by Jodi Payne
“If you’ll show me where your coffee is, I’ll do that. I’m good at coffee, and you’ve worked hard.”
“Oh. Oh sure, it’s um…” You’re so sweet. “Everything is in the cabinet right above the coffee maker.”
“Excellent. Go on and get cleaned up, and I’ll make some coffee for us.” Matthew unbuttoned his shirt sleeves and started rolling them up.
“Won’t be a minute.” Tyler backed out of the kitchen, fascinated by the way Matthew very capably settled into his kitchen like he belonged there.
He took a fast shower, scrubbing himself naked-sex clean, even though he had absolutely no intention of having naked sex. He’d had no intention of bringing a cowboy home either and yet, there was a cowboy in his kitchen making coffee.
What the hell was he doing? Why didn’t it feel…wrong? Or at least weird?
He found clean jeans and a T-shirt that didn’t have a stupid graphic on it, brushed his teeth and combed his hair, decided against shoes, and went back out into the living room.
Matthew had something soft and twangy playing on his phone, and he was singing along, two mugs waiting for him.
“What are you singing?” Matthew looked absolutely comfortable, like he’d been here a hundred times.
“Oh, it’s a guy—Cody Johnson? I like him a lot. Been to a couple of his shows when he was a rodeo guy. I always go to the Houston rodeo during spring break with the girls.”
“I like his voice. And yours. Did you find the milk for your coffee?” He was ready for a cup, and to sit with Matthew and…sit. Talk. Stare at the cowboy for a while.
“I didn’t snoop, but I will now. How do you take yours, and I’ll fix us up.”
“Milk and sugar, please. I like it pretty light.” He leaned on the counter. “Thanks for making it. I feel human now. I didn’t want to sit in your hotel room smelling like a bum.”
“No problem. I get that. After a hard day’s work, a shower makes things right.” Matthew made Tyler’s coffee first, then his own. “Should we sit?”
“Yeah. Come on.” In the living room he sat on the couch and patted the cushions next to him. “Next to me?”
“I’d love to, thank you.” Matthew sat and inhaled deep. “Oh, you do smell good.”
“Soap.” He smiled and sipped his coffee. “It’s all the rage.”
“So-o-oap? What is this sorcery you speak of?” Matthew’s eyes twinkled in the lamplight. “It makes a man smell good?”
“Seems to work.” He took another sip of his coffee. “How is it you make better coffee in my coffee maker than I do? That’s just wrong.”
“I am a lover of the coffee. I seduce it, whisper to it. Tell it how bad I need it.”
Lucky fucking coffee.
He decided to live dangerously and caught Matthew’s eyes. “I’m a little jealous.”
“Well, I have a devious plan. I seduce the coffee, then I start on your cup. It gets right to your lips.” Matthew held his gaze. “Once that’s solid, I’m going to beg a kiss and see if the chemistry between us is as wonderful as I think it is.”
“What if it is? Then what?” That’s the part he hadn’t figured out for himself. What if?
“Then we see what happens next.” Matthew held his hand.
“I’m not going to lose a chance at something wonderful because I don’t know what to do.”
He didn’t believe for one second that Matthew didn’t know what to do. Matthew had been steady since the first invitation to Texas. He took a breath, held up his cup, then set it down on the table. “Okay. Then how about we cut out the middleman?”
Matthew put his mug next to his and nodded. “I find you always get the best deal that way. I’ve wanted to kiss you since lunchtime.”
He licked his lips, anticipation making his spine tingle and his heart beat heavily. “It was probably good you waited. I might have said no at lunchtime. You’re doing a good job of wearing me down, though. The coffee pot is easy.”
“Lunchtime wasn’t the right time.” Matthew stroked his bottom lip, the touch electric and smooth and sweet and wild, all at once. “Now, though? Now is good.”
Then Matthew leaned in, the brush of their mouths an insane amount of input—Matthew’s mustache tickled, his lips were soft, the hand on Tyler’s cheek was callused and huge and hot.
He closed his eyes, trying to focus on what was important here—not his doubts or his living room—just this feeling, this man, this moment. He made himself breathe, as shaky as it was, and let his lips part, welcoming the kiss.
