Breaking Stars

by J. Sterling

  She shook her head as his voice blasted in her ear. “Are you joking? God, you’re so pathetic. She doesn’t want to hear your half-ass apology. Honestly, Colin, what could you possibly say to her that could fix what you’ve done? She saw the video. The whole damn world saw the video.” She stayed quiet as she listened. “Exactly. There’s nothing to say, so just leave her alone and let her get the hell over you. I already have.” She pulled the phone away from her face and stuck her tongue out at it as she ended the call.

  My mouth hung open. “Holy crap.”

  “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself,” she said as she placed my phone back on the table.

  “Don’t be sorry. That was sort of amazing,” I admitted.

  “Well, I am awesome.”

  “You kind of are.”

  “Kind of? Clearly this breakup has broken your awesomeness meter.”

  “You’re so weird.”

  “I know. Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but have you talked to your mom yet? I’m only asking because she sent me a text earlier.”

  Grateful for the subject change, I said, “Not yet. I should probably call her.”

  “You should. She’ll make you feel better,” Quinn said with a smile.

  “She’ll try.” I pushed up from the chair to go inside. “I’ll be right back.”

  Walking into the privacy of the goddess quarters, I dialed my mom’s number and relaxed on the huge pile of pillows that surrounded me. My eyes focused on the rivets in the bed’s canopy, and I stared at them while the phone rang in my ear.

  “Hey, honey. How’re you doing?”

  My mom’s voice instantly made me want to curl up into a ball and cry. There was just something ultra comforting about mothers and the way they allowed you to drop your guard with just one word.

  I sniffed and wiped the tears off my face. “Hi, Mom.”

  “You okay, sweetheart? You need me to come over?”

  I smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “No. I’m at Quinn’s. I’m going to stay here for a few days.”

  “Okay.” She sighed. “How are you holding up? Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “I’ll be okay. I just need to pretend Colin’s dead and get on with my life,” I said bravely, then started to cry.

  “I could have your father break his kneecaps.” She chuckled over the line. “Sorry, bad joke. But I’m so disappointed. I’ve had that young man over for dinner at our house. I cooked for him! Now I want to bash him over the head with something hard.”

  Wanting to laugh, but not quite there yet, I sniffed. “Get in line.”

  “I wish I had something better to say to you, honey. I’m just so sorry for what you’re going through, and I wish I could take the pain away,” she offered, her voice breaking.

  “Thanks, Mom.” I breathed in a couple of shaky breaths. “Let’s talk about something else. What’s going on with you? How’s work? How’s Dad? How’s Stacey?”

  “Everything’s fine here. Work is the same. Never changes unless something goes on with you, then my phone starts ringing off the hook and I come home to people camped in our bushes and jumping out at me every time I pull in or out of the garage.”

  Guilt pinched at my heart. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. Your dad almost ran one of them over. Claimed he didn’t see them, but I think he did.” She started laughing wickedly and it made me giggle. “And your sister’s good. She just needs to decide which college she’s going to attend in the fall so she can send them her acceptance and we can start planning.”

  “Do you think she’ll leave California?”

  “Honestly? I do. You know how she’s always felt about New York. Ever since you took her there that one year, she’s been obsessed with NYU. But I think she’s trying to decide if she really wants to leave home or not.”

  I thought back to when I filmed a movie in New York City when I was eighteen. Stacey was about to turn fourteen at the time, but I wanted her to experience some of the things I was, so I flew her out for a week during her spring break. Her face had lit up with wonder the second we entered the city. Neither one of us had ever seen anything like it in our lives: the tall buildings, the nightlife, the people. Just like the saying, New York was a city that never slept. No matter what time we were up or what we were doing, a hundred other people always surrounded us. It was exciting, and when we happened to walk past NYU one day, she’d proclaimed, “I’m going to go to college here,” and I believed her.

  “Yeah. It’s a tough decision,” I said, wondering what I would do if I were my sister.

  “Call her when you have a chance. She’s worried about you, but she never calls you because she doesn’t want to bother you. She always thinks she bothers you.”

  “I know. It’s because she calls right when I’m in the middle of filming, or at an interview or something,” I said as the guilt squeezed me a little harder.

  “You’re always busy, Paige. Make time for her, please,” my mom insisted.

  “I will. I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

  “Okay. Be careful, sweetheart. We all worry about you. And I’m really sorry again about everything you’re going through.”

  “Thanks. It will pass. It always does.” Not that I’d been through anything like this before, but I’d been around long enough to know today’s front-page news didn’t last long before being replaced by someone else’s front-page news. “’Bye, Mom,” I said before hanging up.

  Walking into the bathroom, I reached for a washcloth and splashed some water on my face to wipe away the tears that had left streak marks. Convinced it wouldn’t be the last time today that tears fell from my eyes, I washed away any remaining makeup from my skin and rinsed out the cloth.

  After digging in my bag for two ibuprofen, I swallowed them and downed a full glass of water before walking back outside. Moving toward the lounge chair, I positioned myself and sat back down.

  “How’s Mom?” Quinn chirped from her lounge chair without opening her eyes.

  I sighed. “She’s sad for me. And worried. And wants to come over.”

  “That’s normal. Moms want to fix everything for us. Bless their hearts.”

  The wind whipped gently through my hair and I reached back, gathering it all in my hand before twisting it into a knot at the base of my head.

  “Stacey’s getting ready to choose which college she wants to attend,” I said as my voice quivered.

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh no, what?” I asked.

  “I know that tone. You get it every time you talk about someone from your hometown going off to college.” She rolled her eyes and glanced out toward the ocean.

  “I know I do. I can’t help it.”

