A tingle runs down my spine.
“I have faith in you men to keep food in our bellies,” Jillian says, paying more attention to her bread than she does Eric.
He comes out of the closet with a satisfied look on his face. “We’ll survive, but we could always use more. We’re saving the lizard pellets just in case we start to get lean.”
“Can we please think of another name for them? Lizard pellets sound so…” I shudder.
“Sorry babes,” Mia says. “But I think that name kind of stuck.
“Argh.”
“I know it gives you bad memories,” Eric says. “So if you think of another name, we’ll use it.” He leans against the counter and I see Mia trying to slip him another piece of bread while Jillian has her back turned. “We’re going hunting tomorrow. Are you coming up with us?” he asks.
I perk up. “Sure. My mom can handle things in the clinic. And maybe Anna can take my day in the garden.” Anna’s a thirty-year-old woman who came to the compound a couple of weeks before we did.
I’ve only gone up a couple of time. Wade has taught me how to make traps and Rocky is teaching me how to use the bow and arrows. My aim is good and my hands are steady. From a secure position, high in the trees, I can hit a deer with no problem at all.
Winston is a good hunter too. He goes for the smaller game, rabbits and squirrels. Getting him up and down the stairs is no hassle for us anymore. Jillian made him a real harness. We only take him up about once a week, but going on top is something that he loves.
Jillian turns just in time to see Eric stuffing another piece of bread in his mouth. “I swear you’re more trouble than you’re worth.” She snaps her towel at him, hitting him on the thigh with a “wap”. “Go on, get.”
“Ow!” Eric hollers out.
Winston enters the kitchen by ducking under the swinging doors.
“And you too,” she says to him. “We won’t have any food left if we keep giving handouts to the both of you.”
Winston puts his ears and head down and starts to back out. He whimpers, as if Jillian hurt his feelings, keeping his big puppy eyes on her.
Jillian rolls her eyes. “Oh, here,” she says, handing him a piece of venison. He swallows it in one gulp. “I swear you’re getting fatter every day. Pretty soon you’ll be too heavy for anyone to carry your hairy tail up the stairs. Now get. Those sad eyes will only get you one treat out of me.”
“Come on Winston,” Eric says, giving the dog a scratch behind the ear. “We’ll go where we’re wanted.”
I giggle uncontrollably as they leave.
“So, what’s going on with you and Wade?” Mia asks.
I shrug. “Nothing. Same-old, same-old. We’re just friends though. He isn’t pushing me for anything more.”
She looks up at me, raising a brow. “What about you and Jason?”
“Nothing there either.”
Nothing will ever be there.
I shake the thought from my head. I don’t want to think about that. Because…
I love him.
“Too bad.” Mia says, interrupting my internal monologue. “I thought things would have changed by now. Especially since this is pretty much our lives now.”
“What are you saying? You thought he would settle for me? I don’t need anyone to settle for me.”
“No, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I meant since he doesn’t have to fight how he feels about you anymore. I’m pretty sure it’s hard for him to keep trying to ignore seeing you for the woman you’ve turned out to be.”
I snort. “Yeah, right. That fork in the road has been closed. There’s a ‘Do Not Enter’ sign planted firmly in the ground. Our friendship has taken a different path and I’m fine with it.”
Mia rolls her eyes. “You can lie to anyone else, but you can’t lie to me. I really don’t see what the holdup is. You guys have been playing cat and mouse forever.”
Jillian stops what she’s doing and leans her back against the counter. “The first day I met Dave he told me he loved me.”
“Whoa, really? That’s rushing things,” I say.
Jillian chuckles. “It was love at first sight. It’s a rare thing, most people don’t get to experience that kind of love.”
“Were you in love with him too?” Mia asks.
Jillian nods. “I felt it too. But I had to play hard to get. I pretended that he didn’t exist for the entire summer.”
“That’s so cruel,” I say.
She shrugs playfully. “I made him work for my attention and, just when he was about to give up and start dating Annabel Green, I gave in and told him that I loved him too.”
“What happened then?” Mia asks, hanging on her every word.
I roll my eyes. “They got married, dope.”
Mia laughs, high and child-like. “Right, I know how this story ends.”
I rub my sweaty palms together. What they’re telling me to do is so out of my character. How can I go and open myself up to him and declare how I feel? I did that once and it did not turn out so good.
“It’s about time you had a conversation with Jason,” Mia says. “You both can’t tip-toe around the subject forever.”
I bite on my bottom lip, wondering what to do next.
Mia hits me with the towel, the same way Jillian had hit Eric a little earlier. “Get!”
I rub at the stinging spot on my thigh. “Ow, that really does hurt.”
“She didn’t do it right,” Jillian says. When she winds up her towel to give me a smack I back away, putting my hands out for protection. “I’m going, I’m going.”
I know where to find him. He’s most likely resting in his room before he’s set to get out scouting later. The entire way there my mind is a jumbled mess. I have no idea what I plan to say to him.