Matthew moaned softly—Tyler more felt it than heard it—and then Matthew’s hot tongue traced his bottom lip, introducing the touch before it came in.
He answered with a sound of his own, something a little tighter than a moan, and reached for Matthew, curling his fingers into soft silver hair as their tongues explored and tasted.
Matthew held him, and with every kiss, every shaky breath, he moved closer, until he was in Matthew’s lap. Matthew’s hands trailed over his back, moving with slow, steady petting motions, matching their drugging kisses.
It wasn’t just a kiss; whatever Matthew had was seeping into his little cracks and crevices and soothing him.
“Matthew.” He stroked the cowboy’s beard and pressed their foreheads together just to get a breath.
“Damn, honey. You’re fine to me.” Matthew’s eyes were so dark, a deep, rich gray that he could sink into.
“You’re…you make me feel…so good.” He didn’t know. Good sounded so lame, and not big enough. He gave up on words and kissed Matthew again, letting that speak for him. “There.”
“Uh-huh.” Matthew nodded, and Tyler loved the dazed expression on Matthew’s face.
“You have the most incredible eyes.”
He needed to let things sink in a minute. He settled against Matthew and drew a hand over that broad chest, the fabric of Matthew’s shirt gliding under his fingers.
Matthew seemed to hear him, humming softly as the big man held him, cradling him close.
“Okay. It’s wonderful. Now we know.” Knowing didn’t answer any questions for him though, it just made room for more. He decided not to ask any of them right now. “I kind of want to bottle this feeling.”
Matthew nodded, chin gentle on his temple. “That would be cool—just pull it out and have it whenever things felt rough.”
“Mmhmm.” He sighed happily and sat up, looking for another kiss. “Things do not feel rough right now.”
“No. Things feel stupidly right.” Matthew grinned at him, then gave him what he needed, the kiss slow but deep, like a wave crashing over them.
A cell phone rang—not his—and he decided to ignore it. Nobody he wanted to talk to called at three in the morning.
It stopped, then immediately rang again once, stopped again, then another ring, and Matthew frowned. “That’s the family’s 911 pattern. I got to answer.”
Matthew pulled the phone out. “Sister? Sister, what’s—oh fuck. Okay. Is he—Shit.” Suddenly all the softness was gone from those gray eyes, replaced with a sharpness, an amazing focus. “You need to calm down. Where did they take him, Austin or Houston? I know, I know. Is Jonas on his way? Good. Give me two minutes to figure things out. Take the girls to Aunt Kathy. Have you called Momma and them yet?”
Tyler slid off Matthew’s lap, watching and listening. Rachel’s husband or her kids…something bad was happening.
Matthew took his hand, not letting him get too far. “I love you, Sister. I’ll be home to help with Elias, not that he needs much. Don’t fret. Yeah. Yeah, call me when the surgeon gets there. Love you too. Bye.” Matthew hung up the phone and sighed. “Well, fuck.”
“Who is it? What happened?” He held Matthew’s hand tight.
“Noah was in a bad accident. His girlfriend got a new truck, and they flipped it. Both him and the little girl he’s seeing are in the hospital. Noah’s waiting for surgery; they think he might lose his leg, and Hannah hasn’t woke up. Shit!�
� Matthew closed his eyes for a second. “Fuck me, this sucks. You sure you don’t want to come to Texas, honey? See the sights?”
“I… I can’t I have work tomorrow and—” He couldn’t just ditch. And even if he could he had to be back for work on Tuesday…that made no sense. “You have to go though, I know. It’s family. I get it.”
“I do. I need to help. You know—tell me I can text? Call? You’re not just some guy. I want to be—I don’t want to be a memory to you.” There was something so vulnerable, so worried and honest and real about Matthew.
God. This was terrible. He wanted desperately to rewind to five minutes ago and bottle it like he’d said. Freeze time. “Please call. Any time.” He got to his feet and made room for Matthew to stand. “I want to stay in touch.” They’d kissed, and it was wonderful, but… “This wasn’t the what if I was hoping for.”
“No. No, me either, but if you change your mind. If you need a change of scenery, you’re welcome—no strings, no bullshit. I will buy your ticket. You just say the word.” Matthew cupped his cheek. “I have so much to show you.”
