Upstart Crow

by Ben Elton

THE RED LION THEATRE – DAY

  Condell and Burbage rehearse in costume as Romeo and Juliet.

  CONDELL: ‘Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?’

  Will enters.

  WILL: Ah, Mr Burbage. Mr Condell. I see that you’re already in rehearsal.

  BURBAGE: Indeed, Mr Shakespeare, and I have good news. Kit Marlowe sends word that the Earl of Southampton, for who you have writ and dedicated many poems—

  WILL: Platonically, yes. I certainly never fancied him.

  BURBAGE: Will attend thy opening night, and if he approves of your play, will be our new patron.

  WILL: How can he not approve with you and Mr Condell in the title roles? For above all, Condell and Burbage must play the title roles.

  BURBAGE: Well, obviously.

  CONDELL: Obviously.

  WILL: Which is why I wonder that you be all bedecked as the minor juvenile love interest. Be you working at the blocking for the two unknown beginners who’ll play the kids?

  BURBAGE: Kids, Will? Romeo and Juliet be the title roles.

  WILL: What? Oh, I see, you’re working off that draft. Oh, that’s all changed.

  CONDELL: What’s changed?

  WILL: The title. It’s not called ‘Romeo and Juliet’ any more. It’s called ‘Prince Escalus and the Nurse’.

  BURBAGE: Prince Escalus, is he in it?

  WILL: Is he in it? Is he in it? He’s only the voice of stability and authority who restores the natural hierarchical order at the end of the play after the chaos caused by forbidden love.fn14

  BURBAGE: Oh. Oh. Well, I must say, that does sound rather important. And it is the title role.

  WILL: Oh, absolutely. For sure. Probably.

  CONDELL: The nurse does have some fine lines. The title role, you say?

  WILL: Totally. Good as. Now, we need to audition for the juveniles.

  BURBAGE: Well, I know who you’ll want for the girl. There’s a new lad, wowing them across the river at the Curtain. Augustine Snootyloin gave a superb Isabella in Tommy Kyd’s Spanish Tragedy.fn15

  CONDELL: Superb? I thought he was the tragedy. Too showy. No depth.

  WILL: We’ll see him, of course, but I think we need to keep an open mind. And of course, also, for Romeo.

  BURBAGE: There I must draw the line. He may no longer be the title role, but Romeo remains pivotal. We’ll need an established company member. A genuine draw-card.

  The actor Will Kempe doth enter.

  KEMPE: Oh, someone who’s big in Italy, maybe? Oh, who said that? I did. So, mmm.

  ROBERT GREENE’S OFFICE – DAY

  Robert Greene doth interview Augustine ‘Gussie’ Snootyloin, a preening young luvvie-kissie.

  ROBERT GREENE: The upstart crow flies ever higher. Lord Southampton himself will attend the curiously titled ‘Prince Escalus and the Nurse’, and ’tis whispered that if he approves, he will stand patron to the company. Mmm, with so powerful a protector, the crow will be beyond my clutches. I must sabotage the show. You are Augustine Snootyloin, currently the most fashionable young actor in London?

  GUSSIE: Whatever, the fame thing is such a joke. I’m a jobbing actor, a craftsman applying his trade. My body is my tool. Basically, I’m a tool.

  ROBERT GREENE: I think that much is clear.fn16

  GUSSIE: And can we please get over the fact that I’m posh and I went to Eton?

  ROBERT GREENE: Yes. Now ’tis said you are hotly tipped to be cast as the ingénue in Mr Shakespeare’s new romantic tragedy.

  GUSSIE: I’ve met the director. We’ve talked.

  ROBERT GREENE: You will make sure that you are cast, sirrah. And on opening night, if somebody sets fire to the theatre during the balcony scene, for a generous fee …

  GUSSIE: Shouldn’t be a problem. I’ll be on fire anyway.

  THE RED LION THEATRE – DAY

  The players and Will do conduct auditions. Gussie is onstage performing Juliet.

  GUSSIE: ‘What’s in a name? That which we call rose by any other name would smell as sweet.’

  BURBAGE: Thank you. Most impressive. He has exactly what it takes to be a star these days. There’s no doubting that.

  WILL: Are you mad? He’s just a weird-looking Eton boy with a rather pretentious name.

