At that moment, Laia came over, and Rett pulled her in, whispering something in her ear. She stared up at her husband, and then gold eyes swept over to me, huge and disbelieving. I made a face. But Laia didn’t make one in return. Instead, her eyes got teary, and she gave me a soft smile, before looking over at Iris.
Dark curls interrupted my line of sight as Charlotte rose up and looked at me critically.
“Is Iris me and Rinna’s new sister?”
Corinna reached over and tweaked Charlotte’s nose. “Not yet.”
Charlotte hung onto my neck and stared me down, making a pouting face. “Why not? I like her. Don’t you like her, Kal?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I do.” I looked over at Iris again, surrounded by my family and beaming. Joy stole through me, and I smiled as Iris’s eyes met mine. “More and more every day.”
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Iris
“Charlotte, Fallon, Nan is looking for you two.”
I turned to see Lily coming into the kitchen, where I’d been talking with Laia and Fallon. Kal’s little sister Charlotte was shyly listening in and occasionally tugging on her cousin’s hand. She was demure and pretty, with Lily’s fine bone structure. I’d been touched to see how much she loved Kal, climbing up on her brother and hugging him with zero fear. It couldn’t be easy having siblings so much younger than you, and yet Kal was a great older brother.
Fallon took Charlotte by the hand, leading her in. Laia squeezed my arm as she passed by. Rett was calling for her, as were Luna's wails.
“Terrible fours, not twos,” Laia groaned as she vanished, too.
That left me alone with Kal’s mother, and a bubble of anxiety grew in my gut. I loved Kal’s reserved, soft-spoken mother, with her kind eyes and elegant movements. She was checking on something in the oven and peered up at me, hovering nervously on the other side of the island.
“Do you need something?”
“No, thank you. Do you need help or anything?” I asked and smoothed my sweating palms across my dress. Lily straightened and shook her head, smiling. “Okay.”
“Everything is done,” Lily explained, closing the oven door and coming over. “Checking to make sure it’s getting well done. We’ll have dinner soon.” She glanced at the living room, which was noisy and warm. “I hope we’re not overwhelming you.”
“Not at all,” I said. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a big family.” Lily’s eyes went wide, and I mentally cursed myself for saying something like that. “I mean…”
Before I could try to salvage it, Lily leaned in and nodded. "It's always interesting. Sometimes a bit intense. But the Deacons are a different kind of clan. Sometimes I forget that I married in." Her eyes got a little distant. "I came from a pretty small family, so it was jarring at first. Everyone is so invested and curious—so many relatives to keep track of.
“But Ellie became my best friend, my sister. I couldn’t have raised Kal or Corinna without them. Charlotte, either, even though I have David now. They were so accepting of him.”
“He’s so nice,” I said, thinking of the earnest and bespectacled man who’d shaken my hand with vigor earlier. “Kal was right.”
“Kal?” Lily asked.
“Oh, he was just saying how David was a good guy and made you really happy, that he was a good dad and stuff.” Lily was gazing at me, and I wondered if I’d rattled some family skeleton inadvertently. Nice, Iris. “Um, I know Kal wasn’t around much, but…”
“Kal said all that?” Lily said and touched her cheek. “Honestly, I thought…” She searched my face and took my hands. “You don’t have to answer this, but has he talked about his dad?”
“Yeah,” I said, a little puzzled. “Not a lot, but I mean, the other day he got up to see the snow and woke me up, so I went with him, and he told me…” Lily’s eyes were bright, and she let go of one of my hands to dab at her eyes. “Oh, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be,” she said and crushed me against her. “You have no idea—I’m sorry I’m tearing up, but I’m just so happy. My son, he works so hard and always looks out for everyone else. For a while, he even looked out for me.” She stepped back and squeezed my shoulders. “It’s not easy for him to let people in, and yet here you are.”
Yes, here I am—the biggest fraud, who shouldn’t be accepting your hugs, I thought. And even more pathetically, I wanted another. It had been so long since I’d had a nice, motherly hug.
