by Annie Rains
She plopped down at the kitchen table and let her shoulders roll forward. “Who am I kidding? Things are already too serious,” she muttered.
“Talking to yourself?”
Krista bolted upright, nearly giving herself whiplash as she faced her brother sleeping on the couch. “Why are you on the couch?”
“Fell asleep watching some sci-fi movie,” he said. “Why are you talking to yourself and looking like your best friend just died?”
Because he had. Kind of. If they broke up, she and Noah could never return to the way they were before. She couldn’t be with him and not be with him. Not now. “I’m still sick from last night, I guess.”
“You have an iron immune system, sis. You don’t get sick,” Joey said.
He was right. Working in hospitals for over a decade had boosted her immune system a thousandfold. It was rare that she ever came down with anything. Did that mean she was pregnant? The thought both excited and filled her with dread, and that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. If she were pregnant, she should be racing to tell Noah the good news, knowing that he’d be as thrilled as she was. She didn’t know that, though. In fact, she knew the opposite now.
“Did Noah screw up last night? Do I need to kick his butt?”
Krista smiled and shook her head. She stood and went to make that piece of toast that might settle her stomach. “Noah was a perfect gentleman yesterday. I couldn’t have asked for a better date.” She placed two slices of bread in the toaster and turned to look at Joey as she waited for them to cook. “Hey. Did Noah ever tell you the reason he dropped out of college?” Krista asked.
“Something about a girl, I think. I think he got in over his head and realized he didn’t want the kind of life he was making there.”
Krista’s heart felt like someone was fisting it hard. How come Noah had never told her about this ex-girlfriend? He’d had girlfriends in the past. How come he’d never told her about the pregnancy scare and the breakup? She told Noah everything. There was only one secret she’d ever kept from him all these years—that she loved him. Loved him to the core of her being. She would always love him.
Her stomach rolled again.
“You okay?” Joey sat up and looked at her more closely.
She turned her back to him and started smearing a coating of strawberry jam on the toast. “Just hungry. And tired.” She sheathed the toast in a paper towel. “I’m going back to bed.”
—
Krista awoke to her brother knocking on her bedroom door at lunchtime. She took stock of herself before responding and was relieved to find that she felt slightly better.
“What do you want?” she groaned.
“Noah’s here,” he said through the door.
Krista’s heart skipped a beat before realizing this wasn’t a good thing. She didn’t want to see Noah. That would only confuse things right now. Except she wasn’t confused. She knew exactly what she needed to do. “I’ll be out in just a minute,” she called, sitting up in her bed and draping her legs over. She reached for a long-sleeved T-shirt and a pair of jeans by her bed. Shuffling to the bathroom, she cringed at the sight of herself in the mirror. She’d gone straight to bed after leaving the reception last night. She’d felt so bad that she hadn’t washed the heavy makeup off her face or even run a brush through her heavily hair-sprayed hair. There were still bobby pins holding curls to the top of her head, although the updo she’d thought so pretty yesterday morning had drooped and wilted. The once perfectly rounded curls were crushed by her heavy sleep.
Krista did her best to wash off the makeup, but decided trying to run a brush through her nest of hair would only make it worse. Well, maybe Noah would see her and bolt at the sight of her before she had to explain why it was best they didn’t date any longer.
Dragging her feet to her door, she opened it and headed down the hall.
“Hey,” Noah said, turning from the couch where he sat.
“Hey.” Krista looked around the room. “Where’s Joey?”
“Outside working on his cab.” Noah stood and met her in the small kitchen area. “I brought you chicken soup. It’s supposed to make you feel better.”
Krista looked at the cans on the counter. “My mom always made me some when I was sick as a kid.”
“Well, mine’s not homemade obviously. This is what Dad gave me when I felt bad growing up.”
Maybe that was the reason Noah would never be in a long-term relationship. He hadn’t grown up with a mother. His brothers hadn’t either, but Noah was the youngest. He’d never even been held by his mother. That had to leave the spirit unsettled. Maybe he didn’t know how to anchor himself. Krista’s heart ached for him and the boy he’d been. “Thanks for the soup,” she said, her throat constricting so tight she could only manage shallow breaths.
“Are you still feeling bad?” he asked, his expression straining with concern.
She must’ve looked awful. “A little bit.”
“You know I would’ve taken you home last night.” He stepped closer and ran a calloused hand down the side of her bare arm. Shivers raced down the invisible track he’d left, sending aftershocks through the rest of her. “I want to take care of you when you’re sick,” he said in a low voice.
She looked at him, met his brown eyes and hated that she couldn’t spend forever looking into them. But she couldn’t. She knew that as a fact now. Not if she wanted to have a real relationship complete with marriage and children and old age sitting in rocking chairs and holding hands. She wasn’t sure if she was pregnant or not, but either way, this was definitely her wake-up call. “That’s sweet of you to offer, but Joey didn’t mind. And I didn’t want to pull you from your brother’s wedding.” She slid back from Noah’s touch and his expression changed from concern to worry. His blond brows lowered, pinching the skin between his eyes.
