Dudes, the School Is Haunted!

by R. L. Stine

  Rotten School

  Dudes, The School is Haunted!

  R.L. Stine

  Illustrations by Trip Park

  For Dad

  –TP

  Contents

  Map

  Morning Announcements

  1. The Ghost Walks at Night!

  2. Awk! Awk!

  3. Screams of Terror

  4. The Fist Brothers

  5. Chipmunk’s Last Words

  6. De-Pantsed

  7. Party On, Dudes!

  8. Sweety’s Revenge

  9. Scary Ghost Story III

  10. A-Haunting We Will Go

  11. The Nyce House Ghost

  12. The Ghost in the Computer

  13. Always Tell the Truth

  14. Sweety Loses Weight

  15. The Ghost Lives!

  16. Two Left Feet

  17. The Ghostly Cocoon

  18. A Thousand Caterpillars

  19. The Best Plan Ever

  20. The Last Chapter

  21. Another Last Chapter

  About the Author

  Other Books by Rotten School Series

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  Map

  MORNING ANNOUNCEMENTS

  Good morning, Rotten Students. This is Headmaster Upchuck with today’s Morning Announcements. I hope you will stop hitting one another until the announcements are over. Thank you, and have a Rotten Day!

  Chef Baloney announces that he will no longer be serving alphabet cereal for breakfast because of the disgusting words some of you have been leaving in your bowls.

  A special treat in the Dining Hall tonight. Chef Baloney promises that the chickens will be plucked before they are served.

  Nurse Hanley would like to remind all students who come down with stomach flu—you DO need a signed permission slip if you wish to vomit. The slips are available every morning from six to seven.

  Third grader Harry Chest announces that the two thousand poisonous spiders in his collection escaped during the night. If you are bitten by one of these deadly spiders, DO NOT panic. We have sent away for a cure, which should be here in two to three weeks.

  Attention, students who wish to play a musical instrument. Our music teacher, Mr. Buzz Off, will be giving Air Guitar lessons after school. You do not have to bring your own instrument. Mr. Buzz Off says he will bring enough air guitars for everyone.

  And finally, for all students who are interested in science, second grader Billy Gote will be showing off the oozing green and purple scabs on his knees at dinner tonight.

  Chapter 1

  THE GHOST WALKS AT NIGHT!

  Warning: If you’re afraid of ghosts, you’d better stop here.

  Because, dudes, Rotten School is haunted!

  I should know. I’m the one who is haunting it.

  You’ve probably heard of me. I’m Bernie Bridges, fourth-grade superstar. I don’t like to brag. But how else can I describe myself?

  Catch these dimples when I smile. Killer—right?

  If you’ve heard of me, you’ve probably heard of Joe Sweety, too. Sweety is the biggest, meanest, fiercest, bulliest, smackdown kid at Rotten School. If he bites you, you definitely get rabies. No joke.

  We call him The Big Sweety. He works out thirty hours a day. Really. Joe can bruise you with his hair!

  He’s huge! He even has muscles on his teeth! The fronts of his T-shirts all say EXTRA-WIDE LOAD.

  Get the picture? Sweety is not a sweetie.

  So, what does this have to do with the school being haunted? Who set the evil ghost loose? And why has it chosen Joe Sweety as its next victim? Well, don’t get your boxers in a knot. You’ll find out soon. I can’t tell you everything in the first chapter—can I?

  Let’s start at the beginning. Our field trip to the zoo…

  Chapter 2

  AWK! AWK!

  Those are my friends, Feenman and Crench, making bird sounds. Ha-ha. They’re a riot. Now they’re bending over, flapping their arms, and marching around like storks.

  Oops. Feenman just swallowed his gum.

  These two guys are my best buddies because they like to have fun. Feenman can make forty-two different disgusting noises by cracking his knuckles. And Crench collects dead flies. He has a drawerful of them.

  Fun dudes, right?

  Why are they imitating birds today? Well, I told you—this is where our ghost story starts. In the Bird House at the Lousy Town Zoo.

