Never and Always

by Khardine Gray

  “Why would you do this to me?” Nick needed to ask, he had to know because it was crazy. Crazy and cruel. Nick thought Glenn was his friend. He was like a brother to him, and just like that he’d turned on him. All because he didn’t want him to be with Mia.

  “I just told you. You aren’t good enough for her, Nick. I’m trying to show you why. It is as simple as that. I didn’t tell you before to spare your feelings, but I’m done with you,” Glenn snarled. “My sister is a sweet, innocent woman who allows her heart to get in the way. She always has. If you have any genuine feelings for her ask yourself this—what kind of man would think he was good enough for a woman like that if he was responsible for his own father’s death? Ask yourself!” Glenn shouted.

  Nick couldn’t answer, he couldn’t think. Glenn’s words weakened him, opening wounds that went deep into the pit of his soul.

  Glenn had the audacity to smile. “Good, you look like you’re finally beginning to see things my way. Now tell her it’s over, or I assure you I will literally destroy you.” Glenn stared him down as he walked out, leaving him. His words echoing in Nick’s mind.

  He wasn’t good enough for Mia.

  Nick slammed his fist into the wall, feeling distressed. The darkness of the past had started worming its way into his mind and working its way through his body. That dark place that nearly killed him years ago swamped him like a mass of negative energy, and in his mind’s eye he could see his father dying all over again. It was clear, so very clear. Those memories had never faded from his mind, they’d just been pushed to the back so he could deal with what had happened. But they were never far, and just now Glenn reminded him of the guilt that riddled his soul.

  Nick’s world had changed forever when his father was killed.

  He’d been stupid to think he could escape it, a fool to think that by simply pushing it to the back of his mind he’d be able to have some kind of a normal life.

  It was true. He wasn’t good enough to be with Mia. It was true, and that was why Glenn cautioned him all those years ago.

  Glenn saw him as the arrogant, selfish idiot who got his father killed. Of course he wouldn’t want him to be with his sister. There was no question in it now. No cause for wonder.

  But how was he going to end it with Mia? The thought made his heart break into several pieces. It made his soul shatter.

  She’d be so hurt, so heartbroken, and it would be because of him. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not when he felt like this. They’d been together for days, but in his mind it was years. The whole time.

  It was always.

  Glenn knew the significance of that day. That he would use it against him to highlight how unsuitable he was for Mia was pure evil. But he, Nick, couldn’t deny that he spoke the truth.

  It wasn’t just the worry over him taking advantage of Mia. Glenn didn’t want Mia to be with Nick because he saw him as a bad person.

  The guy who got his father killed.

  It was true, that was true, and Mia deserved better.

  Chapter 13

  Mia rushed back home, kicking herself for leaving her phone.

  She was so excited that Nick was coming back that she thought she’d rush out to the store to grab what she needed to make him a great big feast. He loved lasagna and had told her that, next to his mother’s, hers was the best he’d ever had.

  Such a compliment was definitely the kind of thing that could make a girl’s head swell with delight.

  She placed the grocery bags down in the kitchen and made her way up to Nick’s room, eager to see him. All she could think of was being in his arms.

  It was crazy that she’d only seen him yesterday, but it felt like eons to her.

  The door was open so she ran straight inside. When she saw him sitting by the window with a large rucksack on the floor next to him, her nerves spiked. She looked about the room and drew in a breath when she saw that his things were all packed up.

  Everything was packed, some in boxes.

  “Nick…” She returned her gaze to him and found he was already looking at her with huge, sad eyes.

  He stood up and walked over to her, then stopped just a few breaths away. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him look so drained in all the time that she’d known him.

  No, wait. She remembered. He looked similar after his father died. That was how he looked. Something must have happened.

  “Where are you going?” she asked, unable to hide the panic in her voice.

  “Mia, I have to go away.” He could barely look at her.

  “Where? Why? I don’t understand.” She looked at him, searching his eyes. “Did something else happen with Alan?”

  From what he’d told her earlier it sounded like the police had Alan in custody and would deal with everything else from there.

  “I’ve been thinking that, it’s best if we…”

  She stared at him waiting for him to finish, waiting to hear what he had to say, feeling her heart being pushed over the edge of hell.

  “What? What, Nick?”

  “We can’t be together.”

  His voice sounded so far away, like a distant echo. Like it wasn’t real. She felt light headed. Dizzy, as all the air left her lungs and the blood drained from her.

  She shook her head, not understanding, not accepting. “Why? Why can’t we?” her voice sounded frail.

  “I don’t think that we should be together.”

  “That’s it? You can’t give me more than that?”

  “I can’t. I… Look, this is for the best. It is.”

  She looked at him, feeling her heart squeeze within her as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “You said always. It wasn’t true?” She believed him.

  He closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them again, a small tear ran down his cheek. He opened his mouth to answer but didn’t say anything. He just walked back over to the window, picked up his bag and left.

  That was it; that was all. Nothing more.

  It was as if the magic they’d shared over the last few days never happened.

