Upstart Crow

by Ben Elton

  OTELLO: But soft, what fair lady is this? O my fair warrior! It gives me wonder great as my content to see you here before me. My soul’s joy.

  KATE: You had me at ‘O my’.

  WILL: (To Marlowe) Blimey! Do you think Otello fancies our Kate?

  KIT MARLOWE: It looks that way, cuz. I mean a chap’s gotta be pretty smitten to lapse into blank verse.

  ROBERT GREENE: (In the manner of an aside) Fate is kind. The old black ram be for tupping yonder white ewe as I have plotted. The trap is set.fn19

  OTELLO: If after every tempest come such calms, may the winds blow till they have awakened death.

  KATE: I cannot speak enough of this content. It stops me here. It is too much of joy.fn20

  Bottom draws Kate aside.

  BOTTOM: Calm down, Kate. You’ve only know the bloke for a minute and a half.

  KATE: But, Bottom, didn’t you hear him? He has wonderful tales of adventures, tempests and the anthropophagi. And men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders!

  BOTTOM: If I fell for anyone who span a decent yarn, I’d have to roger half the blokes in the pub! Now pull yourself together. (To the gathered company) Right, you lot! Tea’s on table, so get fell to and get stuck in.

  WILL: The phrase, Bottom, is, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served.’

  ’Tis some time later. The company are at dinner. Bottom stands ready to serve. Otello boasteth most mightily.

  OTELLO: First did I vanquish one, then another, until all around were vanquished.

  KIT MARLOWE: Well, there’s a surprise.

  KATE: Oh my goodness. So exciting.

  ROBERT GREENE: (Once more in the manner of an aside) ’Tis clear the girl doth love the Moor and he loves her. Now must I make the Moor believe the crow doth also love her. Then will he be wild with murderous jealousy. (Doth now enact his plan, approaching Otello with some wine) But, General, dry must be your throat after such prolonged boasting—storytelling. A little wine perhaps?

  Greene pours the wine but spills some on Kate’s dress.

  KATE: Oh!

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh! Heaven forfend, I am a dunceling clumbletrousers. Lady, I would fain lend you my kerchief, but do fear ’tis fully snotted. Sirrah, could you?

  OTELLO: Gladly. The first gift I give thee. Would it were all the world.

  KATE: It means the world to me, my lord.

  BOTTOM: Get a flippin’ chamber.

  Greene doth take Shakespeare aside for the furtherance of his plotting.

  ROBERT GREENE: Shakespeare, I am distraught. I just caused the great general to lose his embroidered bogey wipe. Promise me you will borrow said bogey wipe from the duchess and have another stitched in its likeness that I may gift that to the Moor?fn21

  WILL: What? Woah woah …

  ROBERT GREENE: And, further will I speak, you wouldst fain have your father admitted to the Company of Heralds?

  WILL: Yes, absolutely. I was hoping to bring that up.

  ROBERT GREENE: Then this advice will I give thee. If such a personage as General Otello were to plead your case to me, why then I could scarcely refuse such an entreaty.

  WILL: Really? But why would he plead my case? He doth not know me.

  ROBERT GREENE: Yes, but he does seem to be getting to know your friend the duchess rather intimately.

  Otello and Kate are indeed laughing together most coquettishly.

  ROBERT GREENE: Well now, General, it has been most pleasant, but I see that one more fascinating than I doth have your attention. I will take my leave. Mr Marlowe and Mr Shakespeare, perhaps you could bring the general to mine own humble home, that I might return this favour? (Once more taketh Will aside) The bogey wipe, Mr Shakespeare, forget not the bogey wipe. Good day.

  WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – DAY

  Mary and John sit before the fire. The twins do play. Susanna hath read Anne a letter.

  ANNE: He wants me to stitch him a nose wipe just like this one.

  SUSANNA: Yes, says it’s part of some plan to get Robert Greene to agree to making Granddad posh.

  ANNE: Oh dear. Two identical hankies, which will no doubt cause wrong conclusions to be drawn. Sounds just like the sort of convoluted bolingbrokes your dad would get involved with.fn22

  JOHN: You just stitch that snot rag and send it back, for I am to become a gentleman at last.

  MARY: It’ll take more than a coat of arms to turn you into a gentleman, John Shakespeare. You’ll have to stop eating pickled onions in bed for a start.

  ANNE: You’re a dirty, disgustable, grotsome old man!

