My Nerdy Valentine

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  You could have knocked Amanda over with a red vibrator. Were Chester and Mavis ... ? No, impossible. They were bitter enemies. They weren't taking naps in the same vicinity, let alone in the same bed.

  But Gloria had told her that when an older couple took a "nap" it usually wasn't for sleeping. They like midday sex, when they're still energetic enough to do it, Gloria had explained. Amanda decided she'd be better off not thinking about that at all.

  Mavis shoved back her coat sleeve and looked at her watch. "Are you ready? If we don't shake a leg, we'll miss your bus." She stood on tiptoe and peered over Amanda's shoulder. "Will, are you ready?"

  "Sure thing." He came to the door and handed Amanda her purse. "Let's move out."

  The bus ride to Geekland was surreal. Mavis and Chester shared a seat and kept sneaking glances at each other and blushing. Once in a while Mavis would giggle. Then Chester would nudge her shoulder with his, and she'd giggle again.

  Amanda and Will stood nearby holding on to a pole. Amanda tried not to stare, but she couldn't believe these were the same two people who had been feuding ever since she'd moved in last year. Sure, she'd thought they were sweet on each other, but they weren't supposed to do anything about it. Sniping at each other like a couple of preteens was fine with her. This new development was unsettling.

  Will leaned close and murmured in Amanda's ear. "I think they're doing it."

  "I don't want to talk about that."

  "Why not? They're consenting adults."

  "I know that, but it feels very weird." She was too embarrassed to explain that she thought of Mavis and Chester as substitute parents, and a girl wanted people in those roles to be completely asexual. Yes, she'd studied her psychology texts and knew that was unrealistic, but she couldn't help the way she felt.

  "Want me to watch out for them tonight?"

  "Oh, yes, please. They'll be lost at Geekland. Everyone's so much younger than they are, and I doubt they'll know what to make of the trivia and all the crazy drinks."

  "I'll help out."

  "Thanks, Will. And make sure they don't overdo the liquor, okay? I mean, one of them could be diabetic or something. I'll try to keep track, but Saturday night is always busy."

  "It's sweet that they want to come and protect you."

  "I know." She glanced over at Chester and Mavis, who looked so vulnerable and clueless. "But it's not like they're experts on deviant behavior. I think they'll be more of a liability than an asset."

  Will gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Don't worry. I'll make sure nothing happens to them."

  * * *

  It had seemed like a reasonable promise when he'd made it, but two hours into the evening, Will wondered what he'd been thinking, trying to keep track of a couple of golden-agers at a bar. Mavis had plunged into the trivia and organized teams, whether people wanted teams or not. In between rounds of trivia, she divided the customers into three groups and made them sing rounds.

  Meanwhile Chester sat at the bar with a fistful of Geekland coupons he'd clipped from somewhere, and he insisted on using them for drinks, even though half of them had expired. Besides that, the coupons were for ordinary well drinks. Chester had borrowed Leonard's Barmaster and was ordering up all kinds of strange drinks and asking Amanda to apply the coupon to them.

  Will offered to buy him a couple of rounds to get him off the coupon kick, but he said that spoiled the fun. "I'm giving Amanda a challenge," he said. "Expanding her repertoire. When she makes me something, she has to think, and that's good for her."

  "What she's thinking is that you're an impossible old goat," Mavis said. "I don't know what I ever saw in you, Chester Ambrose."

  "You know good and well what you saw in me," Chester said. Then he pinched Mavis on the butt.

  Amanda grabbed Will by the arm. "Did you see that? Please tell him to stop pinching her. I caught him doing it before, and he thinks it's funny."

  "But Mavis seems to like it. She giggles."

  "It's embarrassing. And customers are complaining that they don't want to sing rounds anymore." Amanda poured rum over a bar spoon to top off the drink she was making. "Can you talk her out of that?"

  Will sighed. "I can try. But she reminds me of my thirdgrade teacher, Mrs. Nadworthy, and I was always scared of Mrs. Nadworthy."

  Amanda rolled her eyes. "Fine time to tell me. I thought you were going to watch over them."

