meant for his words to hurt he succeeded, and a small part of me wants to run back and beg for forgiveness, but I know in a day or two I’d be right back at this place, wanting a different life. “I guess this is goodbye.”
My father is shocked, having assumed I would never let it get this far. I turn to leave.
“You no longer have a place at our home,” my father calls behind me.
Tears come rushing down as I walk quickly away. I go to find Danny and the boys but they are nowhere to be seen and I realize they have already left. I find myself jogging, then full-on sprinting, to their house. They live a few miles from the church and my body is drenched in sweat, my face covered in tears when I arrive. I don’t know what I’m going to say or even if he’ll forgive me. I’m not even sure I deserve to be forgiven, but I had to come here; I had to let him know.
I open the door and everyone is milling about, untucking shirts, going outside to light up, or plopping down on the couch.
They all look up to see what made the noise from the door.
I stand there, huffing and puffing, my body’s temperature through the roof. I’m at the point of hiccupping through my tears, and when I see Danny across the room it gets worse.
He places his beer down and rushes over to me. He pulls me into his arms, his body enveloping me, his strong arms taking me in, and I collapse into him.
“Breathe,” Dan tells me, holding me tight. “Somebody get her some water,” he requests over my head,
I hear the clinking of glass and water swishing, then a hand thrusts a glass at me. Dan helps me hold it, tipping it back for me to swallow. The cold refreshes and calms me. Danny uses his large hands to sweep away the hairs that are stuck to my face and his thumbs to wipe away the tears.
Someone comes closer.
“Back up,” Dan demands.
Sam’s voice is soft, “But–”
“I’ve got this,” he says sternly and protectively.
My head’s still in his hands and he looks back to me, eyes roaming all over my face, “Is it your dad? Did he do something?”
I shake my head no, blubbering and hiccupping out my response, “I ended it. It’s over. He told me not to come back.”
Dan pulls me back into his arms and I cry again, a huge ball of stress unraveling from my body. I just did what I thought was the impossible, and although I’m crying like an insane person, it’s actually out of relief from the tension that I didn’t even know needed to be released. I’m finally free, and my body doesn’t know what to do with those kinds of emotions so it’s crying. With each tear I feel lighter.
I talk into his chest, which is now soaked under my cheek, “I know I’m probably too late and that I’ve already hurt you–”
“Stop,” he cuts in, kissing the top of my head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“But–” I press, only to get interrupted again.
“You could walk in twenty years from now and it wouldn’t matter, just as long as you’re here.”
I love this man. I love him so damn much.
“Holy shit,” a voice breathes out behind us, in complete disbelief. I recognize it as Maddox right away. “Is Mary the chick you’ve been hiding from us?”
“No fucking way!” Price exclaims, a cross between shock and awe.
“I guess we can’t really call her Mary anymore,” Tripp jokes.
“Watch it,” Danny warns, and the familiarity of it all has me smiling.
“You’ve got to be shitting me!” Sam’s voice is close, and I can hear her anger. I push back from Dan to see her better. Anger, hurt, and disbelief all swirl around in her eyes. “This can’t be happening.”
“I can explain,” I start pleading.
“No, this is bullshit!” She yells at her brother. “When did this happen?”
Dan tries brushing her comment aside, “Sam, not now.”
“Answer the question.”
“About five months ago,” I answer, wanting to be free of lies in my life.
The room gasps.
“Hypocrite! Fucking hypocrite!” Sam yells. She looks to me, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
The guilt swallows me whole.
She doesn’t let me explain, which is fine; I don’t even know what to say in my defense, other than I never thought we’d get to this point.
“I can’t even look at you two right now.” Sam storms out.
I go to follow, but Danny holds me back, “Let her have some space.”
“I can’t lose her.” Not after everything else today.
“You won’t. She just needs some time.”
Tag follows after her and I worry what he might think, but he’s smiling like he’s about to start laughing, like all of this is amusing him.
“I can’t believe you guys were able to hide this from us.” Maddox chugs his beer like he needs it to get through this moment.
“I can’t believe his chick has been Mary all along.” Tripp speaks up, completely dumbfounded.
Price shrugs, “I can.”
Tripp shoves his brother, “No you can’t, dipshit. You’re just saying that because of what I said.”
“Nah, they fit.”
I can’t tell if Price means that or if he really is only saying that to go against his brother. Either way, I’ll take it.
“I knew,” North chimes in, and the room goes silent because that’s what you do when someone who hardly ever speaks actually says something.
Jerry shakes his head, “No way man, nobody did.”
“They used to stare at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, then they started staring directly at each other every time they were in the same room. Didn’t take a genius to figure it out.”
Huh.
Jerry shrugs, “I think it’s cool.”
They all nod their heads in agreement.
“And weird,” Price adds.