  JOHN: People’ll be proud enough to know me when I’m posh!

  MARY: He puts those pickled onions under his arms to soften them up, you know. Imagine, being bothered in the marital bed by a man with pickled onions in his armpits.

  JOHN: You love it!

  MARY: I do not love it, John Shakespeare. Anne’s right, you are a dirty, disgustable, grotsome old man.

  JOHN: Yes, but a dirty, disgustable, grotsome old man who’s gonna get his own coat of arms! Which will make me a dirty, disgustable, grotsome old gentleman by law!

  John doth disport himself before the fire most contentedly.

  KATE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

  Kate alone in her chamber. Will poketh his head round the door.

  WILL: Just off to Mr Greene’s dinner party, Kate. I wanted to drop Otello’s hanky back.

  Will enters and returneth the original hanky.

  KATE: Oh, no problem, Mr Shakespeare. I’ve had quite a few pressies since then. A bead necklace, a hollowed-out gourd, a potpourri of scented leaves and berries contained within the dried scroting sack of a defeated foe.fn23 (Doth sniff the dried scroting sack with relish) Hotty’s so romantic.

  WILL: Hotty?

  KATE: Oh yes, ’tis my pet familiar for him. I fashioned it out of the first syllable of his name and the fact that I find him extremely and totally hot!

  WILL: Yes, I think I got that.

  KATE: He calls me Sweet Tits, which no doubt be a reference to adorable baby birds.

  WILL: Hm … yes, and tell me, Kate, have you yet confessed to Prince Otello that you are not in fact the Duchess of Northington but a naughty imposter?

  KATE: Oh, Mr Shakespeare, Hotty won’t mind that. He loves me, and amor vincit omnia.

  WILL: Er, yes, hang on, I know this.

  KATE: Virgil – love conquers all.

  WILL: Love conquers all? Could have sworn that was one of mine. Virgil? Are you sure?

  KATE: Quite sure. Nearly two thousand years ago.

  WILL: Right, so definitely out of copyright. (Noteth down quote in his Occasional Book) And tell me, Kate, how do you see this relationship developing? Do you imagine yourself as the future Mrs Otello?

  KATE: Oh, I don’t know, Mr Shakespeare. He’s admitted to me that he’s polygamous and so if we married I would in fact be one of seventeen Mrs Otellos.

  WILL: Goodness, Kate, could a proud Englishwoman ever accept such a demeaning situation?

  KATE: Well, you see, Mr Shakespeare, if, as a proud Englishwoman, I marry a proud Englishman, he immediately takes all my property and has the right to maketh me his slave and beat me without fear of law.

  WILL: As would the Moor.

  KATE: Yes, but with Otello, I would only get one-seventeenth of his attention. Whereas in England I would have to put up with some brutal bastable all on my own. For an Elizabethan woman, marriage is a percentage game.

  WILL: Right, yes. I see that.

  KATE: Plus, think of the adventure. To be with such a man as the Moor. A warrior who has sailed afar and seen the anthropophagi and men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders.

  WILL: Yes, well, I, I must admit that does sound like pretty exciting stuff. There was one other thing. I wanted to ask a favour. As you know, I’m hoping to petition the College of Heralds to grant the Shakespeares a coat of arms. Robert Greene has let slip that were so great a man as General Otello to plead my cause, Greene might be better disp
osed to consider it. So I was wondering …fn24

  KATE: Of course, Mr Shakespeare. I’ll have a word with Hotty and I’ll lay it on really thick. I’ll say you’re absolutely amazing and totally wonderful. Now, you have a lovely evening with Mr Greene. I’m going to bury myself in Sir Walter Raleigh’s book and dream of Hotty taking me in all those exotic places.

  WILL: To, Kate. You mean, taking you to all those exotic places.

  KATE: I kind of think I know what I mean.

  ROBERT GREENE’S HOUSE – NIGHT

  A magnificent banquet lies upon the table in the dining room. Greene is entertaining Marlowe and Prince Otello when Will arriveth.

  ROBERT GREENE: Ah, Mr Shakespeare. Welcome, welcome. (Aside to Will) Didst thou bring the bogey wipe?

  WILL: Aye, my wife did make the copy.

  Greene inspecteth the bogey wipe.

  ROBERT GREENE: Mm, a perfect replica. Mrs Shakespeare has talent, for a farm girl. (Steppeth apart to deliver an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear) And with her needle has she stitched her husband’s shroud. (Turneth back to the company) Now come! Let us quaff and gorge as befits four gentlemen. I’m sorry, as befits three gentlemen and Mr Shakespeare.

