Upstart Crow

by Ben Elton

  KIT MARLOWE: Knock knock! Anyone home?

  WILL: Kit! Oh my God!

  KIT MARLOWE: What? Aren’t you pleased to see me?

  WILL: Yes, why wouldn’t I be? What are you trying to say? It’s not like we’ve got a terrorist staying or anything.

  Greene doth also enter.

  ROBERT GREENE: Ah! Shakespeare!

  WILL: Ah!

  ROBERT GREENE: We are come to Warwickshire as promised, ever intent upon our noble purpose – hunting Jesuits.

  WILL: Well, there aren’t any here. A Jesuit? In our house? Giving Mass to my mum? As if.

  KIT MARLOWE: Anyway, Will, I thought you could put me up while I’m hunting the swine.

  WILL: You, you want to stay?

  KIT MARLOWE: Well, we get expenses but I’d rather keep them if that’s all right.

  ROBERT GREENE: Fear not, Mr Shakespeare. I will not be soliciting lodging in your humble cottage. I shall stay at Sir Thomas Livesey’s, who will also provide constables for when we arrest the terrorist – and all who harbour him. Good day.

  Greene departeth full of furious intent.

  KIT MARLOWE: Don’t mind me, Will. I know you’re here for some peace and quiet to write your new play, so just show me my room, send up some ale and pie, forget I’m even here.

  Marlowe sitteth on his pistol, which, much to Will’s alarm, he now doth take out and inspect. Marlowe putteth his feet up in contented comfort.

  WILL: Wife, those spare puffling pants, any time you’re ready.fn18

  DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT

  Will sits at his paper in the kitchen. Anne returneth.

  ANNE: Well, I’ve got Moll next door to take Sue, Kate and the twins, so that’s them safe, your mum’s in Sue’s room, and Marlowe’s lazing upstairs and we just need to find a way to keep him there.

  Marlowe descendeth the stair. He doth take Will aside for a conspiratorial aside of a ladsome nature.

  KIT MARLOWE: Will, I stopped by the tavern earlier and asked them to send me round a naughty country lass for some company this evening. I hope Mrs S won’t object.

  WILL: Object? She’ll be thrilled. Wife! Great news! Kit sent out for a prostitute.

  Marlowe be a little surprised that Anne be happy to have her house used so but is content to return to his room.

  WILL: Fortune favours us. With luck she’ll keep him in his room till we can get rid of Hunt.

  Now Hunt doth enter, hungry from his day of travels.

  HUNT: Supper, if you please, Shakespeare.

  WILL: Sir, an agent of the crown has lodged himself in this house. You must leave at once.

  HUNT: Never. The road is dangerous and the night is wild. I shall leave early on the morrow but fear not, till then will I keep to my room and be absolutely silent and discreet.

  WILL: Yes, yes, you must.

  HUNT: Apart of course from celebrating midnight Mass later.

  WILL: What?

  HUNT: Send supper to my room.

  Hunt ascendeth the stairs. There is a knock at the door. A woman stands without.

  GERTRUDE: I’m Gertrude, a very sinful woman, and I’m come under cover of darkness to visit a gentleman in this house.

  WILL: Good, excellent.

  Will invites the woman in.

  WILL: I must say the Stratter’s tarting slaps have smartened up. Um, Bottom, take this young lady up to Mr Marlowe.

  BOTTOM: No sooner said than done.

  WILL: Now, that is one of mine, isn’t it?

  BOTTOM: You can’t claim to be inventing the entire English language.

  WILL: Can’t I, Botsky? Watch this space.fn19 Now take Miss Gertrude to Mr Marlowe. Let’s hope she can keep Kit busy all night and the two of them make enough of a row to cover a midnight Mass.

  Hunt returneth.

  HUNT: Oh, by the way, Shakespeare, this e’en a certain member of the local gentry will be visiting to take communion.

  WILL: What?

  HUNT: The lady Gertrude is expected tonight.

  WILL: What!!!

  HUNT: Send her up when she arrives, I’ll hear her confession in my room.

  There is a knock and Gerty appears at the door.

  GERTY: I’m Gerty, a very sinful woman, and I’m come under cover of darkness to visit a gentleman in this house.

  HUNT: Ah, Lady Gertrude, I’ve been expecting you. Come to my chamber and we shall have a divine service.

  GERTY: Oh, that’s what I’m here for, kind sir.

