MInE: A Hate Story

by Andie M. Long

  When Mel encouraged me to attend the street poker evening, she had no idea what a can of worms she’d opened. When Edward opened the door, my jaw dropped to the floor. He’d really not changed that much from the young scout who’s dick I’d fondled. He confessed to having kept tabs on me, asking people we knew where I was and what I was doing. He told me he’d stood outside the church on my wedding day and wept. He said I’d been the only person to have ever given him love. I was confused at first. We’d been teenage boys experimenting, that’s all, but then the other men on the estate had gone home and left Edward and me alone.

  He’d held my face in his hand tenderly, leaned over and kissed me.

  After having only ever kissed Mel other than Ed, he took my breath away. His mouth was firm on mine. Not the softness of Mel’s but hard, commanding. Hunger opened within me that I’d never experienced before. Want. Need.

  Edward had taken me to his bedroom, laid me down against his sheets and moved over me. We’d kissed hard for hours. His hands had roamed my body and mine his. He took my rock-hard cock into his mouth and sucked me off. I’d loved it, and I loved it even more when he lubed my arsehole and his cock, and he took me there. He faced me as he did it and it was like I’d made love, finally, like a woman. I knew then that I needed Edward. But I owed Mel. She’d been my constant all my life, and I couldn’t imagine life without her. Edward needed to be my dirty little secret – for now.

  I told Mel we could try for a baby. I’d put the idea off as I didn’t want a child brought into a world where their father didn’t know who the hell he was. But I felt I owed her. The guilt consumed me. I wanted my cock serviced by Edward, but I’d fuck Mel with it, pretending it was Ed’s mouth. She was overjoyed when she found out she was pregnant. I couldn’t imagine being a father, and I resigned myself to the fact that I’d handle it when it arose. Mel understood when I said I didn’t want to make love to her for the health of our unborn child. Of course, it was a complete fiction. I had no more interest in shagging Mel. I was obsessed with Edward, with whom I was exploring the part of myself I’d not fully understood for years.

  People expect transgender people to have a particular sexual orientation. Oh, he’s now a woman. So he should like being fucked. It’s so narrow-minded. Just like anyone else’s sexuality, I find I’m attracted to a person, rather than what they have. I identify as a woman, and when I finally had my reassignment surgery, I physically became the person that I’d always identified with. Edward and I were able to make love as a man and woman, though Edward would still take me anally. For him, I was a person he’d fallen in love with, regardless of my sexual gender.

  Edward was a complex man. How complex I didn’t realise until we became a couple. After Mel’s accident, my grief was crippling. I felt responsible for the death of an infant Mel had wanted from being small. She’d discovered my secret and had lost everything that night, and very nearly her own life.

  She was in hospital for months. I waited for her family to visit and tell me what a disgusting individual I was. A pervert.

  But Mel came back, and the only thing she wanted was the house. She didn’t want me. She negotiated through solicitors, and we divorced. She’d ignore me in the street. I wanted to move, but Edward said we were going nowhere. This was our home, and once Ed made his mind up about something there was no reasoning with him. The truth was that our quiet crescent became a place of safety for me. The game nights and neighbourly drinks had ceased. Everyone kept to themselves, and I was left to become Inez. I’m not sure why Ed chose that name for me. He just said he liked it. I’d always thought I’d choose my own name and imagined being called Lynne, but Ed didn’t like that. It was easier to please him. I was happy when Mel married Dave and became a mother to his children. I’d taken away the chance for her to become a biological mother and she excelled at looking after those two girls. I’d watch her from the window when she wasn’t looking.

  If she saw me and Edward in the street, she looked through us. It was hard having known her for all those years. Her knowing everything about me except for my sexual identity and in some ways, not really knowing me at all. But we’d shared the best parts of our lives together and her not being in mine was a strange loss, a bereavement almost. Edward wouldn’t listen when I tried to talk to him about it. When I’d seen the counsellor prior to my surgery, I’d been able to explore it a little. So many opposing feelings in my mind, it was enough to drive me crazy. So, I stayed within my well-ordered life with Edward. Finally able to be the woman I’d always wanted to be, with my regimented but steady husband.

