by Marie Skye
“Look at me, Gwen.” I waited until she finally did. “You said I needed to eat before my dinner got cold. So, I think I’ll do just that.” I spread her legs wider as I buried my face between her legs.
* * *
Gwen snuggled closer to me. “Best dinner ever.”
I yawned. “Yeah. I didn’t know I could like spaghetti so much. Especially when I’m eating it from your…”
Gwen covered my mouth with her hand. It’s so cute, how she can still be shy over filthy words. She finally uncovered my mouth. “Pussy.”
She gasped. “Hawkins!”
I grabbed her, twisting her around, until I was on top. I was already getting hard. I shut my eyes briefly. “I do need to talk to you about something.”
I slowly sat up, and she looked at me uncertain. “Okay. What is it?”
I took a deep breath, and grabbed her hand, looking into her eyes. “This doesn’t change anything between us, okay? I don’t want anything to change.”
She slowly nodded and I shook my head. “No, Gwen, say it! Promise me that nothing will change between us.”
Her other hand reached up to cup my face, and I leaned into her touch. She was trembling. “Hawkins,” she whispered out. “Just tell me.” But I couldn’t. Not until she promised. She leaned forward, kissing me lightly on the lips. “Nothing, will change between us.” My gaze penetrated hers. I felt like I needed to see inside her soul to know that she really was with me.
“You know I served in the military, but you don’t know exactly what my job entailed.” I got up off the bed, needing to move around. “I led a team of operations to take down a man that was responsible for sex trafficking children. And, when I say children, I mean little kids, probably no more than five years old, stolen from their homes, and then bid on, like they were fucking cattle.” I turned toward Gwen. “If they didn’t perform, he killed them. He killed them with no hesitation.”
My gaze dropped to the floor. “My team had been training for months, and we were ready. They were ready. But I wasn’t. I was too busy thinking about my fucked-up life, and my fucked-up marriage. I didn’t have a clear head when it was time to attack. We were on the move, and I was distracted, and the fucker knew it, and used it against me.”
“How?” Gwen whispered.
I took a deep breath. “He used someone that sounded exactly like Rebecca, and infiltrated her voice through the speakers hidden in the building. It confused me, and thwarted my attention.” I rubbed my eyes. “I thought it was her, I seriously thought he had her, but I also knew there was no way. It was impossible.” I finally sank down on the edge of the bed. “When we finally got to the room…”
I shut my eyes. I think about that room every fucking day, in vivid detail. Just like it was yesterday. I felt the bed dip as Gwen sat next to me. She placed her hand on mine. “You’re okay, Hawkins.”
“But I’m not okay!” I snapped and she jumped back. “I’m not okay, Gwen, I’ll never be okay, until my mission is complete.”
She stared at me confused as I got up. I made my decision before I came home, but now that decision changed. I knew what I had to do. My eyes met hers. “I have to finish my mission,” I whispered. “I want to finish my mission.”
Gwen looked at me as if she didn’t know what to say. Hell, I didn’t know what I was saying. But I knew what I had to say. “I’m going back over there.”
Gwen took a deep breath. “Okay. How long? When would you come back?”
This is where I had to stab her in the heart. “It’s a suicide mission. The most dangerous to date. I probably won’t make it back.”
She knitted her brow and shook her head. “No.”
“Gwen, people are counting on me, and…”
“No! Hawkins no!” She stood up, hands clenched. My girl was raging. I wanted to reach out and grab her, and pull her to me, and tell her everything was going to be okay, but I knew if I did that, then I wouldn’t let her go. But, I had to let her go.
The tears started to fall. “Then what the hell was all that?!” She pointed to the bed. “One last pity fuck before you go off and leave me.”
I took a step toward her, and she stepped back. I balled my hands into fists to prevent myself from touching her. “You just told me that nothing would change between us. You just said it, Hawkins.” I bowed my head. “Why? What was all this for? You made me like you, you made me move in with you.” She wiped a tear as she looked away. “You made me fall in love with you.” It came out as a whisper, but I heard it.
