Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy

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Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Page 34

by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  Akre and Wilson knew they were on to something really big when Florida dairy farmers and grocers admitted to them that they used and sold Posilac because Monsanto had threatened to sue them if they didn’t. Just how far did this company’s influence go?

  * * *

  Lima Syndrome is the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome: a kidnapper becomes attached to the victim.

  * * *

  The reporters brought their findings to Fox 13 general manager David Boylan, who—at first—was thrilled with the scoop. The station aired promos that asked viewers, “What’s in your milk?”

  WE DECIDE. YOU REPORT.

  About a week before the story was set to air in February 1997, Boylan called Akre and Wilson into his office. He told them that Fox’s lawyers, using information provided by Monsanto, had some “edits” for the story to make it more Posilac-friendly. Akre and Wilson refused to change a single word. Boylan told them it wasn’t a request—Roger Ailes, president of Fox News, had actually been warned in a letter from Monsanto’s law team that “if this story runs in Florida, there will be dire consequences for Fox News.” What consequences? Monsanto was responsible for a major chunk of advertising on the 22 local stations that Fox owned; Fox stood to lose a major sponsor. Wilson pleaded with Boylan, “But this is news! This is stuff people need to know!”

  “We’ll tell you what the news is,” replied Boylan.

  THE STAND-OFF

  Akre and Wilson reluctantly agreed to delay the story until May and work with Monsanto to produce something that both the station and the company would approve. But every draft they submitted was returned to them with numerous changes, such as replacing the word “cancer” with “human health implications.”

  “No fewer than six air-dates were set and canceled,” said Wilson. “In all my years as a print, radio, and television reporter, I’ve never seen anything like it.” After several months, it was obvious to Akre and Wilson that Fox had no intention of running the story; they were just stonewalling until the reporters either conceded to the lawyers’ edits…or just quit. Neither side would budge.

  Finally, Akre and Wilson issued an ultimatum to Boylan: If they weren’t allowed to tell their story, they’d report Fox to the FCC for violating the Communications Act of 1934, which bars programmers from “broadcasting false signals.” Fox offered the investigators a deal instead: Accept $200,000 to walk away from their jobs, and sign an agreement that would prohibit them from ever talking about Monsanto to anyone else, ever again. Akre and Wilson turned down the offer. In December 1997, they were fired.

  * * *

  In 2009 a U.K. Ministry of Defense document on how to stop documents from leaking onto the Internet was leaked onto the Internet.

  * * *

  TWEEEEEEET!

  The following April, the journalists held a press conference to announce that they were suing Fox News for wrongful termination under Florida’s whistle-blower law, which states that an employee cannot be terminated for reporting illegal activities of his employer. “This isn’t about being fired for no cause,” said Wilson. “This is about being fired because we refused to put on the air something we knew to be false and misleading. We were given those instructions after some very high-level lobbying by Monsanto and also, we believe, by Florida’s dairy and grocery industries.”

  After several delays, the case finally went before a jury in 2000. Acting as his own lawyer, Wilson called several high-profile witnesses—including consumer advocate Ralph Nader and newsman Walter Cronkite, who testified that Fox’s actions were a “violation of every principle of good journalism.” Even more damaging, however, were the admissions by Fox’s own team that there was nothing in the original version of the story that was false.

  Fox’s lawyers countered that the station had given Akre and Wilson every opportunity to tell their side of the story, but only if they gave Monsanto’s side as well. In the end, said Fox, the investigators were fired because “in the view of the station’s management, the reporters were not willing to be objective in the story nor accept editorial oversight and news counsel.”

  ON THE AIR

  Meanwhile, Fox 13 had hired a new investigative reporter and run a “toned-down” version of the Posilac story—one that had been pre-approved by Monsanto. In response, Akre and Wilson set up a Web site and released the full text of their original story, along with updates on the case.