  BURBAGE: As I said, he has exactly what it takes to be a star these days.

  CONDELL: I disagree, Burbage. Like all these young boys, he has no substance, no depth.

  KEMPE: No pubic hair in his eyebrows.

  BURBAGE: I am decided. Gussie Snootyloin be our Juliet.

  WILL: Stay your hand, Burbage. There be one audition remaining.

  Kate doth come onstage all dressed as Juliet.

  CONDELL: Not as pretty as the other boy.

  WILL: Let’s at least listen to him.

  KATE: ‘Come, gentle night. Come, loving, black-browed night. Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night.’

  All are stunned by Kate’s virtuosity.

  BURBAGE: My heavens, ’twas brilliant. The young boy maketh a very window into the heart of a young woman, and through its prism to inspire the very essence of the female soul. How came he by such talent? What is the secret of his acting craft? He didn’t go to Eton. Hasn’t got a pretentious name. Doesn’t even look all that weird.

  CONDELL: She’s a girl, Burbage. I swear the lying, cheating little bitchington is a girl.

  Kate doth verily adopt the coarse voice and manners of the common roister knave.

  KATE: Oh yeah? I’ll show you who’s a girl, you pocksed-up old hugger-tugger. Cop a load of this bad boy when he’s at home.

  Kate doth lift her skirts. None but Will and the players can see what lies beneath but by their expressions ’tis certain something impressive. Kate doth turn to the wings where Bottom is holding a string of raw sausages. They wink at each other. Now all is clear. Kate has been wearing a false cod-dangle. The jealous Gussie has witnessed this exchange and discovered her secret.

  ROBERT GREENE’S OFFICE – DAY

  Gussie sits before Greene.

  ROBERT GREENE: So, you failed. I have no more use for you. Be gone from my sight.

  GUSSIE: I didn’t fail, Mr Greene. There was reason I didn’t get the role, and I think it’s worth as much to you as me sabotaging the production.

  ROBERT GREENE: Really? Well, if you have information that I can use against Mr Shakespeare, I will pay handsomely for it.

  GUSSIE: They’ve cast a real girl.

  ROBERT GREENE: How can you be sure?

  GUSSIE: Because I saw her sausage and it was a sausage.

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh, happy day. The crow is in my clutches. If they disport a girl upon the stage, all those involved will be arrested. Lord Southampton will flee in fear of association, and, without a patron, Burbage and the crow will be at the mercy of the Pure-titties.

  GUSSIE: Exactly. My monies please, Mr Greene.

  ROBERT GREENE: My dear Gussie. The thing about making a transaction is always to demand payment before delivering the goods. You, I’m afraid, gave your valuable information gratis. And now have naught to sell.

  GUSSIE: You’re giving me nothing?

  ROBERT GREENE: On the contrary. I’m giving you a valuable lesson. Good day.

  THE RED LION THEATRE – DAY

  The company doth rehearse the play with Kate as Juliet and Kempe as Romeo.

  BURBAGE: So, the Capulet ball. Tybalt has departed in disgust. Romeo, fearless in his enemy’s house, spies the exquisite Juliet across the room. Instantly is smitten. The gadsome youth has found true love. Their eyes meet. He approaches her. He takes her hand. The world stands still. He speaks.

  KEMPE: Congratulations. You’ve been pulled.

  WILL: The line, Kempe, is: ‘If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.’ />
  KEMPE: Yeah, and my line’s better.fn17

  BURBAGE: Kempe’s line was rather more succinct. Yours is a tad obscure.

  CONDELL: Oh, very obscure.

  KEMPE: Like, mad obscure.

  WILL: It’s not obscure at all. It’s as clear as fairy snot. Romeo sees Juliet’s hand as sacred, like a shrine. He says if she’s offended by his touch, she should imagine his lips are two visiting pilgrims and let him kiss it better.

  KEMPE: You’re joking. That’s what it means?

  BURBAGE: That’s amazing. I had no idea.

  CONDELL: Nor me.fn18

  WILL: Juliet coquettishly replies:

  KATE: ‘Good pilgrim. You do wrong your hand too much. For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch. And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.’

  BURBAGE: Oh, their hands kiss. Palm to palm. Oh, I like that. That’s sweet.

  WILL: And of course there’s also the highly amusing internal pun.

