Man Enough

by Beth Burnett

  She throws her head back and laughs. “Well, for you, I will shop. I’ll even hold your purse.”

  “What about Lynne and Leah?”

  “They already have their dresses.”

  “What are you wearing?”

  “A tux.”

  “You’ll probably look really hot.”

  “I probably will.”

  I look at her seriously. “I haven’t been a very good friend for the past couple of weeks.”

  “You’ve been grieving. It’s time to rejoin the world now.”

  “I guess.”

  “I’ll make some coffee. You should get up and shower.”

  “I bet I look pretty horrible.”

  “You look pretty horrible.”

  Andy is sitting at the table drinking coffee when I finish getting dressed.

  “Where is everyone?”

  She pushes a cup of coffee toward me. “Lynne went to the grocery store and Leah is at the farmer’s market with your grandmother.”

  “The times they are a-changing.”

  “I wouldn’t get too excited. Leah was pissed off the whole time she was getting ready.”

  “We went over there last week and they argued the whole time.”

  “That was two weeks ago, baby.”

  “I keep losing time.”

  “Anyway, I guess Gram called this morning and wanted Leah to drive her to the market, so she took your car and went over there.”

  “It’s a start anyway.”

  “Things are looking up all over.”

  “Let’s go find a dress.”

  We decide to go downtown and check out the small, locally owned shops. I hate going to the mall and avoid it at all costs. Besides, Andy promised to buy me a grilled cheese at Polly’s if I try on dresses without complaining. We grab a couple of smoothies from a juice bar and walk hand in hand down the street.

  “So, have you talked to Danny?”

  “No.” It still hurts to hear his name. “I haven’t. Leah went to see him a couple of times. She told me she brought him a casserole the other night, like someone died or something.”

  “Does that bother you,” Andy looks at me carefully.

  “No, it’s nice of her to do it. And he doesn’t have anyone else.”

  “I called him.

  I look up at her, surprised. “Really?”

  “Yeah, I just called to see how he’s doing.”

  “How’s he doing?”

  “He’s sad, but getting better. He asked about you. He was upset that you were in hiding.”

  “I wasn’t in hiding.”

  “Whatever.”

  We’re in the third store on the strip. I’ve tried on a bunch of dresses, but they all look horrible on me. My face looks puffy and my stomach looks fat. “I swear I’m the only woman on the face of the planet who gains weight from a broken heart.”

  Andy grins. “You look fine. You’re just puffy from drinking so much last night. Lay off the booze for a day or so and you’ll be back to your normal, beautiful self.”

  She holds up a dress. “Try this one.”

  I catch my breath. It’s gorgeous. Cream colored, plunge front, pleated a bit around the waist to hide my stomach. It has a huge slit up one side. It’s silky and creamy and flowing and beautiful. I touch it. Oh my God, it’s so soft. I take it into the dressing room and pull it over my head.

  “Andy,” I whisper.

  She taps on the door. “Open up.”

  “Andy, it’s … it’s amazing.”

  “Well, open the damn door so I can see it.”

  I open the door and step out, barefoot, into the store.

  “Oh, Davey-baby, you look amazing.”

  “Even with my puffy face?”

  “Even with. That’s the one. Take it off and let’s have them wrap it.”

  “Andy, I can’t.”

  “You have to. It’s perfect. You look perfect.”

  The saleslady creeps up and hands me a pair of shoes. “These go perfectly with that dress.”

  I slip my feet into the heels and look in the mirror. I don’t know how it happened, but I look amazing. Even my face looks less puffy. The slit up the dress shows off one of my legs and the high heel makes it look perfect. I look back at Andy.

  “It’s a beautiful dream. It’s a beautiful two-thousand dollar dream.”

  “It’s on sale, I saw the sign. Ninety percent off. And I’m buying it.”

  “It isn’t on sale and you can’t buy it. Let’s go back to the two hundred dollar range.”

  “All right, well take it off before something happens to it, for Christ sake.”

