Upstart Crow

by Ben Elton

  fn32 An astonishingly astute observation from Anne Shakespeare because on both counts this is in fact exactly what happened. What were the chances?

  Episode 3: The Apparel Oft Proclaims the Man

  fn1 This record remains so to this day. No writer since has written a series of different plays but given them the same name. The playwright Harold Pinter pulled off the opposite trick by writing basically the same play over and over again but changing the title.

  fn2 Clearly Romeo and Juliet had a lengthy gestation period.

  fn3 This is the first recorded instance of Cockney rhyming slang, pre-dating the next known occurrence by at least three hundred years.

  fn4 A succinct but telling summation of the English Reformation. One could only wish Shakespeare had employed such admirable brevity in his history plays.

  fn5 Here Shakespeare appears to have identified what modern scholars have come to call the Lennon and McCartney effect. Paul McCartney, being a polite, enthusiastic person who has lived a seemingly blameless personal life, has long been condemned as at best a bit naff and at worst a total wanker. John Lennon, on the other hand, who was mean to just about everybody and in his youth violent to women, is universally eulogized. The difference being McCartney clearly wants to be liked and Lennon appeared not to give a futtock. Marlowe and Shakespeare, friends, contemporaries and sometime collaborators, were the Lennon and McCartney of their time.

  fn6 If Shakespeare is indeed the author of the Crow Folios then this depiction of Robert Greene and critics in general is highly subjective. It is, of course, not the case that critics are embittered, jealous, vicious bastables but universally decent, fair-minded, generous, and absolutely and completely objective.

  fn7 This appears to be a very early version of Shakespeare’s most famous visual gag in which a Fairy Queen falls in love not with an actual donkey but with a man whose head has been transformed into that of a donkey. There is no evidence that Shakespeare had begun working on A Midsummer Night’s Dream at this point so it appears that Shakespeare dreamed up this visual gag in isolation. This is extremely surprising because it’s even less funny out of context.

  fn8 This is quoted in Othello, which Shakespeare would not write for some years. Scholars agree that, unlike the donkey gag, this one was worth Shakespeare hanging on to.

  fn9 The critical consensus is that Bottom is wrong; ‘talentless turd’ is not better than ‘green-eyed monster’.

  fn10 All artists who have received a bad review believe everyone in the world has seen it and is as obsessed with it as they are.

  fn11 Scholars can only marvel at Shakespeare’s remarkable prescience. Many of Shakespeare’s most popular sayings are actually misquotes, and are often the better for it. For instance, Shakespeare actually said, ‘All that glisters isn’t gold.’ ‘Glisters’, with an ‘s’. And he didn’t say ‘Lead on, Macduff’ but ‘Lay on, Macduff’, which is fine if you’re telling him to keep fighting (which is what Macbeth meant) but useless if you’re on a country walk and someone insists on hogging the map.

  fn12 It appears this outrageous imposition on parents who go away on business is timeless. The modern nightmare of searching the Crap Shop at the airport for a present before settling on a huge sack of chocolate has its archaic equivalence.

  fn13 The Elizabethan May Day stupid dance was the same as the modern May Day dance. They were just more honest then.

  fn14 This is pretty tame stuff when it comes to the casual vilification of Jews in this period (and indeed pretty much any period of European history).

  fn15 Shakespeare for all his genius has no answer, eventually taking recourse in the oldest and weakest excuse for those who thoughtlessly peddle prejudice for their own profit or advancement. ‘Just bantz’ is the modern equivalent.

  fn16 Here we find the first evidence that the private ‘soliloquy’, which had been presumed mere theatrical convention, was part of actual Elizabethan life.

  fn17 Interesting note re. Elizabethan sweets: the Honey’d Goat Ball was similar to the modern Ferrero Rocher except instead of hazelnuts they used goats’ nuts.

  fn18 Alongside his many other world literary achievements, it seems that Shakespeare invented the knob gag. This ‘one-eyed trouser monster’ is a comic epigram of real quality and it is sad that it never appeared in any of Shakespeare’s plays.