  As the trial wore on, it looked bad for Fox. An announcement from six Canadian government scientists disclosed, according to Wilson, that they had been under political pressure to approve Posilac, and that the FDA had “misreported” their findings. But it was neither celebrity witnesses, scientists, nor Fox’s admissions that ultimately swayed the jury. It was Jane Akre’s testimony:

  As a mother, I know this is important information about a basic food I’ve been giving my child every day. As a journalist, I know it is a story that millions of Floridians have a right to know. We were fired for standing up for the truth. Solely as a matter of conscience, we will not aid and abet their effort to cover this up any longer. Every parent and every consumer has the right to know what they’re pouring on their children’s morning cereal.

  THE VERDICT

  Fox lost. The jury ruled that Akre had been “wrongfully fired” and awarded her $425,000. (Interestingly, the jury concluded that Wilson was not similarly wronged by Fox. He thinks it’s because he may have come off as “overbearing” during the trial.)

  But Fox wouldn’t admit defeat. The network appealed the verdict, utilizing a legal loophole as their defense: “The FCC’s policy against the intentional falsification of the news—which the FCC has called its ‘news distortion policy’—does not qualify as the required ‘law, rule, or regulation.’” In other words, Fox’s lawyers claimed that Akre did not deserve whistle-blower status because, technically, Fox hadn’t broken the law; they just violated a “policy.” Fox’s lawyers also noted that there are no written rules against distorting news in the media and argued that, because of this, the First Amendment actually allows broadcasters to “deliberately distort news reports on public airwaves” if they so choose. Basically, Fox claimed they had a constitutionally guaranteed right to lie.

  In February 2003, the Florida Second District Court of Appeals ruled in a 2-to-1 decision that Akre’s settlement be overturned; Fox didn’t owe her a penny. Shortly after, Fox countersued both journalists for $1.7 million to recoup legal fees and court costs. In the end, Wilson was ordered to pay Fox 13 $156,000.

  WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

  Today, Jane Akre is the editor-in-chief of InjuryBoard.com, a consumer-protection group. Steve Wilson is an investigative journalist in Detroit, Michigan. And he’s still making waves and making enemies: In 2008 he reported that Detroit’s embattled mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick, violated terms of his bond by traveling to Canada without giving prior notice, and Kilpatrick was sent to jail.

  And what about Posilac? Because of the potential health risks to both humans and cows, by 2000 the synthesized protein was banned in several countries—including Japan, Australia, Canada, and most of Europe. But it’s still legal in the United States.

  * * *

  Tom Cruise’s daughter’s name, Suri, means “pickpocket” in Japanese and “horse mackerels” in Italian.

  * * *

  SEBASTIAN

  CABOT SINGS!

  …and some other albums that you probably don’t need to hear to know that they weren’t such a good idea.

  Joe Pesci, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You

  In 1992 Pesci starred as the Italian-American lawyer Vincent LaGuardia Gambini in My Cousin Vinny. More than six years later, he released an album in character as Gambini, a stereotypical New York Italian, singing old standards such as “What a Wonderful World” and “I Can’t Give You Anything but Love,” all littered with expletives. While some listeners hailed it as a comedic success, the timing of the marketing campaign was off—so much time had passed since the movie came
out that the album fell flat. Bad reviews didn’t help, either; one critic described it as “a mound of failed songs and lame jokes.”

  Scarlett Johansson, Anywhere I Lay My Head

  Many young actresses (Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff) have released pop albums, but Johansson (Lost in Translation, Girl With a Pearl Earring) did something different—an album of songs written by the gravelly voiced, world-weary songwriter Tom Waits. Despite a good supporting cast (a guest spot by David Bowie and production by critically acclaimed musician Dave Sitek), the album tanked—perhaps because audiences couldn’t relate to a glamorous, 22-year-old millionaire singing lines like “Give a man gin, give a man cards / give an inch he takes a yard / and I rue the day that I stepped off this train.”

