She drew back and held his shoulders in the same way his own mother often did when she wanted him to pay close attention to what she was saying.
“Nate, honey. This is not new information. I asked a million questions after Rick was killed. I knew that you were the one who gave the order, and I also know that everyone considered the supply runs relatively safe. As safe as anything can be in a war zone. You couldn’t have known about the sniper, and, Nate?”
He opened his mouth to respond, but no words came.
“I also know that you went after the sniper and that it took four men to drag you back onto base.”
Nate remembered the hatred that had consumed him when he’d heard what had happened to Rick. He could still feel the other soldiers’ hands on him, hear their commands, as he’d fought them from dragging him back to safety, and he remembered the pain as he’d broken free and they’d tackled him to the ground. After that, all he remembered was being with Rick as his best friend fought for his last breath.
“I know you were with Rick until the very end.” She gripped his forearm. “Look at me, Nate.”
He lifted his eyes and saw Rick’s and his mother’s faces melding together. For a second it was Rick’s eyes looking back at him.
“I know my son, and he never would have blamed you, Nate. He loved you like a brother. I wish I had known you’ve been harboring this guilt.” She pulled him in close again.
Her embrace broke the dam of emotions he’d been holding back for two long years. “You knew?” It came out as a whisper.
“Yes, honey. I’ve never blamed you.”
“You don’t blame me.” It wasn’t a question. He needed to hear it again and again to break through the thick layers of guilt that clung to him like calloused skin.
“I don’t blame you. I never blamed you. War isn’t fair, but life isn’t fair, either.”
“Thank you. God, I’m so sorry. I wish it were me.”
“Don’t you ever say that. You have a family who loves you and a woman who’s waited a long time for you. Rick wanted that for you, Nate. He wanted you to protect Jewel.”
Nate didn’t know how long she held him or how many people saw him falling apart at the seams—and he didn’t care, because coming apart was the only way for him to find a way to put himself back together.
After Anita missed her class and Nate finally stopped weeping, she handed him a stack of letters. “I carry these with me in my purse. Sometimes I need to see Rick’s handwriting or hear his voice. These have helped me. They might help you. Read them when you have a chance. Return them when you’re ready.”
He’d have recognized Rick’s handwriting anywhere.
“Does Jewel know? About me giving the order?” he asked.
“No. It never felt right to tell her.”
Nate dropped his eyes back to the letters, wondering how it could ever feel right. Jewel would hate him for this.
“You don’t have to tell her, Nate.”
He lifted his eyes to her and pressed the letters to the searing pain in the center of his chest. “Yes. I do.”
Chapter Twelve
JEWEL CHECKED HER messages one last time. Nate had texted her earlier and said he wanted to meet her at her apartment instead of his cabin, and she’d agreed, but when she’d texted back to ask why, he hadn’t responded. She hoped that he was just too busy to get in touch, but the sinking feeling in her stomach told her otherwise. She’d made it clear to him that she wanted him in her life, and he’d made it clear that he was worried about crossing those lines until he figured things out.
Jewel hated lines. Enemy lines. Family lines. Lines at stores. Any stupid lines. She hated them all. She wanted a clear path from her to Nate. A solid black line that nothing could break. A path that he’d walk proudly, without his promise to her brother hanging over his head—and that was something she wasn’t sure he’d ever have.
“No messages?” Chelsea asked.
She shook her head as she closed out the register for the night.
“It’ll be fine, Jewel. He’ll come around.”
“What if he can’t get past this? What if he’s done, Chelsea? I just realized I’ve loved him all this time, and now…” Her stomach dipped at the thought.
“A man doesn’t want a girl forever and suddenly decide he’s done. He just needs time. Maybe he got freaked out.”
Jewel grabbed her purse and sighed. “He’s been freaked out this whole time. He made that promise to my brother and I don’t think anything can change his thinking.”
“The promise about protecting you that you told me about? Well, hell. Tell him that he can love you and protect you at the same time. Isn’t that what love is?”
“You’re asking the wrong girl.”
Chelsea hugged her. “Call me if you need me tonight. I’m just doing some inventory and then heading home.” Her lips spread in a smile that told Jewel she was plotting. “Why don’t you dress up really sexy when he comes over?”
“I’m not exactly feeling sexy right now. Besides, if he doesn’t want me, what good would that do?”
“Oh dear, girlfriend. That man wants you. He’s just conflicted. You need to unconflict him.”
“That’s not even a word.”
“Maybe not, but it’s definitely an action.”
Jewel mulled over Chelsea’s idea while she drove back to her apartment, but by the time she pulled into her parking lot, she’d completely nixed it. She didn’t know the first thing about unconflicting a guy or making herself sexier. She only knew that thinking about Nate made her heart ache.
She walked upstairs hoping Nate wasn’t going to tell her that he was leaving town—and stopped cold at the sight of him sitting beside her door. He rose to greet her.
“Hey.” He looked like he’d been up for days, even though he’d looked rested when she’d seen him just that morning. His eyes were at half-mast, his jaw unshaven, and his face was drawn.
