Hate to Want You

by Alisha Rai

  Long hair flicked against his skin and he shouted as her tongue traced the head of his cock and her mouth settled on him, sucking in time with each movement of her fist. A few strokes and he was gone, thighs tensing as he came.

  After long moments, Nicholas leaned over the bed and grabbed the towel he’d carelessly dropped on the carpet after his shower. He cleaned his come off his belly, fingers, and cock, hissing as the terrycloth rubbed over the too-sensitive head of his penis.

  He balled up the towel and tossed it in the general direction of the hamper. He’d pick it up in the morning. Normally, he made sure everything in his house was perfectly in its place before he fell asleep, but these were abnormal times.

  He checked the watch on his wrist. It was past midnight. He was always asleep by 11:30, at the latest. His alarm was set for 4:30 and he functioned best with at least five hours of sleep.

  He draped his arm over his eyes and exhaled, the sound loud in his silent, empty bedroom. He would not get anxious about being off his schedule. He would not. He already had too many things on his mind.

  Mostly Livvy. Livvy was the biggest thing on his mind. He couldn’t escape her, especially not in his fantasies.

  He pulled his arm away and studied the skin. He’d scrubbed and scrubbed the damned tattoo when he’d come home. Now he could barely make out the outline of the naked fairy.

  Compartmentalize, damn it.

  That was his superpower. When he was at work, he thought about work. When he was with his family, it was family. Thinking about Livvy was relegated to one single day out of 365. His cheat day.

  But it was far easier to shove Livvy aside when he was hundreds of miles away from her and there was no chance he could run into her. Within driving distance? Impossible.

  You need to make it possible. Think of your family. Think of every person who relies on you to be at your peak physical and mental capabilities.

  Be realistic.

  They could never be together, so thinking of her was silly. He was not a silly man. Done.

  He readjusted his boxer briefs and resettled himself into his bed. Closed his eyes. Tried to focus on his breathing.

  You can’t be with her, but you could fuck. You’ve been doing that all along, and no one got hurt.

  He banged his head back against the pillow. No he could not, brain. Because . . . because . . .

  With a low growl, he sat up. Because they couldn’t.

  Back in the case. He had to get back in the case. He could only jerk off so much, so maybe he would go work out again. Run until his feet developed blisters. Abuse his flesh in the hopes that he could excise her.

  Before he could move, the ring of his cell phone cut through the silence, and he jumped. He grabbed the device from his nightstand dock. He frowned at the name that popped up on the screen. Why was Eve calling him well past midnight? “Eve? What’s wrong?”

  There was the static of air. Butt dial, maybe, but it was so late. Evie went to bed far earlier than he did.

  Then he heard the murmur of a feminine voice. He reared back and looked at the phone, wondering if his lust-ridden brain was now fueling hallucinations.

  Livvy?

  No, it couldn’t be. Why the hell would Livvy be with Eve?

  He pressed the phone tighter to his ear. “Eve? Eve, honey? Eve.”

  He heard a voice that was unmistakably Eve’s, but saying a very un-Eve-like thing. “Shit.”

  LIVVY FINISHED washing her hands in the bathroom and came out to the bedroom. Eve barely made a bump under her white ruffled coverlet. She was curled on her side, hands stacked under her flushed cheek. Livvy crept over, feeling foolish until she saw Eve’s chest moving up and down under the T-shirt she’d gotten into. She was pale, but there was a bit of color back in her cheeks. Her long lashes fluttered and she looked up at Livvy. “I’m so mortified.”

  Something eased within Livvy at this miserable confession. “Don’t be. We’ve all thrown up at one time or another.”

  “After two drinks?”

  “Maybe not most people, but my mom and brother have no tolerance with alcohol. The car ride plus the alcohol plus you said you hadn’t eaten much today . . .” Livvy shrugged. Eve had just made it out of the car before throwing up in the bushes outside the condo.

  She wondered if Eve would tense up at the mention of the other Kanes, but she only closed her eyes. “I’ve never been good with alcohol either. This is the second time this has happened.”