  fn19 The only ‘Faerie Queene’ in print at this time was Edmund Spenser’s epic poem which was not a play and therefore unlikely to have been presented by the Burbage Company. Condell was either referring to a private recital or his ‘Fairy Queen’ might be a euphemism for something else entirely.

  fn20 Although clearly Shakespeare rejected this idea, subsequent history has taught us that his father might have been on to something, the entertainment departments of modern television companies having broadcast similar scenarios.

  fn21 John Shakespeare was indeed the dodgiest geezer in south Warwickshire.

  fn22 Susanna is fortunate that her mother made this joke in the sixteenth century and not a hundred years later. If a passing Puritan had heard such a comment, Susanna would have been barbecued.

  fn23 In Robert Greene’s plan to make a fool of Shakespeare we see the seeds of Shakespeare’s shaming of Malvolio in Twelfth Night.

  fn24 Kate was used to hearing Shakespeare’s plots so found this relatively simple in comparison.

  fn25 The Jew of Malta has long been considered one of Marlowe’s greatest works, despite the fact it’s basically five solid acts of hysterical Jew-baiting. It is interesting to speculate how much Shakespeare’s reputation for progressive tolerance and enlightened humanism would have been damaged had Robert Greene not tricked him into wearing cross garters, thus putting him in Marlowe’s debt.

  fn26 England’s historical reputation for tolerance and civilized conduct has partly rested on the fact that we avoided the worst anti-Semitic excesses of the Middle Ages with no mass murders or pogroms. But the only reason for this is that the Jew-baiting bastard Edward the First threw them all out.

  fn27 Shakespeare was to use this line almost verbatim for his later big Jew play. The man was shameless.

  Episode 4: Love Is Not Love

  fn1 Here Greene quotes a passage from his own description of Shakespeare in his Groatsworth of Wit, a book that would have been completely forgotten had it not contained a short paragraph slagging off Shakespeare.

  fn2 It is undoubtedly true that Shakespeare’s personal life was pretty dull and blameless. Unlike almost all of his contemporary poets, he was not a violent, debauched pisshead. The mundane and parochial nature of Will’s character is one of the principal ‘proofs’ that idiot conspiracy theorists raise as reason to doubt that Shakespeare wrote his plays. Apparently, you’re not allowed to be a genius unless you’re also a complete futtock-up.

  fn3 Shakespeare was clearly wrong on this point. His sonnets are not the principal source of his eternal fame. In fact, a recent and exhaustive academic study discovered that, with the exception of the one sonnet read at weddings, nobody has read one in its entirety since the nineteenth century.

  fn4 This is indeed the last line of the final sonnet and clear proof that they get worse as they go along.

  fn5 The arts establishment deliberately favours the obscure and boring over the robust and popular because they think it makes them look clever. Hence Harold Pinter getting a Nobel Prize for literature. I mean, seriously.

  fn6 Shakespeare’s sonnets have created heated debate regarding the Bard’s sexuality. There are many poems eulogizing the beauty of a ‘fair youth’ which have led many commentators to presume that Shakespeare was either gay or liked it both ways. Other scholars have pointed out that such flowery compliments were fashionable at the time and that Shakespeare may have been writing to order on behalf of another. Modern literary critics tend to say, ‘Hey, what does it matter? We’re all on the spectrum anyway. Why does everything have to be so binary?’

  fn7 This, finally, is the solution to a 450-year my
stery. Emilia Lanier did exist and has been put forward as the source of Shakespeare’s passion by a number of critics. Another contender was Lucy the African tavern owner, who lived in London at the time and also features in the Crow Folios.

  fn8 This clearly is an early working of the famed ‘To be or not to be’ speech from Hamlet. This version focuses on an identifiable human foible rather than the vague waffle Shakespeare ended up giving Hamlet, and is far superior.

  fn9 Shakespeare famously had a forensically astute understanding of the workings of the human soul. But he didn’t know that if you don’t want your wife to find out you fancy other people, don’t write 156 poems about it.

  fn10 It is tantalizing to wonder whether the reason Shakespeare made the sonnets so complex was to disguise their autobiographical nature from his wife.

  fn11 For the lower orders it was also the cow’s privy.