“Gwen. I don’t want to go away, and have you wait for me, only for me to never return. I couldn’t do that to you. I can’t hurt you that way.”
“So, you decided to do it now. Yeah, I get it, because no one ever thinks to put me first.”
“Gwen, that’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” she snapped. She slowly shook her head as she started getting dressed. I stood watching her, unable to move. My brain was telling me to fix this. Fix it. I could stop this any minute now. I could reverse it. But, I had to do this. I owed this to my men that died. I owed it to their families.
“I can’t stay here.” My head shot up. “So, I think it’s best that I leave as soon as possible to save us the trouble.”
“I don’t want you to leave, Gwen. You live here, you can stay here.”
She walked toward the door, with me on her heels. “How quickly you forget, Hawkins. I’m not yours anymore.” She wiped away one last tear, before walking out the door.
Thirty-One
Gwen
I didn’t have anywhere to go. My apartment sure, but it was practically empty, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to my parents’ house. I stared at the sidewalk for a bit as people walked around me. I’m sure I looked like a hobo. I sighed as I spotted a bar not too far away. What does one do when they’ve just broken up with their boyfriend? They fucking drink.
I was on my second double of whiskey. I hated whiskey. Hated the way it burned. But that was exactly what I needed. It was doing its job. I was about to take another drink, when my shot glass was taken out of my hand, and someone moved in beside me.
"Hey! That's mine."
Emmalin took the shot, and grimaced, before shuddering. I smiled. She stared at me, concern etched all over her face, before finally talking.
"Hawkins is outside. He asked me to come check on you. Why is he asking me that, Gwen?"
I shrugged, as my eyes began to water. "I don't want to see him."
"And you won't. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." Her face quickly softened. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"
I stared at the empty shot glass, that sat in front of her. I slowly nodded, and she tensed. "Where?" Her voice was low.
I finally looked up at her as my chin started trembling. "My heart."
She nodded as she put her arm around me, pulling me tight against her. She took out her phone and typed a quick message. My eyes grew wide. "What are you doing? I don't want to see him."
"You won't. I told him that if he's out there when we leave, it's me he needs to worry about." She stood up, reaching for my hand. "Let's go."
I pulled my hand back. "No, Emmalin. This is my problem, I'll figure out where I'm staying. You and Grayson are planning a wedding. You need this time together."
Her hands went to her hips. "In case you haven't noticed, I don't exactly have a family. My friends are my family. That whole saying about you can't pick your family. Well that's a lie. You are my family, Gwen. I pick you." She held her hand out again. "Now, let's go."
* * *
The ride to Emmalin and Grayson's apartment was quiet. She kept one hand on the steering wheel, and one hand laced with mine. I was trying hard not to let the tears flow. When we got to the apartment, we were greeted by the true owner of the place. Their cat, who came right up to me and purred. It's like she knew something was wrong.
Grayson came out into the living room. He was still in his suit, the tie loosened. "Everythi
ng okay?" He took one look at me, and he stopped in his tracks. His face hardened.
Emmalin shook her head slightly. "Gwen is going to stay with us for a bit."
Grayson nodded. "Of course. You always have a home here."
I smiled. They truly were more of a family than what I had. Emmalin walked me to one of the guest rooms, and I sat on the bed feeling sorry for myself. Emmalin left the room briefly before returning with a set of pajamas.
"These are new, and here's some fresh towels, as well as a toothbrush." She placed them on the tufted bench at the end of the bed, before sitting next to me. "What do you need? What can I do?"
I gave her a half smile. "You've done more than you know, Emmalin."
She smiled sadly at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Maybe tomorrow."
She nodded, as I sat back against the headboard. "Are you hungry? Did you eat?"
I thought back to our amazing dinner of spaghetti. We really didn't eat, more like we played in it. Had I known that would be the last time I would ever touch him, I never would've... I cut my thoughts off. I couldn't think about him.