  Mr. I. B. Rotten is the man who opened the Rotten School a hundred years ago. He had a rich friend named Louie B. Lousy. And Louie B. Lousy built the zoo.

  The Lousy Town Zoo is small and not too thrilling. I mean, they have a three-legged elephant. How sad is that?

  Feenman, Crench, and I went into the Panda House. At first we thought the pandas were sleeping. Then we realized they were all stuffed!

  “Dudes, let’s check out the Bird House,” I said. “It’s gotta be more interesting than this!”

  BIRDS FROM AROUND THE WORLD.

  That’s what the sign said. But the first cage had a turkey in it. And the second cage had a sick little yellow canary clinging to its perch.

  Our friend Beast stood staring into the canary cage. He kept shoving white, fluffy stuff into his mouth.

  “Beast, where’d you get the popcorn?” Crench asked.

  “It’s not popcorn,” he said. “I got it off the bottom of that birdcage.” He held out a handful. “Want some?”

  “Ulllp…no thanks,” Crench said. “Why don’t I just go throw up in the corner over there?”

  Feenman let out a groan. “What stinks? Oh, wow. I just stepped in something really gross.” He started scraping the bottom of his shoe against a birdcage.

  I slapped my buddies on the back. “Are we having an awesome time, or what?”

  You probably think we hated the Lousy Town Zoo. But you’re wrong.

  We all loved it when our teacher, Mrs. Heinie, took the whole fourth grade on a field trip into town.

  No classes! No schoolwork!

  Going into town is a big deal for us. You see, the Rotten School is a boarding school. We live at school. We can’t get out unless someone lets us out.

  So we were having an excellent time at the zoo. And we all groaned when Mrs. Heinie poked her head into the Bird House and shouted it was time to leave.

  I turned to Beast. “Hey, where’s that canary?”

  He grinned at me. He had feathers stuck in his teeth.

  Beast loves field trips, too.

  But we had to leave. We lined up and started walking two by two to the yellow school bus. I moved next to my friend Chipmunk. He walked with his eyes down on the sidewalk.

  Chipmunk is the shiest, most timid kid in school. He’s so shy, he never looks up. He stares at his shoes all day.

  “What’s up, Chipper?” I asked. “How’d you like the zoo?”

  He shivered. “A squirrel really scared me, Bernie.”

  “Huh?” I stared at him. “You were afraid of a squirrel?”

  He lowered his head. “Well, it kinda sneaked up on me.”

  He pulled a red-and-yellow juice box from his backpack. He shoved in the straw and began sucking on it frantically.

  “Thirsty?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “It’s apple juice. Sometimes it helps me. I get carsick. Real bad.”

  I shoved the straw back in his mouth. “Keep drinking!” I said. “And don’t sit next to me!”

  “MOVE IT!” a voice boomed behind us. Joe Sweety’s voice. “OUT OF MY WAY!” Joe Sweety yelled.

  “AWK! AWK! AWK!”

  Those were not bird cries. Those were the squawks of a kid who didn’
t get out of The Big Sweety’s way fast enough. Sweety stepped on him and walked right over him.

  And now he clumped up behind Chipmunk and me.

  “Yo, Big Sweety!” I said. “Lookin’ good. You punch out any mailboxes lately?”

  On our last trip to town, a mailbox got into Sweety’s way. He decided to fight it.

  The mailbox lost.

  “MOVE IT!” Sweety boomed again.

  “Yikes!” Chipmunk got so scared, he squeezed his juice box. And squirted apple juice into The Big Sweety’s face!

  And believe it or not, that’s where our ghost story started.

  Here come some SCREAMS. Stick with me, dudes. Now it starts to get way SCARY.

  Chapter 3

  SCREAMS OF TERROR

  Kids screamed and shrieked and gasped.

  Apple juice dripped down Sweety’s beefy red face. His eyes were shut tightly. He gritted his teeth angrily.

  Bernie B. to the rescue. I always protect my guys.