  BURBAGE: There’s a pun? Oh God.

  WILL: Obviously there’s a pun. People love my puns. They love how obscure they are. Palmer is archaic slang for pilgrim. So Romeo, having called himself a pilgrim, is now offering a palmers’ palm. So funny. It will stop the show.fn19

  KATE: Maybe you could afford to lose that one, Mr Shakespeare. Bit weak.

  WILL: It is not weak. It’s a bolted-on pant-wetter. And in my view, it will get even funnier as the meaning of the pun fades ever further into history. Now, proceed. Romeo asks – Kempe:

  KEMPE: ‘Have not saints lips?’

  WILL: And Juliet teases back:

  KATE: ‘Ay, pilgrim. Lips that they must use in prayer.’

  WILL: She’s flirting. Saying, naughty boy, you should use your lips for prayer, not kissing.

  BURBAGE: Yes, I think I got that one.

  WILL: Then Romeo says, ‘Oh then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.’

  BURBAGE: Now you’ve lost me again now.

  CONDELL: I must confess, I did start to glaze over.

  WILL: Oh, for God’s sake. Romeo is praying for a kiss, and if Juliet doesn’t grant it, he’ll lose his faith.

  KATE: So Juliet teases, ‘Saints do not move, thou grant for prayers’ sake.’

  WILL: A holy saint isn’t going to be giving out kisses, even to answer a prayer. Then naughty Romeo, who by this time be as hornsome as the newly discovered African rhinosaurus, which has, as you know, a very large horn, says, ‘Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.’

  KATE: Pucker up, babes.

  WILL: And Romeo kisses Juliet.

  Kate and Kempe kiss.

  KATE: Oh, now that is a cracking good scene.

  BURBAGE: Yes, it’s pretty good, Will, I must say. Congratulations.

  CONDELL: Now I understand it, I consider it destined to become one of the most celebrated lovey kissy moments in all English theatre.

  WILL: One of? One of? Oh, thanks very much, Condell. Talk about damning with faint praise.

  KEMPE: It’s a good start. Yeah. Two teens hook up at a party. Like it. But to make it brilliant, and edgy, they should get totally lathered. Go get tattoos. And Juliet passes out in the kitchen. Oh. Romeo cops off with her best mate. Aha. Then Juliet wakes up stuck with his name tattooed on her bum.fn20

  WILL: Mr Kempe, let us hope that the day never dawns in Albion when tales of young love will be reduced to mere celebrations of drunkenness and copulation.fn21

  KEMPE: Keep wishing, mate. History’s on my side.

  THE RED LION THEATRE – NIGHT

  The first night of Romeo and Juliet. Lord Southampton doth attend the crowd in the company of Marlowe.

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: I want a drink and some sweets, and make sure nobody with big hair sits in front of me.

  KIT MARLOWE: Of course, my lord.

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: Oh, and make sure you have an extra hanky or two because I’m a terrible old sobbling pup and bound to cry in the sad bits.

  Lurking in the shadows be Greene who doth speak in the manner of an aside, which by strict convention none can overhear.

  ROBERT GREENE: Oh, you will cry, my lord – when the crow is arrested and you disgraced for attending such a show with an actor with a tufting muffle where a cod-dangle should be.

  RED LION THEATRE BACKSTAGE – NIGHT

  All is a-hustle and a-bustle as the players prepare. Burbage doth spy the poster which full clearly declareth ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

  BURBAGE: You said the title had changed!

  WILL: A genuine oversight, Burbage. I really meant to tell the printer.

  BURBAGE: Well, it’s too late now. We’ll just have to go with ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

  Gussie doth appear all full of spite.

  GUSSIE: Just ‘Romeo’, I think, Mr Burbage. Because this little bitchington has no right to be an actor. He’s a girl!

  BURBAGE: Juliet, a girl? Ha! Impossible!

  Condell doth inspect the maid must sneeringly.

  CONDELL: Oh, she is a girl. She’s using real boobingtons instead of coconuts. Which is just cheating.

  BURBAGE: We’re ruined.

  WILL: Kate, I’m so sorry.

  KATE: Don’t worry, Mr Shakespeare. You tried and I love you for that.

  WILL: I tried because you deserved it. If anyone had a right to play a star-crossed lover, it was you. If only there was a way.

