by Shan
9: Jahzara
“Hello,” I said into the receiver.
“Yea,” Imran said on the other line as if the sound of my voice bothered him.
“I wanted to check to see if you had found your keys.”
“Nope. Somebody stole my shit.”
“Oh my God!” I sat forward in the hospital bed and placed my left hand over my chest.
Imran had been the only thing on my mind since he’d came into my hospital room yesterday. I wanted to hate him and no longer wanted to have feelings for him, but seeing him made me think about all the good times we’d had together. I had come to regret all of the things I had done wrong, and all of the times I had made him feel like I didn’t love him.
I was confused after I received the divorce papers in the mail. I was hurt and the last thing I had needed was to enter into a relationship so suddenly. Even then, I still cared about Imran. Now I see that a lot of my actions suggested otherwise. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would. I would have never walked into that abortion clinic and killed our child. I would have accepted Imran’s marriage proposal and I would have married him.
I felt so damn stupid after I rationalized everything that I had done. Imran was a good ass man. He had treated me with nothing but respect and I walked all over him. I didn’t deserve him, but I wanted him. I wanted him more than ever now. I wanted another chance with him and I was willing to do what I had to do to show him that.
“Look, I’m handling some business right now. Let me hit you back later, Jahzara. You good?” Imran asked, in a rushed manner.
“Yes, I’m good, but Imran-”” I said, but suddenly my mind became boggled and confused.
I had so much I wanted to say to him, but all of a sudden, I was nervous as fuck. I took the consent form the doctors had me fill out for my surgery and began to fan myself with it.
“I just wanted to tell you that I need you, Imran. I know I fucked up before, but I hope you understand that I was so lost and confused. Sitting up in this hospital and seeing you yesterday made me realize how much you mean to me. Babe, I want another chance to show you that I’m a real woman that rides for her man. Not that childish shit that I was doing before. Going back and forth between you and Quin. Killing your seed, and shit like that. That’s not me at all. My head was so fucked up and out of place that I just didn’t realize what the hell I was doing.”
“That all sounds good, ma’, but you got me in a lot of shit that I’m still fighting to get out of it. I don’t know if you and me will work. True, I loved you like a muthafucka and this would have been all worth it if you had loved me the same, but-”
“But I do love you the same, Imran!” I cried. “I was scared because of the betrayal I had felt from Quin. It was all so fresh. You gotta understand that.”
“I understand, but it doesn’t change anything that happened though. How do I know you won’t run out on me again? Leave me when I need you the most. I mean, how do I know that you’re only saying this because your husband is dead and you just don’t wanna be lonely?”
I had to think about what Imran was saying and actually ask myself if that had been true. Was I just feeling like this because I had no one else to run to, or did I really want to be with him? Did I really want him in my life because I loved him, or was I just afraid of being alone? I listened to my heart; it was speaking a lot clearer than my mind.
“Quin was a loser and it took all of this for me to know that. I had a good man in you, and I took advantage of that. I’m not asking for you to forget everything that happened, I just want a chance to show you better,” I said, speaking straight from the heart.
“I hear ya, ma’, I hear ya. Look, I’m a get back up with you and see how you doing in a couple of days. When are you supposed to be leaving the hospital?” Imran asked.
“I have surgery next week,” I told him. “After that, the doctor said I will probably have to stay for about four to five more days.”
“Okay, maybe I’ll come back through there next week and wait until you’re out of surgery and sit with you for a little while. Right now, I really need to get this lil situation handled. I think Rain is the one that got my keys and stole my shit. I’m like twenty minutes away from Maryland where I think she might be at.”
“Oh wow, I knew it was something about her, but—never mind, I really don’t have any room to speak on anyone else and what they’ve done to you. All I can do is speak for myself. I know that if given another chance, I would do so much better than before. I would ride for you the same way I did Quin until he fucked me over. I don’t know if you know or not, but I rode hard for that nigga. It just fucked me up so bad when he betrayed me the way he did. I should’ve just been straight up with you from day one and told you that I wasn’t ready for you.”