  “You wouldn’t hurt my friend Chipmunk, would you?” I said. “He was only trying to cool you off. You know. Give you a little refreshment.”

  The Big Sweety picked me up by the ears. Then he set me down on top of a car.

  Then he moved in on Chipmunk.

  Chipmunk started to shake and quake. “B-b-b-b—” His lips moved up and down, but no words came out. His eyes bulged out of his head.

  He was so terrified, he squeezed the juice box—and squirted The Big Sweety in the face AGAIN!

  The juice dripped down Sweety’s face. He uttered a deep growl.

  Kids screamed and gasped.

  Sweety turned. He grabbed Feenman’s shirt—and ripped it off Feenman’s body. Then he mopped his face with it.

  “H-help! H-help!” Chipmunk wailed. He dropped to his knees.

  The Big Sweety took two giant steps toward Chipmunk. He raised his meaty fists.

  I knew I had to act fast.

  I did the only thing I could do.

  I hid my eyes.

  “I can’t watch,” I murmured. “I can’t watch this.”

  Chapter 4

  THE FIST BROTHERS

  I held my breath and listened. But I didn’t hear Chipmunk screaming in pain.

  I peeked out between my fingers.

  I saw Sweety pull Chipmunk gently to his feet. Then Sweety put a heavy arm around Chipmunk’s trembling shoulders.

  “Hey, no problem, dude,” Sweety said, grinning at Chipmunk. “Accidents happen, right?” He pinched Chipmunk’s cheek. “Right, buddy?”

  My mouth dropped open. Was The Big Sweety sick or something?

  Or was he just getting ready to clamp Chipmunk in a headlock and use his face to make mashed potatoes?

  Sweety patted Chipmunk on the back. “That’s my good buddy, the Chipper!” he said.

  Then I realized what was up. Mrs. Heinie was standing right there.

  “Hi, Mrs. Heinie,” I said. “Good to see you!”

  She had a stern scowl on her face. She had her hands at her waist and was leaning forward, squinting at Sweety through her thick glasses.

  “What’s up, Buster?” she asked Joe.

  Sweety grinned at Mrs. Heinie. “Just kidding around with my good buddy,” he said. “We’re sharing some apple juice.”

  Mrs. Heinie squinted through her glasses. “You weren’t going to hurt him—were you?”

  “No way,” Sweety replied. “That’s my pal, the Chipper!” He grabbed Chipmunk’s school tie and dragged him toward the bus. “You’re sitting next to me, Chipper.”

  I let out a long breath. Thanks to Mrs. Heinie, Chipmunk was still alive—at least for now.

  I climbed onto the bus and started down the aisle, searching for a seat. Whoa! The seat next to April-May June was empty!

  April-May is the hottest, coolest girl in Rotten School. She is my girlfriend. Only she doesn’t know it yet. Actually she doesn’t have a clue. She thinks I’m belly button lint.

  “Can I sit down?” I asked.

  She narrowed her blue eyes at me. “You’re joking, right?”

  “Is the seat taken?” I asked.

  “It will be,” she said. “By someone else.”

  “I understand,” I said, flashing her my smile with the adorable dimples. “You want me to sit next to you. But you’re just too shy to ask me.”

  She tossed her head back and laughed.

  I took a deep breath. Since she was in such a good mood, I decided to ask her my big question. “April-May, next Saturday is movie night. They’re showing a scary ghost movie at the Student Center,” I said. “Would you like to go with me?”

  She stuck a finger down her throat and made a gagging sound. Then she spit her bubblegum onto the pocket of my school blazer.

  “Was that a yes or a no?” I asked.

  Before she could answer, two strong hands wrapped around my waist—and pulled me into the seat across from Chipmunk and Joe Sweety.

  “You’ll be going to the scary movie with me, Honey Cakes,” a voice cooed.

  Jennifer Ecch!

  I call her Nightmare Girl. The Ecch is almost as big and tough as Joe Sweety. AND she’s totally in love with me!

  Do you know how embarrassing it is to be in fourth grade and have a girl totally in love with you?

