This Isn't What It Looks Like-secret 4

by Pseudonymous Bosch

  *THIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS THE SCIENCE OF DENDROCHRONOLOGY. BUT OF COURSE YOU KNEW THAT ALREADY.

  *WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO CASS, I’VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE REASONING BEHIND THE EXPRESSION “ONLY IN YOUR HEAD.” AFTER ALL, SOMETHING CAN BE LOCATED IN YOUR HEAD AND NEVERTHELESS BE REAL. YOUR BRAIN, FOR INSTANCE, IS INSIDE YOUR HEAD. (UNLESS YOU’RE COMPLETELY BRAINLESS.)

  *BY TRICK, MYRTLE HERE DOES NOT MEAN A CARD TRICK OR MAGIC TRICK. SHE DOESN’T EVEN MEAN THE KIND OF TRICK YOU PLAY REGULARLY ON THE BULLIES AT SCHOOL. (AT LEAST I HOPE YOU DO.) RATHER, IN TRICK-TAKING CARD GAMES LIKE BRIDGE, SPADES, HEARTS, AND PINOCHLE, A TRICK REFERS TO A SINGLE ROUND OF CARDS.

  *IF YOU HAVE NOT READ “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE,” YOU CAN FIND IT IN MY SECOND BOOK, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, IT’S TOO LATE. ONE WORD OF CAUTION: AS MR. WALLACE, THE TERCES SOCIETY ARCHIVIST, POINTS OUT IN THE BOOK, “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE” WAS WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WITH LITERARY ASPIRATIONS. THAT IS TO SAY, HE MAY HAVE TAKEN LITERARY LICENSE, EMBELLISHING FACTS OR PERHAPS EVEN MAKING UP THINGS ALTOGETHER. YOU SHOULD READ IT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT—IN OTHER WORDS, AS YOU SHOULD ANY SHORT STORY OR NOVEL (EXCEPTING THIS ONE!).

  *THE DIFFERENCE, AS MAX-ERNEST WOULD HAVE TOLD HER, IS THAT A PALACE IS A LUXURY RESIDENCE, DESIGNED TO COMFORT ROYALTY AND TO IMPRESS VISITORS; A CASTLE IS A FORTIFIED STRUCTURE BUILT TO WITHSTAND ENEMY ATTACK.

  *OOPS. I BELIEVE I JUST LET SLIP THAT OUR HEROES’ SCHOOL WAS A MAGNET SCHOOL. OR RATHER, MRS. JOHNSON DID. OH WELL. TOO LATE. THAT PARTICULAR CAT IS OUT OF THE PROVERBIAL BAG….

  YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHAT A MAGNET SCHOOL IS. PERHAPS YOU ATTEND ONE YOURSELF? A MAGNET SCHOOL IS DESIGNED TO ATTRACT STUDENTS FROM ALL OVER A SCHOOL DISTRICT WHO MIGHT NOT OTHERWISE GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER; THIS IS WHAT IS KNOWN AS DIVERSITY. TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL, MOST MAGNET SCHOOLS SPECIALIZE IN A CERTAIN SUBJECT. BUT OUR HEROES’ SCHOOL WASN’T AN ART MAGNET OR A SCIENCE MAGNET OR A SPORTS MAGNET. IT WAS JUST A MAGNET—OR AS MAX-ERNEST CALLED IT, A MAGNET MAGNET. FOR YEARS, MRS. JOHNSON HAD BEEN TRYING TO COME UP WITH A MORE SPECIFIC MISSION FOR THE SCHOOL. AS THE PRINCIPAL WITH PRINCIPLES, HER FAVORITE IDEA WAS THAT THE SCHOOL BE A MANNERS MAGNET. BUT THE STUDENTS DISLIKED THIS IDEA SO MUCH THAT THEY REBELLED WITH A “MANNERS BOYCOTT.” YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT THAT WAS LIKE. IT QUICKLY BECAME KNOWN AS THE REVOLTING REVOLT BECAUSE OF ALL THE BURPING, NOSE PICKING, MOUTH-FULL-OF-FOOD OPENING, AND, I’M SORRY TO REPORT, FARTING. MRS. JOHNSON GAVE IN VERY QUICKLY.

