All The Things We Were

by Kayla Tirrell

  Hiding from me.

  I sat in my car trying to formulate the words I wanted to say. I couldn't help but notice I didn’t get the same hero’s welcome I did a couple of days ago. No snarky text, no flirty wave from the window.

  When I finally made it to her door and knocked, Michelle answered almost immediately. She had her hair piled on top of her head, and her face looked different. It took me a few seconds to realize it was the first time I’d seen her without makeup. She was beautiful. Of course, she was. It didn't matter what she did or didn't do to get ready.

  She looked at the flowers, and back up to my face. “What are you doing here?”

  I lifted the bouquet. “I’m an idiot.” The corner of her mouth lifted in the smallest of smiles. “Can we talk?”

  “Rainier, I’m fine,” she said, looking directly into my eyes. “But I told you, I’m busy.”

  “With what?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Five minutes. Just give me five minutes to talk about what happened yesterday.”

  “Fine.” She grabbed the flowers out of my hand. I followed as she walked toward the kitchen and put them on the granite countertop. After she set them down, she turned around and crossed her arms. She didn’t say anything but watched me through that damn mask of indifference she sometimes wore.

  “I like you, Michelle. And I think you like me too.” I stopped to give her a chance to confirm my suspicions, but she remained silent. The confidence I’d gained through my conversation with my dad quickly left my body, but I pressed on. “You were just telling me how people change and I think you’re right. People can change. Unfortunately, the first time I was tested, I refused to listen. I believed two girls I barely know over you. It was stupid, and I’m sorry. I came here to give you a chance to say what you tried to say last night. I want to hear what I refused to listen to.”

  “And I told you, it’s really okay. Last night sucked, but I think it’s good it happened.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Rainier, you’re going off to school in a couple of weeks, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Think about it. What would either of us gain through a relationship right now? Yes, I like you, but I can’t go down that road either. I can’t open myself up only to watch you leave. It’s better this way.”

  “What about a long-distance relationship?”

  Michelle closed her eyes and shook her head back and forth. “No way. I’m not even sure I want a relationship right now. But if I do, I don’t want to be on the backburner. And really, you should want more than being an afterthought in another city.”

  “It wouldn’t have to be like that.”

  “Of course it would be like that. Come on, Rainier. I know this is all new to you, but surely even you can see how that’s a bad idea.” She leaned back against the counter.

  I took the opportunity to walk over next to her and lean against it too. I got as close as I could, without touching her. We stood in silence next to each other for several minutes, neither one of us looking at the other person.

  “I really saw this going differently,” I finally said.

  “Yeah, but it’s better this way.”

  “Maybe,” I answered, still not convinced. I leaned in and kissed Michelle’s cheek before walking out and getting into my car.

  I drove straight home, grabbed my guitar from Sarah, and played into the night.

  This time, the lyrics came easily.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Michelle

  I watched as Rainier got into his car and drove away.

  Of course, he was going to school in a couple of weeks. It was ridiculous to think otherwise. We hadn’t even had our first official date. But some part of me had hoped I could be someone’s priority. Just this once.

  I didn’t actually hate the idea of love. I was terrified of it. I wanted the big shows of affections, the declarations of unwavering devotion. I’d never had that, and with every failed relationship, I wondered if I was being unrealistic in expecting it to happen one day.

  After the station wagon was out of view, I went back into the kitchen to the flowers Rainier had brought. They were beautiful. It wasn't a professional arrangement that cost an arm and a leg. These were hand-picked, every stem a promise. When I lifted the bouquet to my nose to smell them, I was surprised by how sweet the scent was.

  Fresh tears threatened to come to the surface, so I threw the flowers away in the kitchen trash, vase and all. It wouldn’t do me any good to sit and dwell on my almost relationship with Rainier. I was just fine before he showed up in my life, and I’d be just fine now that he was gone.

  With only one shift left at Between The Pages, I might never have to see him again. And even if I had to work with Rainier, I would do what I always did. I would rise above it and make it through.

  I debated on whether or not I was going to go back to my very lively schedule of watching television but decided to text Avery instead.

  Me: Lady date?

  Aves: Sure. What time?

  Me: Now?

  Aves: Okay, but I need to be done by 7. I’m going to Carter’s band practice.

  Ugh. I didn’t even want to think about Rainier and the Go-Aways right now. Breaking up with him, if you could call it that, was hard enough. With any luck, I’d never have to think about him again.

  Me: Wanna come over?

  Aves: Be there in 5.

  True to her word, Avery was walking through my front door five minutes later with a big smile on her face. I’d been sitting on the couch staring off into space since her text.

  “What are you so happy about?” I asked, still grumpy from my morning.

  She stopped in her tracks. “Wait. Why aren’t you happy? Carter said you and Rainier had a date last night, which by the way, I should have known that before he did. I figured we were going to have a girly afternoon talking about our boys."

  "Yeah, well, it didn't go so well."

