How to Marry Your Husband

by Jacqueline Rohen

  When the doorbell rang Roger rushed to the front door. It was a florist with a huge bouquet of two dozen red roses. Norma assumed the delivery girl had the wrong address.

  Roger presented Norma with the unwieldy array of flowers. She opened the small envelope attached to them. The note had been written in cursive script. Norma couldn’t help but smile, making David wonder if he’d ever seen Norma actually happy before.

  Rachel gently took the card and read aloud: ‘Beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman. Always, Roger x.’

  Norma blushed as she thanked him.

  Roger brushed back his hair and winked at Kevin as he slowly sank down on one knee. The pressure on an old ankle injury threatened to destabilise him for a moment but Kevin steadied him obligingly. David could not believe his eyes. He’d planned his proposal in advance, although not as well as Roger had, it seemed. He was being upstaged by his own father-in-law-to-be. This was not how today was supposed to pan out. Roger had only been seeing Norma for … what? A matter of weeks!

  ‘Norma, will you make me the happiest man in the—’

  ‘Are you kidding me?’ David whispered to Rachel.

  ‘Get up before you do yourself an injury,’ Norma said.

  ‘Mum! That’s not an answer,’ Rachel admonished her.

  ‘Yes.’ Norma’s mouth stayed tight-lipped for a moment but she allowed herself a smile eventually. It might even have reached her eyes.

  ‘When did you two meet?’ David asked.

  Norma ignored the question.

  ‘Let’s celebrate!’ Roger said.

  Kevin was one step ahead. He opened the fridge and popped open the chilled Champagne. David’s Champagne. The Champagne David had brought with him to celebrate his own proposal, to his own wife. He looked on in horror as Roger and company splashed back his expensive fizz.

  ‘Did you know about this?’ David whispered into Rachel’s ear.

  ‘Isn’t it exciting!’ She clapped her hands together.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ he said through gritted teeth.

  Rachel stared at him nonplussed.

  ‘You’re not interested in anything Mum does.’

  ‘I certainly would have liked to know about this.’

  Roger suggested going down the road to celebrate at the newly refurbished gastropub, which served beer-battered fish and chips for an exorbitant price. The fish and chips were certainly good, but David wasn’t convinced they were £25 good.

  ‘Weddings are like buses – none for years and now, what with Jojo and Beth’s and this, two come along at once!’ Kevin quipped.

  ‘And after we’ve eaten, David can help Roger set up the new PC.’ It was a statement rather than a request from Norma.

  David thought that really took the biscuit. He smiled, but had no intention of helping Roger do anything. As they waited for Norma to get ready to leave the house – this needed a change of lipstick, shoes and clothes, including for some reason a different pair of tights that looked identical to the originals – David texted his sister:

  David:Guess who got engaged?!

  Jojo:Amaze-balls – so happy for you both xxx

  David:Guess again.

  Jojo:Oh, no – WTF? What have you done? I get Rachel in your faux-divorce. This is me officially calling dibs on her.

  David:Can you imagine, the righteous Dowager Keatley is engaged?

  Jojo:The ice queen?

  David:The very same.

  Jojo:You got pwned by Roger!

  David:Yes, please laugh at the further destruction of my sanity.

  Jojo:Send the ice queen my congrats!

  Rachel

  32

  Rachel finished applying her make up and covered herself head-to-toe in body lotion. It was for a special occasion rather than a new routine for her impending journey into even older age. She could never actually adopt a body moisturising routine – there were too many other distractions in life. How did anyone have the time? In the morning she couldn’t wait for the cream to be absorbed before getting dressed and at night she didn’t want to mess up the sheets.

  Why did she need to try to look ten years younger? The anti-ageing industry’s job was to reinforce the idea that ageing was bad, and sure, surgery and lotions and potions might help in the short-term. But nothing was going to change the inevitability of getting older or time passing.

  Rachel accepted she was the age she was and tried hard to leave behind all the bullshit pressure. That said, she was agonising internally over her neck folds when the doorbell rang. She wrapped herself in a dressing gown. Surely it was too early for guests?

