True North

by Allie Juliette Mousseau

  “You better stand down little girl,” he crowed.

  “No! No way! This has been a long time coming. When we were younger you raised your belt against Nate. I’d pound my fists into the door, crying and pleading with you to stop, but you wouldn’t. I hated you for it. But then he got bigger than you so your tactics changed. You never gave us love. You were too busy manipulating and controlling us. And I know why you hated us—because we look just like Mom!”

  “Don’t you say another word.” My dad gripped my arm hard and gave me a strong shake.

  “WE WERE HAPPY WHEN YOU WERE GONE!” I shouted in his face, my adrenaline pumping hard.

  Nate pulled my dad’s hand from me and shoved him into the wall. “Don’t you touch my sister!”

  “She’s my daughter!” he spat back.

  “If anyone raised her it was me, you son-of-a-bitch.” Nate planted himself between us.

  I felt driven to say all the things I’d kept bottled up over the years. To force my dad to see what kind of person he’d become. “I used to crave your attention, Dad, your affection … and even more so, your acceptance. I’ve always loved you, even when you showed no hint of that love back. You gave us a house to live in and fed us, but other than that, there was no difference between you and Mom.” Hot, ugly, angry tears filled my eyes. “You never loved us. You may have never even loved her. But you sure cared about what the folks around town thought of you. That’s the only reason we weren’t completely homeless orphans. Maybe you roughed Mom up some too or showed her your true colors and that’s why she left you!”

  Maybe I should have stopped before then; maybe I shouldn’t have had to prove we were right. Maybe I wanted him to know we were better than that. Maybe I wanted to finally say how I’d always felt.

  I was wounded and sore in every way possible. I missed my mom, which inevitably always happened whenever she was brought up, no matter what the context; my dad had ripped Jake to shreds, and I wanted to rip him apart back; and he’d hurt my brother, and for that I hated him.

  In that moment my world exploded around me.

  Something happens when you experience something so dreadful that you shut off the volume in your mind. Everything seems unreal, and every motion you make is as if you’re moving underwater. Maybe it’s the same shock that mice and other animals go into when they’re attacked and about to be eaten alive.

  Dad hit Nate so hard in the shoulder with the bat I heard his bone crack, and he crumpled to the floor. My dad lifted the bat over his head to hit him again, and I could imagine my dead brother bleeding out at my feet.

  “NO!” I sprang at the bat.

  My dad and I fell into the couch. It flipped over backward from the impact. I felt my head hit the wood floor so hard I saw double.

  He tossed the bat and leapt on top of me, trapping me with his legs and putting his fingers over my throat. “I’ll teach you not to say another word!”

  His fingers pressed hard, and I felt my oxygen cut off. He just stared at me, like I was a television set. My lungs started to burn. I kicked out my legs, but I couldn’t connect with anything. I punched, pulled and scratched at him, trying to reach for point of pain, like his nose or eyes, but somehow he was eluding me. A black edge formed around my vision.

  A huge noise erupted from somewhere in the room and, a second later, my dad’s form literally sailed off of me and to the other side of the room, where he slumped against the wall.

  I felt a blast of cold night air, and Jake was there, lifting me into a sitting position. I gasped for air, pulling every bit of it I could into my lungs!

  He didn’t speak, he just cradled me.

  Josh and Caleb were helping Nate get on a stretcher while the police handcuffed my dad and read him his rights. Pulsing blue and red lights flashed over the dull living room walls.

  I tried to talk. Tried to say I was going to be sick, but I still didn’t have enough breath to do it, so I pulled to the side and puked all over the rug.

  I woke up surrounded by four white walls and that horrible over-sterilized smell. I was hooked up to an IV drip, a heartbeat monitor, and had an oxygen tube in my nose. My head hurt wicked.

  “Jake?” I was so hoarse I didn’t think I’d made a sound.

  But he stirred and opened his eyes. He was sitting flush up against the bed in a big armchair. He touched my legs carefully, gently as if I might break. “Hey, baby, you’re awake.”