As I make my way to his room, I run into Jasmine, or more like she almost runs into me. She bolts past, without so much as a ‘sorry’ or ‘excuse me.’ I shake my head as her feet slam on the ground. She must be in some kind of hurry, but I can't imagine mopping would be that important.
I reach his room and knock on the door, praying that he’s alone. Otherwise it’ll be real awkward if MJ and Wade are there too.
“Come in.”
I take a minute to steady my breathing and to figure out exactly what I want to say.
“I know I told you that I was okay with how things played out between us. But I was wrong. I think we should give us a chance. Heck, it’s the end of the world. What’s the worst that could happen?”
I shake my head.
That sounds plain stupid.
“Jason. Will you be my boyfriend?”
Argh.
That sound even stupider.
“I said, come in.”
Right.
I take a deep breath and enter.
He’s sitting on his bed with his backpack next to him—a full backpack.
It’s packed.
He looks up to me as if he’s surprised to find me standing in his doorway. His eyes are red and swollen.
“Hey,” I say, looking around his room. He’s alone. “What’s going on?” I whisper.
Bells go off in my head. He’s leaving.
“I was just about to look for you.”
I pull my brows together. “I don’t understand. Why do you have your backpack out?”
He takes a deep breath and rubs his hands across his jeans. “Sinta, I have to go.”
My mind clouds over. “Where?”
“D.C.”
“But…why? I don’t understand,” I stammer out.
“If there’s something like this here, then I can’t stop thinking that maybe my dad was right. Maybe the government is still running underground somewhere.”
I feel as though someone has punched me so hard in the stomach, that all the air has left my body. “You’re leaving me?” There’s a tremor on my voice.
“We both knew from the beginning that I was going to go. I only stayed to make sure you al
l got home safely.”
I shake my head. “That’s not all. You said it wasn’t. You…and…I.”
“Sinta.”
And that’s when I know. I’m too late.
I back away from him.
“Sin, don’t look at me like that. My dad was right. This isn’t the time to think about hooking up with anyone. We’re at war and we’re losing. I have a duty to do. I have to go to D.C. This is bigger than you or I.”
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
I nod. “You’re right. You have to go to D.C. to see your family and to help your dad.”
I will not beg.
“I knew you would understand.”
How could he be so blind? Can’t he see how much he’s tearing me apart?
“When are you leaving?” I ask, trying to control the tone of my voice.
“Today.”
My breath catches in my throat. “When did you decide this?” Don’t you dare cry.
“I’ve thinking about it for a while, but I made up my mind a couple of days ago.”
I peer at him, trying to channel the hurt into useful anger. “And you didn’t think to tell me until now?”
“I didn’t know how I would tell you.”
He drops his hands and goes to his bag.
He’s leaving me.
“I’ll go with you,” I blurt out.
“Sin—”
I shake my head, walking toward him. The desperate girl syndrome is starting to crawl its way out against my wishes. “I have to go, you can’t go by yourself. What if something happens to you? Just give me time to get my things together and tell my mom. She’ll understand.”
“I’m not going alone, Jasmine is coming too.”
I want to die. Everything inside of me screams out in pain. My heart constricts and drops. I tighten the hold on my feelings. They feel as though they’re beating against the inside of my skin, trying to get out and yell, scream and cry. On the outside I know I appear like someone in control.
“I see.” I can feel a wall as thick as bricks building up around me.
“It’s not what you think. As I was leaving the room she came by, saw the bag and guessed I was leaving and asked to go. I wanted to tell you first. You deserve to be told first.” He picks up his bag and comes to me. “Sin, I…”
I back away from him. I don’t want to hear anything about how he feels about me, not since any of it will matter anymore. “Good luck…to the both of you.”
“Maybe…maybe we’ll see each other again.”
I want to laugh out loud. See each other again? The odds of him making it to D.C. are not in his favor. And making a return trip would be like laughing in fate’s face. No. We won’t ever see each other again.
“Sure, right,” I say making sure to keep my voice steady. I don’t say anything else, afraid that it will crack, showing the pain I’m feeling.
He leans in to kiss the side of my face, but I pull away with a growl. “I am not your sister. Stop trying to treat me like I am.”
He clears his throat and steps back, as if I hurt his feelings. Well, he’s done more to mine. “I have to make sure my family is okay. That’s something that I thought you of all people would understand.”
“Go, Jason.”
My heart can’t even beat right. Each beat is more painful than the last. I can’t breathe, it hurts too much. What I really want to do is leave the room—leave Jason and Jasmine.
My wall is slowly crumbling.
“Let’s go,” Jasmine says.
I hang my head and watch my feet. I don’t want to see him leave. If I did, I know I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from crying or doing something else stupid, like throwing myself at his feet, begging him to stay or begging him to take me with him.
Begging doesn’t work. I should know. I’ve seen my mom crying on the phone with my dad, begging him to see her. I’ve seen her drape herself over him, trying to get him to stay at our house a while longer. In the end, none of those antics had worked. He still left and all she had to show for it was broken heart.