  I go back in the dressing room and stare at myself in the mirror. It’s a Cinderella moment. I take the dress off and slip out of the shoes with a sigh and hand them both to Andy. “I’ll be out in a second.”

  I try on two other dresses, but neither of them are great. One fits pretty well, though, and I can probably make it work.

  Andy is slouched in an armchair looking bored when I come out. I hold up the dress that fit pretty well. “I think this one would work.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Eh. Let’s go look a couple more places.”

  We wander out and she asks if I want to go to Polly’s for lunch. Of course I do. I hate shopping. Any excuse to take a break is fine with me. I want to go back to the store and buy the blah dress just so we can stop shopping. We walk into Polly’s, wave at Bradley and take a seat near the windows.

  “Davey, promise you won’t get mad.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I bought the dress.”

  “What? The cream one?”

  “I couldn’t help it. It was so perfect.”

  “Andy, you shouldn’t have done that! There is no way I can ever pay you back!”

  “Davey, if you added up all the times you paid for stuff because I didn’t have cash on me, or I didn’t have my wallet, I would owe you way more than two thousand dollars.”

  “First of all, that’s bullshit. And second of all, that’s bullshit.”

  She laughs. “You saved my life and I never repaid you.”

  I look at her coldly. “When?”

  “When we were seven. You threw your bike on that giant girl scout. She could have killed me.”

  I’m in hysterics. “Oh yeah, you were in a lot of danger from those evil seven year-old girls!”

  “They probably thought I was a boy. I think they wanted to rape me.”

  “Stop it.” I throw a salt packet at her.

  We’re interrupted by the waitress. “Hi sugar. What are you eating today?”

  Andy smiles up at her. “Two grilled cheese sandwiches, please.”

  The waitress winks at Andy. “No problem, handsome.”

  I manage to control my laughter until she walks away. Andy smiles ruefully. “What can I say? Some people get it, some people don’t.”

  “You don’t look at all like a man to me.”

  “You’ve known me forever. Some people just don’t pay attention.”

  I shake my head. “You’d think someone who works in place like Polly’s would be able to recognize a butch woman.” I pause to sip my drink. “And anyway, I’m sick of all of the waitresses here always flirting with my dates.”

  Andy laughs. “If only they knew what a bruiser you are.”

  “Back to the subject.”

  “Oh God. Davey, let it go. I wanted to buy the dress for you. It looks perfect. You look amazing in that dress. You’ll be the belle of the ball. Please, please, please just leave it alone.”

  I sigh. “All right. All right. Of course, this means we have to go shoe shopping now.”

  “I bought the shoes, too.”

  I open my mouth to answer, when I see Danny walking toward our table. Andy and I both stand up.

  “Hey,” he says.

  “Danny.” I’m drawn to his face, searching it for changes. He looks a little tired.

  Andy holds out her hand. “Danny, it�
��s good to see you.”

  He shakes her hand and smiles. “Thank you for the call.”

  The waitress squeezes around us to put the food on the table. Andy motions to a chair. “Would you like to join us?”

  Danny looks at me. I nod. “Please, join us if you’d like.”

  “No, thank you. I just wanted to say hello. I don’t want to interrupt your meal.”

  “Danny, you aren’t interrupting.”

  He shakes his head. “Andy it was nice seeing you.” He looks back to me. “Be happy, Davey.”

  I blink back a tear. “You too.”

  I watch him walk away for a moment. “Andy, excuse me, I just need to…” I leave the table before I can finish my sentence. I chase Danny out onto the sidewalk and call his name. He turns around and smiles.

  “Hey, sweetheart.”

  “Danny. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  “It’s fine, Davey. It’s fine. I’ve been hurt before. I’ll recover.”

  I reach out and take his hand. He lifts my hand and kisses the inside of my wrist.

  “I haven’t called you because I wanted to give you time to think.”

  “I have. I’ve done nothing but think. I mean, and drink. I did a little drinking.”

