“Thanks.” But even though Jewel trusted Chelsea to be compassionate and straightforward, she knew she wouldn’t come by to talk to Chelsea. There was someone else she needed to talk to about this. Someone who had been exactly where she was.
Half an hour later Jewel followed her siblings into her mother’s house. “I almost forgot, Mom’s bringing you guys to the Bradens’ for a bonfire tonight,” she said as the kids ran inside.
“Cool.” Patrick headed straight upstairs to play video games.
“That sounds fun,” Krissy said.
“A bonfire? That sounds fun. Can Katie come over for a little while now?” Tay asked. Katie was their next door neighbor and had been Tay’s closest friend since preschool.
“Yeah, of course, but you know the rules. I have to take Krissy to dance, so you’re either in here with Patrick or in her house. Her mom’s home, right?”
“Uh-huh.” Taylor tore out of the kitchen door toward Katie’s house.
Jewel took dinner out of the freezer and set it on the counter to defrost.
“Mom said we’re ordering pizza tonight.” Krissy came into the kitchen, already changed into her outfit for dance class.
“Oh?” She put the dish back in the freezer beside the others.
“Yup. We’re getting a colossal pizza from Tony’s after dance class.” She grabbed an apple from the fridge. “You can have dinner with us if you want.”
“Thanks, but I have a feeling your pizza might be waylaid by the bonfire. We’ll check with Mom and see. Maybe you’re having dinner before the bonfire? In any case, thanks for the offer, but I think I’m eating dinner with Nate tonight.” She glanced at the clock. “Are you almost ready?”
“Yeah.” Krissy grabbed her dance bag from the closet in the hallway.
Jewel hollered upstairs. “Patrick, we’re going! If Taylor isn’t back in half an hour, call over to Katie’s and make sure they’re still there.”
“Whatever,” he hollered back.
Jewel dropped Krissy off and drove across town. Her nerves prickled as they always did when she neared the cemetery. She parked the car and sat for a minute looking out over the grassy knoll scattered with headstones, which overlooked the town.
When they’d buried her father, Jewel had cried every day for weeks. He’ll always be with you, her mother had said. Then she’d gone into a speech about how those they loved never really left them and that her father would always be watching out for her. When Nate and Rick left for the military, she’d prayed that her father would watch out for them. And when Rick died almost four years later, she’d known that while her father might always be watching over them, he could never protect them.
She’d cried when Rick was killed—only for a few days. She hadn’t had time to be the grieving sister. She’d suddenly become the eldest sibling, and she needed to be strong for her brother and sisters—and for her mother. It was completely different from when her father had died, and she’d learned quickly how to bury her sadness deep enough to be able to function. She’d let that sadness break free only late at night when she was alone and no one would be the wiser. But even that time had been limited. Night after night Krissy and Taylor had come into her room, seeking comfort.
Jewel walked up the hill toward her father’s grave, anger and sadness brewing inside her. She hadn’t been to the cemetery since last November, when she’d come with her family to put flowers on Rick’s and her father’s grave for their birthdays, which were five days apart. She didn’t like being here. Did anyone? She felt a strange sense of guilt when she was in the cemetery. Who was she to walk among the living when her brother and father had lost their lives? Why were they taken away? She wondered if her mother had ever felt that way. They never talked about Rick or her father. So much time had passed that she couldn’t remember exactly why that was. She just remembered it being so uncomfortable that one day she’d stopped trying.
She came to her father’s headstone and allowed sadness to take hold. She was acutely aware of having only an hour and twenty minutes before she had to pick up Krissy, which meant she had an hour to feel and twenty minutes to pull herself together.
Jewel crouched by her father’s headstone, then shifted her eyes to Rick’s, standing six years newer and equally as lonely, beside it. She used to wonder if they were together. If her father had been waiting for Rick when Rick died and if her father had been killed in the boating accident because God knew that Rick was going to be killed and didn’t want him to be alone. But those questions were like circles. There was no beginning or end. There were no answers. It was just one of the vicious cycles she needed to break free from.