I close my eyes as I listen to his footsteps pass me and continue out the door. Closing them can’t stop the tears from overflowing my eyes and burst through my lids.
I sniffle.
It hurts so badly.
Everything hurts.
A small cry escapes my lips.
How can mom live with this pain every day?
I rub my hand over my heart, trying to help lessen the pain I think will never go away. If this is love then I don’t want anything to do with it.
I want to die.
I want to curl up and wither away.
My head is so woozy that I want to throw up. My body feels out of whack, out of sync, off kilter.
I’ve let him go and I won’t ever see him again.
Guilt works its way into my head.
I should have said something other than goodbye.
I should have told him that I understood.
I should have…told him I loved him.
Then self-pity.
I should just stay here and melt into a pile of tears.
How can I ever face anyone again?
Jason left me. I wasn’t enough for him to stay.
I wrap my arms around myself. I feel so alone.
Then depression set in.
I’ll always be alone. The pain will never stop.
My heart is shredding into a million pieces. My stomach is a lump of clay. My hands and legs shake so bad I don’t think I can stand anymore or even move from this spot.
I shouldn’t have let him leave like that.
He thinks I hate him.
What if he doesn’t make it? What if he dies?
What was I thinking?
I hiccup on the thought.
Booted footsteps come rushing down the hall. Someone’s coming and here I am dying of heartbreak. I wipe the tears from my face. No one can see me like this. But no matter how much I wipe, they keep falling.
The steps come into the room and pause.
Wade.
I know he probably just found out Jason left and he’s coming to check on me. This is the last thing that I want him to see. I don’t need him feeling sorry for poor stupid Sinta or to tell me, “I told you so”.
“Go away,” I croak out.
“I couldn’t leave without doing this.”
Jason.
He pulls my hands away and lifts my head.
I look up to find that he looks just as distraught as I feel. “You left…”
He cradles my chin in his hand. His thumb caresses my cheekbone in slow strokes. His other arm snakes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, pressing me against his hard muscles.
I can’t help but stare into his eyes as he descends to me. My breath stops as his lips touch mine. His kiss isn’t soft like Wade’s had been. No, his kiss feels like something else entirely.
His lips crush over mine. They’re filled with such need and want. His tongue invades my mouth in a hungry frenzy. Teasing and probing, exploring and conquering. Our tongues dance and entangle, tasting each other. My chest burns and aches from the breaths that I strain to take. My mind clouds in haze, refusing to allow me to think.
His hand trails up my face to slide along my scalp, gripping my hair. My hands move to his sides, feeling the hard muscle underneath. The shirt does nothing to act as a barrier. I feel each hitch of his breath and each muscle that he clenches. A deep moan reverberates from his chest as I roam my hands across his body.
He steps closer and leans his body against mine, pressing against me, pinning me to the wall. My body is alive with fire…want…need. Small moans escape the back of my throat.
I want him. I want him so bad.
I don’t know which one of us pulls away first, nor do I care.
He plants his hands on the wall on either side of my head, trapping me in place. I feel his lips against my skin, laying butterfly kisses against my neck and over my shoulde
r, sending a quiver up my spine. I slip my fingers through his hair, running my fingernails across his scalp, bringing him closer to me. His breathing becomes heavier. I can’t help but to hiss in a breath and arch my back and let my head loll to the side. What he’s doing feels so good. One after the other, he places kisses across my collarbone.
“Jason,” I whisper, gripping his hair, holding him to me.
He sucks in a deep breath and stops, resting his forehead against my chest. He balls his hands into fists, scraping his nails against the wall as he does.
“I love you, Sinta Allen. I’ll be back for you. I promise.”
I keep my eyes closed. I don’t want to see him leave me. “I’ll be here.”
He uses the wall to push away. Immediately I feel the void of the broken contact. I feel so lonely and empty.
I wrap my arms around myself to ease the overwhelming feeling of loss. It doesn’t help. I don’t think anything will stop the way that I’m feeling right now.
As I listen to his steps walking away, I find myself sliding against the wall, falling to the floor, where I curl into a ball.
He’s gone.
But he’ll be back for me.
Cimmerian Moon
The Ashes That Remain
A.M. Griffin
Chapter One
February 11, 2013
There it is.
A spot of brown against a backdrop of white. If the trees had been covered with leaves or the bushes in full bloom, I would have never spotted it. The snow falls in large white puffs, covering everything in sight, including any footsteps. Which is the only reason we feel safe to come up today.
I take delicate steps around the tree, positioning myself for a kill shot while partially obscuring my body. I lift my crossbow with the same deliberate movement that I had made to move into this position. To steady my shot, I rest my shoulder against the tree.
My stomach almost grumbles at the thought of eating venison. We’ve had small game, rabbits and squirrels for the past three weeks. Deer have become somewhat of a luxury. Since there’s snow on the ground, hunting anything this big far from home is a no-no. How effectively could we cover blood streaks in the snow that would lead straight to our door? And carrying a deer is out of the question. So catching one that crosses though our backyard is the only thing we’ve been able to do.
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