Dear Emily

by Fern Michaels

  Her calling card in hand, Emily placed a call first to Ben. Her happiness sizzled over the wire as she announced herself. “How’s it all going, Ben?”

  “It’s going. Obviously things are going well for you too. I don’t think I ever heard you sound so happy. Or are you drunk on the scent of the pine trees? Nah, that can’t be it. You must have made friends with the four-legged creatures roaming about. What do you do there all day?”

  “This and that. The hours seem to fly by. I’ve made some friends. In fact one of them is on her way home from the hospital as we speak.” She told him about Rosie’s operation and getting lost on the trail. “You should see my face, Ben. It looks like a peanut butter and jelly open-faced sandwich. I was so stiff for a few days, I could barely walk. I’m fine now, though.”

  “For God’s sake, Emily. What ever possessed you to go hiking like that? You aren’t exactly the outdoor type. Something serious could have happened to you.”

  There was such worry and concern in Ben’s voice, Emily felt a wave of guilt wash over her. “Nothing happened to me. I’m the outdoor type now. I love it, Ben. You can’t believe how busy I am, how I fill up my days.”

  “When are you coming back, Emily? It’s almost the end of August. I miss you. Your friends miss you too. Martha called off her…whatever it was she had with that old geezer. Seems he was looking for a nurse to take care of him; not that Martha is a nurse. He’s due for some kind of serious surgery. But then I guess you know all about that; she said she wrote you a long letter.”

  “Hmmmnn,” was all Emily could think of to say.

  “Are you so busy, Emily, that you couldn’t call or write?”

  Damn, his voice sounds so sad, so weary, Emily thought guiltily. “No, Ben, I just needed to…I guess I didn’t want to have any kind of responsibility for a while. No pressures, if you know what I mean. I don’t have a phone here, Ben. I have to go to the recreation hall. Besides, phone calls are frowned on. There’s no one to run messages back and forth.” How lame her voice sounded.

  “Do you miss us at least a little bit? Me in particular.”

  “I do and I don’t,” Emily said truthfully. “I do think of all of you. You’re all well, things are going well too, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “See, I’m expendable. I really think I’m going to stay on awhile longer. It’s still nice here through October. They tell me September is beautiful.”

  “Did you tell your friends you weren’t coming back on Labor Day? They’re planning a big barbecue. Lots of clients, friends, etc. As of last night they were still under the assumption you were coming back on schedule.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel guilty, Ben?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, stop it because it isn’t going to work. I could see it if I was needed, but I’m not. And don’t tell me I’m slacking off either.”

  “You sound defensive,” Ben said coolly.

  “You’re making me sound this way, Ben. You and I had an agreement. I never made any promises. I’m sorry if this call has upset you. I will call the women and talk to them and explain why I’m staying on for a while. Good-by, Ben, it was nice talking to you. Take care of yourself. I’ll drop you a line this week.” As she finished speaking, she broke the connection with her index finger hovering over the bracket.

  The happiness was gone now, replaced with guilt.

  She was scuffing her way back down the trail to her cabin, her eyes on the ground, when she heard a sharp whistle. She turned. “Matt!”

  He looks embarrassed, she thought. “Whatcha got in the sack?”

  “Lunch. I brought some meatball sandwiches from home. Want to sit on your porch and eat them?”

  “I’d love to. I have some soft drinks inside. I love picnics.”

  “I do too. Listen, tonight is the fish fry. Sister Tiny asked me if Molly will help. I said she probably would. I have to pick them up in town at three o’clock. I thought maybe we could all eat together. Ivan and Rosie, my kids, you and me. I’d like you to get to know my kids. Are you up to it?”

  “Absolutely. I can’t wait to get Rosie settled in. I would have picked her up, but when I called, they said she’d been discharged and Ivan was bringing her here. I’ll look forward to it. These are, ah…tasty,” Emily said, biting into the meatball sandwich.

  “Tell the truth. They taste like hard rubber spiced with parsley.”

  “That too. I missed you when I woke up.”

  “I hated to leave. You’re nice to sleep with.”

  “So are you. I decided to stay on awhile longer, at least till the end of September. I think Rosie is going to stay on too.”