  Will doth protest in horror.

  WILL: No!

  HUNT: You object, boy?

  WILL: Wrong Gertrude.

  To Hunt’s great surprise Will doth grab Gerty and usher her up the stairs.

  UPSTAIRS – NIGHT

  Marlowe disports himself upon the bed in Will and Anne’s chamber. Gertrude stands before him.

  GERTRUDE: First I would speak with you of my deepest and most shameful thoughts.

  KIT MARLOWE: Oh, loving that, yeah. Bit of dirty talk does it for me. Fire away.

  GERTRUDE: And if my sins be too great for forgiveness, then must I verily be flagellated.

  KIT MARLOWE: Not normally my scene, but I don’t mind experimenting a bit.

  GERTRUDE: And finally must I be brought to a state of ecstatic grace.

  KIT MARLOWE: You and me both. Right, let’s get to it.

  Marlowe be full ready to embrace Gertrude when Will bursteth in.

  WILL: Kit, you’ve got the wrong tarting slap. (Doth usher Gerty in) This one’s yours.

  KIT MARLOWE: Well then, who’s this?

  WILL: Um, mine, um, and Anne’s. We’re become swingletons. You know what goes on in boring country towns. We’re all at it. We park our hay carts in quiet cul-de-sacs and watch each other.fn20

  Will doth drag a surprised Gertrude from the room, leaving Marlowe with Gerty.

  DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT

  The evening progresses. In the kitchen, Will, Anne and Bottom listen. From above they hear creaking bedboards, but also Latin incantations.

  BOTTOM: Looks like you got away with it, master. Kept ’em both busy.

  WILL: Yes, but it was close. We nearly delivered a Catholic noblewoman to a government agent and a lowly tarting slap to a crazed, religious zealot.

  Gertrude doth descend the stairs.

  GERTRUDE: Well, I’ve turned some tricks in my time, but that ancient, doddering old arsemongle was the weirdest. He just wanted to serve me wafers and wine and talk Latin to me. Still, whatever turns them on. The price is still the same, a copper penny.

  Will be most surprised. Gertrude holds out her hand for money. Will, stunned, takes a penny from the box and gives it to her. Gertrude departeth.

  ANNE: Oh my goodly godlingtons. Gertrude was the tartling slap.

  WILL: Which means Gerty was the noblewoman and we sent her to Marlowe.

  Gerty descendeth the stairs, looking happy but most tousled.

  GERTY: Well, I must say, that was the most divine service I’ve ever had. I feel I’ve been to heaven and back. The eucharist has certainly changed since I last had it ministered. In the old days you kept your clothes on and the priest only put a biscuit in your mouth. Now, money.

  WILL: Money?

  GERTY: For the offertorium. A good Catholic never forgets alms for the poor. Here is a copper penny.

  Gerty drops a penny into the money box that Shakespeare is holding.

  GERTY: Believe me, it was worth it. Priests were never like that before the Reformation.

  Gerty departeth.fn21

  BOTTOM: Just goes to show you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. Still, all’s well that ends well.

  WILL: Now those two are definitely mine.

  BOTTOM: Stop it, master, really. It’s embarrassing.

  ANNE: And it hasn’t ended well, Will.

  WILL: I don’t know, wife. We got our penny back.

  ANNE: But we’re still harbouring a heretic who’ll be turning our kitchen table into an altar at midnight, and with Marlowe still
upstairs.

  WILL: We’ve gotta get Kit out of the house. But how? It’s impossible.

  BOTTOM: Just get your old man to take him down the pub.

  WILL: As I was about to suggest. Dad! Get your coat!

  JOHN: What’s that, son?

  WILL: Astonishingly, we need you. I mean, what were the odds?

  DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT

  ’Tis past midnight. In the kitchen Simon Hunt performs a Mass to Mary, whilst Will and Anne look nervously on.

  WILL: How long does this thing go on? It’s been three hours.

  ANNE: Oh, your dad can’t keep Marlowe drinking for ever. If he comes home and sees this, we’ll burn. You’ve got to act now.

  WILL: You’re right, wife, this is really it, time to man up. For there is special providence in the fall of a sparrow. If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be not now, yet it will come – the readiness is all.fn22

  ANNE: When I said do something, I did not mean recite a soliloquy.

  WILL: Right, yes. Fair point.

  HUNT: God bless this woman.