  WILL: Although I will be one when I get my coat of arms. (Speaketh to Greene in the manner of an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear) For soon, as you advised, one far greater than I will plead my case.

  ROBERT GREENE: (Turneth aside to deliver an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear) Oh joy, the noose tightens.

  KIT MARLOWE: Come on, Greene, this tuck won’t eat itself.

  ROBERT GREENE: Please.

  OTELLO: Such a feast, Mr Greene. Would I were like the men with six mouths whom first I saw upon the island of Bollockapus.

  KIT MARLOWE: Yeah.

  The company seat themselves to dine.

  OTELLO: For then would I have five more gaping gobs in which to stuff the tuck.

  ROBERT GREENE: Pepper, Mr Shakespeare?

  WILL: Goodness, yes, please. What a treat.

  Greene doth sprinkle much spice upon Will’s plate.

  WILL: Such spice would cost a fortune.

  ROBERT GREENE: Take as much as you please.

  Now doth Greene use the pepper spoon as if it were a shovel.

  OTELLO: Why, in the country of Crapatonia there be so much pepper that the natives converse only in sneezes. And their eyes do water so, the plains are often flooded with tears.fn25

  KIT MARLOWE: Crikey, Otello mate, you have seen some stuff and then some, but to settle a bet, what is an anthropophagi?

  OTELLO: Just a guy from Anthropop.

  KIT MARLOWE: It makes sense.

  Will sneezes several times.

  ROBERT GREENE: Mr Shakespeare, you do be sneezing like a citizen of Crapatonia. Here, use this. (He cunningly doth give the imitation bogey wipe to Shakespeare, who takes it and begins to blow. Then doth speak in the manner of an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear) The trap shuts.

  While Will is all of a sneezing, Greene doth turn to Otello.

  ROBERT GREENE: Tell me but this, General. Have you not sometimes seen a handkerchief spotted with strawberries in your love’s hand?

  OTELLO: I gave Kate such a one. ’Twas my first gift.

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh. Oh dear. I fear then she gave it to another, for see yonder Shakespeare doth wipe his beard with it.

  WILL: Achoo!

  Will is working the bogey wipe most revoltingly, a-snotting and a-grollying into it. Using it for one nostril, then the other, and wiping about most vigorously. General Otello doth snarl in fury.

  OTELLO: Oh, that the slave had forty thousand lives! One is too poor, too weak for my revenge.fn26

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh, beware, my lord, of jealousy. ’Tis the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.fn27

  OTELLO: Well, perhaps you’re right. Don’t want to jump to conclusions.

  ROBERT GREENE: No … But I mean, it does look really dodgy.

  Will doth positively drench the bogey wipe in snottage.

  OTELLO: Yes, yes!

  ROBERT GREENE: One more twist will do the deed. (To Otello) Perchance the knave be innocent. Question Kate and if she speaks soft words to you of Shakespeare, then will you know that he hath stolen her heart and so must you kill him.

  OTELLO: (Leapeth to his feet) Arise black vengeance from thy hollow cell! Ah blood! Blood! Blood!fn28 (Departeth in fury)

  KIT MARLOWE: Blimey. It’s a bit abrupt. And so angry. Fit to murder someone.

  WILL: And he’s been deep in conversation with Greene.

  Will stares at the bogey wipe and then at Greene’s wicked smile.

  WILL: Oh my God! I had thought to use the Moor against Greene, but he has served me likewise.fn29

  KIT MARLOWE: It’s like that new line you showed me, you know, the one where the fellow totally shafted his own person.

  WILL: You mean, hoist by his own petard?

  KIT MARLOWE: That’s the one!

  WILL: You’re right, Kit. Like the narcissistic contortionist, I’ve buggered myself.fn30

  WILL’S LONDON LODGINGS – NIGHT

  Otello in fury attempts to storm Kate’s chamber. Bottom holds him back.

  BOTTOM: You can’t go in there! It’s not proper!

  Kate enters, serene and pure. A perfect chaste virgin.

  OTELLO: Talk to me of Will Shakespeare!

  KATE: And bonsoir to you too, Hotty!fn31 (Turneth from Otello) It’s fine, Bottom. I’ve been wanting to have a word with Prince Otello anyway.