  “When was the first time?” Gingerly, Livvy sat on the edge of the bed.

  “College. I was trying to impress a boy.”

  “Ah.” College had been expected of all of them. Nicholas and Paul had gone off and gotten business degrees, so the company had been secure. She’d enrolled in a local art program, while Jackson had attended a prestigious culinary school. Neither of them had graduated.

  “I promised myself I’d never try that again.”

  “You only tried to impress a boy once in four years? Better record than me.” She’d only ever tried to impress one boy. Countless times. Nicholas was tough to impress.

  “Three years.”

  Livvy raised an eyebrow, a shot of something that felt strangely like pride rushing through her. “Well, damn. Smart girl.”

  “Lots of people graduate in three years.”

  “No, they don’t. Be proud of your accomplishments. No one will be proud of them for you.” Her tone was probably harder than it needed to be, and she wasn’t exactly the best person in the world to play big sister to anyone, but the girl ought to know.

  The world was unkind to women. It was devastating to women who didn’t believe in themselves.

  At Eve’s silence, Livvy glanced over her shoulder to find the girl looking at her. Blue shadows ringed her eyes. “You dress differently now,” Eve commented out of the blue.

  “I’m not a teen living at home with a disapproving mother,” she said dryly. “Also, my clothes-buying budget isn’t quite what it used to be.” The words slipped out of her mouth, and she regretted them instantly. Not because they were false—the hardest part of losing a financial safety net was figuring out the essentials and nonessentials and creating a budget—but because she didn’t want to slip into the same barb and parry game with Eve that she played with Nicholas.

  Nicholas was her equal. Eve, despite being of legal age, was still a child in her eyes.

  Eve nodded. “Yes, I imagine so,” was all she said.

  The sound of the door opening had Livvy coming to her feet. Eve’s apartment was surprisingly small for a Chandler, a two-bedroom place in a quiet, middle-class part of town.

  “Don’t worry, that’s probably my roommate. I texted her.” Eve closed her eyes again.

  A second later, a pretty black woman wearing jeans and a purple Hello Kitty T-shirt entered the bedroom and gave a sympathetic wince at the sight of Eve in bed. She smiled at Livvy and held out her hand. “Hey, I’m Madison.”

  Livvy nodded and shook her hand. “Livvy.”

  Madison bustled closer to the bed and stroked Eve’s hair. “Oh, Eve. How many?”

  “Two, but in my defense, they were potent.”

  Madison tsked, dropped her backpack on the floor, and perched next to her friend. “Alcohol and you are not friends. A few sips, max.”

  Livvy tucked her fingers into her back pocket. “I guess you’re in good hands now.”

  Eve gazed at her somberly. “I am. Thank you.” The words were stiff but sounded genuine.

  The apartment’s front door thudded open, and Livvy jolted. “How many roommates do you have?”

  Eve groaned. “Oh God. I accidentally dialed Nicholas after Madison. I hung up, but . . .”

  Livvy tensed. She couldn’t avoid the Chandlers even when she tried. “Nicholas?”

  Eve’s eyes widened, probably because she’d just realized she’d brought together two people she’d spent the evening trying to keep apart. “Oh, shi—”

  “Eve?” came Nicholas�
��s voice from the living room. “Why are your lights on? Where are you?”

  “You butt dial him and he charges right over? How did he know you were here?” Madison whispered.

  “He tracked my phone,” Eve whispered back.

  “It’s a good thing he’s your brother and not your boyfriend, or that would be creepy,” Madison grumbled.

  “Still creepy,” Livvy remarked, trying to tamp down the sinking sense of doom. “Are we going to pretend we’re not here, because there’s only two rooms for him to check before he finds you.”

  Eve groaned again, and suddenly Nicholas stood in the doorway, his big body filling the space. He wore dark jeans and a black T-shirt, a sprinkling of rain dusting his shoulders.

  Damn it. Livvy was pretty sure the drizzling had left her hair messy and flat. How did he look so good?