“Are you okay?” she asked, noting that he didn’t lean in to kiss her.
He shrugged and stepped aside so she could unlock the door.
She pushed her key into the lock, sensing him stepping closer.
“You smell nice,” he said in a gravelly voice.
She closed her eyes, soaking in the compliment and the closeness.
“I missed you today,” he admitted.
She pushed open the door with shaky hands. Should she tell him that the thought of losing him made her physically ache, or would that scare him away? She took the safe route and said nothing as she set her keys and purse on the coffee table.
Nate took her hand and guided her down to the couch beside him. “You’re trembling.”
“Nervous,” was all she could manage.
He smiled, and it cut straight to her heart. “Me too. So damn nervous.”
“What do you want to talk about? Why did you have to see me at my place instead of yours?”
He dropped his eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch today. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff.”
“You left me hanging and scared the shit out of me at a time when I thought we were getting closer.”
“I’m sorry.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I need to tell you something, and after I do, I’m going to leave.”
“Leave? I don’t understand. Leave town or leave my apartment?” She felt sick to her stomach. What could possibly be bad enough for him to say that?
“Leave your apartment for now. And depending on what you decide, I might leave town.”
Instinct brought her hand to his thigh. “Nate, you’re scaring me.”
He drew in a deep breath, and she noticed that he didn’t reach for her hand. He didn’t touch her in any way. When his knee brushed hers, he moved it farther away. A shiver ran down her spine. Everything felt wrong.
“Jewel, this isn’t easy for me to tell you, but I can’t have it hanging between us anymore. It’s eating me alive.”
She’d never seen his
eyes so full of regret or heard him sound so defeated. Before she could pull her thoughts together, he spoke again.
“I was the one who sent Rick on the supply run.”
“I don’t understand.” She knew Rick had been killed during a supply run, but why would he send Rick on a dangerous mission?
“I gave the order. It was supposed to be a routine mission, but—”
She felt like she’d been punched in the gut. She gulped one breath after another, trying to fill her lungs. “You gave the order? Two years ago you gave the order that killed my brother and you’re just telling me this now?” The walls were closing in on her. Nate gave the order. He sent Rick on the mission that got him killed.
“I couldn’t deal with telling you.”
“You couldn’t deal with telling me that you killed my brother?” She pushed away from him, and even the crushing look in his eyes didn’t cut through the pain in her chest. “You let me believe that he was killed by a sniper.”
“He was killed by a sniper.” He answered calmly, as if he’d expected her reaction, and that infuriated her.
She tried to make sense of what he was saying, but her thoughts were too tangled. “But you sent him on the mission? Why him? Why not some other guy?”
“It was supposed to be safe. Jewel, I’m sorry.” He reached for her, and she backed away.
“Safe? It was a war, Nate. There’s no safety in war.” She covered her mouth and turned her back to him. She sensed him behind her, a formidable presence of strength overshadowed by guilt and sadness so thick she had to walk away.
“Jewel,” he pleaded.
“No. Don’t talk to me right now.” She spun around. “This is why you felt guilty, isn’t it? It had nothing to do with your promise to my brother.”
“No. Yes.” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “It’s both. All of it. I didn’t mean to deceive you. I just couldn’t come to grips with it myself. I’d give anything to be the one who didn’t come home. Please, Jewel, try to understand. I was doing my job.”
“Does my mom know? Oh God, my mom.” How would her mother get through knowing this? Nate, the man they all trusted and loved, had sent Rick to his death.
“Yes.”
Jewel was trembling all over. “She knows?”
“Yes. She knew before I told her. She’s known for a long time.”
Jewel reached for the arm of the couch to stabilize herself, and Nate reached for her. She struggled to break from his grip, but he was too strong. He held her close, apologizing, swearing he wished he could take it back, wished it were him who had died, and that only twisted her heart into a tighter knot.
“I can’t,” she said as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Please let go.” She twisted out of his hands. “You were hiding behind the promise.”
“I wasn’t hiding behind it.” His broad shoulders rounded forward, and he lowered his voice. “I was hamstrung by it.”
“Hiding, Nate.” She didn’t mean to yell. “You were hiding because you were too afraid to tell us all what you’d done.”
His eyes watered as he drew his shoulders back. “Damn it, Jewel. Like you’re hiding behind your family? You can’t move forward with your own life because you use them as a crutch. You’re afraid, Jewel, just like I’ve been afraid.”
“I’m not afraid.” I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid.
“Then why won’t you take the job Chelsea’s offering you? Why won’t you let your brothers and sisters take the school bus?”
Her jaw dropped open.
“That’s right. Patrick and Krissy told me all about you being afraid something will happen to them, and your mom doesn’t want to upset you by letting them ride it. Well, guess what, Jewel? Life is full of uncontrollable shit. You’ve had to deal with way too much of it already, and I get that. All I wanted to do was protect you from what I did.”
“Or protect yourself,” she mumbled under her breath. “Buses are dangerous. All those loud kids distracting the driver.” She worried about her siblings every time they left the house, and she couldn’t bear to lose another family member. She stalked across the room with her arms crossed, trying to escape the truth in his accusation and the weight of her own confession.