Krista sucked in a shallow breath, closed her eyes for a second, and forced herself to speak. “Noah, we need to talk.”
—
A chill coursed up Noah’s spine. He didn’t like the sound of “we need to talk.” He also didn’t like the look on Krista’s face right now. He had the sudden impulse to turn and walk right out of her townhouse before she said anything more. She was sick after all. Possibly running a fever and delusional.
Krista gestured toward the couch.
“I don’t need to sit,” he said, his jaw so tight it physically hurt.
“I do.” She passed by him, sat down, and waited for him to follow.
He hesitated, but finally walked over and sat down next to her, leaving a few inches between them because he sensed that was what she needed. “What’s going on? Did I do something?” he asked.
Her eyes immediately welled with tears. She shook her head. “No. No, you didn’t do anything. But we never should have started this. We both know it’s not a good idea.”
“I don’t know that. In fact, I know that’s not true at all.” He realized his voice sounded angry, but he was a little angry. Not at Krista, of course, but this wasn’t what he wanted. He wanted to come in here and tell Krista that he loved her. That he wanted to keep taking steps forward. That’s what he’d wanted to tell her last night before she’d disappeared on him.
“We want different things.” She pressed her lips together. He noticed the slight tremble as she did.
“Something happened at the wedding. What? Just tell me what it was and I’ll fix it.” A little light beaconed in the dark cloud suddenly hanging over him.
“Noah, you can’t fix this. I just realized that you’re never going to want the same things that I want. It isn’t who you are, and I can’t change that. We’re just wasting time together, and I don’t want to waste any more time. I can’t.”
“But what if I told you I do want the same things?” he asked, a little hurt pressing in on him at the thought that Krista viewed dating him as a waste of time. He reached for her hands and held them in his own.
“Noah, I saw how you reacted the oth
er day, after the condom broke. You couldn’t even look at me. You hated the idea of us getting pregnant together.”
He shook his head, even though he couldn’t deny that he’d been a little terrified at the moment. “Having a child is something people plan. A broken condom is a mistake.”
“A child is never a mistake,” Krista snapped.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it. I just mean, going into parenthood isn’t something you take lightly. And yeah, the prospect is scary. I’ll admit that.”
Krista’s lower lip trembled some more. “I would be okay if we were to get pregnant right now. I wouldn’t even think twice about it because I’m ready. I want a baby. I have all the love in the world to give one. You can say you’re ready, too, Noah, but I saw the look in your eyes the other day. I felt how you pulled away from me after the condom broke. You didn’t touch me for over a week afterward. You don’t think I know why? It’s because you’re scared of committing yourself to me.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’ve been committed to you since the day we met, Kris. It’s always been you.”
Tears flooded her eyes. “It’s just not going to work between us, Noah. And I don’t…I don’t want to prolong this. For either of us.”
He pulled his hands away. He felt like someone had placed him in a meat compactor. Everything down to his bones was crushed. Pain seared through his chest, straight into his deflated heart. “It was working just fine between us, Kris. What happened?”
“I’m sorry, Noah, but I need more than what you’ll ever be able to give me.”
He met Krista’s tear-soaked eyes, wanting to argue with her. He’d give her the moon if that was what she needed. But she was right. He’d reacted badly after the condom broke, and he was ashamed of it. Maybe he was still that kid who was voted least likely to succeed. The one who’d left his girlfriend and college because he was terrified of being weighed down by the commitment.
But everything had been fine between them until last night. “What happened? There’s something else. Something you’re not telling me.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does—” he started to argue.
She held up a hand to silence him. “Noah, I think it’s best if we end things here. Before we waste any more of each other’s time.”
The pain of that comment hurt so much it was hard to breathe for a moment.
Her lower lip trembled and he felt like a criminal for making her cry, for wasting her time, for being exactly who he’d always been.
Slowly, as if fighting lead gravity, he got up, walked to the door, and shut it behind him, beelining straight to his Jeep. He didn’t want to talk to Joey, who was still under his hood. He didn’t want to talk to anyone.
An hour later, he was on the Summerly, alone in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The water had always cleared his head. It was good medicine for him, better than chicken soup. He tossed a fishing line overboard and stared out. Unmoving. Barely breathing.
Chapter 21
Zombies were real. Krista had decided this, and she was decidedly one of them. She tromped down the hall to go check on her last patient of the day. She felt drained, void, and like she should climb into one of the hospital beds herself because she was certain that she was dying. That was how she felt at least. Her diagnosis: incurable heartbreak. But it was for the best.
“You doing okay?” she asked little Petey Gibbs, who was hospitalized after hitting his head and getting a concussion. Usually they sent these kids home, but Dr. Jacobs thought it best to watch Petey a little closer.
“I’m bored,” Petey declared.
Krista laughed softly. It didn’t matter how bad she felt, a child could always lift her spirits. She did this job as much for herself as she did for them. “Okayyyy, well is your head feeling all right?”
“Yep. Just bored.”
Krista nodded. “I have coloring books back at my station.”
