by Unknown
The twins are arguing in the kitchen over who gets the last slice of pizza. Jerry and North are on the couch, stoned and laughing about something. Maddox is in the recliner, making out with some girl. Tag is walking up to Sam, looking at her like she lights up his entire world.
Everything is exactly how I would expect it to be, and I know it’s time to leave this house for the last time.
I stop at the end of the driveway and take one last look at the only true home I’ve ever known. I wipe the tears from my eyes. They will be the last tears I allow myself to shed over this house and the people inside, because if I don’t stop now I never will.
“I’ll never forget you,” I whisper into the night, and as cheesy as it is, I kiss my fingers and bend down to place them on the dried out grass. With a heavy heart I walk home, knowing it’s time to move forward.
Chapter 22
It’s only been two months and I already want the wedding planning to be over and done with.
“Can we just elope?” I beg Josh as we look at about the hundredth place setting. Our moms are the ones doing most of the planning. I just agree with whatever they want, yet it still seems to drag on.
He laughs, “If I wasn’t worried about our parents murdering us I might consider it.”
The wedding is the only thing anyone seems to want to talk about, but I guess when the wedding is only three months away there’s a lot to plan and talk about. It was mostly through my encouragement to get it on the calendar as soon as we could. I have this crazy hope that the sooner I can take on this next venture of my life, the sooner I can get over Danny.
I shake any thoughts of him from my head. I’ve gotten pretty good at pushing him away, because if I don’t, I crumble.
“At least we’ve gotten to eat a lot of cake,” Josh points out.
Very true. Yummy cake at that.
Josh takes my hand – a motion I’ve gotten familiar with over the past few weeks. The first time he did it we were both stiff and awkward, but now that he does it all the time I’m used to it. His goodbye kisses are still hard for me. Each one feels like a betrayal to my heart and the man it belongs to. Luckily, we still aren’t allowed alone time, so it never goes past a quick peck.
It’s another hour of me pretending I care before my mom whisks me away to our next appointment. I fake being in such a hurry that I can’t give Josh the chance to kiss me goodbye.
Our next stop is with the seamstress for my dress. Sam is meeting us there along with my sisters for the bridesmaids’ dresses. It’s the only thing this week that has kept me going. With the help of Josh, they’ve allowed Sam to be a member of the bridal party, which I never thought would happen.
“I’m going to be your husband,” Josh had explained. “It’s my job to make sure you get what you want.” I should have been swooning, but all my thoughts did was wander to Dan and how Josh can’t do a fraction of what a look from Dan did to me.
The second I see Sam my body wants to run over and hug the hell out of her, but I restrain myself and instead offer a polite greeting.
Sam fusses with her Sunday clothes (the same ones she wears to our church), always uncomfortable in the attire. It makes me smile. She stands close to me while everyone chats. Just having her there brings me out of the fog I’ve been living in.
The seamstress brings out the dresses we’ve chosen for the girls so they can be properly fitted. I had wanted to do it myself, but the idea was too stressful for my mom and she insisted we hire someone.
Sam pokes her head out of the changing room, “Can you help me zip?”
I join her, only to find she already has it done.
“I wanted alone time,” she whispers.
We embrace, both of us missing the other.
“How is everyone?” I can’t help but ask.
“The same. Except Dan, he’s still being such an ass.” The mention of her brother deflates me and exposes the wound I try so hard to ignore. “I’m actually getting a little worried about him. He’s always in a pissy mood. Even the boys are getting irritated with his behavior. He won’t even socialize with them anymore. All he does is hang in his room by himself. He didn’t even play ball with them the other day. Plus, he keeps getting into fights. It’s gotten so bad that Tag said no more Friday parties. Tag thinks that girlfriend, or whatever she is, has something to do with it, but he gets pissed if anyone brings it up.” She shrugs, “I wish he’d talk to me or Tag.”
“He’ll be fine,” I reassure her, more for my benefit than hers.
We come out of dressing room to find my mom white-faced as she hangs up her phone, “Mrs. Fraser died.”
Blood drains from my body as the shock of her statement hits me.
We all knew her time was close, but I can’t wrap my head around it, “Are you sure?”
“Martha just confirmed.”
Martha is Mrs. Fraser’s longest living friend that comes by every few days to check on her.
The room spins. Not Mrs. Fraser.
The first thing that comes to mind is wanting to go to Danny so he can hold me while I cry out my grief, but I can’t. Instead, I hold it in until I go to bed that night. As I cry, I know I’m crying for more than the death of a very kind old woman. I’m crying for the end of a life I can never have again.
Chapter 23
“Thank you for coming,” Josh greets, handing out a program. “Should I even be saying that?” He asks under his breath when they’re out of earshot. “It feels too pleasant for a funeral. I feel like I should be sobbing when I hand it over, like it’s all too much to bear.” He mimes the way a person would look who is overcome with grief and exaggerates the way they would weep, using his whole body to overdramatize it.
I laugh, “I’m not really sure what we’re supposed to say.”
That’s one thing I really like about Josh. He can always make me laugh.