  "What happened?” She sat down on the couch next to me.

  “The two of us are so different, and Rainier’s leaving for school soon. I’m not going to go down that road.”

  “I don’t think you should.”

  I looked up at her. “You don’t?”

  “No, Michelle. For whatever reason, relationships make you skittish. I don’t think you need to have something like that drag out. Yes, I want to see you find that person who makes you happy, but that doesn’t mean I want to see you settle.”

  “I thought you’d be upset. Somehow you saw the connection there before either of us realized what it was.”

  “Oh, don’t get me wrong. I still think you two would be perfect together, but not like that.”

  Thankful we were on the same page, I changed the subject as quickly as possible. “So, enough about Rainier and me. I just wanted the company. How are things between you and Carter?”

  She raised her brows at me.

  “For some reason, your romantic exploits won’t bother me today.”

  “In that case,” Avery started, sitting up in her seat and rubbing her hands together. “I’m going to take advantage of lost time. Things are great. I know you think we’re moving fast, but I think sometimes you just know. He’s been talking a lot about the future, and I’m excited. He wants to see where the band goes but has decided to keep going to school in case it doesn’t work out. They’ve been asked to play at The Imperial again, and since the gig pays pretty well, he’s been able to start putting a little extra cash away.”

  “They’re playing there again?” I wanted to know more. I didn’t want to know more.

  “Yeah, I guess Chasing Sunsets liked their sound and asked the owner if they could open up for them on a regular basis. You should see Matt. He’s a man possessed. He’s been going on and on about how they need to find more venues to keep the ball rolling. He thinks they can make it big.”

  “What about you and Carter, do you think the Go-Aways will
make it big?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. It’s fun to pretend. I keep telling Carter my ring better be the size of the moon if he becomes a famous rock star.”

  “He doesn’t mind you talking like that?” I asked, remembering how many guys hated any talk of commitment.

  “Nope. I told you, he’s a breath of fresh air. He wants a future and isn’t embarrassed to say so.”

  I was happy for my friend. I was, but it was still hard to see how perfect they were for each other considering my hopes for a future with a particular rock star were ruined.

  “What about Jenny?” I asked for some reason. I couldn’t tell if I wanted to bring her up because I was feeling catty or because I wanted to pour salt into the wound.

  “What about her?”

  “How is she doing in practice?”

  Avery looked at me through narrowed eyes as I attempted to keep my features blank.

  “She’s good. I wasn’t sure how I felt about a girl in the band at first, especially someone who already liked another member. I worried she might be an overzealous groupie or something. It turns out my worrying was in vain. Jenny is great. She’s professional in practice, really knows her instrument and came up with all her parts without much guidance from the other guys. Plus, I think she adds something special to the overall sound.”

  She was ranting like such a music nerd, but I knew she was probably right. Avery had spent enough time at their practices to know what she was talking about.

  “That’s great, Avery. I’m happy for you.”

  “Thanks, Michelle. I know this had been a weird summer for you. Working for your dad, and whatever that was with Rainier, but it means so much to have you say you’re happy for me and know you mean it. You’re my best friend.”

  “I know.”

  “And humble.”

  “I am the best at being humble.”

  She giggled and pushed me, which soon had me laughing. It felt good. Avery and I had been on the road to recovery for our friendship. I could already see us getting back to how we used to be.

  When our laughter quieted, Avery spoke again. “I hate to ask, but will you consider coming to the show next week? I hate going by myself, and this is a big one. Carter hasn’t told the other guys, because it might not work out and he doesn’t want to get their hopes up. But there might be a scout in the audience this week. Technically, he’ll be there for Chasing Sunsets, but it couldn’t hurt to have someone in the industry listening to their band.”

  “Whoa. This news is what you open with, Aves. That could be huge for the band."

  “I know, but there are so many variables, we’re trying not to get excited about it, you know?”

  “I understand. And as much as I’d rather not bump into Rainier, I want to support you, so I’ll come.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, really. Seriously, where did I get such a horrible reputation?”

  Avery gave me a skeptical look that had us both laughing again.

  “Oh!” I said, thinking of how big next Thursday could be for the band. “If you’re going to be a rock star’s girlfriend, we need to have you dressing the part.”

  “What did you have in mind?”

  “Let’s take a trip into Boise and shop until we can’t walk anymore.”

  "That sounds like fun. When?"

  "Now? It would be a welcome distraction."

  Avery agreed without a fight, and soon we were driving into the capital with the top down on my convertible and the music blaring over the speakers. We sang dramatically to every song and got quite a few stares and honks as we made our way down the interstate.

  Once there, we spent the next several hours walking in and out of stores in the mall, as well as some boutiques that were nearby. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone shopping for fun. The time we spent together was special to me. It was funny how small events like this made me feel like I was myself again.

  It was weird to think I hadn’t been for so long.