  Eddie Murphy, Love’s Alright

  Murphy recorded three albums of pop/soul music, including one in 1985 that featured his sole hit, “Party All the Time.” But, to his fans’ disappointment, none of his music had any trace of the humor or edginess that made Murphy a star comedian and actor. On his 1993 album, Love’s Alright (his last to date), he lined up a dozen celebrity cameos from megastars like Garth Brooks, Michael Jackson, and Paul McCartney for the opening track, “Yeah.” Any witty lyrics here? Not really—over a psychedelic backing track, Murphy and his famous friends take turns saying or singing “yeah.”

  * * *

  Study finding: 25% of people suffer from paranoid thoughts brought on by media sensationalism.

  * * *

  Robert Mitchum, Calypso Is Like So…

  In 1956 and ’57, Harry Belafonte almost single-handedly ushered in a calypso-music craze in the U.S. with his two smash-hit albums, Belafonte and Calypso. Of all people to cash in on the fad, perhaps the least likely was the stone-faced, tough-guy movie star Robert Mitchum (The Night of the Hunter, Thunder Road). While filming a movie in Trinidad in 1957, Mitchum fell in love with the music. His album, Calypso Is Like So…, is a fairly authentic attempt, too, with steel drums and horns. But Mitchum couldn’t quite pull it off—even though he was a good enough vocalist to sing his own parts in several musicals, his voice wasn’t up to the challenge. And more embarrassing, if not a little racist, was the fact that he adopted an “island” dialect, singing “dis” and “dem” for “this” and “them.”

  Rachael Ray, Too Cool for School Mixtape for Kids

  A hip tape of TV chef and talk-show host Rachael Ray singing for kids? Actually, no—Ray doesn’t sing or play an instrument on this 2006 album, none of the songs have anything to do with school, and it’s not even a tape, it’s a CD. The album is just a Ray-approved collection of pop songs that kids would theoretically like, such as Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz” and Harry Nilsson’s “Coconut”—which also happens to be one of the few songs that have anything to do with food.

  Sebastian Cabot, Sebastian Cabot, Actor / Bob Dylan, Poet

  Cabot was the hefty British character actor best known for playing Mr. French on the ’60s sitcom Family Affair. With his clipped, upper-crust accent and impeccable diction, his delivery is pretty much the opposite of Bob Dylan’s braying mumble. That made this 1967 album an especially odd choice, with Cabot half-singing, half-speaking the songs and poems of Dylan, who, at the time, was one of the hottest acts in music.

  * * *

  Singapore is the only country where adult children are legally responsible for supporting their parents.

  * * *

  URBAN LEGENDS

  Urban legends make this crazy world go ’round.

  THE LEGEND: Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Harland Sanders (1890–1980) was a vehement racist and a member of the Ku Klux Klan. When he died, he bequeathed a large portion of his fortune and a percentage of KFC’s future profits to the KKK.

  HOW IT SPREAD: It’s unclear who started the rumor or why, but KFC is one of many companies that have fought off urban legends of secret racism. (There’s one about Tommy Hilfiger being disgusted that black people wear his clothes, and another that says that Microsoft’s Word thesaurus contains hidden bigoted messages.) Sanders, whose image on KFC buckets was designed to resemble a 19th-century Southerner, was a natural target.

  THE TRUTH: Sanders never made any public comments regarding race, and he wasn’t a member of the KKK, which by the mid-20th century was no longer the large, influential organization it once was. Further, Sanders sold the Kentucky Fried Chicken company in 1964, long before he died in 1980. Not only did he not donate a sum to the KKK, but since he no longer owned the company, he was in no position to divert its profits.

  THE LEGEND: Members of Alcoholics Anonymous can trade in their “sobriety chips”—medallions given out to celebrate a week, month, or year of alcohol-free living—for free drinks at any bar.

  HOW IT SPREAD: This legend has been around since at least the late 1940s, when the chips were first handed out at AA meetings. While nobody knows where it started, its spread reflects the misconception that alcoholism is merely a choice, and that alcoholics in recovery will backslide given the smallest opportunity to do so—like a free drink.

