Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  THE ARRIVAL

  The story started in 1972, when encroaching urban development outside of Kyoto, Japan, forced a troop of snow monkeys, also known as Japanese macaques (Macaca fuscata), out of their natural habitat in the mountainous region of Honshu Island. Temperatures there can drop well below freezing, making the snow monkeys, the northernmost-dwelling nonhuman primate in the world, well adapted to cold weather. And on Honshu, 150 of them began to terrorize a Kyoto suburb, stealing from gardens, farms, and food markets.

  Local wildlife experts decided that the only solution was to relocate the entire troop of 150. But to where? After a long search, officials found what they were looking for: the South Texas Primate Observatory, near Dilley. The monkeys were trapped, caged, and flown across the Pacific by the American National Guard in the first large-scale primate relocation of its kind. After they arrived in Texas, a few monkeys died in the much warmer climate, but the survivors soon adapted, foraging for mesquite beans and cactus fruit on the arid South Texas land. The population was kept secured on the ranch by an electric fence, and for 20 years the animals thrived, with their population reaching about 600.

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  After he was almost killed by a minivan in 1999, author Stephen King bought the vehicle, beat it with a baseball bat, and had it destroyed

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  SOCIAL DISORDER

  But by 1995, the snow monkeys were in trouble. Primate researcher Lou Griffin had been the primary person responsible for bringing the animals to the region, and the land set aside for the monkeys was on her husband’s family ranch. But when Griffin’s marriage failed, her ex-husband’s family partitioned the ranch and the 180-acre parcel where the monkeys lived went into foreclosure. The facilities fell into disrepair, and the electric fence failed. Even worse, the primates were suffering from overpopulation, and several small groups of males had instinctively wandered off the ranch looking for other snow monkey troops to join. Result: Just as they had done in Kyoto, the monkeys infiltrated nearby farms and neighborhoods.

  They became a “nuisance,” damaging trees, knocking over garbage cans, raiding kitchens, and frightening people. And thanks to a 1994 U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service ruling that declared the monkeys an “exotic unprotected species,” they did not fall under the protection of the Endangered Species Act. In other words, they were fair game for hunters. Although concerned locals and animal-rights advocates managed to keep most hunters at bay, on the final day of the 1995–96 hunting season, tragedy struck. Four monkeys discovered a trap of deer corn set by hunters, who shot and killed three of the primates—including two nursing females—and blew an arm off of the fourth one.

  That was it, local residents decided. Something had to be done about these monkeys.

  SEND IN FOR RELIEF

  At a heated public hearing later that spring, citizens argued that the monkeys should have been granted protected status because they were privately owned. It was the same situation, they said, as when cattle roamed away from their land; it’s against the law to shoot them simply for leaving their owner’s property. Although the citizens were technically correct, the Texas Parks & Wildlife Commission (TPWC) hadn’t been quick enough to enforce the rule and, as a result, three monkeys were dead. Now the TPWC had a public-relations disaster to clean up, so they brought out the biggest gun they had: 48-year-old Nolan Ryan, native Texan and popular sports hero, who was serving on the TPWC at the request of the governor. Ryan was crowned “Snow Monkey Ambassador.”

  So, what does a Snow Monkey Ambassador do? Ryan had no idea. But one of the first things he was asked to do was to take a ride out to Dilley with a wildlife expert to see the monkeys for himself. They weren’t hard to find; they mobbed the truck and peered in curiously at the two passengers. “I was in there with the lady,” Ryan later told interviewers, “and she said, ‘Let’s get out.’ I said, ‘I ain’t getting out!’”

  A KISS BEFORE FIGHTING

  Ryan reluctantly agreed, and slowly climbed out of the truck. A snow monkey leapt from the roof onto his shoulder, and Ryan became “petrified wood.” But the monkey didn’t bite; it had other ideas. The wildlife expert had brought along Hershey’s Kisses, which the monkeys were far more interested in than anything else. “You give them Hershey’s Kisses, and they sit there and they very neatly open it,” Ryan explained, “and about the time they get it unpeeled, another one will come over and knock them down and pick it up and eat it.”

  Ryan wasn’t the only celebrity involved with the snow monkey cause. Las Vegas showman Wayne Newton was also enlisted and put on a benefit concert in San Antonio to raise money for the monkeys. Newton’s work, Ryan’s high-profile “ambassadorship,” and a 1997 National Geographic documentary helped raise the funds necessary to repurchase the sanctuary land, rebuild the facilities, and round up the monkeys.

  Since then, the troop’s population has been curbed via birth control, and the ranch is now called the Born Free USA Primate Sanctuary. Along with the snow monkeys, the sanctuary offers a home to primates rescued from circuses and abusers. Nolan Ryan has retired from his post as Snow Monkey Ambassador but still loves to tell the story of his strange encounter.

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  What’s ichthyoallyeinotoxism? LSD-like hallucinations brought on by eating certain tropical fish.

  * * *

  BANANAS!

  Bananas—they’re sweet and kid-friendly…and seem to be in the news a lot more than they ought to be.

  MONKEY GOT YOUR GUN?