Now she was asking another question that wouldn’t be answered. Were they thinking she’d totally screwed up the kids?
Tears welled in her eyes, and out of habit she forced them not to fall. She was so used to steeling herself against her feelings that she had to remind herself it was okay to be sad.
It was okay to miss them.
It was okay to hurt.
No one was watching and learning from her right now. It was just Jewel and her feelings—and that wasn’t a place she was used to inhabiting. Even in her apartment when she was alone at night she felt the pressure to be strong for her family—and the only way to remain strong for them was to know they were safe. Being safe meant living within the confines of her safety zones. Not theirs. Not even her mother’s. Hers.
Why had her mother allowed her to do this to them? Had she ever tried to stop Jewel from being this way? Jewel couldn’t remember. Her life for the last few years was a blur of making sure everyone was okay and getting through each day.
She sank down beside her father’s headstone. “What have I done, Dad? How do I fix it?”
She listened to the birds in the trees and the sounds of cars on the street below. There were no magical answers whispering in her ears or signs from above. She felt a little pathetic sitting there with tears streaming down her cheeks, talking to her father’s headstone. She swiped at her tears, and being the practical girl Jewel was, she tried to figure out what she wanted. Why she’d come.
Her eyes drifted to Rick’s headstone. She missed him so much, and she felt guilty that she was having trouble recalling the things she missed most—his smile, his voice, his laugh. She missed his directness, the way he’d tell her to get over it when she was upset and in the next breath he’d pull her into his arms and hug her tight, reassuring her that things would get better. That reminded her of Nate, but thoughts of Nate were pushed aside when another emotion took her by surprise, and it felt a lot like resentment.
“You left me.” The words came out as a whisper. They were so unexpected that her chest constricted and her hand flew to her mouth. She couldn’t believe she’d been selfish enough to say it aloud.
She looked around at the empty cemetery, as if someone else might have heard her.
Rick didn’t leave me. It wasn’t his choice to die.
The tears that followed came from deep within her. It wasn’t his choice, but he was gone. She’d been left alone to hold the family together, and she’d been barely old enough to hold herself together. Now she’d messed up her family. Guilt and anger consumed her.
Why hadn’t someone warned her? Why hadn’t anyone ever stepped in and said, Hey, Jewel, you’re messing everything up. Take a step back. Let the kids breathe.
Let yourself breathe.
She wanted to breathe. She wanted to breathe so badly that her lungs ached. She’d breathed last night for the first time in what felt like forever. She’d opened up her lungs and her heart when she’d been with Nate, and it was like her entire being was filled with fresh oxygen.
He’d opened himself up to her and allowed her to walk right in, and in doing so, he’d seen through her walls. And instead of avoiding the hurt and pain and backlash of her anger, he’d remained a supportive force of strength and love. He’d stood by her side and helped her face her faults.
And he’d fa
ced his own.
Jewel lifted her chin and drew her shoulders back. It was time for her to face her fears and her faults and to take responsibility for them. She needed to climb out from under the fear of losing another sibling and find a way to let them live their lives and make their mistakes without confining them by the parameters that made her feel safe. The thought made her chest feel heavy, but she willed herself to remain strong, knowing this was necessary and it was what was best for her and her family.
She wanted to live her life, too.
With Nate.
She rose to her feet, wiping the tears from her cheeks, and did what she’d never had the courage to do. “I can’t do it all anymore. It’s not good for any of us. If you are watching over me, I hope you think I’m doing the right thing, but even if you don’t, I do.”
She squeezed her eyes shut against the sting of tears and whispered, “Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Rick.”
She turned, forcing herself to walk away and leave her past behind.
It was time to move toward her future.