  “You’ll pretty much have the place to yourself for September. Mostly everyone leaves either the day before or the day after Labor Day. For some reason October is busy. Harvest moons, pumpkins brought up from town, the changing of the leaves. Cooler weather. The sisters get a reprieve. They work very hard, but then I guess you noticed that. By the way, Sister Tiny really did a number on her ankle yesterday. She stepped into a gopher hole. They took her to the doctor and he said she had to stay off it for a week or so. That’s why they need Molly tonight. You smell good,” he blurted out.

  “I could smell your body scent in the bed when I woke up,” Emily said, meeting Matt’s gaze. “Are you off this weekend?”

  Matt nodded. “I promised to go to Benjy’s soccer practice and Molly wants to go roller skating. Weekends are pretty busy. I don’t usually have them off, and when I do, I have to cram everything I can into the hours.”

  “I see,” Emily said.

  “What are you going to do?” He crumpled up the wax paper and napkin. He reached for hers and stuffed it into the paper bag he was holding.

  “Read, spend time with Rosie. Call home. Help out if the sisters need me. I never have a problem filling up my hours. Maybe I’ll go into town with Rosie and take in a movie.”

  “Will you miss me?”

  Of course she would. Right now she wished she had magical powers so she could stuff herself into Matt’s pocket and be with him all day. “Probably not,” she lied. “How about you?”

  “Probably not.”

  “Liar!” Emily laughed.

  Matt looked chagrined. “Did you lie too?”

  “No,” she lied again. “Come on, I’ll walk you over to your vehicle. Then I’m going over to see Rosie.”

  When they reached the jeep, Emily waved airily and sprinted down the trail, a smile on her face. He was going to kiss her, but on the off chance she read his intentions wrong, she took off.

  “Rosie! When did you get home?”

  “About half an hour ago. It’s great to be back. I’m going to sit here all day and let people wait on me.”

  “What people?” Emily asked, looking around. “Where’s Ivan?”

  “He went fishing. He dumped me off. Actually, he carried me up to the porch. Don’t go reading anything into any of this. He’s not the least bit interested in me. He visited me every day. I think he felt responsible for me for some reason. He is borrrrrriinnnng. All he wanted to talk about was trees, animals, and fish. And Matt and his kids. I pretended to fall asleep so he’d leave.”

  “And I thought—”

  “Sister Phillie brought down a pitcher of lemonade and some cookies. It’s inside. They said they’d bring lunch and dinner too.”

  “I can do that. Matt told me Sister Tiny hurt her ankle and his daughter is going to help out with the fish fry tonight. If they have a wheelchair, I can wheel you up. It’s too far for you to walk. They’re going to be shorthanded. How do you feel, Rosie?”

  “Good. I get twinges, but the doctor said it’s gas. I must be the stupidest person in the world. How can you not know gas from appendicitis?”

  “I don’t know if I would. It’s over and done with—you’re okay, I’m okay. Let’s not look back. I did enough of that these past years. Listen, have I got something to tell you. You aren’t going to believe th
is. I hardly believe it. I keep pinching myself. Listen…”

  “Oh, my God!” Rosie said when Emily told her about the night before. “That’s wonderful. It is wonderful, isn’t it?”

  “I think so. He wants me to meet the kids tonight. I met them before, but I think this is different. I wonder what they’re going to think.”

  “The little girl is sweet. The sisters adore her. The boy, he’s rather sullen, fretful if you follow me. Four or five years ago Matt…well, he made friends with a woman who was here named Angela. She really liked him and he seemed to like her too. Whatever there was ended as quickly as it began. Supposedly she told someone who told someone else who told me, that the boy didn’t like her and refused to even be polite. That was the end of that. It’s a rumor and I probably shouldn’t even repeat it. I’d hate to see you get hurt, Emily. Matt takes his parenting very seriously, as well he should.”

  Emily frowned. “Are you trying to tell me I have to suck up to some nine-year-old kid?”

  “Yep, I guess that’s what I’m telling you. From everything I’ve heard, Matt’s kids, the boy especially, rule his personal life.”

  “That’s terrible.” A worm of fear skittered around inside her stomach. “I think you just scared me, Rosie. I like Matt. In fact, I think it goes beyond like. What should I do?”

