I thought we were doing so well. He admitted his feelings for me, we shared a sensational moment I will never be able to forget, and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel for us. But then that phone rang and…and it ruined everything.
I know I should confront Grey, but I can’t find the courage to do so. I’m a true coward, and this distance with me ignoring his calls and texts is only making everything worse. He’s not completely at fault. I blame him ninety percent of the time for all of my distress, but this time I’m surely at fault. I shouldn’t push him away before he has even gotten the chance to explain. I’m just scared. Scared that burst of valor of his has faded and his heartless side has come back, tenfold.
When I arrive to Psych class, my eyes immediately go to Grey’s seat, which is next to mine. He says he chooses to sit next to me because I exude an aura of “tranquility,” but I know it’s so he can copy my paper whenever there’s a pop quiz. My eyes immediately roll, and I walk over to my seat.
Class begins when the other students pile into the room and take their seats. My cheeks warm up when Ms. James comes out of her office and starts the lesson.
Ever since my meltdown during our counseling session, things have been a tad…strange between us. I apologized profusely after, though, and she accepted every single one of them. She said that outbursts are common and that when I had one, it was completely okay. Luckily, Mother called off the sessions after I convinced her they’d only get in the way of a clear head, which I would need if I wanted to focus on my studies.
I’m copying Ms. James’ words about the parts of the brains and the deep effects they have on one’s actions when the door bursts open. The class pauses, and I imagine everyone shifts their gaze to the entryway except me. I have to get this sentence down or I will forget it.
I hear heavy steps hitting on the floor, but I can’t be bothered to look up. Not until the fluorescent light is blocked and my notebook page becomes dark. I lift my head and meet a pair of hooded eyes.
“I need to speak to you,” Grey says, his words slow and his hands shaking at his sides. He glances down and tucks his hands in his pockets. “We can talk here or outside, I don’t give a shit. It’s up to you.”
I nervously laugh and peek around him and hold up a finger. “I’ll be back in one second, Ms. James.” I cap my pen and drop it into my bag, but Grey finds the action too slow for him and grabs my wrist, pulling me out of my seat as I quickly shoulder my backpack. I gasp at his abrasiveness and feel my heart sink at the laughs and whispers that cloud the air. He’s embarrassing me!
The moment we’re outside, alone, I turn around and push at his chest. He doesn’t even budge.
“What is wrong with you?” I snap.
He turns around after closing the door with an unhinged expression. “I should be the one asking you that! I’ve been calling and texting you all day and you haven’t answered me back. Should I be worried that you have Alzheimer’s and forgot what I said yesterday? What happened yesterday?”
“I saw your phone screen. There was a girl on it, and you were…you looked…” I take a deep breath and steel my voice before speaking, “I just don’t find it plausible for you to ‘like’ me if you’re oh so happy with someone else.”
He freezes, and I know I’ve caught him. “You were going through my phone?”
The fact that he clearly avoided my question only makes my accusation that much more spot on. The pain in my chest is demanding, but I push through the throbbing and scoff with a shake of my head. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him. I should have stayed as far away from him as I could the first chance I had.
“No,” I answer him, crossing my arms. “Your phone was ringing, and it woke me up. I just wanted to turn whatever it was off and go back to sleep, but I saw that picture and…” My throat constricts before I can finish the sentence. I take a deep breath and look away while wetting my lips. “Who is she?”
His face is neutral—blank—as he shrugs and gives me a generic, unbelievable answer. “No one.”
I scoff and nod. “Right. So you just found a picture of a random girl and cropped yourself in it?”
“Don’t want to point this out, but uh…you sound like a crazy jealous girlfriend,” he says with his fingers forming air quotes for emphasis.
“I wouldn’t be so crazy if you just told me who she is.” I’m giving him a chance to come clean so we can start fresh without anything holding us back. Why doesn’t he see that and stop acting like a stubborn ass?