  But then he’d got a new assistant. At first, nothing changed, but then she started taking his phone calls. Alarm bells sounded. Edward never relinquished control to anyone. The only times he gave himself over was inside my hand, mouth, pussy or arsehole at the time of release. Suddenly Sam was answering his phone and Edward was unavailable.

  He became angry with my suspicion and paranoia, our once ordered household becoming a place of argument. But Edward had never shown interest in anyone but me. When the photo arrived in the post showing a slim, blonde woman I’d lost it and thrown crockery and glassware. She was so womanly. A woman who looked stunning and too good to be real. Bright blue eyes. Beautiful bone structure. A perfectly honed gym body. Glowing tanned skin. Impressive tits. She was the total opposite of me with my brown curly wig and six-foot frame. My hair looked pathetically thin and wispy when I’d tried to grow it, so I’d had to cope with the heat and itchiness of wigs to become the Inez of Ed’s dreams.Hormones had given me A-cup breasts and thickened my waist, but exercise would have made me feel more masculine, so my body was soft, my thighs wobbly. Sam was in her twenties, myself approaching fifty. I imagined Edward was having a mid-life crisis, though he was only two years older than me. He was going to take Sam as his younger lover, and I would be alone. The freak show. All by myself.

  He was angry. Told me I was being stupid. That there was no one else for him but me. He said she’d left and that he wouldn’t be seeing her again. For my sake, he’d let her go.

  I believed him. Until the phone call. Now my whole world has fallen apart, and I didn’t know what to do next.

  I thanked my lucky stars that God brought Selma into my life. I am no longer alone. I have a friend I can seek advice from. Thank goodness she’s here.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Selma

  1 September 2014

  After I left Edward last night, I spent the evening at my apartment. It was lovely to work through a yoga video. To stretch out all my muscles. Then I relaxed and watched a DVD. I sent a text to Inez, checking in and telling her I’d be around in the morning.

  So here I am now. She’s getting me a glass of water. There are photos of Bounty strewn across the sofa, but not one photo of her and Ed. That strikes me as strange.

  She walks back in and hands me my drink.

  I make my voice sound soothing. ‘So, a stupid question I know, but how have you been?’

  She sniffles. It’s most unsightly and most definitely Jarrod. He never could be arsed to fetch a tissue.

  ‘Ed won’t answer my calls. I’d feel better if I could see him or speak to him but his phone goes to voicemail, and that bitch won’t tell me where they are.’

  ‘He can’t stay away forever. He’ll need his belongings at some point.’

  Her face falls as if the thought of him leaving her has only just come to mind.

  She turns to me, her mouth quivering. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  I lightly touch her shoulder. ‘Well, do you want to fight for him or kick him out?’

  She looks down and swallows. ‘I honestly don’t know.’

  I stroke her arm. ‘There’s nothing to say you have to decide right now. Just get on with your normal day as best you can and make decisions when they need to be made.’

  Inez chews on a fingernail then she stops herself and pulls at an imaginary thread on her top. ‘Can I talk to you? Properly talk t
o you? There’s something I want to check out.’ Her voice comes out shaky.

  ‘Of course,’ I say, moving closer. What is she about to divulge?

  ‘I-I’ll understand if this drives you away and you never want to see me again, but well, I-I’m transgender.’ She lets out a deep shaking breath. ‘I was born male, although I’ve mainly identified with being female.’

  Fucking what? Mainly identified? Liar.

  I attempt to stay outwardly calm. Breathe, Mel, breathe.

  ‘Really? It did cross my mind,’ I tell her. ‘You’re so tall, and I can tell you wear a wig, but I didn’t know for definite. It’s not highly obvious like you see with some trans.’

  Inez sits back, a frown on her face. ‘But you seem so accepting of it. Doesn’t it bother you? I thought you’d have left by now.’

