Slow & Steady #2: A Shameless Southern Nights Novel

by J. H. Croix

  “You feeling any better?” she asked me, frowning when she noticed the cup shake a little in my trembling hands. Pursing her lips, she sat down next to me. “I’ll take that as a no.”

  “I’m trying.” I really was, but I missed Sonny like crazy. Part of me was waiting for him to pound at the door, sweep me into his arms and tell me he made a mistake. Maybe even tell me that he loved me and that was where his need to protect me came from.

  The bigger, more rational part of me knew that wasn’t going to happen and was glad it wouldn’t. If our not-even-a-relationship was going to go up in flames, I would rather have it happen now than later—after I fell more deeply in love with him. If this was how hard a pseudo break up was now, I didn’t want to go through it in another month or two. I couldn’t even fathom the pain and loss.

  Karen reached for her own tea and pulled the blanket covering me over her legs as well. The sun was setting outside, casting a warm glow in her apartment. “Have you heard from him again?”

  I nodded, sipping my tea without explaining. I’d watched Karen add milk and sugar to my tea, but I didn’t really taste anything.

  Sonny kept texting me, but I ignored him. I couldn’t jump back in with him. If I read his texts, I knew I would be tempted to do just that. But I couldn’t. Nothing changed between Saturday and now.

  “Aren’t you curious to know what he said?” she asked, both of us eyeing the ever-blinking notification light on my phone.

  I nodded, my bottom lip stinging as I sunk my teeth into it. “Of course I am, but nothing he says now will make a difference. It’s too little, too late.”

  “Are you sure?” Karen’s tone was light, the furthest from pushy it could be, but I couldn’t keep myself from getting defensive.

  “I asked him what I meant to him if anything.” I repeated the same thing I told her every time we’d had this conversation in the last forty-eight hours. “He clammed up, Karen. Like, he didn’t say a word.”

  Karen was supportive of me and my decision to leave, but she also thought I might’ve made a mistake. “I know, but maybe you should’ve given him some time to answer. The way you tell it, you put him on the spot with that question.”

  I bristled, annoyed at going over this again. “So what if I did? I’ve never been in a serious relationship before, but I figure we wouldn’t have gotten very far if he can’t even tell me how he feels.”

  She held her cup to her lips, peering at me thoughtfully over the rim without taking a sip. Wrapping her hands around it, she leaned back on the couch and got comfortable. “True, but guys are notoriously bad at expressing feelings. Come on, you’ve read enough romance novels to know that. The guy always fucks up with the emotional stuff before he crawls out of his male ego-sized hole and mans up enough to admit he loves the girl.”

  “Life isn’t a novel, Karen.” I wished it was sometimes, but the reality was that Sonny would’ve at least said something in a novel. Any-freaking-thing. “I don’t think Sonny’s ever been speechless in his life, but he was when I asked him that. Guys like him, they’re confident. They always know what to say.”

  She scrunched her nose as she eyed me. “Guys like that are also just people, Nik. In fiction and in real life, people mess up. They get lost for words, or they don’t know what to say when they’re not expecting something.”

  “But he didn’t say anything,” I protested. “Not a word. Not even an ‘I care about you, but.’ Nothing.”

  “Can you really blame him though?” Karen asked, still holding up her mug and peering over it like some kind of therapist. “I mean, you know I’m Team Niki all the way, forever. But should we take a second to look at it from his perspective?”

  “Go ahead.” I couldn’t think of anything she could say that would change my mind, but I wasn’t close-minded enough to believe I could see things from all angles at all times. Karen had much more experience with men and relationships than I did. Maybe she knew something about the male species I didn’t. “Just don’t be angry if I don’t agree with you.”

  “I won’t be,” she said, her brow furrowing in thought. “I just don’t want you to look back on this time and wonder why I let you walk away if you decide you made a mistake.”

  “Doubtful, but let’s hear it.” I braced myself, hugging one of Karen’s pillows to my chest as if it could shield me from any blows her words might deal.