He lifts his eyebrows as if to mock me. “No one.”
“I can’t do this,” I breathe.
“What do you mean? What can’t you do?” He looks annoyed.
“I can’t deal with you, that’s what I mean.” I turn away from him and shake my head before I am spun around. I push away from him and let out a breathy laugh. “Every time we try to be civil and nice to each other, something happens on your end, and we end up right back to how we started—distant. And I can’t deal with your emotions that switch on and off without any type of warning. You make me want to be so much more with you, and then Diana calls or something pisses you off, and you turn your back on me. And I’ve had it! I’ve had enough of you, Grey!”
“Fine, just give me a chance to explain before you completely lose your shit!” He shouts and shakes his hands at me like he’s growing angrier by the second, but I don’t care. I’m going to tell him how I feel before he shoves lies down my throat.
“What do you have to explain? You don’t really care about me. All you care about is sex and the girls you use for it. And I can assure you that I will not put out like Diana, or that girl, or any of them. So why don’t you quit wasting your time on me and leave me alone?” I try to walk around him, but he grabs my wrist and makes me take steps back until my back is pressed against a brick column.
His hand raises, and he cups the side of my face. I turn my head the other way, but he holds my other cheek, forcing me to look into his dark eyes.
“You are nothing like any other girl I have ever met or fooled around with,” he tells me in a soft tone. I almost believe him. Almost.
“I don’t believe you,” I whisper, and his smile drops. As does his hands.
“Why not?” He takes a step back. “Why don’t you believe me? Do you want me to say you’re just like every single girl I’ve fucked? Wait! Can’t even say that because you’re a virgin who just got touched for the first time last night!” he shouts sarcastically, shrugging his shoulders.
“Fuck you, Grey!” I shout.
“You will soon enough, trust me. You were practically begging me to get in your pants last night. I’m surprised your virgin flesh didn’t scorch in flames at my touch!” His words rattle with venom.
I take a step back and blink at him. “It’s always great knowing how you think. Really fucking great.” I hike my bag up my back and turn on my heels. I just want to go back to my dorm and get away from this over-perplexing boy.
“Wait, don’t leave,” he shouts after me, and I pick up speed. I’m almost out of the building’s pathway when he grabs me by my bag’s strap and yanks me around, into his chest.
I roll my eyes and prepare to scream at him when he leans down and crashes his lips against mine. My body instantly relaxes into his body like I’ve been put under a charming spell.
But then I hear his phone ring, and I snap out of the spell. I lean back and push away from him, stumbling into the wall. I hold myself upright and swipe my hand against my lips as if to wipe off poison.
“Why don’t you get that? I’m sure Diana or that girl, hell, maybe both are waiting for you,” I say sarcastically and turn away from him. I push myself off the wall and get one foot away before I am turned around again. “Stop touching me!” I slap his hand off of my wrist, but he grabs my other one and shakes it while lowering himself to look into my eyes. My charms rattle, and it silences me, combined with the seriousness on his face.
“You have to learn to trust me,�
�� he says.
“Wouldn’t you freak out if you saw a picture of me and a guy you had no idea about pop up on my phone?”
He shakes his head, disregarding what I said. “There’s so much you don’t know about me, so much that would put things in perspective for you—”
“Then enlighten me,” I cut him off and rip my hand away from his grip. He doesn’t flinch or react, just stares into my eyes. I briefly look away. “Tell me so I can understand you, Grey. All I want is to understand. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.” My words are breathless because I am exhausted. He won’t let me in when all I want is an inside look at his troubled mind.
He takes a deep breath and pokes his tongue against his cheek in thought. “You’d only criticize me. I know you, and I know that you’ll try to figure me out like all the others. But I am nothing to figure out. I’m not a fucking broken puzzle piece. I’m a person.”
“What could possibly make me criticize you?” I shake my head. I’m not understanding.
He flitters his eyes away and breathes out heavily. “I have a disease, Liv.”