"I ate a few hours ago. I'm okay."
"Something light then."
Before I could protest she was up and out the door. I sighed. That girl was always taking care of other people. I changed into the pajamas she set out, and got under the covers. I stared at my phone. I had turned it off when I left. Do I dare turn it on?
Emmalin came strolling in with a tray. I tried hiding my smile at the array of food before me. There was fruit, cereal, a sandwich, popcorn, and cookies, and half a taco. "I didn't know what to grab, so I grabbed everything." Emmalin looked down at the tray, like she was on the verge of tears, and she’d cry if I didn't take it. I know she's been stressed with dealing with the wedding planning, and with everything that's gone on with her in the past.
I took the tray gratefully. "Thank you." She climbed up on the bed and sat next to me.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I rested my head on her shoulder. "No. I just want to eat this popcorn, then go to bed."
She handed me the bowl, and grabbed the taco for herself.
Thirty-Two
Hawkins
I told Emmalin I wouldn't be outside when they left. That didn't mean I wasn't going to follow them to make sure they got home okay. Even though I knew Grayson had a security detail on Emmalin that she didn't know about, and they would no doubt make it home just fine.
I stood in the lobby of their apartment, trying to get the courage to go up. Right before I pressed the button my phone rang. It was Grayson. Shit. This didn't concern him.
"Mandrake?"
"My soon-to-be wife is upset. Only I have that power."
I ran my hand through my hair. "I know. It's complicated. Is Gwen up?"
I heard movement, and then a door closing. "No, she's asleep. Emmalin came to our room visibly upset, and I calmed her down the best way I knew how, so I guess I can't be too mad at you. Don't worry, I'll wake her in an hour to calm her again. That'll give you time to keep your balls intact, before she slices them off your body."
I sharply exhaled. "I fucked up, Grayson. But I..."
"I know. Stand down, Hawkins. Get some rest, and try again tomorrow."
I hung up. There wasn't going to be a tomorrow.
* * *
I grabbed my carry-on from the overhead compartment. I packed light, since I would be here for two days at the most. Seeing my family one last time was the least I could do. I wanted them to see me happy, and smiling. I wanted them to remember me this way. Not just a voice on the phone.
Now, here I am. In Pitney Forest, Colorado. Population just under fifteen thousand. I pulled the rental jeep into the driveway, and go out, and looked around. This place still looked the same. It even had its one traffic sign the town was wary of putting in. They said “if you bring in the traffic signs, then what’s next?” I shook my head at the memory. This town was filled with the older generation. Why my parents still lived here, I’ll never know. I was all too eager to leave.
I knocked on the door. I listened as a dog barked in the distance. The door finally opened, and I was greeted by my mother, who stood no taller than five feet. Her eyes widened upon seeing me.
“Oh, my heavens! Come here you.”
I leaned down, picking her up, and she giggled as she fanned me to set her down. “Mom, thought I would stop by for a visit.”
She started to pull me into the house, but glanced behind me, as if she was searching for something…or someone. She peered up at me. “It’s just you?”
My smile faltered, and I quickly recovered. “What, you don’t want to see your favorite son?”
She smacked me in the chest, as she led me towards the living room. “You’re my only son, and I just thought…well, I just thought you would’ve brought someone with you is all.”
My chest tightened. Gwen. I would’ve brought Gwen.
I put aside the pain I was feeling and smiled. "It's just me, Mom, sorry to disappoint."
She sighed behind me, as we made our way into the living room. "I just think you're lonely, and you're a fine man. There's no reason why you shouldn't have a girlfriend."
I knew what she was doing. She was prodding. I'd expected this, just like I expect I'll get it from my two sisters as well. Man, it was great being the only boy. I set my bag down. "Where's everyone? It's normally not this quiet, I at least expected Annora's rug rats to be here."
"They're in town, they should be back shortly. Are you hungry?"
"No, I'm good."