  I look at her as if she’s stupid, which she is, but not for this reason. ‘Absolutely not. I think my generation are a lot more accepting. I’ve slept with women as well as my husband,’ I lie. ‘It’s about falling in love with a person not what gender they’ve been officially assigned.’

  ‘Oh, my God, that’s exactly how I feel. I really do believe fate sent you my way, Selma.’

  God, I want to suffocate her with a cushion.

  ‘So, you say you’ve always identified with being female? That must have been hard growing up.’

  She sits back on the sofa. ‘It was. I had no one to confide in. Things were different back then. I didn’t believe anyone would understand. They’d have called me a freak.’

  ‘Didn’t you have a best friend? Oh, guys don’t really do that, do they?’

  Inez gazes into the distance before returning her eyes to mine. ‘I had an amazing friend who later became my wife.’

  ‘You were married to a woman?’ I act shocked.

  ‘For a short while.’ She takes a sip of her tea. ‘She was my best friend through school. Always had my back.’

  ‘So, why didn’t you tell her?’

  I’m desperate to know the answer to this question. Why she made my early life a joke and a waste of time.

  She slides her finger around the top of her cup as she speaks. ‘She loved me, and I loved her. Mel spoke about getting married from the moment we met at age five, and she seemed my soul mate. She just got me, well the me I showed. I was born male, I expected to have to stay male. People didn’t suspect my gender identity issues because I was always with Mel.’

  ‘But didn’t she guess? Sorry to get personal but what about sex?’

  ‘That’s one of the things people don’t understand about being transgender if you don’t mind me saying. I physically and mentally identify with being female, but I enjoyed sex with Mel when I had a penis. At least, I thought it was okay. It’s just that, well, we’d been together and never known anything else. When I met Edward, it was all consuming. I fell head over heels. When I’d lived with him for a few years and had my reassignment surgery, my life became complete.’

  I want to be sick. The confirmation that he no longer has his manhood. I know he’d alluded to it, but it shocks me that it’s no longer there. The parts that made our baby: his cock and balls, and my womb, gone forever, just like our daughter.

  ‘Wow, I can’t imagine. So, how do you get to enjoy sex?’ I put my hands over my mouth. ‘Sorry, that’s so rude of me. I’m so intrigued by the whole thing. You’re amazing you know. So brave.’

  Inez smiles. ‘I’ve never felt brave. I’ve always felt a coward. I used Mel to hide my true self, and in some ways, I’ve hidden while I’ve been with Ed.’

  ‘Well, maybe while Ed sorts out what he’s doing, you should take some time to think about what you want?’

  ‘Yeah.’ She nods her head. ‘Absolutely. I should. Anyway, would you like me to explain about the surgery? That’s if you’re interested. I hope you’re not squeamish.’

  ‘Would you? I’m intrigued. I may pull faces a little, but I’ll try to behave.’ I laugh.

  ‘Okay, so I had hormone therapy, something which continues to this day. It helped me grow my breasts and made me more womanly, though like you say, at six feet tall, that’s not something easily achieved. I had extensive counselling prior to my surgery. Ed supported me every step of the way.’

  ‘That’s good.’

  ‘So, in the surgery, they slice the penis and remove the internal penile tissue.’

  ‘Ew,’ I say, grimacing, and this time my reactions aren’t false.

  ‘They removed my testicles, although they used the scrotal tissue to make my vaginal lips. They turned the penile skin inside out and stitched it back up. It’s so clever, there’s a piece of erectile tissue that they push through the slit, and that makes the clitoris. They constructed a urinary opening and used my abdominal muscles to make my vagina contract. I was in bed for a week and had to have a catheter. The pain was excruciating.’ She looks at me and sighs. ‘I’ll not go into it any further because I can see it’s a lot to take in.’

  I grab her hand and squeeze it, then let go. ‘Sorry, I have so many questions. You have the parts, but I guess you can’t come, right?’

  ‘No, I absolutely can. The stub of penile tissue they use as a clit is fully functioning. Ed and I made love after about eight weeks, and I was able to climax. That’s when I realised that although I’d enjoyed sex with Mel…with Ed, and my being in the body I’d always identified with, well, it was mind-blowing.’