  "I am watching over them. They're both in fine shape. They haven't had too much to drink, and they don't seem the least bit lost. I would say they're thriving in this atmosphere."

  "That may well be, but they're also driving me and the other customers insane."

  Will took note of the couple who had just walked in the front door. "You're in luck, because a distraction is on the way."

  "Mavis has total control of that karaoke microphone. Short of a major power outage, I don't know what sort of distraction would help."

  "Try Gloria and Justin. And if I'm any judge of these things, and I think I am, they're doing it, too."

  Amanda watched Gloria and Justin approach. "At least that doesn't make me flinch like it does with Mavis and Chester."

  "It makes me flinch. Justin looks way too happy. He's heading for a fall." Will thought that described his own situation, too. Things were going well with Amanda, too damn well. He was getting used to being with her.

  But logic told him that eventually this stalker thing would resolve itself, and she wouldn't need him anymore. She'd realize that her studies had suffered while she was playing patty-cake with him, and she'd tell him goodbye. He couldn't even hold out hope for them at the end of the semester, because she was going on to graduate school, and after that she'd want to establish a practice.

  All that took concentration, and he was afraid she'd see him as a distraction. She'd ask him—nicely, of course—to vamoose. If and when that happened, he didn't know if there was enough booze behind the bar at Geekland to make him forget her.

  "Will, my boy!" Justin clapped him on the back. "How's life treating you?"

  "Not bad." He looked around for Justin's date for the evening. "Where's Gloria?"

  "She went to the ladies' room to freshen up. We took a cab over, and we enjoyed a little action on the way, if you know what I mean."

  So Will had been right. It hadn't been so hard to guess. The big grin on Justin's face had been enough to clue him in. "Justin, you know how I feel about this. You're going to get yourself attached, and she's only in it for the cheap thrills."

  "These thrills aren't cheap, buddy. She has an arsenal of goodies at her place. I'd hate to estimate the total value, but it's high. She introduced me to a few of her top-of-the-line toys. Did you know there's such a thing as a vibrating cock ring?"

  "No, but I don't think you're the vibrating cock ring type, if you don't mind me saying so."

  "That's how much you know. Gloria says I am, and that's what I choose to believe. Hey, why is everybody singing rounds?"

  "You don't want to know."

  "How's everything going with Amanda?"

  "Good." He glanced toward the ladies' room to make sure Gloria wasn't on her way. "Very good."

  "Yeah?" Justin smiled. "That's awesome, buddy. I wondered if staying in her apartment would be the icebreaker. Sounds like it—"

  "Cut. Here comes Gloria. She can't know."

  "Right. Although she might not care so much anymore."

  "There you are, my two nerdlings." Gloria stepped between them and linked her arms through theirs. "Want to hear my fantasy?"

  "No." Will extracted himself from her grip.

  "I'm not too keen on that one, either, Gloria," Justin said.

  She chucked him under the chin. "My provincial little geek, afraid to try a threesome. Or maybe you'd be fine with it if we made it two women, instead?"

  Will gave Justin a look that said plainly, See what you're in for?

  Justin shrugged. "Two women might be cool."

  "There you go. Maybe I could tal
k Amanda into—"

  "Don't even think about it," Will said.

  "My, my, so protective." Gloria smiled at him. "But you're right. Amanda's too uptight for that."

  Justin smiled at Will but said nothing.

  Will should have kept his mouth shut, too, but he hated hearing Amanda described that way. "She's not—" He stopped himself just in time. "She's not cut out for that kind of thing."

  "Definitely not." Gloria looked at Will more closely. "I do believe there's a tiny hickey on your neck, William."

  Will adjusted his collar and hoped he wasn't blushing. Damn it, his cheeks felt warm. "I pinched myself in the ..." Shit. What explained a hickey other than the obvious? "In the hose from the hand-held shower head," he finished, hoping she'd buy it.

  She laughed. "Creative. I have to say, you're quite the guy, pretending to be Amanda's boyfriend by day and schtup-ping someone else by night. You realize I'm insanely jealous. After all, I asked first."