“Oh, I worried that stubborn streak of his would always win out over his heart,” Lily said. “Especially after the Rift and…” She caught herself. “Well, Ellie and I thought, when Luke and Reagan got together, that might change Kal’s mind, because you have no idea, but Luke was almost as bad as Kal, although still a bit of a flirt. Then Rett and Laia…but Kal seemed more determined than ever. To be honest, I’d put it out of my mind.”
I wasn’t following her and tentatively asked, even though I had a feeling I might regret it, “What was Kal being stubborn about this time?”
“Oh, well, mates,” Lily said, and I nodded, smiling. “I think it was because of something that happened to Tristan, or maybe just Kal being stubborn. But a few years ago, his Nan asked when he was going to find his mate—she’s a bit outspoken—and Kal scoffed about it. Said even if he met his mate, he wouldn’t pursue her, and he’d push her away, all this horrible nonsense. We tried to persuade him otherwise, but it made him upset, you know. He says Winfyre has to come first…” Kal’s mother blinked. “Listen to me, rambling on. Oh, Iris, are you okay? You look a bit flushed.”
“I think I need some fresh air,” I said through numb lips.
“Oh, here, sit—” There was a crash from the other room and a shriek, then someone calling for Lily. “Oh lord, what now? Here, I’ll be right back.”
Left alone, I stumbled to the side door and around the porch to the other side of the house. Hugging myself as the cold wind ripped around me, I barely felt it. Every nerve was focused on my heart, blistering as I replayed Lily’s words. A hysterical urge was rising in me, and half-formed questions swirled through my mind.
Yet at the same time, I didn't want to think about it too much. I didn't want to wonder if that were still true, what it could mean if it were, and other, heartbreaking what ifs…
That isn’t fair. How could someone simply decide not to be a mate if you had a mate?
Then, darker questions. What would lead someone to decide that? I’d seen the flicker in Lily’s eyes when she talked about post-Rift Winfyre. It wasn’t the first time I’d heard a cryptic allusion to it, and I suddenly wondered if it had to do with Beylore’s mate. Or husband. Hadn’t Beylore said that he’d been good friends with Kal? Yet Kal had never mentioned him…
I was going to drive myself crazy wondering about this. And, worse, it wasn’t my business. I was helping them out and here to translate Orion’s book. Poor Kal was trying to be friendly and nice, too. He didn’t need me digging into his past.
Or reading into things his mother says.
Or what he says.
Fresh guilt hit me from that moment in the bathroom earlier. Kal had been kidding around, and I’d taken it too seriously. That wave of hot, molten want had formed into a knot of panic as he’d tried to make me laugh, and I’d frozen up instead.
I guess I can’t be Kal’s mate, though, because he’s not pushing me away anymore.
The thought was a sharp, nasty dagger through my heart, and I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry. I had to keep it together tonight. I had to get a lock on my feelings.
“I’m starting to think you get your kicks freezing your ass off, Lisay.”
Kal’s deep voice jolted me, and I hastily rearranged my face into a smile, swiping a thumb under each eye in case any tears had escaped. Although I supposed I could blame them on the wind.
“You feelin’ okay?” He leaned his back against the railing and looked over at me as I nodded. “Deacons wearing you out?”
“No, I think I was a bit hot,” I lied. “This dress is thicker than it looks.”
“You don’t have to fib your way out,” Kal said, laughing and tilting his head back. He inhaled the air and closed his eyes. “It is a nice night.”
A laugh escaped me. “Only you would say that.”
“Seriously, honeycomb,” Kal said and turned his body to face me, a hand reaching out for my shoulder. “You don’t have to worry about needing a break. I needed one, too.”
“Maybe just a short one,” I said weakly, and Kal grinned.
I thought my heart stopped. Then, my treacherous body leaned into him as I turned to face him, and my fingers found purchase in his soft sweater. He looked so happy and at ease right now, the kind of handsome that made your brain sag. And beyond sexy, thanks to Corinna's infallible eye. His gray sweater matched his eyes and set off his ice-blond hair. Plus, it was tight in all the right places, showing off those rock-hard muscles and planes of chest, arms, and abs. Never mind those jeans that hugged his muscular thighs and ass.