  “Okay, so imagine you’re him,” she started, leaning forward. “You wake up for work on Saturday morning, you head off, and when you come back, your kind-of live-in girlfriend is waiting for you. Sure, you’re late, but nothing’s wrong. She’s livid, tells you she’s reached a breaking point you didn’t know was approaching, then asks you how you feel about her after never having had any conversation about that and then storms out. That about cover it?”

  I buried my face in the pillow, my voice muffled. “It wasn’t that bad.”

  “Wasn’t it?” she asked, doubt coloring her voice. “Think about it from his point of view. You never told him you were getting tired of those men patronizing you, or that it was all bullshit. You also never talked to him about your relationship before. Is it so difficult to imagine that hitting him with all that might’ve startled him into silence?”

  I hadn’t told Karen everything about the investigation stuff with Sonny, still figuring she was safer for not knowing. Ironic, since that was the very thing I told Sonny wasn’t a good enough excuse to keep me in the dark. Even though she didn’t have all the details, she knew enough to be able to get a basic idea of my frustration with the situation.

  “He knew I didn’t like being kept in the dark,” I pointed out, grasping for straws. A lot of what she said about the way he probably saw what happened was true. Not enough to change my mind, as I expected, but enough to make me think.

  Maybe it was best for me to wait until all of the stuff related to the investigation blew over, and they arrested whoever was threatening him. Surely, if that wasn’t a concern any longer, things would be more normal between us.

  “Have you ever considered that at least you knew he was keeping you in the dark when he didn’t know the same thing about you?” she asked softly.

  My eyes snapped from the floral pattern on my teacup to her bright green eyes. “I wasn’t keeping him in the dark.”

  “Oh no?” She lifted a blond brow, tucking her chin close to her chest. “So he knows how you feel about him?”

  Opening my mouth to give her a smart retort, I realized I didn’t have one. “That’s not the only thing he’s keeping me in the dark about.”

  “Maybe not, but isn’t that what you’re hung up on? The fact he couldn’t tell you what you meant to him?”

  She had an excellent point. Neither of us had paid much attention to talking about what was happening between us. Our focus had always been on the safety and threats and the investigation. Maybe once it was all over, we would finally be able to focus on something else.

  The only question was whether he would still want to focus on me once all this was over. I wanted to believe he would, but I just didn’t know for sure. After the way I walked out on him, only time would tell if he even cared that I left.

  For the first time since I drove away from his house on Saturday night, I felt the searing pain return to my heart as the numbness retreated and left me wide open for hurt to seep into every fiber of my being. What would I do if he didn’t even care I was gone?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sonny

  If I’d ever had my proverbial hat in my hands, it was today. I stood in front of a nondescript white door at one end of a nondescript hallway. Above my head, a yellowing light hummed. The hall smelled faintly of smoke and curry, but none of that mattered.

  Behind that door, I hoped, was Niki. When she refused to take my calls or even read my texts, I resorted to turning to her best friend for help.

  Karen told me she was staying with her and gave me her address, but she wouldn’t say anything more. I knew I�
��d totally blown it on Saturday, and I knew I had to make it right. Not only because Darren warned me that things were heating up with the investigation, but because I hadn’t been able to focus since she left.

  I hardly ate, couldn’t stand sleeping in my bed, and couldn’t get to sleep even when I wasn’t in it. I didn’t know about Niki, but I was a damn wreck.

  The door swung open. My heart hammered as I came face to face with the girl who was haunting my dreams and stuck with me during the waking hours. Her eyes were watery and red as if I wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping.

  She wore sweats and a black tank top, her hair in a braided bun. Not a lick of makeup. Yet somehow, she was the most beautiful woman in the world as far as I was concerned.

  “Sonny?” A line appeared between her eyebrows as she frowned. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to talk to you,” I told her, suddenly afraid my words were going to abandon me again. It’d been weeks since I went as long without seeing her as I had these last few days. It was torture. And the simple sight of her allowed me a minute to breathe. “Can I come in?”