More people arrive and we paste on smiles and hand out the programs. My parents volunteered me for this position, not that I really mind; this way her family can grieve and not worry about something trivial like this. I wrangled Josh into helping me so I could have company, since they put Sam on duty to watch the children in the daycare area of our church. Luckily, she didn’t mind; she’s using it as practice for when she teaches older kids dance, stating, “If I can manage some toddlers and a few babies, I think I’ll be able to handle it.” Josh had eagerly agreed. It warmed my heart with how quick he was to want to spend time with me, even if it was at a funeral.
Mrs. Fraser didn’t have a very big family, so it’s a small service; most of the guests are members of our church.
Josh is staring oddly at something in the distance, “What’s Samantha’s cousin doing here?”
My head whips in the direction of the walkway, and my heart stops briefly before it starts beating frantically.
Tag is dressed in slacks and a tucked in dress shirt, clean shaven and more put together than I have ever seen him. What really takes me by surprise is Danny, who is there looking just as devastatingly handsome. The crew is following behind them. North even has his newsboy cap off for the first time I’ve ever seen. His red hair is brighter than I thought it was with the sun beating down on it. The twins are shoving each other. Jerry looks worried, like if he steps inside God will strike him down. Maddox is turning his head to check out a girl that passes.
What are they doing here?
They nod to me as they pass, each taking a program. Danny’s eyes briefly meet mine and all the longing, heartache, and love I have for him comes back full force, so strong it almost knocks me out.
God, I’ve missed them. I’ve missed him. My heart takes on a deeper level of sorrow as I watch them take the pew in the back.
I hand Josh my programs, “Can you take over for a minute?”
I don’t wait for a response as I make my way over to the boys.
“Mary!” Price greets with a large smile
Tripp jabs him with is elbow, “Dude, shut the fuck up. Y
ou know what Danny said, we’re not supposed to know her!”
I want to know what else Danny said, but it would be really awkward to ask.
“What are you guys doing here?” I ask instead.
Danny answers, his voice bringing up so many memories of happiness that I want to leap into his lap and beg him to run away with me, “We knew today would be hard on you, so we came to show our support.”
Tears sting my eyes and I swallow back a lump, “You guys are here for me?”
This time Maddox speaks up, “Of course! You’re our girl. Besides, if it wasn’t for this chick you wouldn’t have become a part of our lives.”
Hold it together. Don’t cry, I chant in my head.
“I love you guys,” I blurt out without thinking.
“Of course you do, we’re fucking awesome!” Tripp boasts, throwing his arms out.
This time Price is the one jabbing him in the ribs, “We’re in church! Christ man, watch the language.”
I laugh, swiping tears from my eyes. I can’t believe they’re here for me; even Danny, who I thought for sure hated my guts by now.
I point a thumb behind me, “I have to get back.”
Tripp moves an arm onto the pew so he can swivel around, “Is that your man?”
All their heads turn in Josh’s direction. Can they make themselves anymore obvious? Geesh!
The only person not looking is Danny, who remains staring straight ahead, his features hard.
I don’t answer, giving a quick wave before making my way back to my post. Unfortunately, now Lauren is here, tapping her foot with her arms crossed.
“Who are those boys?” She demands
I shrug, taking back my programs from Josh, trying to come off as casual as possible, “One of them is Samantha’s cousin. I’m not sure who the rest are. That’s why I went over there, to let them know this is for invited guests only.”
My sister nods her head in approval, “I just came over here to tell you we saved you two seats when you’re done.”
“Thank you,” Josh and I respond in unison.
We grin at each other and he offers me a wink.
After several more minutes, Josh clears his throat, “They sure looked excited to see you.”
I play dumb, “Who?”
“Samantha’s cousin and his friends.”
“Really?” I make a face to say that it’s news to me. “That’s weird.”
Josh frowns, looking over to them again. I do the same. They are all politely looking forward, barely moving. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them be this still, and I know they’re doing it for me. How can I love them just as much as my own family when they aren’t even blood?
I think about what Maddox said, about how I wouldn’t have met them if it wasn’t for Mrs. Fraser. He’s right, without that time on Tuesdays I would have never had the opportunity to go looking for them after that evening in the ice cream shop. It makes me think about how we don’t even realize the effect we have on the lives around us. You might completely change them and never even know.
When the service is about to start, Josh takes my hand and walks with me to our seats. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m aware of Danny’s presence or if he’s really watching us, but I feel like my back is on fire and I want to rip my hand away in guilt.
Our Pastor makes the same speech he does for all our Church funerals, and then we alternate between passages from the bible and singing.
Mrs. Fraser’s son gets up to give a speech about his mom and what a great person she was and how happy he is for her to be with his father in the eternal kingdom of glory were they are living with all the riches their heart’s desires. He then opens the mic up for anybody else who wants to share a word or two.
Martha, Mrs. Fraser’s oldest friend, wobbles her way up and shares about their friendship. Despite her voice and body being shaky, she gets everyone laughing a few times and it makes me wish that I had gotten to know Mrs. Fraser when she was more able to move and her mind was sharper.