  Mia broke down the minute she heard the front door close.

  She hated going to Claire’s house when she was so upset. She hated not being her normal, happy self that would visit with goodies and girly films.

  Today, Mia couldn’t even pretend that things were okay. But Claire being the great friend that she was took her into her arms the minute she saw Mia on her doorstep and saw how torn up she was.

  Mia told her everything. Yesterday she hinted at being with Nick and promised to tell her all that had happened. Today it was all that had happened and more.

  “Mia,” Claire began, wrinkling her nose. “That sounds completely off to me. It doesn’t sound like Nick.”

  Mia couldn’t think about what sounded right or wrong, or if it was like Nick or not. All she knew was what happened. That was what she had to work with, and it had stunned her to the core. She might not have been with Nick for very long, but them being together didn’t just happen overnight and she felt like she’d had her heart ripped out of her chest. Every time she remembered what he said to her she hurt, her soul quivered with the loss and lack of understanding.

  “Mia.” Claire rested a supportive hand on Mia’s shoulder but she was crying too much to answer. “It just doesn’t make sense. Before he went to Florida things were fine. He then came back and broke up with you?” Claire was shaking her head.

  Having it said like that highlighted the weirdness in the whole damn situation. Nothing made sense. Nothing at all.

  What an awful time she was having. First Alan, now Nick. The thing was, Alan wasn’t anything to her, and honestly, it was loneliness that drew her to him. He was different to the usual types of men she went for, so she thought why not. She gave him a chance. But he’d screwed her over.

  She didn’t even think about their relationship when she discovered his deceit, other than to reason that it was part and parcel of the plan.

&
nbsp; Nick, on the other hand, was a different matter. She’d always felt like this.

  This. Why was she calling it this?

  The feelings she had for Nick had a name. It was love. That was why she was so torn up. That was why she felt so devastated.

  It was because she loved him.

  “I don’t know what to say, Claire,” she attempted against the tears.

  “Something must have happened in between the time that he left and came back.”

  “Claire, maybe it’s best if I just accept it and leave it alone. I don’t want to hope. I don’t want to see something that’s not there and end up feeling worse than I already do,” Mia cried, wiping away her tears.

  “I understand, and normally I would definitely agree. It’s just that it’s odd. Can’t you see that, Mia?”

  “I can, but I don’t have the strength to try and find out what this is about. I don’t even know where he is.”

  “Glenn must know. Ask him,” Claire nodded.

  Glenn was probably the best person to ask, but if she asked and he told her, what would she then do with that information? Could she go and see Nick and find out what the hell was going on?

  Or should she leave it and accept that he didn’t want to be with her.

  The thought brought more tears with it.

  “I’m so tired, Claire. I can’t breathe.” She put her hand to her chest and broke down. Claire pulled her into her arms to comfort her, but all Mia felt was that void that filled her from the minute Nick told her he didn’t think they should be together.

  It was amazing how bad memories could overpower the good ones. It was the bad ones that tended to be clear while everything else faded.

  Nick flicked through scenes of his past in his mind, trying to grab onto happy memories. Memories of his parents, his mother and father who loved each other fiercely and loved him even more.

  He thought of time spent by the beach when they lived in L.A., time spent with his grandparents, holidays and vacations. But it was all a blur, and so unlike the clear image he had of the day his father died.

  He remembered everything about that day, from what he ate to the impending feeling of doom and the coppery smell of blood.

  There was so much of it. It literally poured from the wound his father had sustained from the gun shot.

  Nick had just turned twenty and was back from college for the summer break. He’d heard some of the guys he used to hang out with were back, too, so he thought he’d go see them at the usual hang out, an old garage on the edge of the city. It was deserted and near the park. Perfect for what they used to get up to.

  Bob Shelby was the ring leader and the guy to get your buzz from. Name any kind of drug and he could get it for you. Nick was never into drugs the way he was, he could stop when he wanted to for longer periods of time. Bob couldn’t and even became a dealer. Nick didn’t know how he managed to get himself mixed up with such a crowd, but he was well into the mix by then.

  What was ironic was Nick’s father was a very notable police detective, who was well known all over the city for the work he did in the community. As a Marine, he’d won several awards and medals when he served his country. He was a man of honor.

  Except for Glenn, immediate family, and the loser friends Nick used to hang out with, no one knew Nick had a drug problem. It started when he was seventeen at the party where he met Bob.

  While Nick had always had the greatest respect for his father, he never listened to him. His father thought he had the skills for the Marines and encouraged him to try it after college because Nick was so hell bent on having the college experience and being away from home, living life. But Nick thought the old man was just trying to relive his glory days through him.

  His mother worried night and day that that wild streak Nick had would land him in trouble, and it nearly killed her when she found out he was into drugs.

  It was actually Glenn who told her, but it wasn’t for malicious reasons. Glenn ended up telling both his parents after a particularly bad night when Nick ended up in the hospital after trying something he wasn’t used to. He still, to this day, didn’t know what the hell it was. Glenn saved him, though. If not for Glenn, Nick was certain that he wouldn’t be alive today.