  Justin edged his way into the conversation. "But it doesn't matter now, right? I mean, you have me, now."

  Will had his hands full deflecting Gloria's curiosity, but he took a moment to feel sorry for Justin. The poor jerk was already wearing his heart on his sleeve.

  "Well, of course I have you, my galloping geek. But that doesn't mean I've forgotten all about Will. My attention span is not that short. So tell me, Will, who's the lucky girl? Anybody I know?"

  "No." Will made sure he didn't glance in Amanda's direction. He couldn't look at Justin, either. He should elaborate, make up some imaginary girlfriend, but he was coming up empty.

  "If it's that receptionist at Cooper and Scott, I'll be insulted. She's not nearly as stacked as I am."

  "It's not her. It's ... someone in my apartment building."

  "Will's notorious about keeping his affairs to himself," Justin said. "He doesn't even tell me half the time."

  Gloria turned to him. "Yes, but did he tell you this time? Because if you know, I'll bet I can coax it out of you. I want to know who my competition is."

  Will kicked himself for confiding in Justin. Gloria probably could coax it out of him using her arsenal of sex toys. Damn it. As he was reviewing his options, one of which involved kidnapping Justin and keeping him locked in a closet for the next couple of days, he saw Tina bring Amanda a package about the size of a toaster.

  It was probably only bar supplies. He was getting paranoid if he thought everything that came to Amanda had something to do with her stalker. Then again, it seemed illogical for bar supplies to be delivered at night.

  "What is everybody drinking?" he asked. "I'll buy the first round."

  "Gin martini, dry," Gloria said. "And don't think buying me a drink is going to make up for you taking some other woman to bed. I will find out, so I can see what I'm up against."

  "But Gloria," Justin said. "You can't have Will and me at the same time."

  "Maybe not at precisely the same time, since you won't consider a threesome, but we're not exclusive, Justin. I thought you understood that."

  Justin looked crestfallen. "I know you said that before, but after what happened today with the flavored oils and stuff, I thought things might have changed."

  Will shook his head in despair. Train wreck. But he had no time to think about Justin's problems. Amanda had started opening the box, and he wanted to be there when she found out what was inside. "Justin, what can I get you?"

  "A Bahama Mama."

  "Are you sure?" All-booze drinks hadn't been a good idea a few days ago, and they were an even worse idea, now. Between liquor and sex toys, Gloria would have the truth about Amanda in no time.

  "Yeah, I'm sure."

  Will couldn't very well refuse to buy Justin's drink of choice. "Be right back." He headed over toward the bar and arrived as Amanda reached into the box and pulled out something wedged by sections of molded Styrofoam.

  He slid onto a bar stool. "What is it?"

  "I'm not sure." She pulled off a section of Styrofoam. "Looks like it's ceramic, maybe a vase."

  Not bar equipment "It was delivered specifically to you?"

  She glanced at him. "Yes."

  "By who?"

  "I don't know. Tina came over and said some guy brought it and left."

  Will stifled the impulse to race out the door in pursuit. He had no idea what the guy looked like. The street would be full of people on a Saturday night, and whoever it was would have melted into the crowd by now.

  Amanda pulled off the rest of the Styrofoam. "Oh, my God."

  Will stared at the ceramic planter in the shape of a pair of jeans. The fly on the jeans was open to allow a penis-shaped cactus to protrude upward. In a different context, especially after a few drinks, it could be sort of funny. Will wasn't laughing.

  Neither was Amanda. Her face grew pale. "Not much question what he's after, is there?"

  "Just remember that he won't succeed." Will began to think in terms of available weapons. His mere presence in her apartment might not be deterrent enough. "Was there a card this time?"

  "I didn't look." She peered into the box. "Yeah, there's a card." She drew in a breath and took it out. The front was a picture of a guy leering at a curvaceous blonde. Across the top of the card was lettered Valentine, you could use some bed rest.

  Trembling, Amanda put her hand over the card. "I don't want to look inside. You read it."

  "Okay." He slid it out from under her hand, opened it, and read silently. You provide the bed and I'll do the rest. Underneath was a printed message. Get rid of the nerd or I'll do it for you. What you need is a real man. Your Secret Valentine.