  He laughs. “Just so you know, I’m still in love with you. I still want to be with you. I think, maybe, we could work things out.”

  “I’m sorry. I have thought about it, Danny. I’ve torn it apart, and I just can’t. I’m sorry. But it wouldn’t be fair to you for me to try to pretend.”

  He looks down at our joined hands. “I see.”

  “Danny.” My voice catches. I clear my throat and try again. “I do care about you, though. I loved spending time with you. Maybe, you know, if nothing else, we can be friends.”

  We stand there for a minute, holding hands. He searches my face, then leans forward and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

  “No, Davey. I don’t think we can be friends.”

  I watch him walk away, then I go back into Polly’s. Andy looks up as I slide into my chair.

  “You okay, Davey-baby?”

  “I don’t think so. Andy, I was thinking earlier, you know how you asked me to be with you, you know, as a couple?”

  She shakes her head. “It wouldn’t work.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because you’re looking at it from a rebound point of view. And while I would break almost any rule I have to be with you, because it’s you, I will not let you make a decision that will ultimately make you unhappy.”

  “I don’t think I’d be unhappy. You know, there are a lot of good reasons that you and I would make a great couple.”

  “There are. Unfortunately, the fact that you’re straight makes it a little difficult.”

  “I could learn.”

  “And I could learn to live in a hetero marriage if I absolutely had to. Would I be happy? No. Would I thrive? No. Would I hate myself a little more every day for trying to force myself into being something I’m not. Yes.”

  I sigh and a tear rolls down my face. “I guess I’m destined to be alone.”

  Andy reaches out and takes my hand. “You’re not alone. You’re never alone. But you can’t live a lie just because you think it will make things easier.”

  I laugh a little. “Seems kind of funny that I’m considering living a lesbian lifestyle in order to make things easier.”

  She grins. “Don’t tell that to the religious right.”

  “Maybe I should call Ted the douche-bag.”

  “Maybe you should lie low for a while and get your feet back under you.”

  “You’re right. You’re right as usual.”

  “Well, shopping is done and the dress will be delivered tomorrow. We are off the hook. What do you want to do next?”

  “Watch movies and eat a crapload of ice cream.”

  “Not a chance. Why don’t we change clothes and go on a hike through the Metroparks?”

  “That sounds horrible.”

  “Come on, getting some exercise will cheer you up. Besides, you need a little sun. You look like a ghost.”

  “All right, fine. Just don’t lose me in the woods.”

  “Never in life.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  “This stupid bow tie looks ridiculous on me.”

  Andy is at my front door, looking incredible in her tuxedo. The jacket is fitted just enough in the waist to show off her slender physique. The pants are perfectly tailored, too.

  “No it doesn’t. Come here and let me straighten it.” I step forward and straighten the tie. “Wow, you look amazing.”

  “So do you. I love that dress on you.”

  I spin around the give her the full effect. “And wait until you see Leah and Lynne.”

  Sarah knocks on the door and walks in behind Andy.

  “Hi, ladies.”

  “Sarah. Good to see you.” Andy turns around and shakes her hand.

  “Hi, Sarah.” I give her a brief hug. I can’t say that I’ve completely forgiven her for her drunken breakdown, but having just spent a couple of weeks in hell, I have to cut her some slack. I could imagine me falling into a drunken stupor. In fact, I did. A couple of times.

  Girls’ night this past Thursday was pretty fun. We’ve opened the group to include Leah. She’s not a bad mother, but more important, she’s a great friend. She’s stood by me through all of this crap with Danny, and has never said a word in judgment against me. We went to Janie’s and I introduced my mother to all of the regulars. Of course, she was a hit. Watching her with all of those people, I think I finally figured out why Leah is so popular. She loves people. She really cares about them through all of their foibles and faults, through their mistakes and their successes. Leah believes that people are good and she wants good for them. I think people can sense this. I can’t believe it took me forty years to figure it out, but I love the hell out of her.