Chapter Twenty-One
NATE’S PARENTS LIVED in an old Victorian home on several acres of oceanfront land. They’d renovated the home over the years, but they’d been careful to preserve the character of the house. His parents had a thing about respecting history, and for that reason they’d repaired the old stone wall that edged their lush lawn rather than removing it and replacing it with sloping dirt and dune grass so the transition to the beach would seem more natural. As kids, he and Rick had spent hours jumping off the eight-foot-high wall, and now his mother and Jewel’s were sitting on the wall with their feet dangling over the edge, looking out over the water. Nate stood at the edge of the patio, watching Patrick and Krissy cooking marshmallows over the bonfire while Ty strummed the guitar beside them. Sam, Jewel, and Taylor were standing beside the fire, warming their hands from the cool ocean breeze.
His father and Tempe were heading his way. Tempe’s skirt swished from a breeze that swept off the ocean. She crossed her arms over her chest, and their father draped a thick arm around her and pulled her close. He said something that made Tempe smile and snuggle in closer. As Nate watched those he loved most, he thought of Rick. He wished Rick were there to share in this, but he felt good having thought to invite the rest of Rick’s family. Jewel had been quiet on the way there, but she seemed to have loosened up. They were all having a good time, and he’d never seen Jewel smile so much.
He watched Jewel as his father and Tempe came to his side. Jewel’s eyes danced over her siblings—they had been doing so all evening. Nate remembered Rick doing the same thing after his father had died.
“Things are moving fast, aren’t they, Nate?” his father said, glancing over at Jewel.
It was the first time his family had seen him and Jewel together as a couple. He’d been waiting for this moment for a long time. His father didn’t know that they’d gone to Jewel’s apartment and packed a bag so she could stay at his house for a few nights. He didn’t know Nate hoped tonight was only the beginning and that she’d never want to leave. They had been moving fast—although after waiting to be with Jewel for so long, it hardly seemed fast enough for Nate. He shifted his eyes to his father, who was smiling at him in a way he’d never seen before, as if Nate had somehow jumped the tracks from his kid to his comrade. He sensed that his father somehow did know those things.
“In a good way,” Nate answered. He looked at Tempe, still bundled against his father’s side. “Tempe, you’re the therapist. Are we moving too fast?”
She smiled. “I’m not your therapist. How does it feel?”
His father gave a low laugh. “Just look at him. When’s the last time you saw Nate without a ghost on his back? Son, the minute you walked into the yard holding Jewel’s hand, everything changed.”
“Yeah, Pop. I think you’re right. It feels amazing, Tempe. I still feel guilty about Rick, and I feel a strong sense of responsibility for his family, but he’d written letters to his mom. I guess he knew about my feelings for Jewel all along.”
“And how’s Jewel doing?” Tempe looked in Jewel’s direction just as Jewel met Nate’s gaze.
Jewel lifted her hand in a half wave and smiled. Nate’s chest warmed as he silently blew her a kiss.
“I think she’s okay. Struggling with a few ghosts of her own, but we’re helping each other. We’ll get there.”
“Then it’s not too fast,” Tempe said. “Come on, Dad. Jewel’s heading this way. Let’s give them some privacy.”
“You don’t have to go,” Nate said, although he was glad to have Jewel to himself for a few minutes.
“Go ahead, Tempe. I’ll be right there.” Their father waited until she was out of earshot, then turned his attention back to Nate. “Life can be a real ass kicker, Nate. I’m glad you’re giving yourself a chance to kick back.”
Nate smiled at his candor. “All these years later, do you still regret being medically discharged?”
His father crossed his arms over his chest and lowered his strong, dimpled chin. “I regret not being able to fight for my country in the way I wanted to, but I think you already know that.” He shifted his dark eyes to Nate’s mother, and his full lips curved up in a smile. “But I will never regret one second of the extra time it has given me with your mother and each of you. How about you, son? Do you regret getting out of the military? Does any part of you want to go back and make a career out of it?”