“But you ready now?” Imran asked and I could hear the skepticism in his voice.
“Hell yea I’m ready! I hope that I see you next week when I come out of surgery.”
“You will, ma’.”
Imran and I said a few more words to each other before we both hung up the phone. I hoped that he could feel the words that I was saying to him and know that I was for real about my shit. I was a strong woman through and through. Although I had fucked up, I was willing to admit my mistakes and make that shit right.
I sat back in my bed and closed my eyes, praying that Imran would be here next week. I really need that. I knew my parents would be here to sit by my side, but if he was here it would make it all that much better.
10 : Rain
It was 2:30 in the afternoon and I was just now getting out of bed. I hadn’t realized how tired I was until I finally laid down to get some rest. I honestly hadn’t had any real sleep since I had made it into Dallas, crying and calling Imran for his help. I would get an hour or two here and there, but never anything that would allow my body to cope from all the stress I had been putting on it. Sadly, now that I had actually slept, I felt more exhausted than I had before I laid down last night. The aches and pains that I thought were minor felt more severe that I had perceived them to be.
I walked into the bathroom and immediately spotted my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and swollen and my skin was in major need of some care. I took the brush off the counter and brushed my hair upwards into a neat ponytail. Turning on the water, I took a handful and splattered it across my face.
I took in a deep breath and shook my head. Sometimes I hated looking at my damn self. I looked so much like my mother that it freaked me out whenever I passed a mirror. My mother was the main reason I struggled with addiction problems. She was abusive to me physically and emotionally. I swear she hated me. It was like she was jealous of me for some strange reason and would do whatever she could to see me suffer.
I had heard from my auntie that my mother always suffered with insecurities about her looks. As a dark chocolate woman she was teased a lot when she was growing up and felt like she couldn’t get a good man because of her looks. When I had come into the world, she had no idea what I would look like because she didn’t know my father was. My auntie said that at first she was happy that I was so beautiful, but as I got older and she realized that I was mixed with something, she hated me. She hated the fact that people always told me how pretty I was and how beautiful my skin was. After finding out that she was jealous of me and didn’t really love me made perfect sense. All I knew was that she tried to destroy me and I had to do everything in my power to ensure that she had never won that battle.
I took a washcloth and wet it with some warm water and then placed it over my face, hoping that it would help with some of the swelling I was experiencing. I allowed the towel to just sit on my face as I made my way back to the bedroom. Sitting on the side of the bed, I picked up my cell phone to see if I had missed calls or text messages from Chino. I hadn’t heard from him since yesterday evening and I was hoping that everything went according to plan.
I had a total of twenty one missed calls and w
hen I clicked down on the phone icon, they were all from my cousin Jina. My heart fluttered in my chest and my head began to throb. I pressed down on the last missed call from her and placed the phone to my ear. I waited until she picked up.
“Hey Rain! I’ve been calling you all night and morning. You’re okay?” Jina asked joyfully.
“Yea, I’m good girl. What’s wrong? What got you blowing up my phone like this?”
“Imran called back yesterday asking a whole lot of questions. He asked so many questions that I got scared and hung up on him. He was sounding like a damn fool girl. What you done did to that boy?” Jina laughed, but I didn’t find any humor in the situation.
I quickly stood to my feet and marched over to the closet to grab something to put on. I had a few clothes over here from the times I used to sneak off from Yurie’s bed to spend with Chino. I quickly put on a pair of jeans and then grabbed the first shirt I saw, not caring whether or not it matched.
“What kind of questions was he asking, Jina?” I asked as I held the phone between my shoulder and my ear.
“He was just asking when the last time I had seen you. If I knew if you were in Maryland for sure. He wanted to know where me and Ma lived. He was asking if you had gone shopping and just crazy stuff, girl. I started acting like the phone started tripping and hung up on him. He called back a few times, but I didn’t answer.”