"Come with me, I'll make you something."
I smirked as I followed my mom into the kitchen. It didn't matter if you weren't hungry. You were about to be fed. If I said I wanted a light snack, she would've presented me with a steak dinner.
"You went out of town, recently, didn't you?"
I watched my mom set out a bowl, and started filling it high with her famous chicken and dumplings. "Yeah, to Napa for a wedding."
"Hmm, that sounds nice. Were there...any ladies that interested you at this wedding?"
Just one. "It was a lovely, small intimate wedding, and I’m not sure if there were any other ladies there, because I was only interested in the one I went with." Five days after Gwen left, Grayson and Emmalin finally got married. They had a beautiful wedding. Gwen made sure to avoid me like the plague. When I did get her alone, she always avoided any kind of talk whatsoever.
My mom paused, ladle in midair, eyebrows raised. "So, there is someone? Tell me all about her! Why didn't you bring her?"
I stirred my chicken and dumplings, preparing to take a big bite so I could avoid this conversation. "Her name's Gwen, and I did what I always do. I messed it up." I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant, like it was no big deal, when all I wanted to do was stab my own heart.
My mom's face fell, and she pursed her lips. She wanted to say something, but there was nothing she could say I didn't already know. Before she could, the sound of the front door followed by little feet came thundering in.
"Mom! Whose Jeep is that?" Annora stopped when she saw me, and I slowly stood up, taking my sister in that I haven't seen in close to a year, aside from Skype. Her eyes turned glassy, as she ran toward me, throwing her arms around my neck. "You come for a visit and don't tell anyone!"
I grinned setting her down. "Now, that wouldn't be a surprise, would it?"
She looked me over. "You haven't changed a bit." She ruffled my hair. "You need a haircut. You're lucky your second favorite sister Ambrosia is here."
"That's why I came here, for the free haircut." I chuckled, as Annora's two-year-old twin girls, Astrid and Harriet, came running as fast as two, two-year-olds could, into the kitchen.
I lifted them both up in my arms. "You two remember me, right? Your favorite uncle."
Annora smirked. "Their only uncle. You two know Uncle Hawky."
I rolled my eyes at the name. I hated that name. A
nnora called me that growing up, because she couldn't say Hawkins.
"Hawky!" Twin one said. I honestly don't know which is which. For the first three years of Ambrosia, and Annora's life, I refused to interact with them, because I couldn't tell who was who. And here we are doing it all over again.
"Haaaawwkkkkiiiinnnsss." I sounded out for them. Their response was to reach out and pull my hair.
"How long are you here for? Did you come by yourself?" Annora looked around at the one bowl sitting in front of me. I swear, it's like they were all going to make sure that I knew I was single. Hell, I'm still trying to figure that part out.
"I'm here by myself, and that's all we're going to talk about."
Annora stared me down, before shrugging. "Fine." She reached for twin one, and grabbed a package of Goldfish crackers. "Snack, and then nap, girls." She turned to me. "Follow me with Harriet, please."
I looked down at the baby I still held. "So, you're Harriet," I whispered to her. She giggled as if confirming that fact.
I watched the girls almost get the crackers into their mouths. I stared at them in wonderment. I never thought about having a family since everything with Rebecca. After she took the child I was willing to claim as my own away from me, I never thought about it. Would Gwen want kids? She would make an amazing mom. She's so caring and giving. I would love to see her belly rounded, carrying our baby.
The thought of coming home to my wife and kids, wasn't a bad thought at all. Then, I realized what I said. Wife. Fuck, I needed to get it together. Here, I was planning my future with someone who didn’t even want to be with me.
"You're staring at them hard enough."
My gaze shifted to Annora's. "I was just thinking."
"What's her name?"
"Gwen..." I stopped immediately after realizing what I said.
"So, there is someone?"
I rubbed my head. "Where's Ambrosia? I could use that haircut."
Annora tskd at me. "Fine, change the subject. We'll get it out of you."