  Part of me wants to smash his cunt up with a baseball bat, but another part of me is strangely inquisitive, especially when he’s admitting how he felt when he was with me. I won’t allow myself to think about all this right now. I’ll block it until I get back to my apartment. I’m here to fact find. That’s my aim.

  ‘So how did Mel take the news of your surgery?’

  Inez casts her face downward. ‘She never knew. We divorced after she caught me with Ed. She never spoke to me again. Her parents said I was dead to her. I was never able to tell her how sorry I was.’ She looks up. ‘Is it okay if we change the subject now? I feel exhausted. I will talk about it more another time.’

  ‘Of course. I’m sorry, things did get heavy there, didn’t they?’ I squeeze her arm. ‘Thank you for confiding in me though. I’ll have to do the same sometime. I have skeletons in my own closet.’

  ‘Well that’s what friends are for.’ says Inez. ‘Hey, do you fancy going to a cafe or restaurant for lunch? Not Coco’s because they’ll ask me where Bounty is. Anyway, it’s time for a fresh start. It’s time for Inez to treat her friend Selma to lunch. I’m not going to sit around waiting for Edward.’

  ‘Good for you. Sounds great.’

  ‘We could do a spot of shopping afterwards. I’d love it if you could come with me to find a new wig. Ed chose this one. I’d like to pick one for myself. One that’s not so obvious.’

  ‘You dress nicely. Do you choose your clothes yourself?’

  ‘No, that’s Edward too. He advised I dressed classy. The only clothes I had before were the ones I’d stolen from Mel. She was a shopaholic and didn’t realise I’d taken things.’

  I splutter out my water and quickly make it look like I’m giggling.

  ‘Oh, my God, you nicked your wife’s clothes?’

  ‘Yes, and she was considerably shorter than me, so you can imagine what I looked like. Also, she was very girly in how she dressed. I looked rather drag queen until Ed took me in hand.’

  I suffer through an afternoon with Inez. I encourage anything anti-Edward, and she uses her credit card to purchase new outfits and two new wigs. She says its revenge against the cheating bastard. Then she bursts into tears.

  I spend time consoling her, giving her a hug, which is weird when she’s so much taller than I am. Then I send her home and return to my apartment. Inez needs to atone for her actions, and I need a goddamn shower, I feel like my skin is crawling.

  A phone call to Bobby and he arranges for a ‘driver’ in a suit to turn up at Inez’s house on Ed’s behalf. The driver tells
Inez he’s there to collect some of Ed’s belongings and that Ed will be in touch soon about collecting the rest. When she asks for identification, he shows her the door key and alarm code. The key I’d taken an imprint of when I first went to her house, and the code she never hid when she opened the door with me behind her. Devastated at being told Ed doesn’t plan to stay with her, she lets my driver in to collect some belongings. I make sure he takes all of Edwards clothes. As she stole mine, I’m taking his. An eye for an eye and all that.

  When the driver brings them to me boxed, I put them in the back of my car. The next day I visit a charity shop and hand the whole lot over. The owner checks the labels, all designer. ‘Are you sure? You could take these to the dress agency down the road and make a decent amount of money from them.’

  ‘No.’ I hold my hand up. ‘That won’t be necessary. We’d like you to make as much money as possible for your charity. It means a lot to us.’

  ‘If you don’t mind me asking, why so many clothes? You’ve not suffered a recent bereavement have you, sweetie?’

  ‘No. My husband has lost weight, and these don’t fit anymore. Any excuse for him to go shopping. He’s worse than any woman.’ I laugh. It’s true. Chained to a wall and only given minimum amounts of food, Ed has already begun to lose muscle tone. I love the fact that he can’t get to his beloved gym every morning. The break in routine must be infuriating him.

  ‘Well, bless you. Thank you so much for thinking of us,’ she says. I nod and walk out.

  As I walk away, I allow myself a last look at the shop’s frontage – Angels – a charity set up to help the parents of bereaved children. Maybe the funds raised by the donation can prevent someone turning into me.