  fn12 Shakespeare tended to be a bit coy when it came to describing sex. The raunchiest he got in his plays was describing shagging in Othello as making the beast with two backs, which is taken as an image for missionary-style sexual communion. This has led scholars to speculate that Anne never let him do it doggy-style.

  fn13 This offers another explanation for the extreme obscurity of the sonnets. Hugger-tuggery was a capital offence in Shakespeare’s day and he may have written such wilfully obscure verse in order to disguise his dangerous passion. Lesbianism was simply not acknowledged, although there has always been speculation that Elizabeth the famous Virgin Queen may have preferred making the beast with two tufting muffles.

  fn14 This appears to be a very early example of the phenomenon known as ‘mansplaining’. Was there nothing in language which Shakespeare didn’t do first?

  fn15 Scholars often argue that Shakespeare’s many crap rhymes are actually the result of changing pronunciation and that in his own time ‘prove’ did rhyme with ‘love’. Yeah, right. And Basingstoke rhymed with elephant.

  fn16 Emilia is reading Sonnet 130, often referred to by scholars as ‘the really, really weird one’.

  fn17 Dun Cow was a common name for a tavern in Shakespeare’s day, so scholars have speculated that the Bard may have been suggesting that the Dark Lady’s breasts were similarly popular.

  fn18 He really did write that. In a love poem. Amazing.

  fn19 Shakespeare’s explanation is the one scholars have offered over the years to explain a love poem which is actually a series of put-downs.

  fn20 Due to the extremely homoerotic nature of a great deal of Christopher Marlowe’s published work (much of which the Crow Folios suggest was written by Shakespeare anyway), scholars have long presumed that Marlowe was gay. This episode suggests he swung both ways.

  fn21 Shakespeare is clearly lying here, which shows that Shakespeare was no better at complimenting gay men than he was straight women.

  fn22 It seems Southampton was a lot better at interpreting Shakespeare than most readers, as this has been the scholarly interpretation for many years.

  fn23 Here is proof that the propensity of comedians to have their cake and eat it when dealing with socially sensitive issues pre-dates the modern age.

  fn24 Condell’s reaction also prefigures modern attitudes. If ever a comedian excuses an offensive line with a cop-out like ‘just saying’, they will certainly have offended the group who were the subject of the ‘gag’.

  fn25 The Crow Folios are the only historical evidence that Robert Greene held any official posts beyond that of debauched poet and embittered critic. However, since he was an Oxbridge man, it is perfectly possible that he was also Lord Chancellor and Archbishop of Canterbury.

  fn26 Further evidence that Shakespeare invented the knob gag. The depths of his originality really did know no bounds.

  fn27 This is true and the source of much merriment amongst schoolchildren who find the sonnets on their syllabus.

  fn28 Extensive research has revealed that almost nobody who reads a sonnet has the faintest idea what it’s about until they look it up on SparkNotes.

  fn29 Proper sonnets have fourteen lines. All of which conform to a strict set of rhythmic rules. This was considered VERY IMPORTANT and scholars have devoted much time to study of the form. Curiously, there is no parallel body of research into why anybody GAVE A FUTTOCK.

  fn30 Anne clearly speaks for England here.

  fn31 Anne was being remarkably prescient here. Sonnet 116, which begins ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments’ has indeed been read at millions of weddings over the centuries, even though by the fifth or sixth line most people are completely lost.

  Episode 5: What Bloody Man Is That?

  fn1 In Shakespeare’s day theatres were closed during times of plague. This was because it was wrongly believed that transmission of the Black Death was airborne.

  fn2 Sir Thomas Livesey was a well-known Warwickshire cock-snobbled folderol. Marlowe clearly chose to stay with him since the quaffing and gorging would have been far superior to that offered at the Shakespeares’ house.

  fn3 John Knox was an absolute arsehole and the precursor of similar modern-day arseholes who whine and cry victim when women seek equality and who call themselves things like ‘menimists’ and troll women on the internet.

  fn4 Shakespeare uses this phrase in his immortal tragedy Macbeth. The eerie chant is often misquoted as ‘Hubble bubble toil and trouble’ which is, in fact, much better.