  It was easy to pour all my energy into finding the perfect outfit. I watched as Avery tried dress after dress on. I insisted she wear leather, but she didn’t want to go so extreme. We finally agreed on a red dress that fit her body like a glove. Carter wasn’t going to know what hit him when he saw her wearing it.

  “Okay, now it’s your turn,” Avery said as we left our final store, bags in hand.

  “Oh, no. I don’t need to stand out. In fact, I think I’m going to find the frumpiest shirt and jean combination I have in my closet, just to make sure I don’t stand out.”

  “I hate to break it to you, Michelle. But I don’t think you could blend into the background, even if you tried.”

  “Maybe not, but didn’t you say you were going to the band’s practice tonight?”

  Avery pulled out her phone and cursed aloud. “I didn’t realize it was so late. Can you drop me off at Matt’s house on the way home? I’m sure Carter can bring me home.”

  “Sure.”

  I drove Avery to Matt’s, and while I still enjoyed her company, the trip back was much more subdued. It could have been from a long day walking around shopping, but I had a feeling it had more to do with the fact that Matt lived near Rainier. I had never been to his house before but remembered Rainier saying something about that when we were talking at work a while back.

  Avery gave me turn by turn directions until we pulled onto a quiet street. The house on the end had several cars parked in front of it, and I figured it was my destination before Avery pointed to it. I parked as we said our goodbyes and watched as she walked into the house without knocking.

  As I got ready to drive off, I spotted Rainier’s house. Seeing it caused an emptiness in my chest I wasn’t expecting. I knew it was his, not because it was directly next door to Matt’s, not even because I saw his station wagon in the driveway. No, I knew it was Rainier’s house because from where I was parked in the street, I had a direct view of the flower beds that surrounded the house. And right there, next to some flowering bushes I didn’t know the name of, were purple flowers just like the ones Rainier had brought to me earlier that day.

  I took a deep breath and allowed myself to look at the beautiful blooms in Rainier’s yard for one more minute before driving home.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Rainier

  The first thing I noticed when Avery walked in on our practice was that she was later than usual. She was usually here at the same time as Carter. A quick glance at the clock on the wall of Matt’s garage showed Avery had walked in an hour after practice started. She was coming in as we were taking a brief mid-point break.

  The second thing I noticed about Avery after she came in was the look on her face, more specifically the scowl that she directed toward me. As Michelle’s best friend, I could assume her tardiness and scowl were a direct result of talking with Michelle that afternoon.

  We were standing on opposite sides of the garage, and while I knew the frames on my glasses were thick, I still rose my eyebrows in defiance when she wouldn’t stop staring at me. I was not the one who decided things were over between Michelle and me. I was not the bad guy here.

  Avery’s eyes widened before she leaned over and whispered something in Carter’s ear. Shortly after, I was on the receiving end of two venomous looks. Matt and Jenny were off in the other corner talking about who knows what, which irritated me further. I felt like the odd man out.

  “Break’s over,” I shouted over the sounds of everyone talking. “I’ve got a new song I’ve been working on, and I’d like to know what you all think about it.”

  Reluctantly, my bandmates went back to their spots and got their instruments ready. Matt sat down at his drum set and gave me a quizzical stare, while Jenny and Carter grabbed their instruments without looking in my direction.

  I lifted my strap over my head and positioned my guitar across my chest. When it was just right, I closed my eyes and began playing my song. It was the same basic melody repeated over and o
ver again, with a bridge that used almost the same chords as the rest of the song. It wasn’t complicated, and I figured everyone would be able to play along without issue.

  They didn’t disappoint. I was just starting my second playthrough when everyone found how they fit in. Matt found a steady beat that didn’t rush it, but fit the melancholy tone. Carter was also quick to find a bassline that complimented the notes I was playing on the guitar. Jenny was the only one who hadn’t begun playing her instrument.

  I looked over to see her standing with her violin posed under her chin. Her eyes were closed, and her head was bobbing slightly to the music floating in the garage. Jenny’s left hand grabbed her bow and held her hand poised to pull it over the strings.

  When she did, it was heartbreakingly beautiful. The sound of the four of us playing together was better than I had ever imagined my song in my head. My three bandmates brought additions to my song I would never have thought to include.

  As I started the next playthrough of the song, everyone continued to go with it. I took the opportunity to walk up to the mic in front of me. I hadn’t felt this anxious to sing into a microphone since that first performance at Wild Bill's when Owen got sick. Knowing I was about to bear my soul, my breath shook as I struggled to inhale.

  I took a couple more breaths before singing.

  The lyrics had to do with the pain of love that was never given a chance to develop. In a moment of inspiration this afternoon, I’d thrown in a few lines about spring flowers that bloomed brilliantly for a short time before fading and wilting. It might have been cheesy, but I couldn’t get the image of Irises out of my head. I imagined Michelle sitting in on our practice. Every word I sang was for her. I was surprised when my voice cracked with the final words.

  I knew everyone heard it, but some prideful part of me didn’t want to acknowledge just how affected I'd been by the song.