He nodded and leaned into Matthew’s big frame. Maybe he could visit eventually. “Your family needs you, and they come first. Let’s talk once you know what’s happening.”
“They do. Not a memory, right? I want to be real to you.” Matthew kissed his temple, the touch painfully soft.
Tyler lifted his head and got a long look into Matthew’s gray eyes. “You are real. I won’t forget you. I can’t.” Kiss me again before you go?
“I’m holding you to that, honey.” Matthew leaned down and kissed him, the touch as intense as before.
He hummed into the kiss and combed his fingers through Matthew’s hair, not ready to let the cowboy go.
He knew he was going to have to, but he wasn’t ready. He was worried he’d never be ready.
5
Christ on a sparkly purple crutch, Matthew was tired as all get out.
He sighed and shook his head as he made the drive from Sister’s to the ranch. He’d offered to pick Noah up from therapy, grab supper for them, his little family, and Momma and Daddy on the way. He’d dropped off Noah, who wasn’t walking yet, but it was coming—he’d be on his feet by the time school started. He’d dropped off the food. Now he was heading for Momma’s to get his girls.
He checked the time, then told his truck. “Call Tyler.”
“Hey! Hi! Hang on!” Tyler shouted into the phone, loud music in the background. It was close to nine in New York, and Tyler was obviously working at the bar. There was a lot of commotion, but then all the noise just stopped, and Tyler was back on the line. “Hey. How are you?”
“Missing you like a lost limb. Fixin’ to go pick up the girls. How’s work?”
“Busy. I wish you were here, sitting at the bar.” Tyler sounded tired. “How’s Noah?”
“Doing good with therapy. He will be walking good by the end of summer. I got everyone fried chicken for supper. I wish you were here. The pool is almost done.”
“The girls must be excited. Do they dance all summer, or is that done now until fall?” Tyler had taken in interest in the girls and asked about them a lot.
“It’s done until fall. Which is good and bad. Bad because I haven’t found anyone I trust to help, good because I like hanging with them.” Matthew sighed softly and stretched. “I miss you. Bad.”
“I miss you too. It’s gotten busy here. Pride month is always nuts. Every night might as well be Friday. Good for tips, but it’s exhausting.” Tyler sighed. “You must get tired of calling me every day and hearing the same thing.”
“No.” A little, but Tyler was being reasonable. “I’m a patient man. I will just keep asking until you’re ready. If you come for the Fourth, we can shoot off fireworks and swim, have a big cookout.”
Tyler sighed. “That’s a huge tourist weekend here.”
Yeah. He was sure it was. Oh, Deb, I’m a fool. Some things won’t ever change. “Good money for you, then. I’ll be hosting this year; next year it’s Jonas’ turn again.”
“Yep. Weekends like that go a long way toward rent. That’s cool that you trade it around. This year you’ll have to pool for everyone, so that’ll be cool. Oh, hey. I need to get back out there. Thanks for calling. I’ll text you late like always.”
“Okay, honey. Take care of you. I’ll be thinking about you.” I think I love you. “Bye.”
“Later. Bye.” Tyler hung up. Again. Lately he was hanging up first a lot.
“So, that went well.” Go team him. “Lord, Deb. I shoulda just turned my phone off and had one night with him, you know? Just one night.”
He swore he could hear her laughing at him.
On the subway, omw home. You’re sleeping, I know, so good morning! I’ll be asleep when you read this.
Tyler didn’t hit send. Not yet. It wouldn’t go through until he got off the train anyway. God, he missed Matthew, and he hated this. He could finally talk because he wasn’t at work, and Matthew was sleeping.
Timing sucks, huh?
Their schedules were all off, and there was that hour time difference too. It was frustrating, but they were making it work, right? Sort of. They were making something work.
He closed his eyes for one second and woke up at his stop. His eyes flew open wide. “Shit!” He dove for the doors and just slipped through as they were closing. Woo. Go him. He shook his head as the train pulled away and climbed the stairs to the street.
Hit sent the texts once he made it home and stared at his phone wondering what else he should say.