  THE RED LION THEATRE ONSTAGE – NIGHT

  The play be going brilliantly. Lord Southampton, who indeed is an old soppington, is in raptures.

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: Oh my God, he’s going to try to pull her. I love it!

  ROBERT GREENE: Stop the performance! A heinous offence is being committed. The disgusting personage playing Juliet is a girl!

  Juliet is revealed to be Gussie, who turns on Greene.

  GUSSIE: How dare you, sir? I shall sue.

  Clearly Greene’s accusation is false. He is disgraced.

  GUSSIE: Valuable lesson in life, ducky. Eton boys always win.fn22

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: Shame on you for interrupting this beautiful play with such foul slander. Guards, arrest him!

  ROBERT GREENE: My lord! My Lord Southampton!

  Greene be dragged from the theatre in disgrace.

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: Now, can we please get to the kissy bit?

  Romeo doth speak, and it is Kate.

  KATE: ‘If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.’fn23

  Kempe approaches Will backstage.

  KEMPE: Still can’t see how I locked myself in the privy.

  WILL: Yes, funny that. Lucky Kate knew the lines.

  BURBAGE: She is rather excellent.

  CONDELL: It’s a very good thing there’s a law against her.

  Romeo and Juliet kiss. The crowd be enraptured with delight.

  LORD SOUTHAMPTON: Oh! Beautiful!

  MISS LUCY’S TAVERN – NIGHT

  All are gathered for the aftershow.

  KIT MARLOWE: Well, you got yourself a new patron. Southampton absolutely loved it.

  WILL: Did he? Did he really? What, what was his favourite bit?

  KIT MARLOWE: Oh, without question it was that amazingly moving image of the captive bird on a silken thread.

  BOTTOM: Yeah, that was my—

  WILL: Some more ale please, Bottom.

  BOTTOM: You’re showing a very unpleasant side, if you don’t mind me saying, master.

  Bottom doth depart to get the ale.

  WILL: So, Kate, you didn’t get to play Juliet but you got the next best thing.

  KATE: The best thing, if I’m honest, Mr Shakespeare. Because, not surprisingly, Romeo, being the male protagonist, is informed by a complex set of personal and social issues, whereas Juliet, being the girl, is informed exclusively by her attitude to the male protagonist.fn24

  WILL: Ah, you spotted that, did you?

&
nbsp; KATE: And Romeo has seventy-four more lines.

  WILL’S STRATFORD HOME – NIGHT

  Will and Anne do sit before the fire with their pipes.

  WILL: I, for one, hope that one day lady-acting will be made legal.

  ANNE: Except that, if it ever were, I expect most of the girls’ parts would be hackneyed clichés, and like as not they’d be expected to show their boobingtons.fn25

  WILL: I fear you may be right. And also ’tis certain they’d earn less too.

  ANNE: For doing the same job as a man? Surely not. Well, that would be just ridiculous.

  WILL: Perhaps you’re right, my love. Only time will tell.

  GLOSSARY

  Arseington – slang for anus.

  Arsemongle – person who acts like an anus.

  Bastable – person of dubious parentage or someone who just isn’t very nice.

  Bolingbrokes – slang for testicles.

  Boobingtons – polite term for bosoms, from which is derived the modern ‘boobs’.

  Bumshank/le – both an anus and a person who acts like an anus.

  Cock-snobbled folderols – slang for entitled posh boys.

  Cod-dangle – slang for penis.

  Country bumshank/le or bumsnot – any person who lives outside London.

  Doodle – early English version of the modern ‘dude’.

  Dunceling clumbletrousers – clumsy person.

  Fartle-barfle – flatulence.

  Futtock/futtocking – archaic, profane.

  God-prodding Pure-titty – Puritan.

  Going all diddly doodah – previously unknown Elizabethan phrase meaning to fall in love.

  Hugger-tugger – slang for a person of homosexual orientation.

  Kissy love gerbil – term of affection with erotic overtones.

  Knackmungled – extremely tired, as in ‘my knackers are totally mungled’.

  Lickspittle nincombunion – a low fool.

  Pamperloin – person of wealth and power.

  Penny Pure-pants – chaste and virginal maid.

  Puffling pants – stupid, nappy-type underpants worn on the outside of tights.