  *I’M AFRAID I’M NOT SURE WHICH OF THESE DOG SOUNDS IS EXACTLY RIGHT. YOU WILL HAVE TO CHOOSE THE ONE YOU LIKE BEST. WHILE IT IS DIFFICULT TO RE-CREATE DIALOGUE THAT TOOK PLACE HUNDREDS OF YEARS AGO, IT IS PERHAPS MORE DIFFICULT TO RE-CREATE THE SPEECH OF ANIMALS… FROM ANY ERA. DID YOU KNOW THAT IN ALMOST EVERY LANGUAGE, A DOG’S BARK IS WRITTEN DIFFERENTLY? IN AFRIKAANS, FOR EXAMPLE, A BARK IS A BLAF; IN ESPERANTO, IT’S A VOJ; AND IN SWEDISH, IT’S A VOFF.

  **I CALL THESE DOGS BEAGLES BECAUSE OF EASE OF FAMILIARITY. IN POINT OF FACT, HOWEVER, THEY WERE TALBOT HOUNDS, A PREDECESSOR OF THE MODERN BEAGLE.

  *LORD PHARAOH, OF COURSE, WAS NEITHER LORD NOR PHARAOH BUT RATHER A SWISS DOCTOR WHO HAD RENAMED HIMSELF ONCE HE BECAME A MASTER ALCHEMIST. ABOUT LORD PHARAOH’S NAME, YOU MAY RECALL THAT MAX-ERNEST ONCE ASKED, “ISN’T THAT REDUNDANT? LIKE KING KING?” FUNNY, ISN’T IT?—GIVEN THE WAY MAX-ERNEST SEEMS TO REPEAT HIMSELF SO OFTEN.

  **IT’S WORTH NOTING THAT IN HIS OLD AGE, THE HOMUNCULUS HIMSELF CLAIMED TO HAVE DINED WITH THE KING’S HOGS (AS OPPOSED TO DOGS). I THINK THIS FAILURE OF MEMORY ON HIS PART CAN BEST BE ASCRIBED TO THE PHENOMENON KNOWN AS “BELIEVING YOUR OWN PRESS.” SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, HE MUST HAVE READ “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE” AND ACCEPTED THE LITERARY VERSION OF HIS LIFE AS THE TRUTH.

  *THE ONE TIME HE’D SPOKEN TO GLOB, MAX-ERNEST HAD MENTIONED THAT GLOB AND BLOG WERE ANAGRAMS. “THEY HAVE ALL THE SAME LETTERS. LIKE WHEN YOU TRY TO FIND WORDS IN SCRABBLE OR BOGGLE. ACTUALLY, COME TO THINK OF IT, BOTH WORDS ARE CONTAINED IN THE NAME BOGGLE. HOW ’BOUT THAT?” HE’D MEANT THE COMMENT TO BE COMPLIMENTARY, BUT GLOB HAD TAKEN OFFENSE. “SO WHAT! GLOB BLOG IS STILL MINE. I CAME UP WITH IT MYSELF. I’VE NEVER EVEN PLAYED THAT,” SAID GLOB, AS IF MAX-ERNEST HAD IMPLIED THAT GLOB HAD STOLEN THE NAME OF HIS BLOG FROM A GAME OF BOGGLE.

  *OFFICIALLY, THE NUTS TABLE WAS THE TABLE FOR KIDS WITH NUT ALLERGIES, AND FOR A LONG TIME MAX-ERNEST HAD WONDERED WHY IT WASN’T CALLED THE NO-NUTS TABLE. RECENTLY, MAX-ERNEST HAD FIGURED IT OUT: THE OTHER KIDS AT SCHOOL THOUGHT THAT THE KIDS AT THE NUTS TABLE WERE, YOU GUESSED IT, NUTS.

  *IN FRENCH, TÊTE-À-TÊTE MEANS HEAD-TO-HEAD, AS IN A HEAD-TO-HEAD (OR HEART-TO-HEART) CONVERSATION. IN ENGLISH, IT MEANS YOU LIKE TO PEPPER YOUR SPEECH WITH PRETENTIOUS FRENCH PHRASES.

  *AS A RULE, MAX-ERNEST DISLIKED FICTION. HE DIDN’T UNDERSTAND THE POINT OF READING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WASN’T TRUE. BUT HE MADE AN EXCEPTION FOR MYSTERIES, BECAUSE THEY WERE LIKE PUZZLES OR RIDDLES, ONLY LONGER. THE HARDY BOYS BOOKS HAD BEEN HIS FAVORITE MYSTERIES WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER. NOW HE PREFERRED EDGAR ALLAN POE AND SHERLOCK HOLMES.