“For sure,” Jerry is quick to agree.
“We like Hannah better,” Maddox warns Danny, taking on a protective stance. “So we’ll keep her and get rid of you if it comes down to that. She’s not some random pussy.”
Dan’s face scrunches as his head ticks back, “Are you seriously giving me a lecture on being a player right now?”
“Hannah deserves better than us.”
“You don’t think I know that?”
Maddox holds his hands to his chest, a smirk on his face, “Just making things clear.”
“Come on,” Dan says, leading me towards his room. I can hear them still whispering behind us.
“I still think it’s weird.”
“Really fucking weird.”
“Do you think they do it?”
In the five years I have known them, I’ve never heard them refer to sex as it. I snort back my laughter.
“I don’t even want to think about it. It would be like imagining my sister.” I can hear the disgust in Maddox’s tone.
Dan squeezes the back of my neck as he tries to contain a laugh of his own.
Angie stumbles out of her room, looking like she just woke up. Mascar
a is smeared under her eyes, her disheveled clothes are the same from last night, and a rat’s nest has replaced her hair. “What’s all the noise about?”
“Nothing, Mom. Go back to sleep.”
She stares at us for a moment, noticing how close Danny is holding me to him. She sniffles, wiping her nose with the back of her hand, “You two finally together?”
“Yeah,” is Dan’s casual response.
“Knew it had to happen sooner or later. Never saw you take so quickly to anybody. Take care of her. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
“Later,” Dan grumbles, veering me into his room and shutting the door. “Jesus, is everybody going to give me a lecture about how lucky I am? Like I don’t already fucking know?”
I laugh at his agitated expression. He glares at me and I only laugh harder. “I’m sorry if your family loves me more, but it’s not my fault.”
He pulls me to him and I immediately stop laughing.
“You’re really here?” He murmurs into my hair.
“I never should have left.” I take in a deep breath before tilting my head back so I can look into his eyes, “You’re the only man I will ever love.”
Dan smiles for a second before sadness shadows his eyes, “I don’t really know how to ask this, but I need to know. Did you and Josh…do anything together?”
“We pecked and held hands, but nothing more,” I reassure him.
He tugs me back into him, “Thank God. I was driving myself insane with thoughts about him touching you. Or worse, you touching him like you have me.”
“I know you don’t want to hear apologies, but I really am sorry. I wish I never hurt you like that.”
“I should apologize too.”
“For what?”
“You know when you saw me with that girl?” The familiar acid that rises every time I think about it returns. “I heard you talking down the hall, so I kissed her on purpose knowing you’d see. I wanted to hurt you, and for that I’m sorry. It was stupid and childish. I kicked her out of my room as soon as I knew you’d left the hallway. I just wanted you to see.” He takes my face in his hands, eyes desperately searching mine like he’s worried I won’t forgive him. “I haven’t touched anybody else. I haven’t even wanted to.”
“Can’t we just move on? Forget the pain and look to the future?” It’s the first time I’m actually looking forward to it and I want to soak it up, not look back.
“Let’s start now.” Dan kisses me with tenderness and I return it, letting my mouth and body connect to his.
We make love, and for the first time I orgasm during intercourse. It’s at the exact moment Dan does, further connecting us in ways I never fathomed two souls could.
Afterward, I cuddle in his arms. “I love you. I don’t think I told you that yet. I love you more than I could ever possibly express.”
“I love you, Hannah.” Dan kisses the top of my head. “It feels so good to finally be able to say that to you and know that you’re here with me to stay.”
It does. It really does.
“And everyone knows,” I add. No more secrets. No more lies. I think that will be my new life motto.
Dan puts a hand behind his head while he strokes my back, “So what’s next? What does Hannah Malone’s future look like?”
“I haven’t a clue,” I say softly as I soak it all in. Instead of scaring me, I realize the unknown exhilarates me. For the first time, my future will be determined by my choices.
Chapter 24
I don’t sleep much that night, even though getting to sleep in Danny’s arms without worrying about time is something I hope never grows old. My family still weighs heavily on my mind even though I know I made the right decision. The happiness I feel is proof, but it’s not enough.
My faith is a huge part of who I am, and I need God right now and the comfort only He can bring. I need to go to church. I believe in God and what the bible has to teach, just not in the same way my parents do.
I know of a few churches that I can walk to around here. I’ll just keep trying different ones until I find the right fit. I’m confident it’s out there.
As quietly as I can, I slip out of bed and search around for my clothes. I only have what I wore to the funeral, but that will have to do until I can go shopping. My stomach flutters. I can finally choose what I wear! Optimism soars through me. This is going to be epic!
“What are you doing?” A half-asleep Danny grumbles, rubbing his eyes.
“Nothing,” I whisper. “Go back to sleep.”