“Those are boring,” he said flatly.
She twisted her mouth to one side. Tapped a finger to her chin. “I have audiobooks. I can set them up to read to you. Do you like books?”
“I’ve read the entire Harry Potter series,” he told her proudly.
“Wow. Those are tough books for a nine-year-old.”
“Not really. I’m pretty smart.” He used his little arms to push himself upright in the bed. “And one day I’m going to be a doctor just like you.”
“I’m a nurse, actually, but you can be anything you want. Just follow your heart.” Her grandmother had always told her that same thing and she’d believed it. But following her heart with Noah had led her astray this time, and now she was miserable. The walking dead. “Last offer,” she said, forcing Noah from her thoughts. “I have a book of word-finds you can do. If you find a whole page’s worth, I’ll bring you a treat tomorrow.”
The boy’s eyes rounded. “I’m excellent at word-finds,” he told her.
“Good. You can only do one page, though. Then I want you to rest your eyes.”
“Okay.”
“Good. I’ll go get the book for you.” She retrieved it from the nurse’s station and brought it to him. “See you tomorrow.” She left his room and returned to her station where she collapsed in front of the computer to finish up patient notes. She’d volunteered to run the caregiver support group again tonight. The way she was feeling, though, she’d be no good to anyone. She’d skipped lunch and, with Grace on her honeymoon, she’d missed out on the supercharged caffeine that the Blushing Bay Café provided in the mornings. Maybe she’d grab a bite at the hospital cafeteria before the group began.
Taking the elevator down to the first floor, Krista dragged herself through the line, grabbing some diced fruit and a cup of caffeinated tea. Then she carried it to a table in the corner to sit by herself. As she sipped, her gaze snagged on a familiar-looking woman. Mandy was seated a few tables away, laughing and smiling, looking more relaxed than Krista had ever seen her. It was good to see. Krista wondered where Adam was, but knew that Mandy would never leave him somewhere that wasn’t safe. Seated at the table with Mandy was a man with his back to Krista. The two were both leaning forward into each other. It must’ve been the man who’d asked for her number when she’d come down to the cafeteria the other day. This was great. Mandy was seeing someone and she looked happy.
Krista inspected the man a little more closely. Even though his back was to her, she could see that he was dressed in scrubs and a white doctor’s jacket. A doctor here. Go, Mandy!
The man dropped something from the table and bent to pick it up, his face turning just enough for Krista to recognize him. A breath caught in her chest. It was Chandler Dale. Mandy and Chandler Dale. For a second, Krista felt a streak of jealousy. She lowered her gaze, hoping they wouldn’t see her. She wasn’t jealous because it was Chandler. She was jealous because Mandy had found something that she was looking for. Something that she’d thought she’d found, too, but Noah had only been a mirage. And now here she was sitting in the hospital cafeteria alone.
Collecting her fruit and drink, Krista quickly retreated out of the cafeteria toward the conference room where the caregiver support group was being held.
The group gathered in a circle of chairs half an hour later. Understandably Mandy didn’t attend. She was likely still on a date with Dr. Dale, which hopefully relieved some of her caregiver stress in itself.
“You’re back with us,” one of the attendees said, offering up a smile.
Krista nodded. “Lorraine is caring for her sick father these days, so she can’t be here to moderate the group.”
“Sounds like she’ll need to attend for herself,” an older man said.
Krista nodded. “We all need to unload sometimes. It’s good for everyone.” Including herself.
“All right,” Cathy Myer said. Cathy always attended the group with a basket of knitting supplies and knitted while everyone talked. She was the caregiver for her grandchild
ren after her daughter had run off to the other side of the country. “You look like you could use some support. What’s going on in your life?” Cathy asked, her knitting needles pausing as she looked up at Krista.
“Oh, no. I don’t take care of anyone at home. I live with my brother.” Which probably sounded pathetic to this group.
“Do you take care of yourself?” a young woman asked. “Because that’s important, too. We’ve all learned that in coming here.”
Krista frowned. “I try.”
“So why do you look like you’re carrying the weight of the world right now?” someone else asked.
Krista shook her head. “Well, it’s nothing really. I guess it’s because my boyfriend and I just broke up.” Tears threatened behind her eyes. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about the breakup yet. It was too fresh, and crap. She didn’t want to cry in front of a circle of strangers. “But I’m not here to talk about me. I’m here to listen to you guys.”
Cathy pointed a knitting needle. “We all share in this group, including you, missy. Tell us what happened.”
Krista swallowed, then spilled the details. All except one—that she might be pregnant. She didn’t think she was. She hadn’t been sick since Sunday morning, but there was a small question in her mind, worrying and exciting and confusing her beyond belief. She hadn’t gotten her period yet, but it wasn’t due for another week still.
The person sitting next to her passed a box of Kleenex. “Here.”
“Thanks.” Krista pulled one free and wiped at a tear that had slipped from her eye. “Wow. I didn’t realize how great it felt to unload.” Krista was normally the one listening to other people’s problems. “I feel better.”
“Good. That’s what this group is for,” Cathy said.