I swallowed as he looked at me, a goddamn lost god of the winter night. Then my breath caught in my chest as Kal pulled me into a tight embrace. Tentatively, I put my arms around his waist, and Kal squeezed me more tightly.
“Thank you for this, Iris,” he said. “I won’t ever forget it.”
Tears pricked my eyes in gratitude. With my family gone, it had been a long time since someone had hugged me. Two in one night, too.
“Damn, I’m lucky,” I murmured.
Kal let out a strange laugh. “Why’s that?”
“Your mom gave me a nice hug earlier, and now I get another.” I sighed. “You guys are so nice, I don’t deserve it.”
“No, you deserve more,” Kal growled, and his fingers curled into me.
“I won’t say no to more hugs,” I said lightly and went to pull away.
"Not what I meant, Iris." His voice was low and soothing, reminding me of how he'd been on the way here. I'd thought my heart would seize and wither. But now, after what his mother had said, it was like my heart was being crushed in steel fingers. “I guess we are alike.”
“Kal!” Rett’s amiable shout echoed through the night, and we broke apart. He came around the corner as Kal put an arm around my shoulders and led me forward. “Out here canoodling?”
Kal said nothing, and when I glanced at him, he’d merely raised an eyebrow at Rett.
The big, dark-haired man suddenly looked abashed and hunched his shoulders. “Ah, never mind. Dinner’s ready. Come on.”
Five minutes later, we were seated around the table, conversation and plates flying around. Kal and I were seated together towards one end, near his Nan. She asked him a lot of questions about Winfyre and people whose names I didn’t recognize. Kal answered easily and concisely, sometimes adding a dry comment that made her laugh.
Because of the number of Deacons—maybe twenty or thirty in all, it was hard to tell—our chairs were on top of each other. My thigh was pressing into Kal’s, and at one point, his arm went across the back of my chair. Almost absent-mindedly, he began to rub the back of my arm, and I found myself leaning closer until my side was against his.
My hand went to his knee to brace myself, and when I looked up at him, he shot me a small wink. It was a good thing I wasn’t eating or drinking anything because I would have choked to death right there. As it was, it took me almost ten minutes to compose myself.
To all appearances, we were perfect mates.
Yet no matter how much I wished that might be true, I knew I didn’t belong there. No amount of wishing would make the Deacons, or Kal, mine.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Iris
Kal and Rett were in high spirits on the walk home, laughing and teasing the kids while Laia and I walked arm in arm behind. Kal had Luna on her shoulders, and the sight of it melted my heart. Meanwhile, a sleepy Eliot was snoozing on Rett’s big shoulders.
“No one was too prying or anything, right?” Laia asked in an undertone as we got closer to where we’d take our separate ways home.
“Oh, not at all. Very polite.”
She slowed us down to a stop. "Are you sure?" Laia's golden eyes flashed in the dark, and she shook her head. "You seem okay but…distant. Did Kal say something?”
“Oh, no, no, Laia, I’m just tired,” I said.
“Maybe,” she said dubiously. “You just don’t seem like yourself. And neither does Kal, but that’s a good thing.” For once she didn’t say it with a snort, but rather with a detached, observant air. “It’s almost like the two of you are switching personalities or something.”
“What?” I asked with a startled laugh.
“Well, Kal seems to be taking his walls down, and you seem to be putting them up.”
I gaped at her, heart pounding, and Laia gave me a wise look in the gloom. She’d hit on something I hadn’t yet wanted to acknowledge myself. It made me think of Tiani, who said a real friend was the one who told you what you needed to hear, not what you wanted.
That made me laugh a little. “You and Tiani would get along well.”
“Tiani?”
“A friend of mine,” I said, and my stomach jolted. With everything else, I’d forgotten to ask Kal if he could look into her. “More like a sister. I miss her so much.”
"Laia!" Rett called, and we turned to see that they'd stopped several yards down the trail. "Gossip tomorrow, woman. Otherwise, Luna will be up all night."
“Only because her daddy spoils her rotten,” Laia retorted, and we hurried up to them.