  “Are we in the hospital?” I groaned. I hated hospitals.

  “Yeah. You suffered a pretty bad concussion.” He petted my leg. “I have to let the doctor know you’re awake.”

  “Wait! How’s Nate?” The image of my dad bludgeoning him with the bat was fresh in my head.

  “He’s good … well, he has a broken shoulder. He was held in the hospital overnight for observations, but they released him. Julia is playing nursemaid at his place.”

  “What happened to my dad?”

  “Livie, I have to get the doctors,” he pleaded.

  “Jake, I need answers!”

  He sighed heavily. “Nate’s pressing charges for aggravated assault for the both of you.” Jake watched me. “You’ve been out stone cold for two days. You had us all pretty worried.”

  “Where is my dad?”

  “He’s looking at second degree assault charges that could lead to a lot of years in jail.” He didn’t meet my eyes. “He’ll be pleading guilty. There were too many witnesses. I’m sorry, Liv.”

  “We missed leaving on time.” Funny what your mind decides to latch onto as normal.

  “Yeah, we got caught in the storm.” He smiled so lovingly, so unconditionally, I knew everything was going to be alright. “But it’ll pass.”

  “I think I might be dead now if you hadn’t gotten there.” I wasn’t angry or sad. It was like everything was matter-of-fact. “Was my dad really going to kill … us?”

  Jake didn’t answer. Instead he stood up and kissed my head.

  “I don’t really know if I even still love him. I’d stopped missing him a long time ago. It was like he wasn’t even really my dad,” I thought out loud. “But why do I have an ache in my gut as if I did? Is it him? Or the idea of having a dad?”

  “I’m so sorry that it all happened this way. I have to get the doctor.”

  “Before you do, kiss me and tell me you love me.”

  “Always.” He leaned down to meet my lips and I closed my eyes so I could focus only on the feel of him.

  Chapter 22

  “Between the Raindrops”

  Lifehouse (Featuring Natasha Bedingfield)

  “Come on, perfect! It’s time to wake up. We’ve got to go.” Jake didn’t nudge, he didn’t lay soft kisses across my cheek. No, he jumped up and down, kneeling on the bed. The entire rig shook.

  “You’re so twelve years old,” I mumbled. But I was smiling and his enthusiasm was heady.

  He grabbed my arm and tried yanking me off the bed.

  “JAKE!”

  “Get up then!” He ran to the front of our Earth Roamer and blasted Michael Franti and Spearhead’s “Say Hey.”

  He came back into the bedroom, singing to me at the top of his lungs and shaking his hips. It would have been really funny, except Jake had a pretty kick ass voice without even trying and the way he was rolling his hips made him sexy as hell and good enough to eat.

  “I don’t know, Mr. North, but it seems to me you’re trying to keep me in bed as opposed to getting me out.”

  He pulled me up by my arms and danced with me in our tight space. “We don’t even have time for a quickie, but be sure we will later.” He brought me into his arms, kissed my neck and then twirled me. “Now get dressed.”

  I did.

  All our bags were already packed, waiting for our grand excursion—a twelve day Columbia River rafting trip through the Grand Canyon.

  I stretched in the cool, Arizona, May morning air and watched Jake lug our stuff into the rental car. The sun was just coming up. I had gra
bbed our two to-go coffee mugs and got into the passenger side. Jake bounced into the car he was so excited.

  “Baby, we are looking at twelve days of pure heaven, two hundred forty miles and one hundred sixty rapids through one of the most scenic masterpieces in the world!” Jake’s voice was filled with enthusiasm.

  Perfect Adventure River Expeditions would outfit us with everything we needed and provide us with two guides.

  We pulled into the parking lot and brought our stuff. Skye and Reed met us at the car.

  “You two ready?” Skye had blond hair and blue eyes and looked very Dutch. His wrist boasted several colorful, beaded, woven wristbands, and around his neck he wore the coolest moonstone on a black leather strand.