Nobody else comes forward, and it bothers me. Surely more than two people have something nice to say for such a tender, kind-hearted soul? As the Pastor makes his way back up to the podium, I stand. I can’t let her only have two people make a speech.
I have doubts as I walk up, playing with the end of my braid. What do I think I’m even going to say?
The Pastor motions me forward as he takes a step back.
I glance out into the crowd, my stage fright giving me cotton mouth, and I wish I had some water.
My eyes land on Danny and they stay there. He doesn’t look away and I draw strength from him, almost like I can feel him sending it all to me.
I begin right after licking my now very dry lips, “I had the honor of knowing both Mr. and Mrs. Fraser at our church. They had been coming here long before I was even born. I remember Mr. Fraser always had candies in his pockets that he would pass out to the younger kids.” I see people smile in remembrance. “A few times, when I was older, he would even slip me a few and give me his signature wink.
“Mrs. Fraser could always be heard singing her heart out during the service. She always had this joy to life, even near the end when she knew her time was growing short. She never had a negative thing to say about anyone. When people tend to love to gossip, she never did. I find that admirable. I remember–” I take in a big shaky breath as I pour out my heart and love for a woman I should have given more of my time to. “She’d always tell me, ‘Hannah, fill your cup with joy. Fill it all the way to the top, and when life gets rough and dumps it out, just keep filling it back up.’”
I stop to bring in another rattled breath. Once again my eyes meet Danny’s and the world feels heavy around me, my longing for him crushing me like a freight train. I allowed what I had with him to be dumped out.
“She was right,” I say, more to myself. My voice has gotten lower, but the microphone still picks it up. “Keep what fills up your cup, because that’s what’s going to sustain you and help you when it spills, and maybe you’ll get lucky enough that it spills over the top with all your joys.”
That’s where my speech ends and I stumble away, hurrying outside because I’m suddenly finding it hard to breathe. I finally realize my mistake. Danny is what makes my cup overflow, and living the rest of my life without him would be like trying to fill it with a hole in the bottom.
All this time I have been questioning God and why he sent the Shepards into my life, but it’s clear now. It was never a test, it was a gift. A gift I threw away.
I gasp for breath once I hit the outside air, the sun beating down on me.
I double over, hands on my knees as I will my lungs to breathe.
What have I done? I’ve ruined everything.
I clutch my chest. It shouldn’t be this hard to breathe.
A hand rests on my back, but I immediately know it’s not the one I want.
Josh rubs it soothingly, “It’s okay, funerals can be hard.” He guides me over to a bench in the shade and has me put my head between my legs as I try to get in air. What’s wrong with me right now?
After what feels like hours, my breathing begins to stabilize and I slowly lift myself up. I look down at my hand and watch my fingers play with the beautiful diamond that’s there. For the first time in my life I want to do what’s right for me.
I twist it off and hold it up.
Josh looks to me in confusion.
“I can’t marry you.”
He blinks back at me. I take his hand and place the ring in it.
“I really thought I could because I know you’ll make a great husband.” An “I’m sorry” is at the tip of my tongue, but who wants to hear those words? “I just hope one day you can forgive me.”
“Why are you doing this?” He stares down at his hand clenching the ring, then looks up, so much confusion swimming around in his eyes. “Is it because of how hard today has been? Funerals can make people’s emotions get out of whack.”
; “No, it’s not that. I should never have said yes in the first place. I’m in love with somebody else.” This surprises him even more, and his eyebrows raise. “I will love him for the rest of my life and that’s not fair to you.”
Even if Danny wants nothing to do with me, I know I’m finally making the right choice. Josh deserves a wife who can give him her heart – we all deserve that.
My family comes out, my dad leading the group, “What’s going on? Why did you leave like that?”
I turn to face them, glad that there’s witnesses so my father doesn’t try to do anything.
I get right to the point, the need to go find Danny consuming me, “I’ve ended my engagement to Josh.”
At first they all stare at me open-mouthed, then my father’s rage kicks in. I see it first in his clenched fists, then it travels up to his tightened body and anger flames his eyes, “Excuse me?”
I stand tall, for the first time in my life somehow finding strength to stand up for myself, “I’m not ready to be married. I still have so many things I want to do first.”
“The hell you aren’t!” It’s the first time I have heard my father say any kind of swear word. “Let’s get in the car and get home where we can talk about this.” He looks to Josh, “My daughter’s under a lot of stress with the funeral and wedding planning. Please forgive her, she’s not herself right now.”
My father goes to take hold of my arm, but I yank it away.
“I know exactly what I’m saying.”
“Young lady, you get that ring back and get in the car,” he hisses, redness rising up his face so fast I think it might shoot out the top of his head.
“I can’t. This isn’t the life I want.”
He goes for my arm again, but I back away.
“And what life do you want?”
“I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. I haven’t a clue. I just know it doesn’t include marrying Josh, or anyone else I don’t want to.
My mom speaks up meekly, “Maybe we should get Pastor Reynolds over here and we can all pray on this.”