  **IF YOU HAVEN’T HEARD OF SYNESTHESIA, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER CONSULTING THE FIRST BOOK IN THE SECRET SERIES. BUT I WARN YOU, IT WILL STILL MEAN CONFUSION—A CONFUSION OF THE SENSES, THAT IS.

  *I COULD TELL YOU WHAT INSOUCIANCE MEANS IF I CHOSE TO, BUT I CAN’T BE TROUBLED AT THE MOMENT—IT’S FAR TOO SUNNY A DAY. (HINT: THE OPPOSITE OF INSOUCIANT IS ANXIOUS AND STRESSED OUT.) AS FOR SAVOIR FAIRE, IT MEANS KNOW WHAT TO DO IN FRENCH. IN ENGLISH, IT MEANS THE SAME THING TÊTE-À-TÊTE DOES, I.E., THAT YOU HAVE A PREDILECTION FOR PRETENTIOUS FRENCH PHRASES.

  *WITHOUT GIVING TOO MUCH AWAY ABOUT HIS LOCATION, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MAX-ERNEST WAS NOWHERE CLOSE TO CHICAGO O’HARE AIRPORT, AND GETTING THERE ON HIS OWN WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR SOMEONE HIS AGE, TO SAY THE LEAST.

  *ALSO, IT’S JUST POSSIBLE THAT MAX-ERNEST’S FEELINGS WERE A BIT HURT. PIETRO, OF COURSE, LOVED PRANKS, BUT THE KICK ME SIGN SEEMED UNNECESSARILY MEAN. COULDN’T THE MAGICIAN HAVE LEFT THE MESSAGE IN SOME OTHER WAY? I THINK MAX-ERNEST MAY HAVE DELAYED DECODING THE MESSAGE AS A SILENT AND FRANKLY INEFFECTIVE MEANS OF RETALIATION.

  *I FEEL DUTY-BOUND TO POINT OUT HERE THAT WHILE A TRUE GOURMAND, THE HOMUNCULUS IS NOT IN FACT A CANNIBAL, AT LEAST NOT IN ALL SENSES OF THE WORD. IT IS TRUE THAT HE SOMETIMES EATS PEOPLE (ROASTED VILLAINS, MOSTLY), BUT SINCE HE IS NOT FULLY HUMAN HIMSELF, HE IS, ARGUABLY, NOT FULLY CANNIBALISTIC. IN ORDER TO BE A CANNIBAL, PROPERLY SPEAKING, HE WOULD HAVE TO EAT OTHER HOMUNCULI (WHETHER ROASTED, JELLIED, OR RAW). JUST AS A CANNIBAL SQUIRREL EATS SQUIRREL STEW, NOT HUMAN RAGOUT. UNFORTUNATELY, HE IS THE ONLY HOMUNCULUS IN EXISTENCE THAT I KNOW OF. ERGO, HE COULD NOT BECOME A CANNIBAL NO MATTER HOW HARD HE TRIED. NO, LET ME AMEND THAT: HE COULD EAT HIMSELF. AND KNOWING HIM, IN CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, HE WOULD.

  *THE PRIME DIRECTIVE, A FAVORITE CONVERSATION TOPIC AT THE NUTS TABLE, IS THE FIRST RULE GUIDING THE STARFLEET ON STAR TREK. IT HOLDS THAT A SPACE TRAVELER MUST NOT INTERFERE WITH THE NATURAL DEVELOPMENT OF A PLANET THAT HAS NOT YET GAINED THE CAPACITY FOR INTERSTELLAR SPACE TRAVEL. OF COURSE, THIS IS A RULE THAT GETS BROKEN AGAIN AND AGAIN.

  *A FINAL NOTE ON DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LEGEND AND REALITY:

  IF YOU HAVE NOT READ “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE,” YOU MAY SKIP THIS FOOTNOTE. IF YOU HAVE READ IT, YOU WILL NO DOUBT NOTICE SEVERAL DISCREPANCIES BETWEEN THAT STORY AND THE CHAPTER ABOVE. ASIDE FROM THE DOGS/HOGS CONFUSION, WHICH CASS HERSELF NOTED, THERE ARE TWO MAJOR DISCREPANCIES THAT I FEEL I SHOULD ADDRESS. THE FIRST CONCERNS THE NAMING OF THE HOMUNCULUS. IN “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE,” THE HOMUNCULUS ADMITS TO THE JESTER IN THEIR VERY FIRST CONVERSATION THAT LORD PHARAOH’S HOUSEKEEPER OCCASIONALLY CALLS HIM “HER LITTLE CABBAGE FACE,” AND THE JESTER SEIZES ON THAT AS THE HOMUNCULUS’S NAME. AS FAR AS I KNOW, NO SUCH EXCHANGE OCCURRED IN REALITY—AT LEAST NOT AT THE TIME DESCRIBED. THE OTHER DISCREPANCY CONCERNS THE SOUND PRISM, THE MAGICAL BALL OF SOUND THAT THE JESTER PLAYS LIKE AN INSTRUMENT IN “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE” AND THAT CASS, MAX-ERNEST, AND YO-YOJI USE YEARS LATER TO SUMMON THE HOMUNCULUS. WHY DOES THE JESTER NOT HAVE THE SOUND PRISM IN THE T
IME OF THIS BOOK, WE CANNOT HELP ASKING. I HAVE NO WAY OF KNOWING FOR CERTAIN, BUT I THINK THE EXPLANATION FOR BOTH DISCREPANCIES IS THE SAME. THOSE THINGS SIMPLY HAPPENED LATER. THAT IS TO SAY, THE HOMUNCULUS WAS NAMED LATER IN HIS LIFE, AND THE JESTER ACQUIRED THE SOUND PRISM LATER IN HIS. I BELIEVE THE AUTHOR OF “THE LEGEND OF CABBAGE FACE” MUST HAVE COLLAPSED TIME FOR HIS OWN LITERARY PURPOSES. MANY AUTHORS DO THIS. THAT IS WHY MEMOIRS IN PARTICULAR ARE NOTORIOUSLY UNRELIABLE.

  *PURLOINED, AS EVERY ASPIRING BOOK THIEF SHOULD KNOW, MEANS STOLEN. THERE IS A FAMOUS STORY BY EDGAR ALLAN POE CALLED “THE PURLOINED LETTER.” IN THE STORY, NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT WHERE THE PURLOINED LETTER HAS BEEN HIDDEN—UNTIL POE’S HERO, THE DETECTIVE DUPIN, REALIZES IT’S BEEN SITTING ON THE MANTELPIECE RIGHT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY’S NOSE.

  *EVEN TO GEOLOGISTS, A LODESTONE—ALSO KNOWN AS MAGNETITE—IS SOMEWHAT MYSTERIOUS. MOST NOW BELIEVE A LODESTONE GAINS ITS MAGNETIC FORCE WHEN IT IS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, BUT NOBODY KNOWS FOR CERTAIN.

  *THE BROTHERS WOULD BE PIETRO AND DR. L (THEN LUCIANO), OF COURSE. WHEN THEY WERE ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD, THEY USED THE SYMPHONY OF SMELLS TO COMMUNICATE IN SMELL-CODE AS PART OF THEIR CIRCUS ACT.

  *FRUMENTY, IN CASE THEY DON’T HAVE IT WHERE YOU COME FROM, IS MADE FROM BOILED WHEAT. SOMETIMES CONSIDERED ENGLAND’S OLDEST DISH, IT WAS A MAINSTAY OF MEDIEVAL COOKERY, TRADITIONALLY SERVED WITH VENISON OR PORPOISE. (YES, VENISON, AS IN DEER, AND PORPOISE, AS IN DOLPHIN!)

  *IF YOU’RE CURIOUS, THE PARIETAL LOBE IS THE PART OF YOUR BRAIN THAT INTEGRATES THE FIVE SENSES.

  *GLOB HAD GIVEN MAX-ERNEST HIS LAST SAMPLE OF THE VOLCANO GUM AFTER BENJAMIN DID A LITTLE JUDICIOUS GLOBBY MIND READING AND GENTLY THREATENED TO TELL THE WORLD WHAT HE FOUND OUT.OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE DEAL THEY STRUCK, I WON’T REVEAL GLOB’S SHAMEFUL SECRETS HERE. ALL I WILL SAY IS THAT WHILE INSIGNIFICANT, THEY WERE PLENTIFUL.

  *FOR THE CODE-CHALLENGED, A TRANSLATION OF THIS MESSAGE APPEARS IN THE APPENDIX ALONGSIDE YO-YOJI’S FIRST E-MAIL.

  *PLEASE DON’T ASK ME WHAT JE NE SAIS QUOI MEANS; I’LL JUST SAY IT MEANS I DON’T KNOW WHAT.