  Yuck. She grabbed my hand, rolled up my sleeve, and started planting loud, smoochy kisses up and down my arm.

  “Stop! Stop it!” I cried. “You’re sucking off all my arm hair!”

  The bus started to move. “Buckle up, everyone!” Mrs. Heinie called.

  I was trapped. Trapped next to Jennifer Ecch.

  The bus bumped down the street. The Ecch kept planting smoochy kisses up and down my arm.

  Behind me, some kids started to sing chorus after chorus of The Official Rotten School Song.

  “Rah rah Rotten School!

  I’d rather be in Rotten School Than NOT in school!”

  Beast stuck his head out the window and howled like a dog.

  In front of me, Joe Sweety looked around to see if Mrs. Heinie was watching. Then he raised a fist to Chipmunk. “Have you met Mr. Fist?” he asked.

  “N-n-n-no!” Chipmunk stuttered.

  “Did you know that Mr. Fist has a brother?” Sweety growled.

  Chipmunk made a gulping sound. “N-no. What’s he called?”

  “Mr. OTHER Fist,” Sweety replied.

  Chipmunk gulped again. I could see him shaking and quaking in terror. “Th-that apple juice thing,” Chipmunk stammered. “It was a total accident.”

  Sweety leaned closer to Chipmunk. “I hope you don’t have an accident and run into Mr. Fist!”

  Suddenly, Mrs. Heinie appeared in the bus aisle. “What are you up to, Buster?” she asked Joe Sweety.

  Sweety lowered his fists. “Chipmunk and I were just talking about how much fun we had at the zoo,” Sweety said. “We loved the pandas—didn’t we, Chipper? They were awesome.”

  “Actually,” Chipmunk said, “I…I wish I’d stayed in the dorm, working on my hobby.”

  “What’s your hobby?” Sweety asked him.

  “Hiding under the bed.”

  Mrs. Heinie walked back to her seat. The bus hit a hard bump.

  “Ohhhhh! I feel WAY carsick!” Chipmunk moaned.

  And then his mouth flew open and—

  He ulllllllllped all over Joe Sweety.

  Chapter 5

  CHIPMUNK’S LAST WORDS

  The Big Sweety let out a huge roar. Then he ripped off Chipmunk’s shirt and used it to mop the puke off his own clothes.

  “B-b-b-b—” Chipmunk was shaking and quaking, making that sound again with his lips.

  With another loud roar, Sweety raised Mr. Fist to Chipmunk. “Any last words?” he demanded.

  Chipmunk gulped. “Uh…yeah,” he muttered.

  “Here are my last words…HELLLLLLLLP!”

  Mrs. Heinie jumped into the aisle. She leaned over Joe Sweety. “Is there a problem here, Buster?”

&n
bsp; “No way!” Sweety replied. “What could be the problem? I was just helping my buddy Chipper with his carsickness trouble.”

  “Very nice,” Mrs. Heinie said. She headed back to her seat.

  Sweety turned back to Chipmunk. “You’re gonna have fun at your playdate,” he said.

  Chipmunk stared at him. “Playdate?”

  Sweety nodded. “Yeah. With Mr. Fist and Mr. OTHER Fist.”

  Thunder boomed. The bus shook. I saw a jagged bolt of lightning hit the ground outside. Rain poured down, drumming hard on the bus roof.

  Jennifer Ecch grabbed me. She squeezed my arms until they looked like drinking straws. “Are you scared of storms?” she asked.

  Thunder boomed again. “I’m more scared of you!” I said. “Let go of me. You’re leaving fingerprints all over my skin!”

  She giggled. “You DO like to tease a girl!” Lightning flashed.

  The rain pounded down.

  Sweety was still showing his fists to Chipmunk.

  Was it a tense ride back to school?

  Are goldfish made out of fish?

  Finally, the bus squealed to a stop in front of the Student Center. The door opened, and we all pushed our way out into the rain.

  Ducking our heads, we ran into the front hall.

  We were all laughing and shivering and shaking off water. I heard a crashing boom of thunder….