  MARY: I am a wicked sinner.

  Finally Will doth find his courage.

  WILL: No, Mum! He is the wicked sinner, er, and a disgrace to his God.

  Mary gaspeth in horror. Hunt turneth in full fury.

  HUNT: How dare you, boy! Show me some respect and call me sir!

  WILL: I will not call you sir, sir, because you are a disgusting sadist, sir, who used his position of power and authority to abuse defenceless schoolboys, sir.

  HUNT: Well, it didn’t do you any harm, did it?

  WILL: No, apart from the deep emotional and physical scars, I’m absolutely fine!fn23 Now get upstairs, keep quiet and at first light futtock off!

  All stand amazed that Will hath finally grown a pair of bolingbrokes.

  DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT

  Marlowe and John return from the tavern full pisslingtoned. They do stagger about the kitchen and ‘shh’ each other.

  KIT MARLOWE: Shh shh.

  JOHN: I love you, Kit. You’re my mate.

  KIT MARLOWE: Oh, I love you.

  JOHN: I wish you were my son, not Will. You’ve got bolingbrokes. He won’t even stand up to his old schoolteacher.

  KIT MARLOWE: Schoolteacher?

  JOHN: Simon Hunt.

  KIT MARLOWE: Oh.

  JOHN: Priests, I ’ate ’em.

  KIT MARLOWE: I have no idea what you are talking about.

  DOWNSTAIRS – MORNING

  Hunt standeth in the kitchen with his bag. Will doth urge him to the door.

  WILL: Go now and don’t come back. You’d have been caught last night if Walsingham’s agent hadn’t got himself drunk.

  Marlowe appears on the stair.

  KIT MARLOWE: Drunk, Will? It takes more than four or five gallons of sack to get this bad boy squiffy. I only stayed drinking with your boring, vain, nasty old dad because I guessed a sad-act town foul-stuff like him would have information, and he did.

  Marlowe points his pistol at Hunt.

  KIT MARLOWE: Simon Hunt, Jesuit, traitor, follower of the heretic Campion, I arrest you for treason.fn24

  WILL: But, Kit, he’s, he’s found in my house. You condemn not just Hunt but me. I shall surely burn for harbouring a traitor.

  Greene bursteth into the house, followed by guards.

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh, how sweet it is. To capture a heretic is one thing, but to snare the crow is a thing sublime. You’ll burn for certain, sirrah.

  KIT MARLOWE: Now hang on just one minute, Greene. Will? Burn? He’s a hero. ’Twas he that entrapped the traitorous Hunt, luring him here under the excuse of their days together at Stratford School and summoning me and keeping him close till I arrived.

  ROBERT GREENE: You mentioned none of this before.

  KIT MARLOWE: What? Trust deep intel to a Johnny-come-lately like you? You’ve only been a spy a week and the best you’ve done is harass Miss Lucy for serving cheese and biscuits.

  HUNT: Shakespeare boy, did you betray me?

  WILL: Well, er—

  ANNE: Yes, yes, he did betray you.

  HUNT: Then am I grateful.

  WILL: Grateful?

  HUNT: For now I can embrace the martyr’s death. As a Christian, I can think of nothing more glorious than to be tortured and killed by other Christians over minor details in the church service.

  ROBERT GREENE: Take him away!

  The guards take Hunt away. John doth descend the stairs.

  JOHN: What’s all this noise? Have I missed something? You’re not off, are you, Kit? I thought we could have another night out roistering.

  Marlowe’s attitude be no longer laddish and matey. His countenance be stern and noble.

  KIT

  MARLOWE: Roistering? With you? You bothered the barmaids, you never bought a round, you tried to filch some poor fella’s purse, and you told the same dreadful joke about a poultry farmer’s disappointing cock fifteen times.

  John be most downcast.

  KIT MARLOWE: Never, ever again.

  JOHN: I thought we were mates.

  KIT MARLOWE: I know thee not, old man. Fall to thy prayers. How ill white hairs become a fool and jester.fn25

  Marlowe retreateth, leaving John a saddened man.

  MARY: I told you, John. People find you out. At first they think you’re good company but in the end they realize you’re just a greedy, revolting old man.

  Will be struck by inspiration.

  WILL: Oh my goodly godlingtons. That’s it.

  ANNE: What’s it, duck?