  He closed the card, folded it, and shoved it in his pocket.

  Amanda gazed at him and swallowed. "Anything new?"

  "Same old shit. Don't worry about it. We'll take some extra precautions when we get back to the apartment."

  "Like what? I don't have a gun or anything."

  Neither did Will. And he was beginning to wonder if that was a serious omission on his part. But buying a gun wouldn't help if he'd never shot one in his life. "We'll figure out a strategy. We're both smart. And I can guarantee we're a hell of a lot smarter than this bastard."

  There was a problem with that logic, but the color was returning to her cheeks so he didn't mention it. He had no doubt that he was smarter than the valentine stalker. But the stalker was obviously a little crazy. Crazy people were unpredictable, and unpredictability could make hash out of any strategy, no matter how smart it might be.

  "I'm glad about one thing," Amanda said.

  "What's that?"

  "That we'll be sleeping in the same bed tonight."

  TWENTY-FIVE

  Although Amanda shivered every time she looked at the planter, she managed to pass the thing off as a joke. Not surprisingly, Gloria loved it. She was the first one with the nerve to touch the cactus. It turned out to be artificial, with soft needles.

  That didn't soothe Amanda, but it made other people far braver. Justin, who seemed determined to impress Gloria with his worldliness, disappeared into the men's room and came out with a condom. Accompanied by enthusiastic encouragement from those at the bar, he opened the packet and rolled the condom onto the cactus.

  Several customers wanted to know where they could get a planter exactly like it, and one woman remembered seeing them on sale at a drugstore chain. Someone else used his cell phone to go online to find a source there. Soon everyone was ordering a cactus planter like Amanda's, which broke up the singing of rounds.

  Other than coming over while she opened the box, Will had made himself scarce during the night. He wasn't acting much like her pretend boyfriend, but maybe that wasn't important anymore. Having a boyfriend hadn't discouraged the valentine stalker.

  Instead the stalker was becoming more aggressive. Now he'd contacted her at Gloria's office, at home, and here at Geekland. He'd covered every place except the university, and she was only there a couple of hours each morning, so he might not think it was wort
h pursuing her at that location. ' To keep herself from freaking out, she drew on her training in psychology. If the stalker was a bully, he would be intimidated by anyone with the courage to stand up to him. Thinking of him as a bully who would fade away when confronted helped.

  But there was also a chance he suffered from a personality disorder. He could be delusional. In that case, standing up to him would do no good. He would only reframe her response to fit into his current fantasy.

  One thing she knew without a doubt. He wasn't giving up. He had a plan, and he would follow it through to whatever conclusion he envisioned. She hoped that sex was the only thing on his mind. That was bad enough, but not quite as scary as the alternative.

  As closing time drew near, the planter was used as a prize for the last trivia contest of the night, which relieved Amanda of having to toss it in the Dumpster outside Geekland's back door. Gloria was overjoyed to win it, but Amanda groaned at the outcome. The planter could easily become a permanent office decoration that she'd have to live with until May.

  Eventually Amanda, Will, Mavis, and Chester boarded the bus and headed back toward the apartment building. Far from looking exhausted, Mavis and Chester seemed ready to party for several more hours. The bus wasn't crowded at this hour, so Amanda and Will took a seat opposite them for the ride home.

  Mavis glanced across the aisle and beamed at Amanda. "That was more fun than an end-of the-year school picnic. I want to go back tomorrow night."

  "Me, too," Chester said. "I have coupons left and I know where I can get more."

  "You're welcome to go if you want." Amanda hoped she hadn't turned them both into barflies. "But tomorrow's Sunday. I don't work Sunday nights."

  Mavis snapped her fingers. "That's right! I knew that, but when you're retired you lose track of days of the week. I forgot it was Saturday already. You didn't go to work at the sex therapist's office today, did you?"

  "No."

  Mavis brightened. "And you had a friend around for a change. What did you two kids do with yourselves all day?"

  Will cleared his throat. "Amanda had a paper due. I helped her with it."

  "Was it a paper about sex?" Chester asked.