After an exchange of goodnights, I found myself dragging as we made our way up the hill. All I wanted to do was collapse into bed. My soul was twisted and worn thin.
I had a feeling, too, that it wouldn’t escape Kal’s notice for much longer, and I wouldn’t have a mass of Deacons to distract him.
Yet when I was finally in bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned, falling into half-dreams where I watched Kal and a faceless woman laugh along with the Deacons from outside. In another, I saw Kal standing alone, eyes closed, in a winter storm. In yet another, I sank into icy waters, and no one knew. I simply vanished without a trace.
That last one had me waking up in a hot, sweaty mess, the blankets kicked to the floor. It was a sharp contrast to the half-frozen river I’d just drowned in. Taking deep gulps of air, I swung out of bed and went to the window, cracking it open.
Oddly, though, I was parched. And wide awake.
Of course, I’d forgotten to get a glass of water, though. Annoyed, I slipped out of my room and crept downstairs. In the kitchen, I drank a whole glass of water in one gulp, then another.
As I went to pour the third, there was a sound of a doorknob, and Kal stepped through the side door. His movements were slow, and I could tell he was in deep thought, his face creased into a frown. I froze, hoping that in his distraction, he wouldn't see me, as I'd realized I'd traipsed down here in a loose shirt and panties and nothing else.
Worse, Kal was wearing nothing but a pair of baggy shorts.
I couldn’t even focus on how absurd it was that he went outside in only shorts. His bare skin and hard muscles had fried my brain. In the dim light, his size and strength had never been more apparent, every shadow sharp and deep. Tingles raced up and down my skin, my breathing uneven as I watched him close the door and lock it. A big hand rested on the glass, and he was frowning, lost in his own world.
Finally, Kal stepped away and cut through the living room, not seeing me. I listened as his footsteps padded into the hall and then stopped. My heart leaped into my throat as they changed course into the kitchen. I should’ve moved—I had enough time to hide in the living room—but I was rooted to the spot as he came in and stopped short.
“Iris,” he exclaimed, and silver flashed in his eyes. “What—why are you up?”
“Water,” I said and held up my empty glass.
“Did we…?” He glanced over his shoulder. “Did you see me co
me in just now?” I nodded and went to speak, but he continued. “Did you hear something?”
“No,” I said, and a shiver ran up my spine as he walked towards me. “Did you?”
“Yes,” Kal said shortly. “Or I thought I did.” He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and set it down. “So strange, I could have sworn—but there was nothing there.” He glanced at me. “I thought maybe you’d help me figure out if I’m starting to lose my touch or not.”
“I’m sure you’re not,” I said, trying to keep calm and not stare at him.
“Yeah, well…” Kal poured himself a glass of water and drank it, his powerful throat rippling. I needed to get out of there. He set it down and went to pour another when he went still, his gaze slowly returning to me and running down, then up. I thought I saw the cords of his throat stand out. The silver in his eyes was molten, his chest rising and falling hard.
“You said you came down here for water?” he finally asked in a hoarse voice.
“Yes,” I squeaked out.
Kal wordlessly held out his hand as I tried not to shake as I handed it over. Our fingers brushed, and he looked away, his big hands flexing around the glass. He filled it and slid it back. I had the strangest impression he was either about to speak or trying not to speak.
I didn’t wait to find out. Snatching the glass, I said thanks and fled upstairs.
Dawn was not long off, and I’d still barely gotten any sleep. Mortification scalded me from head to toe, replaying that moment in the kitchen. If only I’d grabbed a robe or something.
Add that to the leaden weight of the Deacon dinner, where I realized that not only was the family of the man I was the fake mate of wonderful and warm, but they were also overjoyed to think that their obstinate and walled-off polar bear was no longer alone.
When in fact it was by a fluke that I’d shown up in Kal’s life and formed a friendship with him.
There was a pressure in my chest that was getting worse. Needing to get out of my room, I threw on sweats and a shirt, padding downstairs. Restless, I paced around before I went into the study and skimmed my fingers across Orion’s book.
Ice Bear's Bid (Northbane Shifters Book 4) Page 22