  fn5 Clearly Shakespeare was to use this encounter from his own life as a plot structure for Macbeth, changing the ultimate prize from a nice house in Stratford-upon-Avon to the entire Kingdom of Scotland. It is interesting to note that had Shakespeare been writing in the modern era he might not have made the change, since there have been times when a nice house in Stratford-upon-Avon has been worth more than the entire Kingdom of Scotland. Although with Brexit, who knows?

  fn6 Susanna was right. Although highly popular at the time, historical research suggests that madrigals were crap.

  fn7 Modern feminist readings have supported Kate’s view that the hunting of witches was indeed a symptom of a patriarchy seeking to oppress women who refused to conform. Yet Shakespeare is suggesting that perhaps these women really were witches.

  fn8 Evidence, here, that the whole Scottish ‘victim’ thing massively pre-dates the founding of the SNP.

  fn9 Shakespeare’s plays are often considered prophetic in human insight. It seems that his conversation was likewise.

  fn10 Most dads avoid their job list in order to watch football or scratch their balls, but Shakespeare put off painting the woodwork in order to create the greatest body of literature in English history. But it’s still sort of the same.

  fn11 Years later Will would remember these words, spoken in a dream, almost verbatim, and simply replace the milk jug with a dagger in his dark Scottish masterpiece Macbeth.

  fn12 The correct grammar would, of course, be ‘hanged for murder’. Shakespeare deniers will seize upon this slip as proof of their insane conspiracy theories arguing that someone who says ‘hung’ instead of ‘hanged’ couldn’t possibly have written Hamlet.

  fn13 The inspiration, perhaps, for Shakespeare’s line ‘blood will have blood’, which is infinitely better.

  fn14 People continue to quote this statistic of historical mortality rates as if suggesting that on average a man was dead by the age of twenty-five. But it’s an average figure, which includes all the infant and childhood deaths. Once a person had survived into adolescence the odds were that they would survive at least until their forties.

  fn15 The Italian Commedia school of performance was indeed a precursor of the modern phenomenon of ‘theatre sports’. Evidence suggests it wasn’t any funnier four hundred years ago than it is now.

  fn16 It is interesting to note that Shakespeare’s comedy was the same conversationally as it was in writing, in that both require lengthy explanation.

  fn17 Fascinating evidence that the Scottish accent was seen as implying comforting fiscal steadin
ess even before the modern media age. It may be noted that the same air of chirpy sensibleness accounts for the disproportionate number of Scottish weather girls.

  fn18 This exchange is yet another series of almost direct quotes that were later to appear in Macbeth, making Macbeth arguably the first ‘reality play’.

  fn19 Punchinello with his huge nose and mischievous nature was eventually to enter British culture in the figure of Punch.

  fn20 Another well-known Commedia character. Also not funny.

  fn21 It is to be noted that this ‘lazzo’ is in fact a genuine improvisational scenario from the sixteenth-century Italian Commedia, which gives us some indication as to why the art form died out.

  fn22 Anne highlights that the whole ‘man born of woman’ plot twist was absolute illogical crapplington but, inexplicably, Shakespeare chose to use it unchanged in Macbeth.

  fn23 This seems to be extraordinary evidence that the Mars bar was invented three hundred years earlier than previously thought.

  fn24 As was the deep-fried version.

  fn25 Shakespeare later bought the Stratford property known as New Place, thus fulfilling the weird sisters’ prophecy. No mention of Duncan MacBuff is made in the surviving records of this transaction.

  fn26 If Shakespeare did write this play it is lost in the mists of time. Which is a great shame.

  Episode 6: The Quality of Mercy

  fn1 Here is very interesting evidence that the fashion for ‘cock rings’ pre-dates the 1980s London club scene.

  fn2 The Latin translates to: ‘Good day to you, Mr Marlowe’.

  fn3 The Latin translates to: ‘Good day to you, Mr Greene’.

  fn4 The Latin translates to: ‘And greetings also to you, Mr Shakespeare’.

  fn5 The Latin translates to: ‘Please give me the sum you wish to invest’.

  fn6 The Latin translates to: ‘Here’s my investment.’

  fn7 The Latin translates to: ‘Would you like to take up this marvellous investment opportunity?’