  *MEAD, WHICH YOU HAVE PERHAPS HEARD OF WITHOUT QUITE KNOWING WHAT IT WAS, IS A SORT OF WINE MADE FROM HONEY. ITS ORIGINS DATE BACK TO THE EARLIEST CIVILIZATIONS; IT WAS VERY POPULAR, FOR EXAMPLE, AMONG THE ANCIENT GREEKS. I WOULD NOT TRY IT IF I WERE YOU, HOWEVER. IN THE LEGEND OF BEOWULF, THE NORSEMEN WHO WERE ATTACKED BY THE MONSTER GRENDEL WERE FAMOUSLY DRUNK ON MEAD. APPARENTLY, THE MEAD GREATLY HINDERED THEM IN BATTLE—ALTHOUGH IT MAY HAVE DULLED THE PAIN A LITTLE.

  *LEST I BE ACCUSED OF ENCOURAGING BAD GRAMMAR, I FEEL I MUST POINT OUT THAT, STRICTLY SPEAKING, THOSE LAST TWO WORDS SHOULD NOT HAVE READ EVEN HIM BUT RATHER EVEN HE. AS IN EVEN HE, MAX-ERNEST, COULD BE A MIND READER. BUT EVEN HE SOUNDS TOO STILTED, TOO UNNATURAL. EVEN FOR A STILTED AND UNNATURAL PERSON SUCH AS ME (I MEAN I!)

  *CASS’S GRANDFATHERS ALWAYS INSISTED ON THE GRANDPA TITLE. IF CASS WAS THEIR SUBSTITUTE GRANDCHILD, THEN MAX-ERNEST, THEY SAID, WAS THEIR SUBSTITUTE SUBSTITUTE GRANDCHILD. OBVIOUSLY, THEY DEFINED FAMILY A BIT DIFFERENTLY THAN THE HOSPITAL DID.

  *WARREN HARDING WAS THE TWENTY-NINTH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES AND IS WIDELY REGARDED AS THE WORST. TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, THERE IS NO NAVY SHIP NAMED AFTER HIM. NONETHELESS, I THINK WE SHOULD GIVE GRANDPA LARRY’S STORY THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.PERHAPS, FOR EXAMPLE, THE WARREN HARDING WAS A NICKNAME FOR A DIFFERENTLY NAMED SHIP THAT HAPPENED TO HAVE PARTICULARLY BAD LUCK AT SEA.

  *THESE ITEMS HAVE BEEN SELECTED BASED UPON YOUR CHOICE OF THE BOOK THIS ISN’T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE BY PSEUDONYMOUS BOSCH. IF YOU FEEL THE ITEMS HAVE BEEN SELECTED IN ERROR, OR YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO HAVE YOUR PERSONAL TASTES PIGEONHOLED BY AN ANONYMOUS CORPORATE MACHINE, WELL, FRANKLY, THERE IS LITTLE YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

  *HE KNEW FROM THE ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY-SEVEN TIMES HE HAD CLIMBED THE STAIRS THAT THERE WERE TWENTY-FOUR, BUT HE ALMOST ALWAYS COUNTED NONETHELESS.

  *I HAPPEN TO KNOW THE OLDER MAX-ERNEST WASN’T RECOMMENDING ANY SUCH THING. IN FACT, HE WASN’T SPEAKING TO THE YOUNGER MAX-ERNEST AT ALL; HE WAS SPEAKING TO HIS CAT.

  **IF YOU AREN’T FAMILIAR WITH SOCK MONSTERS, THEY ARE EXACTLY WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE: MONSTERS MADE OF OLD SOCKS (AND ASSORTED SCRAPS). CASS HAD A HABIT OF MAKING THEM IN MOMENTS OF STRESS.

  *IN CASE YOU’RE WORRIED ABOUT IT, I HASTEN TO INFORM YOU THAT YO-YOJI’S GUITAR WAS A VERY LIGHTWEIGHT MODEL, UNLIKELY TO DO SERIOUS LASTING DAMAGE.

  *I REFER, OF COURSE, TO KING SOLOMON’S FAMOUS OFFER TO SPLIT IN HALF A BABY THAT WAS CLAIMED BY TWO SEPARATE WOMEN. HE ASSUMED THAT A REAL MOTHER WOULD RATHER GIVE UP HER BABY THAN SEE IT IN PIECES. OBVIOUSLY, HE’D NEVER MET MAX-ERNEST’S PARENTS.