Nate glanced at Jewel, a few feet away. She’d slowed her pace, and he knew she was giving them time to finish their conversation. He reached a hand out to her. She smiled as she came to his side.
Jewel looked deliciously sweet in a pair of white capri pants and a royal blue tank top that made her baby blues pop, staring at him like she couldn’t wait to be in his arms. “No, Pop. I have something better in mind.”
JEWEL WATCHED MR. Braden walk away as Nate drew her in close. She loved being in his arms, and she adored being with his family.
“Are you doing okay? You were quiet on the way here.”
“Yeah. I was just nervous.” She pressed her hands flat against his chest and went up on her tiptoes to kiss him.
“Were you nervous about being here or about bringing your stuff over to my place?” Please say “being here.”
“Being here. I love being with you, and I’m not nervous about being here anymore. I was nervous about this being my first time seeing your family as your girlfriend. It felt like a big step, and I was worried that they might, I don’t know, judge me differently or something.”
“Ah, I see. Because you’re here as my girlfriend. My lover. The woman I hope to ravage later.”
Her heart raced and her body flushed with heat and embarrassment at his sexy words. She stepped in closer and whispered, “You cannot say that here.”
He gathered her in his arms and kissed her. As they drew apart, he touched her cheek, and she was glad for the remaining closeness.
His voice turned serious. “I made a decision about the restaurant, but before it’s final, I’d like your opinion.”
“Okay…” The restaurant?
“I’d like to open Tap It, as Rick and I had planned, but if you feel like it would be too difficult or would stir up too many sad thoughts, I won’t do it.”
Before this second Jewel had had no idea what she felt about the idea of him opening the restaurant, but now she had no question about her thoughts on the matter. She wrapped her arms around his neck and couldn’t resist pressing her lips to his again and again.
“Really?” She felt like she was going to burst, she was so excited.
“Really. So, you’re okay with this?”
“Oh, Nate! This is the best news ever. I can’t think of a better way to honor Rick’s memory than to see his dreams come true.” She kissed him again. “Thank you! Have you told my mom? Can we tell her? Oh my God, she’ll be so happy!”
Nate laughed and hugged her so tightly her feet left the ground. �
�Jewel Fisher, I love you so much.” He pressed his lips to hers. “I would say I couldn’t love you more than I do right this very second, but it’d be a lie, because I know without a doubt that every second will be better than the last.”
He sealed his lips over hers, and Jewel disappeared into the kiss. The din of the others faded away, and all that was left was Nate’s love wrapping around them like a ribbon.
Jewel’s love for Nate had solidified in the hours since she’d left the cemetery, and in the time they’d been at his parents’ house, it had settled in even more. Her love for him had become a bigger part of her, making her feel whole apart from her family. The sensation scared and delighted her—and as they walked across the lawn to join the others and share his news, it made her want more.
For her, for Nate, and for them as a couple.
Chapter Twenty-Two
FRIDAY AFTERNOON JEWEL was standing in the checkout line at American Eagle with an armful of clothes, watching Krissy stealing glances at a boy who looked to be about her age. Jewel’s first inclination was to tell Krissy to stop checking the boy out, but she bit back the urge to squelch what was a natural thing for her younger sister to do, and her mind drifted to Nate. He’d again begged her to stay in bed with him that morning, and she’d wanted to give in. Oh, how she’d wanted to give in. Their bodies had been tangled together after making love. His body was hot, his words tender, and it had taken all of her strength to refuse. She smiled, remembering the playful way he’d chased her into the bathroom and how they’d made love again under the warm spray of the shower.
Her world had changed in so many ways over the past week, even if she still had far to go. She felt like she’d been a caterpillar, inching through life at a slow and careful pace, and now she’d broken free of her cocoon, spreading her wings and discovering a whole new side of herself.
“I still can’t believe you’re letting me buy the dress. Thank you, Jewel.” Krissy’s voice pulled her from her thoughts.
Healed by Love (Love in Bloom: The Bradens) Page 18