  Eva couldn’t stop; she was dropping off the replacement cake toppers (the company had sent two grooms instead of two brides by accident) and still had a blow-dry appointment and a manicure to fit in. She was now firmly Rachel’s friend first and colleague second. Rachel didn’t know how she would have coped without Eva’s strength to fall back on.

  As Rachel walked her to the front door she watched in slow motion as Eva opened it, Kevin stood on the step outside with his finger poised to ring the bell, and Eva let out a high-pitched shriek. Kevin smiled, unperturbed.

  ‘Hi, I’m—’ he said, holding out his hand to shake hers. Eva didn’t return his gesture but left his hand hanging. ‘Whatever you’re selling, we’re not buying.’

  ‘Actually, I’m here for Rachel, is she in?’

  ‘Rachel?’

  ‘Rachel – my sister.’

  She popped out from behind Eva.

  ‘Eva, this is Kevin, my numbskull brother.’

  Rachel noted with glee Eva’s icy expression as she took the measure of the man standing in front of her. Eva was in four-inch stilettos and her eyes were level with Kevin’s. Rachel was sure they had met before but obviously not properly. Now they were eyeing each other up like cowboys duelling at high noon. Eva told Rachel she would be back in time for the celebrations. She shooed Kevin out of her way, leaving his arm still outstretched.

  ‘Who was that?’ he asked as he watched her sashay away in her pink heels.

  ‘Keep away from my office manager.’

  ‘Wait, is she the nymphomaniac?’

  ‘Who told you that?’

  ‘You did!’

  ‘Actually, she’s not a nympho – she’s just very in tune with her … look, it’s a long story – and don’t try to change the subject. You’ve got work to do.’

  Rachel changed into a tuxedo onesie. She had her wedding outfit packed for later. She gave Kevin a list of errands. He was happy to be helpful but continued to ask questions about Rachel’s aloof office manager.

  ‘She’d eat you alive. And she’s had more husbands than you’ve had hot dinners.’

  ‘That’s a LOT of husbands.’

  ‘It was a figure of speech.’

  ‘Your phone is flashing like a seventies disco.’

  ‘Pass it here.’

  Beth was incoherent. She was blubbing and wheezing to the point where Rachel had difficulty hearing what was wrong. Beth said she couldn’t phone Jojo because it was bad luck. Rachel could hear her mother-in-law, Lillian, trying to calm Beth in the background. Rachel ran through a mental checklist. Everything was checked, double-checked and triple-checked. All except one thing.

  ‘Is it the baby? What’s wrong?’

  Beth tried to talk but the hysteria was too strong.

  ‘Beth, please breathe. Do I need to phone an ambulance?’

  She was finally able to squeeze out the words: her parents had missed their plane from Texas.

  ‘It’s fine. We can delay, what time will they land?’ Rachel was relieved, missed flights she could deal with.

  ‘Tomorrow! They won’t get in until tomorrow.’

  Rachel thought they could delay by a few hours but not by an entire day.

  Shit! Think, Rachel, think.

  ‘Beth, we have two options: one – we postpone. We have wedding insurance, we can find another venue, and there are always last-minute c
ancellations.’

  ‘We can’t cancel! I can’t do that to Jo.’ Beth still sounded distraught but at least she had reined in her sobs.

  ‘Okay – second option, we go ahead and then have another celebration, say a big dinner party with your parents, once they arrive. What do you think?’

  ‘But who will give me away?’

  Rachel wanted to say David, but he already had Best Man duties. She looked at her brother and found the solution.

  ‘Kevin! He’s here, he loves you. He’d be honoured … and he looks great in his morning suit.’

  Kevin looked panicked by the unknown prospect that Rachel was pimping him for. His eyes begged for reassurance, but Rachel flapped away his alarm and Beth quickly agreed to her suggestion. Rachel asked Beth to put Lillian on the phone. She instructed her mother-in-law to:

  1) Keep Beth calm,

  2) Ensure the bridesmaids left on time, and

  3) Wait with Beth until Rachel and Kevin arrived.

  Rachel tried to get Eva on the phone while urging David to hurry up.

  ‘We’re going to be—’ Rachel shouted up the stairs. ‘Oh, Eva, thank God – we have a change of plan. Beth’s parents are stuck in Texas … hold on a minute, David’s saying something.’

  ‘Why don’t you go on ahead?’ he bellowed from the bedroom.