  “I—” She glanced over her shoulder and turned back to me with a resigned shrug. “Sure. Just ignore the mess. Karen convinced me to do facials with her last night.”

  “Sounds like fun.” It really didn’t, but if it helped her, I was all for it. “How are you doing?”

  She stepped aside and waved me into the apartment, her eyes almost weary as they tracked me inside. I fucking hated seeing her like this, so hurt and distant. She lifted her shoulders in another shrug and leaned with her hip against Karen’s open plan kitchen counter, folding her arms. “You’re not here to ask me how I am, so out with it. What are you doing here?”

  “I needed to talk to you.” Dying to pull her into my arms, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans and settled for standing against the counter opposite her. “We didn’t really get to finish talking the other night.”

  Her eyes widened in disbelief. A humorless half-smile lifted her lips. “We didn’t? I think the message was pretty clear.”

  “Could we sit down?” I asked, desperate to stay with her as long as possible and hoping she would let me.

  Niki thrust her hand out at the couch, the same anger I’d seen in her eyes before creeping back into her expression. “Have a seat if you want, but sitting down won’t change a thing.”

  “Change what, Niki?” I replayed our conversation over and over in my mind, and I was still at a loss about exactly what happened.

  The column of her throat worked as she swallowed, hugging herself tighter. “Change how you feel about me. Or how you don’t feel about me. What do I mean to you, Sonny? You ready to tell me yet?”

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I knew this was coming, but I thought I would have more time before she asked point blank again. I hoped we could sit down and talk through all the stuff surrounding why I had to keep the details of the investigation from her before we got to this.

  The thing was that I knew in my heart of hearts, I loved her. I tried to deny it to myself, but it was the only explanation for how I felt about her. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t have spent the last few days walking around like my heart had been ripped clean out of my chest and my soul was untethered, but that was exactly what I’d been doing.

  The problem? I didn’t know how to say it. Forming words like that? I had many strengths, but that wasn’t one of them. “I’m worried about your safety, Niki. I care about you, of course, I do. It’s all tangled together. I don’t know what to say. I want you to be safe.”

  Her lips pressed together in such a thin line, they almost disappeared. “But that’s it? You want me to be safe.”

  “Yes, I—” My phone buzzed in my pocket, interrupting me. I silenced it without pulling it out, dragging my hand through my hair. “It’s all just so—”

  The damn phone went off again. Niki’s eyes dropped to my crotch, but unfortunately, it wasn’t really what she was looking at. This would’ve been a lot easier if I could’ve distracted her with sex, but that wasn’t going to solve a damn thing.

  “Do you need to get that?” She inclined her head at me, chewing the inside of her cheek.

  I shook my head, but as I did, the phone went off again. It barely stopped in between calls. “I’d better. I’m sorry, I was going to ignore it, but it might be important.”

  “Of course.” She sighed, hopping onto the counter and staring out of the window contemplatively. “Have at it.”

  Pulling my phone out of my pocket, my heartbeat increased yet again when I saw the call was from Darren Hansen. He’d never called me in such quick succession before. Usually, if I didn’t answer it was because I was with the Chief. He knew that, and so left me to call him back when I could.

  He had to have news. “This is Lovett.”

  “Lovett, you need to get to me pronto. Not in an hour, kid. Not in ten minutes. You need to get in your car right now and get your ass here. There’s been a break in the case you’re going to want to be part of.”

  Niki looked at me, and my eyes met hers. Shit. I had to go, I didn’t have a choice. But if I left now? No choice, dude. Dad’s in prison over this, remember?

  I nodded, even though Darren couldn’t see me, and my subconscious already knew what we were doing. “I’ll be right there.”

  Niki sighed and slid her eyes back to the window. I was aching to put my arms around her, to hug and comfort her and tell her I would be back as soon as I could. I wanted nothing more than to tell her I loved her, take her back to my house and keep her with me forever, but none of those things were a choice I had right now.