  His stride arrested as his gaze landed on her, but he didn’t look completely shocked. His brows knitted as he took in Eve lying on the bed. “What happened?” he barked out.

  Eve draped her arm over her eyes. “Nothing,” she mumbled.

  “You look terrible,” Nicholas said bluntly. “Are you sick?”

  “I drank a little too much, okay?”

  Nicholas drew back. “You drank? You don’t drink.”

  “Clearly she does,” Livvy interjected, something about Nicholas’s overprotective scowl rubbing her the wrong way.

  He turned that scowl on her, and a memory pinged in the back of her mind. Paul, hands on his hips, glaring at Nicholas after he’d asked her out on a date. You better treat my sister right, asshole.

  “Why are you here?”

  Her lip curled as his autocratic tone riled up every defensive, contrary cell of her body. “I happened to be at the bar where Eve was,” she answered, as pleasantly as possible. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

  “Bar?” Nicholas’s gaze cut back to Eve, and he strode to the bed. “You don’t go to bars.”

  “Zero out of two,” Livvy said caustically, perfectly fine with having Nicholas’s attention on growling at her instead of browbeating his sister. “You’re not doing so hot tonight.”

  Nicholas ran his hand clumsily over Eve’s hair until she weakly swatted his hand away. “I’m sorry to have bothered you,” Eve mumbled. “But I really am fine.”

  “That’s what brothers are for,” Livvy said. “To be bothered. In fact, you should bother him more. I’ll go get some vodka.”

  The siblings ignored her. “You don’t look good. You should be at the hospital.”

  Madison cleared her throat. “I’ll keep an eye on her, Nicholas.”

  His smile was more like an impatient baring of teeth. “I’m sorry, Madison. When did you graduate medical school again?”

  Whoa. Livvy raised her eyebrows, insulted on the younger woman’s behalf. Snippiness wasn’t something that looked good on anyone, but it was especially weird for generally calm Nicholas.

  Madison looked amused instead of pissed off. “No med school for me, but I’ve already taken and passed Drunk Friends 101 with flying colors, so I think I can handle things tonight.”

  Nicholas bent and peered into Eve’s eyes. “You could have alcohol poisoning. We should go to the emergency room.”

  Livvy straightened, pulling away from the wall. “Let’s go, big guy. It’s time for us to let Eve get some rest.”

  “I—”

  “Please, Nicholas.” Eve turned her face away, the curve of her neck fragile and birdlike. “I’m tired, and my head hurts. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

  He hesitated, but her plea must have convinced him. “Fine.” He bent down and pressed a kiss to Eve’s forehead, then walked to the door, his reluctance obvious in every step he took.

  Livvy heard Madison whisper something to Eve that sounded like “I like that chick,” but she didn’t hear Eve’s response. The poor girl must be having palpitations at the thought of her and Nicholas being alone together.

  They walked out of the condo in tense silence. Nicholas finally spoke. “Thanks for seeing her home.” His tone was remote and cold. The display of emotions she’d witnessed inside was gone.

  She missed it, even though that concern and caring hadn’t been directed at her.

  “No problem,” she returned.

  “What a coincidence you happened to be at the same bar.”

  It didn’t sound like he bought that coincidence at all. She hummed. Let Eve tell her brother about her gentle stalking and bribery attempt.

  And her rambling about your parents’ affair? Accusing your dad of a murder-suicide?

  She pushed that aside, unwilling to deal with it right now. Eve had probably only wanted to upset her, and mission accomplished. She wasn’t about to get into that with Nicholas. He either knew about it or he didn’t, and the discussion would only mess with her head more than Eve already had.

  “You look fresh as a daisy,” she said. “Thought this would be way past your bedtime.” Why is that, Nicholas? Why do you look so good? Were you busily servicing your girlfriend?

  “I was about to work out when Eve called.”

  Oh, thanks a lot. There went an extra bonus image into her spank bank.

  Nicholas tapped his keys against his thigh. “You look tired.”

  Lady boner deflated. “That’s a shitty thing to say to a girl,” she returned pleasantly. “You might as well say, hey, your face is really looking haggard.”