  Seventeen-year-old John Szwalla walked into a Winston-Salem, North Carolina, convenience store in May 2009, showed owner Bobby Ray Mabe that he had something under his shirt, and demanded money. Mabe could see that the object under Szwalla’s shirt was a banana, so he, along with a customer, jumped on the robber, beat him up, and restrained him while they waited for the police. Szwalla managed to eat the banana before officers arrived at the scene, but he was arrested and charged with attempted armed robbery anyway. (Police took photographs of the banana peel as evidence.)

  FILL ’ER UP

  Have you always wanted to eat a banana that had a thin ribbon of something else running down the inside of it? You’re in luck: Someone in Argentina has invented the “Destapa Banana: The First Banana Refiller in the World.” Just attach the device to the tip of a banana and push down on the plunger, and it extracts a thin core from inside the banana. Then simply fill the middle of the banana with jelly, liquid chocolate, melted ice cream, jalapeño sauce, fish oil—whatever you like—and peel and eat.

  YELLOW JUICE

  Have you ever wondered why banana juice has never caught on like orange or cranberry juice? It’s because bananas are so high in starch that their liquid can’t be extracted by traditional juicing methods. But scientists at the Bhabha Atomic Research Centre in Mumbai, India, have recently patented a new banana-juicing process that results in a sweet, nutritious juice that contains no added water or sugar, requires only a dash of citric acid for preservation, and has a shelf life of about three months. The scientists hope the new juice will help get kids off sugary, “unnatural” sodas and make lots of money for banana-rich India.

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  Some ultramarathon runners have their toenails removed to make running easier.

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  ARTISTIC A-PEEL

  LondonBananas.com has nothing but photographs of banana peels that have been discarded at various locations around London: in dumpsters, in alleys, and at entrances to famous landmarks like the Underground. According to the site’s photographer, S. Astrid Bin, “On average, I see about five skins a day, and my one-day record is 22. I don’t go looking for them.”

  SHOWER POWER

  In 2008 scientists at the University of Agricultural Sciences in Bangalore, India, convinced the owners of a one-acre banana plantation to try an experimental new fertilizer. Its secret ingredient: human urine. Thousands of gallons of pee were collected at local schools and hospitals, and 150 banana plants were given doses of the fertili
zer every day. Result: The bananas that had been treated with urine bore fruit two to three weeks earlier than bananas that hadn’t, and their bunches weighed an average of five pounds more.

  PEELY-CRAWLIES

  If you ever find yourself on a crab-fishing boat, don’t take along any bananas. Why? They’re considered bad luck on crab boats, and if you’re found with one, tradition has it that the captain will turn around, go back to the dock, and throw the banana—and you—off the boat. No one’s sure how the superstition started, but it’s believed to date back to the 1700s and the Caribbean banana trade. Bananas come from tropical regions that also were home to many poisonous spiders—and it was very bad luck to be trapped on a boat with a bunch of those. The superstition is still common today.

  CUT TO THE CHASE

  In April 2008, eleven high-school seniors in Zion, Illinois, were suspended for seven days after taking part in a “vicious and dangerous” prank. What did they do that was so heinous? Ten of them put on banana costumes, while the eleventh donned a gorilla costume—and the gorilla chased the bananas through the school’s hallways. Most of their fellow students thought it was funny, and said the punishment was ridiculous. “What’s funnier than a gorilla chasing bananas through a school?” asked Andrew Leinonen, the gorilla mastermind of the prank. “Nothing.”

  * * *

  Veterinarians can now detect fraudulent udder-beautifying schemes used on county fair show cows.

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  SURVEY SAYS...

  We took a poll, and 72 percent of BRI employees thought there were too many polls out there.

  • The winner in a 2009 British poll for “Best Celebrity Mom”: Britney Spears—who, only two years earlier, briefly lost custody of her children after a mental breakdown and had to undergo parental counseling.

  • In 1995 two University of Wisconsin researchers published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry perhaps the most exhaustive research ever conducted on nosepicking. Their polling found that 66 percent of people pick their noses “to relieve discomfort or itchiness,” while only 2 percent did so “for entertainment.” Most common finger used: the index finger (65 percent).

  • In a recent poll, 35 percent of parents admitted that that they play video games when their kids aren’t home.

  • A European pollster asked 15,000 women from 20 European countries to rate European men on their lovemaking habits. German men were ranked as the worst lovers because they were “too smelly.” Second worst: the English, who were “lazy” lovers. (The best: Spanish men.)

  • A 2010 New York Times/CBS News poll found that 70 percent of Americans support “gay men and women” openly serving in the military. In the same poll, however, only 60 percent of respondents said they support “homosexuals” serving openly in the military.

  • In 2009 Travel and Leisure magazine asked 60,000 Americans to rate 30 cities in various categories. The city with the “least physically attractive” citizens: Philadelphia. It also ranked near the bottom on cleanliness, friendliness, and safety.

  • According to a 2006 Washington Post poll, 79 percent of Americans believe they are “above average” in appearance, 86 percent feel they are “above average” in intelligence, and 94 percent believe they are “above average” in honesty.