  ‘We can’t be late.’ What was taking him so long? ‘She’s your sister! And you’re the Best Man!’ She returned to her call. ‘Eva, you know what to do … yep … Kevin is going to step in. See you here at two.’

  Rachel glanced at an ashen-faced Kevin. ‘We can do this,’ she said unconvincingly.

  David came down the stairs and Rachel gave him a list of things he had to do. She alluded to the drama with Beth’s parents but warned him not to tell Jojo until the very last minute. ‘The very last, do you understand?’

  ‘Jojo will want to check Beth is okay,’ Rachel instructed. ‘Do not tell Jojo until you absolutely have to.’

  David gave her a look that said, ‘I’m not stupid’.

  He studied his list and began packing various boxes into the car.

  David came back in to say goodbye and kissed Rachel on the left eye. ‘What did you do that for?’ She checked her face in the hall mirror – he’d smudged her mascara. She resembled a lopsided panda. She huffed her way up the stairs, mumbling about not having enough time to redo her entire face.

  Rachel and Kevin arrived at Beth and Jojo’s exactly on time. Rachel gasped as she saw Beth who looked amazing in her wedding dress, albeit a little red around the eyes. She was wearing an ivory strapless mermaid gown with a long train that had been altered to accommodate the delicate baby bump. Beth was positively glowing, although she found it difficult to walk longer than a few minutes without needing to sit down. The pregnancy was taking its toll, and she had severe hyperemesis gravidarum. Lillian was more than happy to explain to Kevin that Beth suffered from the same morning sickness as the Duchess of Cambridge.

  Kevin told Beth he was proud to be walking her down the aisle, and she relaxed in his comforting presence.

  Rachel tried not to look at her watch. She had promised Eva they wouldn’t be late and could feel her phone vibrating in the small clutch bag. Beth’s bump wasn’t even that big, yet she waddled like a swan – more gracefully than a duck, but only just. They managed to get her out of the house, but then her bladder decided to throw its own curveball. And back inside they went.

  Kevin looked the other way as Rachel and Lillian tried to squeeze into the bathroom with Beth along with the train of her dress. They tried not to laugh at Beth’s minutes-long racehorse wee. Despite the number of events she’d managed, Rachel had never before had to adjust a bride’s knickers into place. She pulled up the maternity underwear (something blue) over Beth’s bump, straightened the ivory garter (something old), and smoothed the dress (something new) into place. Lillian finished the look with a family heirloom, a pearl bracelet, which she fastened to Beth’s small right wrist (something borrowed).

  They tried not to rush Beth, who was wobbling towards the car like a giraffe with broken legs.

  ‘Are we late? What time is it?’ Beth gasped.

  ‘We’re fine,’ Rachel lied. ‘And they’ll wait.’

  They reached the entrance of the eighteenth-century manor house where the civil ceremony was taking place. Rachel smoothed Beth’s hair and kissed her on both cheeks. ‘You’re gorgeous. Enjoy your day. Now I’m going to hand you over to Kevin.’

  Beth asked for a moment before she vomited violently into a bush of lilac rhododendrons. Rachel stroked her back as she tried to keep the veil away from Beth’s face.

  Beth apologised profusely between retches. Rachel messaged Eva with a live-to-the-minute update, while Kevin appeared with a bottle of water for the sick bride, who swilled some water but didn’t want to risk drinking any. What goes down must come up!

  ‘I’m ready,’ she advised.

  Kevin held Beth’s elbow. ‘Let’s do this.’

  Rachel was flittering at the back of the room as Kevin and Beth took slow and delicate steps. Between them Eva and Rachel were keeping track of the catering, the registrar, the DJ, the Champagne toast, the free bar, parking, the presents, the environmentally friendly alternatives to confetti. She was organising the wedding instead of participating in it – this was the best present she could bestow on her best friend.

  She slid into the end of a row of seats to her right. David gave Rachel a wink and her heart ached as she thought about her own never-marriage.

  There was a moment of amusement when both brides realised they had chosen near-identical dresses. The registrar had to give a small cough to ease the tittering among the guests.