  “Nothing,” Rosie said emphatically. “Be yourself. If Matt feels the way you do and if he’s willing to allow his son to botch up your relationship, and I’m not saying the boy will do it, but if he does, then Matt isn’t worth much, is he? If Benjy…that’s his name, right?” Emily nodded. “Well, if Benjy has a problem, it probably stems from his mother’s death, but that was a long time ago. Matt should have taken him for counseling or something. The schools back home are big on picking up on stuff like that. Maybe it was easier for Matt not to deal with it. There might not be a problem at all and we’re worrying over nothing.” Her voice belied her words.

  “Baggage.”

  “I beg your pardon.”

  “Baggage, Rosie. That’s a slang expression people use when a relationship is under way and there’s a wife or children in the background. They refer to them as baggage. It sounds terrible, I admit, but true nonetheless. What…what if he hates me? Kids of nine are pretty smart, aren’t they?”

  “I’d say so. Manipulative too. I would have thought it would be the girl. Girls are so protective of a parent. But she may relate better and she might be looking for a stepmother.”

  “Who said anything about marriage?” Emily yelped.

  “Relationships, if they’re serious, usually lead toward marriage. Don’t go coy on me, Emily. I’m sure you’ve thought about it. Fantasized maybe.” She smiled at Emily’s flushed face.

  “Want to play Scrabble?”

  “Sure.”

  “Okay, I’ll walk up and get the game and bring you back something for lunch.”

  The two women played Scrabble until three-thirty, when Emily called a halt. “I think you need to take a nap and I’m going to go for a bike ride. I’ll be back by five-thirty. I asked about a wheelchair and the sisters said someone would have it down here by five forty-five. Once you get there, you can walk around. Okay?”

  Rosie nodded. “Emily?”

  “Yes.”

  “Don’t spend too much time thinking about all of this. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Sister Gussie’s philosophy. Do what you did that night on the trail; think about that inspiration class we went to.”

  “Good idea. See you later.”

  Back at her cabin, Emily rummaged in the dresser drawer for the list of inspirational sayings and stuffed it into the pocket of her shorts. Thirty, or was it forty, suggestions on how to find inspiration in everyday life. Like she was really going to put food coloring in her bath water. With no bathtub on the premises, that one wasn’t going to be hard to discount. There was no problem with admiring herself or dreaming a little. She knew them all—why she’d brought the list was a mystery, she thought as she pedaled along, her mind half on Matt, half on the sayings in her pocket. Do something new and different every day. Yeah, sure. Change your moods like clothes. Well, hell, that wasn’t hard to do; she did that automatically. The one that was going to give her the most trouble was refusing to sit still for negative thoughts. She was going to have to ask one of the sisters how she should exercise her soul. Was that even possible? If she had a favorite of all the suggestions, she supposed it was the one that said, Let the world heal you. She’d tried that now for years and it seemed to be working.

  Emily stopped her bike an hour later, looked at the uphill bike trail, and climbed off. She sat down, cross-legged, and lit a cigarette. She still hadn’t given up the filthy things. Maybe she never would.

  What would she do if Matt asked her to marry him? Did she really and truly love him? What about Ben? So many questions with no ready answers. “I don’t think I’m mother material. In fact, I know I’m not.” She was muttering to herself, a habit she’d thought she’d broken. Affairs were nice, relationships even nicer. Baggage. Package deal. “So, I’ll have a little fling, and when it’s over, I’ll go home.” The kids would always come first with Matt. And that’s the way it should be. She lit a second cigarette from the stub of the first one. That was another thing—she wouldn’t be able to smoke in Matt’s house. “I do care about him.” She was muttering again. What she needed right now was to shift into neutral.

  Emily tried not to think. Instead she did her best to look around, savor, lock away the memory of this beautiful place. It was almost perfect with the sun filtering through the lacy overhang of trees. Everything was green and lush, the pines so aromatic she wanted to stay there forever. Banks and banks of wild fern were everywhere, their fronds long and graceful.

  Because she couldn’t quiet her mind, she thought about Ben and her friends back home. She hadn’t read the mail either. “Damn.”