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  In 2006 Dong Changsheng of China pulled a 3,300-lb. car 32 feet…using his lower eyelids.

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  BOTOX YOUR ARMPITS

  Cosmetic surgeons can do some amazing things to you these days. Here are a few real procedures you can try if you have a little defect—and a lot of money lying around.

  • Have you always wanted to look like an elf, or Mr. Spock? Consider ear-pointing surgery. A small slice at the top of the ear is cut out and the two sides of the incision are stitched together, creating a pointy ear. It’s considered such a minor procedure that most doctors farm it out to tattoo artists and ear-piercers.

  • As humans age, more things deteriorate than just our physical appearance—even our voices age, growing drier, scratchier, and quieter with time. A voice lift reverses all that. An incision is made into the throat and the vocal cords are strengthened with either a synthetic implant, the patient’s own fat, or ground-up tissue from medical cadavers.

  • Do you have an “innie” belly button, but would rather have an “outie,” or vice versa? There’s a surgery for that. Technically called umbilicoplasty, this procedure involves a surgeon manipulating the fat and skin in the belly button to make it protrude more or recede into the belly, whichever you prefer.

  • Botox treatment, an injection of the botulinum toxin, causes mild, temporary paralysis and smoothing of whatever tissue it’s injected into, making it popular for erasing facial lines. Now there are Botox armpit treatments, which use the same technology to halt underarm perspiration for three to six months. The treatment can also be performed on overly sweaty feet.

  • The weight-loss tongue patch is an increasingly popular procedure in California cosmetic-surgery clinics. A stamp-size plastic mesh patch is sewn onto the top of the tongue. Every time the patient eats solid food, the patch digs into the tongue, causing excruciating pain. Result: The patient switches to a liquid diet, which hastens weight loss. (The patch is removed after the target weight is reached.)

  * * *

  Southampton, Britain, banned residential barbed wire fences. (Burglars might injure themselves.)

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  6EQUJ5

  It’s the stereotypical sci-fi movie scene: The nerdy astronomer is sitting in a poorly lit room, searching through data for some kind of evidence that we’re not alone in the universe. Suddenly, among all of the bleeps and blips and printouts, something strange catches his attention…something that looks like nothing he’s ever seen before.

  THE “WOW!” SIGNAL

  That scene played out in real life on the morning of August 19, 1977. Jerry Ehman, an astronomer working at the “Big Ear” radio telescope on the outskirts of Delaware, Ohio, was going over the results of the telescope’s most recent survey of the night sky. His computer had spewed out pages and pages of numbers representing everything the telescope had detected. As Ehman was scanning the records from the night of August 15, a series of six numbers and letters stopped him in his tracks: “6EQUJ5.” What did they mean? In the language of radio telescopes, they represented an unusually strong burst of radio waves that originated in the constellation Sagittarius. Unable to explain what might have caused the reading, Ehman simply circled that part of the computer printout. Next to it, he wrote: “Wow!”

  It was only later, as astronomers began to eliminate all other possibilities, that many became convinced that the “Wow!” signal was something more than a flash in space. Perhaps much more.

  ALL EARS

  The hunt for extraterrestrial life was already well under way before that night in 1977, and it’s still going strong today, led largely by a nonprofit organization called SETI (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence). SETI’s mission is to sanely conduct the search for “little green men”—a pursuit that some detractors claim is insane. SETI’s astronomers are generally skeptical of UFO sightings; most think it’s improbable that aliens have already visited Earth. SETI maintains that the universe is a very big place, so if we’re going to find life on other worlds, we’ll probably have to use powerful radio telescopes that can detect signals from a faraway, inhabited planet.

  * * *

  A Brazilian company created a Doggie Love sex doll for “lonely” pets.

  * * *

  Here’s how the thinking goes: If you were a member of an alien race living on a planet across the galaxy, and you pointed a regular optical telescope at our solar system, it would look like any other medium-sized star. However, if you pointed a radio telescope in our direction, it would be immediately apparent that one of the planets had life on it. Why? Because our radio and television signals escape our atmosphere every day and fly off into space. Theoretically, aliens could be wat
ching Desperate Housewives right now.

  SETI has access to some of the most powerful radio telescopes in the world—and in 1977, the Big Ear was one of the biggest. But it was designed to be largely automated (astronomers have better things to do than listen to radio static all day), recording the results of its observations on rolls of printer paper. And what Big Ear detected that day was a very intense radio signal. It had no way of converting that signal into sound or images; the only information it had was that small group of numbers and letters.

  OFF THE CHARTS

  Looking at Ehman’s printout above, the numbers represent the “brightness,” or strength, of a signal that the radio telescope picks up—with 1 standing for a “dim” signal and 9 standing for a very “bright” one. In the unlikely event that the signal detected is stronger than a 9, the printout uses letters, with “A” being brighter than 9 and “Z” being the brightest possible source the observatory could record. So a signal that went as high as “U” naturally caught Ehman’s attention. In the 35 years that the Big Ear was in operation, this was the only time it detected a radio signal that powerful.