  David

  33

  David was given strict orders not to tell Jojo about Beth’s parents’ absence until the very last minute. He was undecided how to say goodbye. Should he kiss Rachel on the mouth, or the cheek, or simply pat her affectionately on the bum? He’d decided to kiss her on the cheek when she turned suddenly and his lips landed square on her eye.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she shouted at him.

  He put up his hands. ‘I didn’t mean—’

  Rachel pushed past him to check her make-up, complaining that she didn’t have time to start again. It was clear that he’d been dismissed. David tried to laugh it off as Kevin stood awkwardly watching the interaction.

  David sat in the car and slapped his own cheeks. He didn’t want troubling thoughts of his relationship with Rachel to ruin his sister’s wedding. But it was going to be difficult to keep it together.

  ‘You can do this, you’ve got this,’ he said to himself. The question he was trying to avoid was flooding his brain. What was he going to do?

  His phone beeped.

  Jojo: Where the hell are you?!?!

  David walked his sister down the middle of the ornate drawing room of the wedding venue and they stood before the registrar waiting for Beth.

  ‘I’m not nervous,’ she declared.

  ‘It’s okay to be.’

  Jojo whispered that she had butterflies, but in a good way; they were butterflies of happiness. ‘I was never expecting to get married. What with it being illegal and all that,’ she continued. ‘Seriously, until the law actually changed, I thought … maybe it wouldn’t happen. Maybe I’d never marry a woman. And I’d got used to it – the idea of living in sin. Or hiding a secret union.

  ‘It may not be a church but this room is beautiful. Now I want the ceremony to be over because I can’t wait for the rest of my life to begin! I can’t wait to be Mrs Elizabeth Taylor and for Beth to be Mrs Joanne Chatsworth or for us both to be Mrs Chatsworth-Taylor. Sorry – I’m babbling. David – can I ask you a small favour?’

  ‘Go for it.’

  ‘I know you are barely suppressing the urge to declare yourself to Rachel all over again, but please don’t propose to her during Beth’s and my wedding.’

  ‘As if I would – it’s your
day!’ Jojo raised an eyebrow at him, unconvinced. ‘I promise.’ Deep in his jacket pocket, David’s fingers were crossed. He hadn’t planned to upstage the brides, but if he found the right time and place today, somewhere quiet and private, he would definitely ask his wife to marry him. He patted his breast pocket; the ring box reassured him with its presence.

  ‘Are they late?’ Jojo asked in a small voice. ‘My watch didn’t suit the dress. What time is it?’

  David smiled at the thought of Jojo’s metal Casio watch from yesteryear and squeezed her hand. Rachel had promised him to secrecy, and she’d also promised him that Beth would be on time, so there was no need to worry Jojo with the details.

  ‘You know what women are like.’ He rolled his eyes.

  Jojo gave him a huge smile. ‘Cute, did anyone ever tell you that?’ She thumbed the small dimple in his chin, before adding nervously, ‘She is coming, isn’t she?’

  David had never seen his sister scared before. Loud recorded organ music began bouncing off the walls and ceiling. Jojo looked at David who had turned to face the door.

  He nodded. It was time.

  David pressed his handkerchief into his sister’s palm; he knew she would need it.

  ‘Can I look? What’s the etiquette? Or is it bad luck?’

  ‘Relax, take a deep breath.’

  ‘Sorry, I’m still babbling.’ Jojo stayed facing forward. The wedding guests could be heard whispering with excitement.

  ‘One last thing,’ said David. ‘Beth’s parents didn’t make their flight. But it’s okay! Kevin will be escorting her in.’

  Jojo turned to face him. ‘What the actual f—?’

  ‘Eyes forward! Beth didn’t want you to worry. But also, she didn’t want you to freak out. So breathe in and suck it up.’

  ‘I hate you so much right now,’ his sister whispered.

  ‘I love you too. Come on, you’re up!’ he whispered back.

  Kevin lifted Beth’s veil and David winced as his brother-in-law tried to secure the delicate lace clumsily with a hair clip. When he’d finished he sat down quietly and David saw that Jojo’s little finger was intertwined with Beth’s. Jojo and Beth looked at each other in their matching dresses and similar bouquets, and they giggled and laughed, until the registrar gave a small cough. Jojo gave David a knowing glance as she used his hankie to dab away her tears of happiness.