  “I have to go. I’m sorry,” I told her, watching as the corners of her mouth turned down and she nodded slowly.

  “Are you going to tell me why?”

  I exhaled a heavy breath, already knowing this wasn’t going to go down well. “I can’t.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” She turned away from me, wrapping her arms around her legs on the counter. “This reinforces everything I’m worried about, so go.”

  “Niki, please don’t. I would’ve told you why I needed to go if I could have, you have to know that.” Her shoulders stiffened, her jaw clenching.

  She spun around on the counter, hurt and anger blazing at me from her narrowed eyes. “I don’t know that. How could I? You never tell me anything.”

  “For your own protection.” I blew out an exasperated sigh. “Please trust me.”

  Her eyebrows hitched up. “Trust you? How can I trust you? What you’re asking for isn’t trust, Sonny. It’s blind faith.”

  “I promise you we’ll talk about this, but I can’t do it now. It sucks, but I have to go.” I swallowed past the tightness in my throat. She looked so dejected sitting there, framed by the slowly setting sun outside Karen’s window. It killed me to leave her like this. “Can I call you later?”

  She shook her head. “We have nothing left to talk about right now. Go. Do whatever it is you do. Good luck.”

  I wanted to protest, to grab her by her shoulders and shake her. I loved her, couldn’t she see that? Why else would I be doing everything in my power to protect her from this ugly shit storm I’d drawn her into?

  The expression on Niki’s face when I left stayed with me all the way to where I was meeting Darren. He reserved a table at the little café on the outskirts of town again. It was becoming a regular spot for us.

  “Sonny.” Darren stood when he saw me approaching. A stack of papers was spread out on the table in front of him, and his laptop sat right in the middle of it. “Have a seat, we have a lot to talk about.”

  He signaled to the waitress, who brought over a pot of coffee and a mug for me, refilling Darren’s before taking off again. I didn’t know what he’d said to her or when, but she never hovered, and she never lingered around.

  “What’s going on?” I asked him, craning my neck to try and read his papers upside down.

  Noticing what I wa
s doing, he pulled out a few from the stack and pushed them over to me. “Maclin was siphoning money from a bank account tied to your father’s campaign before he went to prison. The proof’s all there.”

  My eyes dropped, and I eagerly scanned the contents of the documents he gave me. This was a major lead, the first real tie I could solidly make to my father’s case. I pushed my worries about my personal life and Niki’s obvious disappointment in me aside. This was what I’d been looking for, the papers that could be the first step to securing my father’s freedom.

  Taking a gulp of coffee that burned all the way down, I felt my hopes and faith in my father’s innocence rejuvenate as surely as the heat spreading through me. Rolling up the sleeves on my shirt, I put my elbows on the table and matched Darren’s satisfied grin. “Thank you for calling me about this. You were right, I definitely want in on it. With Maclin dead, we’re going to have our work cut out for us. Where do you want to start?”

  He shuffled through the papers in front of him, pushing another document my way as he sat back and hooked an ankle over his knee. “Funny you should ask that, because I was thinking we might go back to the very beginning. Tell me, Lovett, what do you remember about your father’s campaign funding?”

  Sneak Peek: Slow & Steady #3

  Sonny

  Sunshine and blue skies. The defiant weather insisted everything be bright and cheery when things in my life were the opposite. A thunderstorm or dreary mist would’ve been more appropriate for my mood.

  It didn’t help that my current patrol zone was dead boring. Where was a good ol’ high-speed chase when you needed one? Not in Cypress Creek today, that was for sure.

  Instead, I watched from the squad car as parents pushed strollers down the streets, some stopping to chat along the way. Two teenagers handed out pamphlets in the shade of the oak trees lining the sidewalks of Main Street. The outside sections of the cafés and coffee shops I passed were crowded with people chatting and laughing while they enjoyed lunch.