  Sarah walks in and sits down. She has a corsage for Lynne. Andy looks startled. “Should I have brought you a corsage?”

  “Are you crazy? You’re not sticking anything into a two thousand dollar dress!”

  Sarah laughs. “So, I guess you’ll be avoiding the spaghetti tonight then?”

  Leah walks into the room with a camera. Sarah and Andy both compliment her profusely. She does look amazing. She has braided her hair into this incredible puzzle of crisscrossing pieces. It looks like something from a Renaissance festival. She’s wearing a simple black one shoulder dress, with an attached cape. She looks phenomenal.

  “Leah, you are gorgeous,” Andy says, kissing her on the cheek.

  “You don’t look so bad yourself, Andy.” She turns to Sarah. “And you look gorgeous, too, Sarah.”

  Sarah nods her head and smiles. She does look good, in a butch sort of way. She’s wearing a dark gray suit, with a silk shirt and a red tie. She looks very handsome.

  So, yeah, Sarah and Lynne. Strange story. Apparently, they’ve decided to keep dating for a little while. Lynne is not going to move right back in, because she thinks living together is what ruined their sex life. She’s been staying here and she and Sarah see each other a couple times a week. I was not thrilled when I found out, but I guess I can deal with the crowd for a while longer. Besides, it’s not like I’m getting any. Christ, my mother has had sex more recently than I have. To be fair, I’m really not looking for it right now. Andy was right. I need to take a break for a while. Falling in love and losing that love, for whatever reason, is hard on a person’s psyche. I need to regroup. Lynne offered to set me up with a guy she knows, but considering how much time she and Sarah have been spending with the trans support group, I don’t think it’s a very good idea.

  Andy puts her finger under her tie and runs it around. “This thing is suffocating me. You tied it too tight.”

  “Let me see. It’s fine. Stop whining.”

  Leah laughs, delighted. “This reminds me of prom night.”

  Sarah looks at Leah.
“Prom night? Did these two go to prom together?”

  “Well, Davey and the boy she was seeing at the time had just broken up.”

  “Wait a second. Let’s tell the whole story. Kevin Newton broke up with me one week before prom because that bitch head cheerleader asked him to go. And the only reason she asked him was because she hated me!”

  “Not that you’re still bitter twenty-two years later,” Andy says, grinning.

  “Anyway, Davey was distraught. So Andy said that she would take her.”

  Sarah smiles. “How did that go over?”

  “Not well, as you can imagine. Andy had long hair back then, even though she was a big jock. But she cut her hair into a boy’s hairstyle, bought a suit and took Davey to the prom.”

  “She looked very dashing,” I add.

  “So what happened?” Sarah asks.

  “They got to the prom and the principal sent them home.”

  “What? Did you guys sue?”

  “No way. You know how it was back then. We were already outcast for being lesbians. Or, to be exact, for me being a lesbian and Davey being an alleged lesbian.”

  “So that was it?”

  “No, we went back to Gram and Gramp’s house. Leah brought down her record player and a bunch of records and played music for us. We danced for hours.”

  “I had forgotten about that,” I said. I glance at Leah, tears shining in my eyes. “I don’t think I appreciated you enough.”

  “Don’t cry, darling, you’ll ruin your makeup.” She gives me a kiss and pushes a strand of hair out of my eyes. “I always loved you. From the moment you were born. You were and remain the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  Andy wipes her eye. “Andrea Eriksson,” I say, amazed. “Are you crying?”

  “Of course not. I had something in my eye.”

  “Of course.”

  “You know, you have to hand it to Gram and Gramps, too. They let a known homosexual move into their house.”

  “Andy, you make it sound so horrible. You’re gay, not a criminal.”

  “People didn’t see it that way, then. Gram and Gramps put themselves out there by taking me in.”

  Leah shrugs. “I guess I can give them that much.”

  I smile at her. “Leah, come on. You’ve spent a couple evenings with the old folks this past week.”