“What disease? Asshole-ism?” I joke with a bitter laugh.
He squints his eyes at me and straightens himself and leans against the wall. “No, actually. It’s called Bipolar Disorder. Maybe you’ve heard of it?”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
“You…what?” I croak. I have to swallow to get the words out. I’m stunned and unable to form a single thought. My mind is running wild trying to piece together all the signs until it makes sense.
His angry outbursts, his sickly sweet moments, this sudden declaration of his feelings for me—all of it pieces together to make one big picture. A picture of a disturbed guy I never truly knew about.
His lips twitch into a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Things fitting together now? Making sense? Bet your good girl heart is shifting gears, formulating ways to help me.” He puts up air quotes and lets out a winded breath. “Let me save you the time.” He saunters over to me, lifts my chin up and whispers, “You can’t help someone that doesn’t need it.”
I stay silent. The look of emptiness scares me, but he’s right. I want to help him, but not because of this disease. I want to help him fix his perception about me. I don’t want to critique him in any way. I want him to know I don’t care about it and that I like him back, but he takes one look at my contemplative expression and walks away.
I turn around and shake my head.
“Don’t walk away, I just didn’t know—”
“Of course you didn’t know, Liv.” He turns around with a scowl. “No one knows, because if they did, they’d treat me as if I were some kind of maniac who doesn’t know how to keep his emotions in check. Like you think of me.” He pauses and looks to the ground with a hapless slant of his lips. “Well, fuck me. I’ve fallen for the most judgmental girl I know. The irony is not lost on me.”
“I am not judgmental!” I defend myself with a shocking gasp. How amazing is it that this has now turned on me? Grey is one talented, manipulative bastard, I’ll give him that.
“You think so?” He squints his eyes and walks over to me, tipping my head back. “Then what did you think of me when you first saw me?” His voice is soft, challenging.
I thought he was an obnoxious, rude guy who could lay off the color black.
“Nothing,” I lie and take a step back. “But what I did wonder was what the hell you were doing there, especially now that I know you don’t have a key to the room.”
“Busted.” He raises his hands with a trivial smirk. “I used my special abilities to check out Julia’s roommate…to see if she was worth pursuing.” His eyes squint as he takes a step forward. I instinctively take one back and find myself against the wall. He cocks his head to the side and stares at me with a look that causes my blood to boil.
“And? Was she?” I purse my lips and cross my arms in an attempt to look uninterested in his taunting game.
A smile riddles on his lips.
“What do you think, Princess?”
“Grey—” I begin to say.
“Let me stop you there.” He puts a finger on my lips, and I smack his hand away. He grins and winks. “I am going to take you out to eat. You’re not you when you’re hungry.” He taps my nose, and I glare at him. “Has anyone ever told you you look like an adorable little chipmunk when you’re angry? If not, I’m glad I got the honor.”
“Why should I even go with you, considering you have yet to answer my damn question?” I eye his hand reaching down to mine and hold up a finger, cocking up an eyebrow as if to say don’t push your luck.
He accepts and bows his head. I roll my eyes at his need to be annoying and brush past him. I hate that I’m skipping class, but I am finally getting an inside look in Grey’s mind. Who knows when I’ll get the chance again?
I push away from the wall and begin walking.
“Because, Princess, I’m going to tell you the story of my life,” he says, slinging an arm over my shoulders. “More specifically, why it’s so fucked up.”
I look up at him with an odd look. “Have you been watching 13 Reasons Why?”
He shrugs. “Maybe…my neighbor’s Netflix password is actually: password.” He scoffs, bringing his head back before flashing me a devilish smile that does wonders to my stomach. “The fucker was practically begging to get hacked.”
“You are so juvenile,” I say with a stifled smile.
“Don’t I know it.” He winks at me and walks ahead with swagger in his step.