  “You bet, man.” Jake firmly grabbed Skye’s forearm as they greeted one another.

  “Awesome, let’s get your stuff in the van,” Reed said. “Then you guys can go in and suit up.” Reed had long, light brown hair, pulled back into a ponytail, and brown eyes. They both wore orange Pare baseball style caps.

  “Suiting up” consisted of wetsuits on top of Nike Dri Fit synthetic long underwear. Over that, easy dry t-shirts and pants with Gore-Tex jackets. Arizona weather in May could be tricky—hot afternoons and cold nights were the norm, so we were ready for everything.

  The four of us piled into the van and drove to Lees Ferry, which gave us access to the Colorado River. Jake chose the fifteen foot paddle rafts so we’d have a more “hands on experience” which meant we rowed too—or he did. As for me, I held on to the ropes for dear life. We launched into the still, calm waters and let loose from the shore.

  Soon enough we were slipping between the canyon walls with the Kaibab Plateau rising over 9,000 feet above us.

  “Well, kids,” Skye, who wasn’t much older than Jake, said, “welcome to Marble Canyon. This is the corridor that makes up the first 65 miles of the Grand Canyon and these rock layers are over 1.7 billion years old.”

  Every now and again they threw out random facts they thought we might like to know. What words were there to describe our thoughts, to process the immense beauty and sheer awesomeness of the Grand Canyon? The orange, cream and red hues of the canyon walls cradled us as we passed through them. They were so old and had withstood Mother Nature and everything man had thrown at them so far, and there the canyon stood, as powerful as ever.

  Reed manned the back of the raft while Skye was up front. Jake was right behind me in the middle. We lifted out our oars to just hold on and take a breath. I leaned back against Jake. Somehow I felt like everything we’d been through had made us even stronger.

  An edging of green plants and colorful wildflowers twisted along the banks on both sides. Slow-paced muddy waters drifted into white water spray and rough rapids. As we entered them we all came alive. Every nerve sang with the thrill of the surging water as our raft dipped and spiked and the cold waters cascaded over us. Each muscle pumped as we tested and proved our own strength and fortitude. When we got to the sweet spot we all screamed and shouted from the extreme pleasure. There was nothing like it!

  When we slid back into calmer waters I turned back to see Jake as he shook the excess water from his hair, which had grown out from his military style to a sexy-mess I could now wrap my fingers in.

  “WHOO!” he shouted, and his voice bounced and echoed over the canyon walls.

  We were still laughing as we found a sandy area to set up camp. Jake and I gave ourselves a little distance between our tent and our guides’. We all worked together and had erected a pretty good site in no time. Skye pulled out a cooler and handed everyone a beer while Reed went to work grilling steak and veggie kabobs with twice baked potatoes.

  Jake and I changed out of our wet stuff and into some thick fleece sleeping/lounging gear. We hung everything to dry and joined Reed and Skye by the fire they had built. We ate ravenously and, by the time we were finished cleaning up, the stars had come out. Because there were so many, it almost felt as if we were floating among them through space instead of just looking up at them. What kept me grounded was the firelight dancing off the red and orange cliff face. It was easy to stare at it hypnotically.

  I felt Jake give my shoulder a squeeze. “Come on, adventurer, let’s hit the sack.”

  I had fallen asleep.

  We excused ourselves for the night. In the tent, Jake’s hands were immediately all over me and I got that quickie I’d been promised earlier. We both drifted off to sleep and slept harder than I could remember. Jake never even stirred.

  The next morning we woke to the smell of pancakes and sausage. After that hardy breakfast with staying power, we packed up camp and hit the river.

  Today, spectacular waterfalls greeted us. Some poured from the rim’s edge while others came right out of the rocks. Each day was a new gift of experiences.

  We hiked through the famous Vasey’s Paradise, where the waters flowed from the canyon wall, fanning out down the rock. We spent time playing, marveling and filling our water bottles.