He can barely open an eye, his hair sticking out all over the place. Can he get any more adorable in the morning? “Why are you getting dressed?”
“I want to go to church.”
“Really?” He yawns, sitting up.
“Yeah, but not my family’s church. I want to find one of my own, one I fit into.”
He rolls out of bed. “I’ll go with you.”
“No, you don’t have to. Sleep.” Just because it’s important to me doesn’t mean I expect it to be the same for him.
“I want to.” Still half-asleep, he fumbles around his room, gathering up the clothes he wore yesterday as well (most likely because it’s his only set of clothes that would be acceptable for church).
He shuffles toward the kitchen, “I need coffee.”
I motion to the couch, “Sit. I’ll make it.”
“You don’t have to take care of me.”
“I know, but I want to,” I say. Not every day,” I can’t help but add, “but today I want to.”
Dan pecks me on the lips. “’Kay.”
He watches me as I get a pot of coffee going, a lazy smile on his face, “I can’t believe you’re really here.”
“Get used to it.”
This earns me a full-fledged smile. Have I mentioned yet how much I love him?
Once he’s caffeinated he perks up, and on the drive there he keeps kissing my hand that’s holding his. I do the same back.
The church he takes me to is close enough I could have walked. It’s much larger than the one I’m used to and I’m not sure I like that. I prefer the close family feel you get when everybody knows one another. By the end of the service I’m fairly certain it’s not for me, but I’ll go back a few more times just to make sure. I don’t want to judge a place on the first go-around.
I did feel God all around me, and what he surrounded me with was nothing but happiness; so much so I thought I might explode from it all. I know He’s with me on this journey, and although my family may not be on my side, I still have Him.
Dan takes a different route on the way home, and as the neighborhood becomes familiar I panic, “Where are we going?”
“Don’t be mad.”
Uh-oh. No good can come from a statement like that.
“You need to go home and see your parents.”
“Why? I doubt they’ll even let me in.”
“They at least need to know you’re okay and safe. If you were my daughter I’d be shitting myself right now.”
“Yeah, well I doubt our daughter would run away.” I’m going to let my kids be whoever and whatever they want. They want to be monks and live minimally? Great. Beach bums in Hawaii? As long as they are happy, I don’t care.
“I like where your head’s at, but how do you know? And let’s say she does. Wouldn’t you hope she’d come back?”
He has a point. “Don’t leave me though, okay?”
“Wasn’t planning to. I don’t trust your dad.”
I wasn’t sure if I did either.
Cars are parked outside our home. Everyone must be here for brunch like usual.
I’m not sure if I’m glad my family is all here or if it will only make it worse.
Dan parks a house down, where there is a free spot. I don’t get out, so he comes around to open my door and hold a hand out to me, “I’m here with you. You’re not in this alone.”
“I’m scared,” I confess.
He gives me a sheepish gri
n, “To be honest, so am I.”
I take his hand and allow him to slide me out of the truck and tuck my hand under his arm. He kisses my forehead, “We have each other. Everything else will be okay.”
He’s right.
I get a death grip on his arm and we head towards my house.
I reluctantly drop my hand when we reach the door. “They have enough to be angry about already…”
“I get it. One thing at a time.” Dan rings the doorbell, which is a good thing since I don’t think I would have had the courage.
Lauren is the one to answer and I brace myself for a motherly lecture. Instead, I’m taken by surprise when she holds me in an embrace. “I was so worried about you. Don’t disappear like that again, okay? Come stay with me and Paul if you have to.”
This is the first time I have ever heard such sincerity from her.
I can only nod.
She pulls away, holding me at arm’s length to examine me from head to toe, “Did you sleep in those clothes?” She notices Dan before I can answer. Her mouth opens, but instead of her voice coming out it’s our father’s.
“Who are you?”
Dad pushes past Lauren, separating us as he evaluates Danny.
Dan holds out his hand, “Daniel Shepard.”
Dad dismisses Dan’s outstretched hand, “I don’t care what your name is. I want to know what the hell you’re doing with my daughter?”
Danny’s jaw clenches. I know he hates my father, but he tries to remain pleasant. “Well, Sir, she needed a lift here.”
“I’m her father, I could have gotten her. How do you two know each other?”
We’re interrupted by my mother, who lets out a loud gasp as she comes rushing over, shoving everyone to the side as she takes hold of me, “Oh, Hannah, I’ve been so worried. I thought for sure something terrible had happened and I’d never see you again.”
“I’m fine, Mom. I went to Sam’s,” I use her nickname in front of them for the first time and it’s wonderful.
“Told you,” Lauren quips.
“Not now,” my mother snaps. She steps aside, “Come in.”
Danny moves to follow behind me.
My father holds out a palm to stop him, “No way.”
“I’m not coming in without him.”