Nate scrubbed his hand down his face again. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that. I’m just overwhelmed.” He held her gaze, his filled with as much gut-wrenching, raw pain as she felt. “This is getting us nowhere. I love you, Jewel, and I’m sorry.”
She turned away, unable to bear the sight of him. She heard him fiddling with his keys, then opening the door. Her heart screamed for her to stop him, but her mind told her to stay put. She was stuck in limbo, feeling as though she’d lost her brother all over again—only worse, because now she’d also lost Nate.
Chapter Thirteen
TUESDAY MORNING FOUND Jewel lying on her bedroom floor surrounded by letters from Rick. He’d written to her twice a month the whole time he was overseas, and she’d kept every letter, every envelope. Last night she’d read them over and over again until she had practically memorized them. And now she was staring at them like they held the answers to her pain, when really she was just killing time before she had to leave for her mother’s house to take the kids to school. Nate had said her mother knew he’d sent Rick out on that final mission. Why hadn’t she told her? Jewel had spent the entire night trying to figure that out and trying to find a way to love Nate despite what she now knew, but she still ached like an open wound.
Her phone vibrated and she swiped at it, sending it skittering across the floor. She didn’t want to talk to anyone, and not only did she have to see off her siblings, but she had one of the busiest days of the season ahead of her at Chelsea’s. Every spring Chelsea had a one-day sale, and today was the day. The boutique would be slammed from the minute they opened until they locked the doors at night, and Jewel was expected to smile and be gracious to customers. She had no idea how she was going to pull that off.
She rolled onto her back and held one of Rick’s letters above her, reading through her tears. Dear Sparky—Rick had always called her that. It had started as a joke, calling her Sparkle as a takeoff from Jewel, and somehow the nickname had morphed into Sparky. I know you’re taking care of the babies, so I won’t even ask how you’re doing. Their younger siblings had been so young when Rick had begun taking care of them after their father died that he’d always thought of them as babies. Be sure to do stuff for yourself. Don’t wait as long as I did. I know you’ll pour yourself into them because you feel sorry for Mom, but she’s okay, Jewel. She can handle the kids. Go have fun. Do the things I missed out on. How many times had her mother told her the same thing? About as many times as I rolled my eyes and thought, yeah, right. She continued reading. Things here are good. It’s weird being so far away from home, but when things get tough, Nate pulls me through. I couldn’t get through some of the worst of it without him.
She tossed the letter to the floor and picked up another, skimming over her brother’s slanted handwriting. She set that one down and picked up another. Every letter, without exception, praised Nate in some way. He was strong; he was brave; he was smart.
Smart? He got you killed.
Nate said it was a routine mission. Safe. Was anything safe in war? What was the alternative? Was there one? Could he have sent Rick someplace else? Routine missions didn’t end in death, did they? They wouldn’t be considered routine if they did.
She checked the time. If she left now she’d arrive minutes after her mother left for work, which was perfect. She pushed to her feet, retrieved her phone, and shoved it in her pocket. A quick glance in the mirror made her stomach hurt. Her eyes were puffy, underscored with dark crescents. She tucked her tousled hair behind her ear and wondered why life had to be so hard. Was this some kind of awful test? Hadn’t she endured enough already? How much more did she have to lose before she caught a break?
She wiped the tears from her eyes and grabbed her keys, then headed down to
the parking lot. Nate’s truck was gone. She looked down at her keys and her heart took a nosedive. He’d swapped vehicles last night. She’d fought so hard not to take his truck, and now she’d give anything to have it back.
The interior of her Jeep smelled like Nate. How unfair could this get? She set her purse on the passenger seat, and fresh tears welled in her eyes at the sight of a handwritten note from Nate.
Dear Jewel,
You were right. I was afraid of telling you what I’d done, and I’m sorry for not having the courage to tell you sooner. I never meant to deceive you. I hope one day you’ll find a way to forgive me, but I understand if you can’t. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself. I hope you’ll still bring the kids by Rough Riders on Wednesday. I would hate for them to be disappointed, but I understand if you would rather not have them around me.
Love, Nate
She wiped her tears and tried to remember how to breathe. When her brother died, she’d been able to slip into autopilot and take care of the kids and do what needed to be done despite feeling like she’d lost her left arm. She’d overcome so much, withstood more than any twenty-two-year-old should ever have to, and in one week she’d had her heart brought back to life and then ripped to shreds, and she felt like she’d never recover.
She put the Jeep into gear and drove to her mother’s house, trying to find her way back into autopilot mode, but no matter what she thought of, she saw Nate’s face, heard his voice. She had to get ahold of herself before she reached her mother’s house. She’d forgotten about the canoe rides, but she couldn’t make the kids miss out. She knew they were excited to go. They hadn’t been out to Rough Riders since before Rick left. Thinking of her brother brought even more tears.
She was one hot mess by the time she pulled up in front of her mother’s house. She wiped her eyes, finger brushed her hair, and hurried inside to face the mayhem.
Healed by Love (Love in Bloom: The Bradens) Page 11