  Red Wall Cavern was a massive, carved limestone, dome-like rock structure that was shaped much like an amphitheater with a soft, sandy floor. We played a rousing game of Frisbee, then each tried to spot the most fossilized creatures.

  We examined the pictographs and petroglyphs left by ancient Native Americans as we hiked Bright Angel Trail and marveled at the Anasazi Granaries.

  On our sixth day Jake told me he was ready. He had already spoken to Skye and Reed, and they had taken off for a nearby hike. He carried the red silk bag as we approached the rough water’s edge. This was the biggest step he’d taken, and I followed his lead.

  The air was still and the sun was warm and comforting on my skin. He smiled peacefully next to me and spoke partially towards the sky and partially to the red bag. “Hey guys, I’m psyched you got to come on this one last adventure with me. We thank you for your company. Now it’s time, here in this place, to part ways.

  “Your initials are etched into my skin, so I promise I’ll never forget you, but I can’t live with your ghosts any longer … we all have to rest and have peace.”

  Jake reached into the bag and pulled out a plastic container of white rose petals and handed it to me. His hand dipped back in and came out with photos and a few other artifacts—a set of dog tags, an empty cigarette container, a piece of metal shrapnel and a plain brown vial of sand.

  “So, I’m here to say goodbye and let each of you go.

  “To Commander—you did everything you could do for those in your charge. Not many others could walk through hell as bravely as you did, sir. Or lead with such valor and honor. You’re sorely missed.

  “To Jeffords, who took her own life after her second tour and who saw and experienced more than her fragile, tender soul could take—you fought and cared bravely.

  “To Maine, who lost both his feet, and later his heart when he stepped on an IED trying to make a safe path for others—I pray you will find out that there is still so much to live for.

  “To Sanchez, Smith, Thompson and Kidd—I loved you—still do, and miss you too—but I carried too many coffins and never truly laid them to rest.”

  He knelt down and let the water rush over his fingertips, then set each photograph one at a time into the current and let them slip away. Then he simply let each artifact fall from his hand.

  “I let go of the demons that chose to kill themselves and their own people with explosives and plant IEDs, killing so many innocent people along with themselves. I want you to die now, and for me to stop reliving the horror of your actions. And I choose to stop hearing the screams of the Afghan civilians murdered in this war—men, women and children. I have to let you go, too, because I can’t save you.”

  He took a shuddering breath, took the lid off the vial, and dumped the sand slowly into the swirling waters.

  “Will you set this into the fire?” Jake gave me the container and I went over and dropped it into the flames. I couldn’t help it, I wanted to watch it burn to nothing, thi
s jar that had held a small portion of Afghanistan. When I was satisfied I stood again next to Jake.

  “For those of you I fought alongside of and trained with and who never made it home. I am forever grateful that I had the chance to know you and serve with you—it was an honor. I now have to say goodbye, knowing I did my best to serve you well and that your death was … not … my … fault.” Jake emphasized each word. “You may be the most difficult to release, because I’ve spent so much time feeling responsible for you and your demise. But I remind myself now, that it was war and we all volunteered and threw our dice. I’m eternally sorry for the roll you got, but I can’t change it. It was a pleasure knowing you.

  “I hope you all have found a better place and that you’ve experienced mercy and an end to your suffering … even as I still seek to obtain it myself. This is one of the most fucked up wars that was ever fought. I pray it ends soon.”

  Jake reached for the flower petals, and we both laid handfuls of them over the water and watched silently as they floated out of sight.

  He wove his fingers through mine and I knew he was stronger for this.

  “You’re my angel of mercy, Livie, you know that right?” He turned his body towards mine and wrapped me in his arms.

  “That was tremendously brave, Jake.” He wasn’t crying, and I had to make a conscious effort not to be the one who started the tears. “I’m proud of you.”

  Chapter 23

  “Unity”

  Shinedown

  “I’m freaking out! That’s what I’m doing!” My voice squeaked.

  “You shouldn’t be, you’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.”