  *NOTE: AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, ON MOST BLOGS, NEWER POSTS APPEAR BEFORE OLDER ONES, SO YOU THE SEE MOST RECENT POST FIRST. HERE, FOR YOUR READING CONVENIENCE, I HAVE REARRANGED GLOB’S POSTS SO THEY NOW APPEAR IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, OLDEST FIRST. I HAVE ALSO TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF CORRECTING A FEW TYPOS.

  *YO-YOJI WAS RIGHT. YOU CAN MAKE A CAMERA OBSCURA YOURSELF. AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS YOU WILL FIND INSTRUCTIONS FOR DOING SO IN THE BACK OF THIS BOOK.

  *WITH ALL DUE RESPECT TO THE SECRETARY, I BELIEVE THE PLURAL OF CAMERA OBSCURA SHOULD BE CAMERAE OBSCURAE. IN OTHER RESPECTS, HER ACCOUNT IS CORRECT. NOBODY IS SURE HOW MANY ARTISTS USED CAMERAE OBSCURAE, BUT LEONARDO DA VINCI WROTE ABOUT THEM IN HIS NOTEBOOKS, AND VERMEER IS WIDELY BELIEVED TO HAVE USED ONE.

  *APART FROM BEING AN EXPERT DECODER, MAX-ERNEST WAS A MUMBLER HIMSELF, AND HE’D ALWAYS BEEN VERY GOOD AT INTERPRETING THE SOUNDS BENJAMIN MADE—THAT IS, THE OLD BENJAMIN.

  *I’M SORRY TO SAY THAT THE SEER IS INCORRECT—ABOUT FLIES AT LEAST. STRICTLY SPEAKING, A FLY HAS ONLY TWO EYES. EACH FLY EYE HAS HUNDREDS OF FACETS AND THEREFORE CAN SEE IN HUNDREDS OF DIRECTIONS—ERGO, THE MYTH THAT A FLY HAS EIGHT HUNDRED EYES.

  *ON THE OFF-CHANCE THAT YOU HAVE NEVER COMPETED IN ANY MEDIEVAL TOURNAMENTS, I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT THE WORD QUINTAIN HERE REFERS TO THE TARGET AT WHICH THE KNIGHTS AIM THEIR LANCES.A HASTILUDE, MEANWHILE, IS ANY KIND OF MILITARY-STYLE GAME THAT WAS UNDERTAKEN IN THE MIDDLE AGES, BUT MOST ESPECIALLY A JOUST.

  *MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS DID, IN FACT, FAMOUSLY PLOT AGAINST HER COUSIN QUEEN ELIZABETH VIA SECRET, CODED MESSAGES HIDDEN IN WINE BARRELS. UNLUCKILY FOR MARY, ELIZABETH’S SECRETARY HAPPENED TO BE ENGLAND’S PREMIER SPY AND CODEMASTER. HE CRACKED THE PLOTTERS’ CODE, AND A DOUBLE AGENT MONITORED THEIR COMMUNICATIONS. IN THE END, MARY’S FATE WAS NOT SETTLED VIA A JOUST, HOWEVER. SHE WAS FOUND GUILTY OF CONSPIRING TO KILL THE QUEEN AND SHE WAS EXECUTED.

  *AS YOU MAY KNOW, DR. JOHN H. WATSON IS SHERLOCK HOLMES’S FRIEND AND OCCASIONAL PARTNER IN DETECTION, AS WELL AS THE NARRATOR OF THE SHERLOCK HOLMES STORIES. HE PLAYS THE ROLE KNOWN AS SECOND FIDDLE—A ROLE CASS WOULD NEVER WANT FOR HERSELF.

  *APPENDICES IS A PLURAL FORM OF APPENDIX. IN THE PAST, I’VE CHOSEN TO EMPLOY THE SINGULAR FORM AT THE END OF MY BOOKS, BUT EVERY TIME I SEE THE WORD I THINK OF THE INTERNAL ORGAN OF THE SAME NAME AND IMAGINE AN OPERATION TO REMOVE THE APPENDIX FROM THE BOOK IN QUESTION. APPENDICES SOUNDS LESS MEDICAL TO MY EAR. ALSO IT IS ARGUABLY MORE CORRECT BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE MORE THAN ONE SECTION IN THE APPENDIX/APPENDICES OF MY BOOKS, AND EACH SECTION IS A KIND OF APPENDIX OF ITS OWN—AND PROBABLY SHOULD BE REMOVED BY A DOCTOR.

  *YOU KNOW THE RULES: WHOEVER BLINKS FIRST LOSES.