“Oh God, okay Jina. I’ll call you back,” I said. I quickly hung up the phone and rushed to get a small bag to throw some personal items in.
Damn it! I should’ve known Imran was smarter than that. I should’ve just killed him. Why the fuck didn’t I kill him? He knows, damn it, he knows!
I went through my call log on my phone and quickly dialed Chino’s number. I needed him to come and get me because we needed to get the fuck out of town immediately. I didn’t wanna hear shit about him and his niggas having shit under control either.
“Fuck!” I yelled when the phone went straight to voicemail. I dialed the number again and the same fucking thing—the fucking voicemail. I shook my head and looked around the room, wondering if Chino had any money lying around. I had nothing. I let Chino walk out of here with everything and didn’t even think to keep a few dollars for myself in case of an emergency. I started to search all of the drawers and under the mattress, but didn’t find anything. I went to the closet and searched in his shoe boxes. I didn’t come across any money, but I did luck up on a .45 that might come in handy. I stuffed that inside of my bag and did a little more searching.
Bzzz! Bzzz! Bzzz!
I looked down at the phone and saw that it was that same number that Imran called me from yesterday. I contemplated on not answering the phone, but then realized that would be a dumb move. I had to know where his head was at. I had to see if he was just working on a hunch or if he knew that I had fucked him over.
“Hello,” I answered the phone trying to sound like I had been sleeping. I didn’t want him to know that I was scared shitless.
“What up? I was just calling to check on you. You didn’t sound too good when I spoke to you yesterday,” Imran said and I breathed a little easier. I thought that he was gonna start yelling out all these accusations the minute I picked up.
“Oh, I’m good, boo. I was just getting a little rest. Bitch got a couple of broken ribs from that accident so I’m just trying to heal up so I can move around. How are you doing?” I asked, feigning concern.
“I’m cool. Bout to head out to Lubbock and chill. I left the hospital early. You know me; I can’t sit around in a bed while people run in and out my room all day. I figured I’ll let Kira get me back up to par.”
“I heard that. How is ya girl, Jahzara, doing?”
“She cool.”
“So, you heading to Lubbock? Is she going with you?”
“Nah, she still in the hospital. She won’t get out for another couple of weeks,” Imran cleared his throat. “So, where you at? How about you come to Lubbock and chill with me for a while. Them niggas that’s after you shouldn’t know anything about that spot.”
“Ummm, I don’t know Imran. I’ve been cooling it where I’m at with no problems and I’m really scared to move. So far everything has been going good here, you know?”
“Where is here? Where you at?”
“In Chicago,” I said and shook my head. I don’t know why the fuck I said Chicago out of all places, but hell it was the first place that had come to mind.
“Damn, what you doing up there? I was gonna say let me come and scoop you up, but shit I don’t know about coming to no Chicago. Who you staying with out there?”
“I got a room at a Motel 6. Like I said, just laying low for a little while.”
“Okay, that’s what’s up. Well a’ight then, I’ll let you lay low and holla at you another time. a’ight?”
“A’ight boo. Holla at you later,” I said and quickly hung up the phone. Shit, I couldn’t tell one way or another if he was on to me or not. He was not giving me any telltale signs that I needed to run and never look back. However, if he had been calling Jina and asking her all of those questions he had to know something.
“Okay, calm down, Rain. Get your shit together and calm the fuck down,” I told myself and dialed Chino’s number again, but it went straight to voice mail yet again.
I shook my head and took a seat in the middle of the bedroom. I wasn’t sure what to do. I couldn’t go far since I didn’t have a car or any money. After taking a few moments to calm myself down and think, I decided that I would go to my aunt and cousin’s house to see if they had any money to loan me until I got in contact with Chino.