I miss you. Sorry work was so busy. And he was so fucking tired.
He put his phone down on the bathroom sink and turned on the shower.
His phone rang in answer, Matthew’s name popping up. Oh. Oh, not asleep. He shut the shower off again and answered.
“Matthew? What are you doing up? Are you okay?” Matthew got up early. Really early. Should be he worried?
“Fine, honey. Just a touch of insomnia. I’m sitting out here having a Coke and watching the stars. You get home safe?”
“Yeah, but I fell asleep on the subway and almost missed my stop. I hate it when I do that.” The shower could wait. He went to the kitchen for a snack and a beer. “It’s good to hear your voice. I was just—oh, well you know. I texted you. You’re on my mind.”
“I get it. I think about you a lot. Was work good?” He could hear Matthew settling in to talk with him.
“It was insane. Great people and everything, but Pride month in a gay bar is a little bit wild. We had three bartenders on, and that was barely enough. A guy came in wearing a thong. That was fun. We had to send him home for pants.” His laugh was genuine but weak. He was beat. He popped some bread in the toaster and opened a beer.
“Wow. I’ve never been to Pride—they have it in Austin and Houston both, but I’m not the type. I’m not a big partier.” Matthew chuckled for him. “I’m sure you’re shocked.”
Not at all. He laughed again. “Not your scene? I bet it’s a blast in Austin if the rumors about that place are true. You might like the parade.”
“One day we can go together. I’d like that…a lot.”
Tyler had to ask. “What do your kids think about you maybe seeing a man?”
“Their Uncle Jonas is gay, honey. He’s not very good at monogamous, but he tries.” Matthew sighed softly. “I have to tell you, the Flying W has a bit of a reputation of a safe place to come if you’re not a straight white guy that wants to cowboy up. I’m trying the whole they’ll ask questions when they need to thing.”
Whoa. Did he hear that right? Maybe he should have gone for coffee instead of a beer.
“Wait. You run a big gay ranch?” He grinned. This had suddenly become the best conversation ever. Even if it was the middle of the night.
“Well, I got ten cowboys—nine drovers and a foreman. Krissy is my foreman—her wife Lisa is a truck driver that does long haul. Out of the nine drovers I got three strai
ght men, four not-straight ones, a pretty little lesbian from Houston, and a Daniel that used to be a Danielle. I got no idea whether he’s straight or not. He’s real shy.” Matthew sighed, the sound soft. “He’d been beat up pretty bad when Allen brought him home. I got rules—you want to kick someone’s ass, it better be because they didn’t do their goddamn job or they try stealing from me or worse. I don’t hold with folks hating on others because of color or loving or creed or shit.”
He had no idea what a drover was, but he didn’t care. Matthew was perfect. Perfect. And he was fifteen hundred miles away. “You’re a good man.” Was he stupid? “I’ll come for the Fourth.”
Matthew was silent for a second, then Tyler heard, “Oh, thank you, Jesus,” in the barest whisper. Then Matthew cleared his throat, voice husky. “I’ll send you a ticket. You tell me what day you’ll come out.”
He inhaled, trying to force down the nerves in his gut. He missed Matthew a hundred times more all of a sudden, and he wanted one of Matthew’s kisses so badly it hurt. “I will. I need to check with work, and then I’ll tell you.”
“That’s more than fair. Oh, honey. I want you. I want to hold you so bad.” Matthew said the things he was feeling.
“I know. I know exactly. I feel all of that…this ache in my chest, it’s awful. I need time with you, I need to figure this out. I’m just…torn. Confused. I don’t understand what I’m feeling—” Oh God, shut up. He took a sip of his beer to stop himself from saying anything else and ignored how his hands were shaking. He was a fucking disaster. Just like that. He was fine, and then he wasn’t.
“I hear you. I need that too. Hell, I want to introduce you to my babies, my land. I want to reach out and touch you. I want to make you breakfast and watch a movie together. There’s all sorts of things we haven’t gotten to do yet.”
“Like anything, Matthew. We haven’t done anything.” And that’s why this made no sense. But if he had learned anything from losing Will, it was that emotions and feelings weren’t logical. They didn’t progress neatly, and they didn’t go away like they should.