  “Sorry.”

  But he didn’t retract his statement that she looked tired. Asshole.

  “I don’t see your car outside.”

  “I drove Eve here in her car. I’ll get a ride home.”

  “How?”

  Livvy pulled her phone out of her pocket and waggled it at him. “I have like four different apps.”

  “This neighborhood? You’ll have to wait for a while.”

  She opened an app and tapped her location, then quietly closed it when she saw the wait time. “I’ll call Sadia. She can come pick me up once her shift is over.”

  Nicholas pressed a button on his key fob and the sleek black sedan nearest them blinked its lights. “I’ll give you a ride home.”

  “Uh. That doesn’t seem like the best idea.”

  He rubbed the space between his eyes. “Livvy, it’s late. I’m exhausted. Stop being a pain in my ass and get in my car.”

  “Well, when you’re that charming, I don’t know how to resist you.”

  “I leave charming to other men.”

  Yeah, Nicholas had never been charming in the traditional way. Not in public, at least. In private, he’d charmed the panties right off her.

  Ugh. Ughhhhhhh. Could this night get weirder? “Fine. Whatever.” She could sit next to Nicholas like a motherfucking adult. It was a short drive to her place.

  Since she knew he took pride in opening doors for women, she beat him to the passenger door and got in. As if he was surprised by her acquiescence, he climbed in next to her, shooting her wary looks the whole while.

  Pretend this is normal. “You’re a lot more overprotective of Eve than I remember.”

  He shifted, turning toward her, wrist draped over the steering wheel. “Did she say that?”

  “No. You rushing over here because she butt dialed you was a dead giveaway.”

  Annoyance tightened his features, but he dipped his head in acknowledgment. “She was sick for a while.”

  Livvy raised an eyebrow. Eve didn’t look particularly sickly. “When?”

  “When she was fifteen or so. She’s fine now. She doesn’t like to talk about it. But she spent a few months in the hospital. It changed our relationship a little.”

  Where had she been when Eve was in the hospital? Livvy thought back to all her travels. Los Angeles, maybe? “That makes sense but fifteen was a long time ago. Maybe you should ease off a little. She’s only a couple years away from being able to rent a car.”

  His lips flattened. “Don’t worry about Eve and me.”

  “It�
��s for your own good. I bet your girlfriend doesn’t like you flying off like this.” There. Totally cool. Addressing his girlfriend, that evil awful bitch.

  She’s probably nice.

  Hmph.

  Nicholas froze. “She doesn’t mind,” he said stiffly.

  She crossed her arms over her chest and looked out of the window. “What a saint.” The fucking qualifying the saint was silent.

  “She’s . . . Goddamn it.” Nicholas pinched the bridge of his nose. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

  She swiveled her head to look at him. “You said you were seeing—”

  “It was a lie.”

  Her first reaction was relief. Then insulted mortification. Her hands curled into fists on her thighs. “Oh. I’ve played that game before.”

  “What game?”

  “Pretending I have a boyfriend so someone harassing me would leave me alone.” She stared blindly at the dashboard. “I read this article once that said the quickest way to get a dude to stop hitting on you was to say that you’re with another guy, because men respect other men more than they respect a woman saying no. You didn’t have to do that with me. You could have just said you weren’t interested.”

  “Is that what you think? That I said I had a girlfriend so you’d leave me alone?” His laugh was humorless. “My God.”

  “What am I supposed to think?”

  “That I had to come up with some fucking way to stop myself from spinning you around and bending you over the table.”

  “You—”

  His hands tightened on the steering wheel, the knuckles turning white. “I said it to stop me. Not you.”

  “Oh.” Don’t be happy.

  “I know you’re not good for me, but I can’t seem to stop wanting you.”

  She barely managed to stop herself from recoiling. There it was, confirmation of how much he hated his attraction to her.

  Not good for me.

  That was fine. She’d decided he was bad for her too, hadn’t she? That was why she hadn’t texted him, because she was cutting out things that didn’t help her.