  THE TRUTH: A sobriety chip is a token and reminder to AA members to stay the course of sobriety, and that’s all. Bars do not accept them as currency.

  * * *

  Fully loaded: The back seat of the Lexus LS 600h offers a built-in electric shiatsu massager.

  * * *

  THE LEGEND: To permanently archive its vast library of audio recordings (speeches, historical events, classic American music), the Library of Congress is transferring everything to 78s—a record format that hasn’t been widely used since the 1940s. When considering its storage options, the LOC was concerned that 50 years from now there may be no way to read electronic data, whereas 78s can be listened to with a simple mechanical device. And while electronic recordings can be erased by a stray magnet, 78s are durable enough to last for centuries.

  HOW IT SPREAD: This rumor got its start as a fake news story on National Public Radio’s All Things Considered on April Fool’s Day 2003. Apparently, a few people didn’t get the joke.

  THE TRUTH: Astute listeners quickly noticed that something was off. Since one side of a 78 can hold only about three minutes of sound, and the Library of Congress has millions of recordings, that would take a lot of 78s—and several decades’ worth of work—and long songs and speeches would have to be split over several discs. As the faux news story pointed out, “Experts estimate that the archiving project will catch up with recordings made before 2003 by April 1, 2089.”

  THE LEGEND: Pop singer Lady Gaga was one of the hottest new musicians in 2009. While she had two #1 hits, she was perhaps more famous for her elaborate videos and stage show, and for wearing garish costumes, influenced by drag queens and the gay club scene, both on- and offstage. At one concert, she shocked audiences when she opened up her undergarments…and exposed male genitalia. So not only is she influenced by drag queens…she is a drag queen. Lady Gaga is a man.

  HOW IT SPREAD: The moment in question did happen, but it was a stage stunt—with a prosthetic, albeit a very real-looking one. A subsequent interview with singer Christina Aguilera helped spread the rumor: When a reporter asked Aguilera (who bears a resemblance to Lady Gaga) what she thought of Gaga, Aguilera said, “I don’t know who that is. Isn’t she a man?”

  THE TRUTH: Lady Gaga’s real name is Stefani Germanotta…and she’s a woman (we’re pretty sure).

  * * *

  Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen has donated $25 million to the search for extraterrestrials.

  * * *

  ANIMALS FIGHT BACK!

  If the world were less crazy, humans and animals might live harmoniously in some Disneyesque existence with lots of tra-la-las and Mr. Bluebirds on our shoulders and whatnot. But no—it’s a deer-eat-kid world.

  ROUGHING THE PASSER

  In October 2009, seven-year-old Brandon Hiles was playing football with his friend, nine-year-old Wyatt Pugh, when an errant pass sent the ball into the woods in their Wintersville, Ohio, neighborhood
. Brandon ventured into the underbrush to retrieve the ball…and found himself face to face with “Devil Deer,” a large white-tailed buck known around the neighborhood for its aggressiveness. Devil Deer charged, and Brandon tried to run but was lifted up from behind and thrown to the ground. The deer started stomping on Brandon with its powerful hooves before Wyatt came to the rescue, brandishing a big stick. “I was swinging it like I had a sword in my hand,” he later bragged. After Wyatt whacked it several times, Devil Deer ran off. Brandon was bruised but otherwise okay.

  BEARPLANE

  In 2009 a bush pilot in Alaska landed his 1958 Piper Cub in a remote area for a day of fishing. When he returned to the plane that evening, it had been practically dismantled: Parts of the hull were torn off, three tires were flat, and the tail section had been ripped open. The pilot knew immediately that this was the work of a bear—it was looking for food in the cargo hold, which smelled fishy from a previous trip. Unfazed, the man radioed another pilot, who flew over and dropped three tires and three rolls of duct tape. The man put his plane back together and flew home (and cleaned it thoroughly).

 

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