  OTELLO: Shakespeare, tell me now, what is he to you?

  KATE: Ah well, since you ask, I think he’s absolutely amazing and totally wonderful.fn32

  Otello strikes a dramatic pose.

  OTELLO: ’Tis the cause. ’Tis the cause, my soul. Let me not name it to you, you chaste stars. ’Tis the cause.

  KATE: But since you’re here, there was something I wanted to talk to you about.

  Otello takes up a pillow and advanceth upon Kate, who is pure, chaste, gorgeous and defenceless.

  OTELLO: Yet I’ll not shed her blood, nor scar that whiter skin of hers than snow and smooth as monumental alabaster.

  Otello seems about to suffocate Kate when Will and Marlowe burst into the room.

  WILL: General, stop! She didn’t give me your bogey wipe. Greene tricked me into making a copy. ’Twas that which I did snot and grolly! And if by any chance Kate’s been banging on about how absolutely amazing and totally wonderful I am, it’s because I asked her to, at Greene’s suggestion! Kate is pure! ’Tis Greene who plots against you!fn33

  OTELLO: Perdition catch my soul.

  KIT MARLOWE: Were you really about to smother her? Because if so – not cool!

  OTELLO: What? (Still holding the pillow) No, of course not! I’m just upset. I always hug a pillow when I’m upset. (Casteth the pillow asidefn34) But I’m upset no longer! Kate doth love me.

  The maid doth now politely assert herself.

  KATE: Hm, you see it was that that I wanted to talk to you about actually, Hotty. You see, I’ve been thinking about all those exciting stories you told me. The ones that won my heart. All that stuff about the anthropophagi and men whose heads do grow beneath their shoulders.

  OTELLO: My alarums and adventures.

  KATE: Mm. And it turns out it’s all taken pretty much verbatim from Sir Walter Raleigh’s new book.fn35 I don’t think you are an exotic prince, Hotty. In fact, you’re probably not from anywhere very interesting at all.

  KIT MARLOWE: Yes … where do you come from?

  OTELLO: Bristol.

  WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – NIGHT

  Will and his goodly wife do sit before the fire.

  WILL: Turned out Otello was born in England.fn36 He makes his living conning people that he’s an African prince. Thinking Kate a duchess, he’d hoped to steal her cash. I’m as far away from getting my Shakespeare coat of arms as ever.

 
ANNE: Amazing story, though. You should use it in a play.

  WILL: What? Dad trying to be posh? Hm, might work, I suppose.

  ANNE: No! No, the noble Moor, corrupted into false jealousy by an evil snake. And suffocating his true love in her bed. You could get that Hotty to star in it. He certainly convinced you in the role.

  WILL: And actually I took down a few of his lines. I … I mean, my lines. But a black actor in a leading role? I think that’s a few centuries off. A strong supporting character perhaps. An irascible chief of the watch or a wise old judge. Possibly the villain or the hero’s best mate, but the lead? Not gonna hold my breath.fn37

  EPISODE 2

  I KNOW THEE NOT, OLD MAN

  In this manuscript exists the genesis of Shakespeare’s most celebrated comic character, the immortal Falstaff. The general literary consensus is that Falstaff – unlike many of Shakespeare’s characters – is actually quite funny as long as he’s played by an actor who isn’t trying to be funny. Unfortunately, he usually is.

  MISS LUCY’S TAVERN – NIGHT

  Will and Marlowe are present, as are the players. Miss Lucy, the tavern keeper, is being held by armed guards as the odious Robert Greene harangues her.

  ROBERT GREENE: Heretic, papist! Your accounts list a hundred candles, Mistress Lucy, no doubt for use in a treasonous Catholic Mass.

  LUCY: I run a pub, Mr Greene. People like to see what they are drinking.fn1

  ROBERT GREENE: Hmm, very well, release her.

  Lucy is released and is not happy.

  ROBERT GREENE: But as an agent of Her Majesty, I cannot be too careful. The reformed church must be defended at all cost.

  LUCY: Personally, I was born into the Odinani faith. However, I’m thinking of converting to the Maasai religion, which is very beautiful and believes that in the beginning the sky and the earth were one, but the people had no cattle so God sent them many cows down a bark rope. Then the Dorobo tribe were jealous so they cut the rope, ha, and heaven and earth were separated for ever.

  ROBERT GREENE: An ignorant heathen myth. One day all the peoples of Africa will be brought to knowledge of the true faith.