11 : Imran
I fired up a blunt and leaned my seat back just a little so that I could still peek out of the window and not be seen at the same time. I had arrived in Maryland about an hour ago and had come straight to the address that I was given by one of Rain’s family members. It didn’t take much for them to give it to me once I had told them that I was concerned about Rain’s mother and that I needed to get in contact with her. They knew that Rain’s mother was sick due to her extensive drug use over the years, so it worked like a charm.
I watched as who I assumed was Rain’s cousin, Jina, sit on the front porch of her home chit chatting away on the phone, not realizing that I was watching her. I had even called the phone several times and watched how she’d rolled her eyes at the phone as she ignored my calls. I’m sure Rain had told her to either ignore me or lie to me, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t leaving here until I had either confirmed that Rain was not in Maryland or until I caught up with her. I knew she’d robbed me. It made perfect sense. It was the only thing that made sense. The one thing that didn’t make sense was why.
The only conclusion I’d come up with was her damn drug problem. I should’ve known not to trust her ass after she burned me the first time, but after hearing her plead with me to help her, it was a request I just couldn’t refuse.
“You want me to go over there and start asking some questions?” Kira asked. She took in her surroundings and brought her attention back to me. I had her come along with me in case I started feeling like I was gonna faint again. I didn’t need to be having anymore car accidents. This time, I was sure, there would be no coming back.
“Nah cuz, I don’t need you going up there and saying shit. I just want you to watch my back,” I said with a smirk.
“I’ll have Rain’s location within the next five minutes and Rain will be handing you every damn dollar that she took. I can’t believe she’s up to that bullshit again. After all you’ve done for that heifer.”
“Everybody ain’t appreciative,” I sighed. “I should’ve known. Sick of these hoes running game on me and thinking I’m just gonna lay down and take it.”
“Mmm-hmm, I hear that. I liked Jahzara though. Even though she was a little flip floppy, I think she has a good heart.”
“You think so?”
“Yea, I do.”
“Funny you say that. I�
��ve been thinking about her ever since I had the lil talk with her earlier. After I settle this shit with Rain, I’m gonna go back and check up on her. I won’t lie and say that I don’t still have love for her. She fucked up, but she did sound genuine when I talked to her.”
Thinking about the conversation I had with Jahzara had me feeling like maybe I was jumping ship a little too soon. We had some real good times together until all this crazy shit started popping off and Honey got to acting a fool. The times I spent with her were great enough for me to want to marry her and not only that, she was the only woman to have carried my child, even if it had been for a short period of time. Now might not be the time to walk away from her since I still have feelings for her. Maybe it was best to explore those feelings and not walk away from them. Shit might not be the same as before, but I was willing to try and work on it to see where it goes.
“Look, there that skinny broad go right there.”
I perked up and looked over at Rain’s auntie’s house and saw Rain walking up with a back pack on her back. She looked around a few times and stood in front of her cousin, deep in conversation. I grabbed the pistol that I’d gotten from B.B. and slowly opened the car door.
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
The sound of the car alarming me that I had left the keys in the ignition caused Rain to look my way. A horrifying expression pinned her face and she took off running.
“Get in the driver seat! I’m going after her!” I yelled to Kira.
I gripped my hand over my stomach and gave chase. Rain running from me was all the confirmation that I’d needed. An innocent person wouldn’t have a reason to run. Rain cut between some houses and I sped up only a mere five feet behind her. My chest was throbbing and my feet began to feel weak.
“Fuck it!” I said and stopped running. I pointed the pistol in her direction and fired it.
POW!
The bullet connected with the back of her right calf muscle and caused her to immediately drop to the ground. I didn’t give a fuck when she started to roll around all over the grass screaming in pain. I didn’t play about my fucking money. I only gave, gave, and gave to Rain, and she’d betrayed me numerous of times. The first time it was something that I could deal with, but this time she was playing with my life. After losing my house, and losing my connect, the money I had put up in Lubbock was all I had left. It was the money that I was gonna use to either live off of until I figured out my next move or what I would use to crank back up.