  While Nick was away at college, Bob had been arrested several times, but he’d never been placed in long-term custody because the cops didn’t have enough evidence on him to pin him down for possession or supplying.

  Unbeknownst to Nick, they were watching Bob. Watching and tracking, and waiting for the perfect time to grab him. And what was worse was Bob had gotten involved with the big guy, the serious drug lords who didn’t mess around. And if you crossed them, it meant sure death for you. That was why Nick’s father had been adamant that he had no dealings with Bob whatsoever.

  At twenty, Nick thought his old man had lost his mind, trying to tell him what to do. He’d been away from home and was an adult who didn’t need his parents to tell him who he could be friends with.

  That hellish day Nick didn’t even stop at home for an hour before he made his way to meet Bob, who’d messaged him about an opportunity to make money that night. Nick was with Glenn when he got the message and Glenn immediately saw the danger in it.

  Nick didn’t, and despite his parents’ forewarnings and Glenn’s worries, he went to meet Bob.

  Little did he know that Bob would have some new friends who were bad news. New friends he’d pissed off in the worst way possible by not doing what they wanted him to.

  Nick arrived when they were at the height of their argument, and his attempts to defend Bob immediately made him a target. He didn’t know that the new friends were stacked out with guns.

  The main guy raised a gun to him the minute Nick voiced his defense of Bob, ready to kill him.

  Even now, Nick could remember staring at the cold steel of the gun and thinking it was going to be his last few seconds on Earth. But as the gun fired, the bullet never caught him.

  He remembered being shoved out of the way so hard his shoulder felt like it dislocated, and it was only when he hit the ground that he saw his father there, too.

  He was on the ground with blood pouring out of his chest, his own gun raised in the air as he’d fired it at the guy who tried to kill Nick.

  Nick’s father had managed to shoot him and his squad had moved in on the rest of guys, who mostly surrendered after seeing they were heavily out numbered.

  The scene was chaos, people were everywhere, but Nick zoned in on his father, who had saved him and had taken a hit doing so. He’d never moved so fast in his life. Nick rushed over to his father feeling panic and worry weigh down on him like a fifty-ton truck had dropped on his shoulders.

  Nick tried to pick him up off the ground but his father protested and insisted on staying down. The bullet had caught his father right near his heart and there was too much blood gushing out of him to stop it. The movement had caused more to flow.

  His father being the tough guy he was tried to talk to him through the searing pain.

  He said, “Look after yourself and mother for me, son. And please stay out of trouble. Drop these people.”

  “This is all my fault,” Nick had said. “All my fault.”

  “Don’t you dare blame yourself!” his father shrieked, grabbing onto him. “Don’t do it. That is an order, boy. A father’s duty is to protect his family. I love you. Now promise me you’ll do as I ask.”

  “I promise,” Nick told him.

  His father smiled at him, ripped off his dog tags from around his neck, and handed them to Nick. The minute he took them, he saw his father’s eyes roll back in his head and the life leave his body. That was when his world changed.

  Nick would never forget that moment as long as he lived. It was one of those moments in life where it scarred you and left its mark with the memory. His punishment was to relive the day forever.

  It was Glenn that notified his father that Nick had gone to see Bob. Glenn got scared for him
and did the only thing he felt he could do by alerting his father.

  Glenn saved him, but Nick’s life came at a price that would never be repaid.

  Despite his father’s guidance, Nick blamed himself. Especially when he saw how the grief got to his mother. Even though she never said it, he knew she blamed him, too, and it took her several years before she could speak to him again and look him in the eye with that motherly love he was desperate for.

  It wasn’t until Nick graduated college and joined the Marines that things started to feel better. Before that, he went through some serious grief that affected him in ways he couldn’t describe.

  It was Glenn that helped him through it all. He was there all the time, any time he needed him, always reminding him not to blame himself, always telling him it wasn’t his fault and that his father did what he had to do to save him.

  It was that special attention and that priceless care that made him back off the night when Glenn first told him to stay away from Mia.

  The same feelings for Mia flowed through him then. It was worse now. His feelings had amplified into something he couldn’t control. Just from those few short days. It was like adding fire to gasoline, it took no time whatsoever to explode and turn into a ferocious blaze of heat that would consume everything in its path.

  One week and five days.

  That’s how long it had been since Nick last saw Mia. Since that shit day when Glenn stabbed him in the back and brought the darkness back into his life.

  He couldn’t believe this was the same Glenn. His friend.

  God, it was a sick joke.

  Nick had found an apartment near work, but hadn’t been to work and hadn’t seen anyone.

  Sawyer had called him several times but Nick didn’t answer, and he never returned his calls.

  He didn’t even know what became of Alan and his brother. Nick had just cut himself off from everything and everyone, even Mia.

  She didn’t call. He never truly expected her to, and he didn’t want her to. He did, however, hope she would. It was okay. She was better off without him.