  WILL: The comic character for my Henry. It’s Dad. It’s been Dad all along. The amusing yet ultimately pathetic figure who forms a counterpoint to Prince Hal’s heroic destiny. It’s you, Dad. It’s John Foul-stuff.fn26

  DOWNSTAIRS – NIGHT

  Anne and Will sit before the fire with their pipes.

  WILL: Well, I won’t write Henry the Fifth just yet, or Henry the Eighth for that matter. I’m not in the mood to celebrate religious zealotry just now, since it be but an excuse for intolerance and murder.

  ANNE: I know, it’s so weird, and for the same God too.

  WILL: Why can’t we be like the Muslims? They have their Shiites and their Sunnis as we have our Protestants and Catholics but unlike us they don’t seem to feel the need to start a holy war over it.fn27

  ANNE: You wait, someone will stir them up in the end. Anyway, the trip’s not been a total failure. You’ve come up with a brilliant new comic character and I think one of these days John Foul-stuff will be a very big hit.fn28

  John Shakespeare sitteth nearby upon the privy pot.

  JOHN: That’s right. I’m a bleeding inspiration and don’t you forget it.

  John Shakespeare doth grimace most gurningly, summoning up the effort to eject a stool.

  EPISODE 3

  I DID ADORE A TWINKLING STAR

  Scholars have discussed whether Shakespeare ever travelled abroad. There is no evidence that he did, and the fact that he makes two geographical errors in thirty-seven plays has been used as evidence that he didn’t. Which is, of course, just potty. How many people boarding the next EasyJet to Megashag know where they’re actually going, let alone anything about the world in general? Anyway, that aside, this episode establishes beyond doubt that he did travel at least to Italy and, like many travellers since, his bags were lost.

  WILL’S LONDON LODGINGS – DAY

  Kate darns and Bottom polishes. Marlowe practises fencing. Will enters, his face aglow with happiness.

  WILL: Bring ale, bring pie. Let all be merry for at last our theatre has acquired a patron.

  BOTTOM: What’s that mean then, master?

  WILL: Well, Bottom, it means that this is England and therefore no matter how creative, industrious or successful a workforce may be, they will still require a talentless, over-entitled, freeloading posh boy to give them social and legal status. Fortunately for us, the Lord Chamberlain doth love the dra
ma and so we have become his men.fn1

  KIT MARLOWE: Ah, a powerful friend indeed, Will.

  WILL: One who must be flattered and indulged. His secretary, the odious Robert Greene, who doth hate my gutlings, tells me his lordship demands a bloody and vengeful history. Luckily, I am very good at those.fn2

  KIT MARLOWE: Ah, well then, it’s top news all around, mate. Got a pretty nifty new gig myself. Walsingham is sending me to Verona on a spy mission. Yeah. Fine wine, fabulous food, top Italian totty.

  KATE: I presume you’ll also be expected to do a bit of actual work.

  KIT MARLOWE: No, not really. Job’s a doddling skive. Just got to contact some contessa who’s a Protestant and wants to spy for us. Seems she has a list of the Pope’s assassins she wants to give us. Only bother is I’m supposed to learn some Italian.

  KATE: (Demeanour most surly and grumpish) Goodness, having to make some small effort. How awful for you.

  KIT MARLOWE: Beshrew me, Will. Methinks me bolingbrokes be being busted.

  WILL: Forgive her, Kit. Kate doth ever chafe at the lack of opportunities afforded to women. Suffering as she does with the curious illusion that talent and brains in some way mitigate the absence of a cod-dangle.fn3 Learning Italian, you say?

  KIT MARLOWE: Hmm. Walsingham’s orders. Do you know, I think he’s worked out that I don’t take being a spy as seriously as he’d like.

  KATE: You can see how he got to be head of the intelligence service.

  KIT MARLOWE: I’m sorry, is there a problem?

  WILL: Yes, Kate. You are being a teeny bit of a pain in that which though it be sat on, be not a chair. Though it doth trumpet loud, be not a military fanfare. And though it be divided in two with a crack in the middle, be not a frozen lake on which stands a nervous skater who has overestimated the strength of the ice.

  BOTTOM: He means arsingmongle.

  KATE: Yes, Bottom. Got that. And, like most men, he seems to be talking out of it.

  KIT MARLOWE: What is your problem, Kate?

  KATE: You, for a start. You live only for pleasure. You gorge, you quaff, you treat women as playthings.