  Emily lit a third cigarette from the crumpled pack in her pocket. She ripped at the foil paper. Three left. She was going to smoke them all, bury the butts, and then pretend she hadn’t smoked any of them. To what end, she questioned herself.

  “Rosie’s right. If any of this is meant to be, it will be,” Emily muttered as she climbed back on her bike and pedaled back to her cabin.

  She was nervous, twitchy, when she walked into the recreation room for the wheelchair. Thank God it was the electric kind. Just for the hell of it, she sat down and wheeled herself to Rosie’s cabin. “It’s a fun ride,” she called cheerfully. “And it’s electric so it isn’t going to get stuck in the pine needles. Everything smells delicious as usual.”

  The fish fry was always held outside in the picnic area with gaily colored cloths on the redwood tables. Candles in wine bottles and cans of bug spray were at the ends of every table.

  “What’s on the menu?” Rosie asked.

  “Catfish, expertly boned and fried to perfection, those slab potatoes topped with cheese, corn on the cob, fresh peas, homemade bread and butter, salad, and I think dessert is a secret. I saw a sign in the recreation room that said they were having an old-fashioned taffy pull tonight.”

  “I’ll pass,” Rosie said.

  “Me too. I don’t see Matt, do you? Okay, you can get out of the chair here. We can sit under this tree and we’ll have a real good view when the sun goes down.”

  “This is fine. The breeze is nice, and no, I do not see Matt. Go look for him. I’ll be fine here.”

  “No. I’ll sit here with you. Want a cigarette?”

  “Sure. A beer too.”

  “Gotcha. There’s a keg tonight. Guess we have Ivan to thank for that. Those guys from Alabama can really sock away the beer. Last week they said a keg was needed. They paid for it too. Have you noticed how generous everyone is here?”

  “You’re simply talking to hear yourself, Emily. Go get the beer, leave the cigarettes, and if you meet Matt, don’t hurry back.”

  “Am I that obvious?” Emily asked.

  “Only
to me. Don’t bring me all suds either.”

  “I hear you,” Emily said, trotting off for the beer. She returned carrying a tray with three glasses, two for Rosie and one for herself.

  “Emily, Rosie, mind if Benjy and I join you? You’ve both met Benjy.”

  Emily and Rosie nodded.

  Emily was about to light a cigarette and then changed her mind. Young people didn’t care for cigarettes these days, which was good. She watched as Rosie blew a perfect smoke ring. Damn, she really wanted a cigarette. She hated drinking beer without a cigarette in her hand. “Everything smells good, doesn’t it? Dessert is a secret tonight.”

  Benjy nodded, his face sullen. Clearly he would much rather be someplace else.

  “Are you ready to go back to school, Benjy?” Emily asked quietly.

  “No.”

  Emily tried again. “Your dad said you play soccer. Do you belong to a school team or is it a summer program?”

  “School team. I don’t like it, but my father said I have to play.”

  The belligerent expression on Benjy’s face warned Emily that the boy was about to erupt and very soon. She noticed Matt’s fingers drumming on the table top, a sure sign of nervousness.

  I don’t need this, Emily thought.

  “Why don’t you see if you can help the sisters in the kitchen, Benjy?” Matt suggested.

  “Why? Do you want to get rid of me? It’s not my turn to help.”

  “Because it would be the nice thing to do. No, I don’t want to get rid of you, and turns don’t count.”

  “Yeah, they do. Molly gets paid to wait on tables. I clean up and take the trash out to the dumpster and I get a free meal. Where’s the fairness? I could have had pizza at home.” He was out of his chair, heading for the kitchen, shouting his last words over his shoulder.

  Matt closed his eyes wearily. “He has a terrible attitude. I don’t know what to do with him anymore.”

  They were like night and day, Emily thought when Molly, carrying a tray with their dinners on it, set it down to give her father a loud smacking kiss. “Gee, it’s nice to see you up and around, Mrs. Finneran. Mrs. Thorn, you look real good. Your bruises are almost gone. Bet you’re happy. Guess what, Dad, when the sisters pay me tonight, I’ll have enough money for the installation of my very own phone. By next week I’ll have enough for the first month’s bill. You aren’t going to change your mind, are you?” she said, her words tumbling out with machine-gun speed.