***
“Can we please get two cheeseburgers with sides of fries and two Long Island iced teas?” he orders and whistles. Handing the waitress our menus, Grey gasps, leans close to her, looks at me, and whispers, “But you gotta make one of them virgin. This one can’t handle her liquor.” He sits up straight and puts his hands on top of the table and arches his eyebrows. “Plus, it just seems fitting: a virgin for the virgin.”
“Grey!” I kick his knee under the table, but he just laughs like a vindictive dictator. I avoid the girl’s pity look and, after she examines his ID and is gone, I pin this bastard with one of my most heated glares. But he doesn’t seem fazed one bit.
“Sue me,” he says in a playful tone and raises his hands in defense. “I’m bipolar; I’m wacky, remember?” He rolls his eyes and leans forward, playing with the set of straws next to us.
“I don’t think that should be an excuse for anything.” But of course, that can’t stop him.
“Sure it can’t.” His words are mumbled as he puts all of his attention into spitting paper at me through a straw.
“What is wrong with you?” I snap while plucking the paper off my face and chucking it at his chest. It bounces off and rolls to a pitiful stop in the center of the table.
“You’re amusing me,” he says vaguely, his eyes twinkling with mischief.
“How am I amusing you?” That’s his way of mocking me.
“It’s more your burning curiosity about me more than anything,” he says and leans back with a smug look dripping off his crooked lips. “I can practically see your desire to just whip out a notebook and get the full scoop on Grey Wyler: Serial panty ripper and notorious cocky son-of-a-bitch. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did. Just don’t be shocked when my lawyers call yours.”
“Is it actually impossible for you to be serious, especially when it comes to something like this?”
He opens his mouth, but the waitress comes back and places our drinks in front of us, interrupting his sarcasm. He tips his head at her with a wink, and she rolls her eyes, pops her bubblegum, and walks over to another table. Grey widens his eyes for emphasis and turns to his drink.
“It’s called a defense mechanism, Princess,” he says, twirling his straw around his mouth. I watch him with curious eyes as he takes a swig and wags a finger at me. “You learn a lot of mind mumbo jumbo bullshit when you’ve been around doctors your whole life.”
“And why was that?” I in
quire, absentmindedly playing with my straw.
His dark eyes watch me while he sips his alcoholic drink. “Don’t wanna talk about it,” he says after several moments stalling with drinking his iced tea.
“I thought you said you would tell me about your ‘life story.’” I make quotation marks with my fingers and lift my eyebrows in question.
“Fine,” he says then sighs in exasperation. “Considering I was practically the only person with a disease in my small town, my parents thought it’d be best if I were treated so I wouldn’t stand out too much. They forced me to see countless doctors in lab coats who sat me in so many uncomfortable chairs, I lost count after a while.” He pauses his solemn words and flashes his cold eyes up to meet mine. “Happy?”
“Not about that,” I answer, and the crook of his lips twitch, but he keeps his face straight and cool. I glance at my drink and take a minute before asking, “Why are you majoring in psychology?”
He shrugs. “I didn’t know what else to choose. I’m not a computer geek to major in computer science, nor am I a book geek to major in English, and all the other choices sucked. So I chose the one I thought I had the most knowledge on.”
“Makes sense,” I say and nod. “Were you treated badly because of it? You know, with the disorder?” I ask him with a tilt of my head.
He cocks his head to the right and lazily points a finger at me. “You mean, did I get abused for it? Did I get bullied? Is that why I fight?” He sits back and shoots me with a smile that doesn’t reflect in his eyes. “Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re interviewing me for a top-secret project. What’s it going to be called? Good Girl Tries to Crack Bad Boy’s Mind, perhaps?” He quirks his eyebrow in a condescending manner.
“I just want to get to know you, Grey,” I say flatly. “You said you would tell me more about you, but if you’ve changed your mind, I can leave.” I stand up to prove my point, and he bites his lip and curls his boot around my ankle and gently pulls, bringing me back down to the seat.
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