  “I hate how much you want that life,” Quinn said softly, her tone filled with sadness.

  “It’s crazy, right? That I’m jealous of my little sister when I’m one of the most sought-after actresses in the country.”

  Quinn shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know how crazy it is. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always missed out on having those normal, boring moments. It doesn’t surprise me that this whole college thing is springing back up.”

  “It’s not boring,” I complained.

  “I beg to differ.”

  I laughed. “What do you even know about it? You’ve been an actress your entire life. You don’t even know what you’re missing,” I reminded her with a sigh.

  “Bingo.” She placed a finger on her nose and pointed at me with her other hand. “And that’s the problem.”

  Confused, I shaded my eyes with a hand and squinted at her. “Uh, what’s the problem?”

  “You were basically ripped out of school and shut off from all your friends. You know what you’re missing because it was all taken away from you when you weren’t ready.”

  I nodded because she was absolutely right. Sure, I loved acting, but looking back, I had no idea what I would be giving up. It all
started for me when a scout approached me in the mall one day while I was shopping with a group of girlfriends. Completely typical, for sure, but that was how it happened. She handed me her business card and insisted I have my parents call her as soon as I got home. That led to a face-to-face meeting at her office in Beverly Hills, which led to my signing with her as my manager. Multiple acting classes followed, and a big-name talent agent signed me almost immediately. Apparently all of this was rather unheard of in this day and age, but they said I was a “natural” and that the camera loved me.

  What had been normal for me quickly turned into anything but. My high school years were spent in makeshift classrooms on movie sets, and all my old friendships fell to the wayside. It wasn’t intentional, and it wasn’t even entirely my fault. My schedule was so busy it was hard to stay in contact with people, and all my old friends were doing their own thing as well. When we did talk, they were experiencing things I couldn’t relate to anymore, and vice versa. We no longer had much in common, which made conversations difficult and uncomfortable. Eventually I stopped talking to almost everyone from my old school.

  At the time, I never regretted all the things I missed out on. But looking back at it now that I was twenty-one, and with everything Stacey was getting to do, I wished that I had accepted Daniel Mack’s invitation to prom. I could have never attended since I was on location filming a movie at the time, but I found myself longing for a sense of normalcy now more than ever.

  I glanced over at Quinn. “I just don’t see what the big deal is. Why can’t I do what I want to do? I’m not saying I’m going to stay in college until I get a degree, but I’m not saying I won’t either. I don’t know, but I want to try. Why does everyone freak out when I mention it?”

  Quinn lowered her sunglasses so she could eyeball me, and I narrowed my gaze to meet hers. “Because you’re their cash cow, Paige. You know this. You stop giving them milk because you want to visit a new farm, they freak. I’ve told you this before, but I really hate your agent and your manager. They aren’t good people. Why do you think Madison left? Jayson’s an asshole.”

  “I know, but I’ve been with him since the beginning, so it’s just easier.”

  “Easier to what? Compromise everything you want? Have absolutely zero say in your own life?”

  “It’s just easier to stay,” I said sadly before slipping my sunglasses over my eyes to hide from her judgment.

  “Paige Lockwood, the sweetest girl in Hollywood. Oh, if they only knew how true their headlines about you were.” Quinn smiled as she took a swig of her lime-filled beer.

  “What am I supposed to do then?”

  She waved a dismissive hand in the air. “Leave them. Someone else would be happy to have you. Hell, sign with Madison. I’m sure she’d actually give a shit about you and your career. I’ve even thought about signing with her.”

  “Shut up,” I said incredulously. “You have not.”

  Her eyebrows raised as she pursed her lips together. “I have so. I even talked to Walker the other day about it.”

  My interest was piqued. “What’d he say? Although he’s completely biased, so you can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.”

  Quinn rolled her eyes. “He is, but…” She hesitated for a second. “He says that she’s the greatest thing to happen to his on-screen career. They discuss everything he’s offered and decide together if they think it’s a good move or not. He says she’s completely invested in what’s best for his future and the things he wants to accomplish. And I know it’s not just because she’s dating him, it’s because that’s the kind of person she is.”

  I nodded. “That’s true. Madison is a really good person and she has integrity. I always liked her.”

  “Just know that you have options, Paige. You always have options, okay?”

  “Then why do I always feel so trapped?”

  Quinn slipped her sunglasses over her eyes and leaned back in her chair. “Because you refuse to rattle that cage you’re in. It’s easier to stay behind the bars.”

  Her words struck more than just a nerve in me as I sucked in a quick breath and my chest tightened. The only question I had to ask myself now was: What was I going to do about it?

  Meeting of the Minds

  Paige

  I spent the next few days holed up with Quinn. The paparazzi refused to leave, and even though I felt incredibly guilty for bringing all this drama to Quinn and Ryson’s front gate, they both insisted that they were used to it and couldn’t care less. Plus, I think Ryson enjoyed having people to direct his pent-up anger at.

  “You don’t have to go,” Quinn whined as I folded my clothes and placed them into my duffel bag.

  “I can’t stay here forever, Quinn. I need to go home and just…” I paused from packing to choose my words. “To just put all of this in the past. I can’t do that if I keep avoiding it.”

  She tilted her head and blond strands fell across her eyes. “You’re such a grown-up. One day I want to be just like you.”

  I swatted her shoulder. “Don’t make fun of me.”

  “I’m not! I’m seriously not. You’re just so damn well adjusted, it’s almost nauseating.”

  “Thanks,” I muttered, not quite sure if that was a compliment or not.

  “No, really, Paige. I think it’s because you weren’t raised in this crazy environment your whole life. You’re just more stable or something.” She waved a frustrated hand in the air. “Geez, I don’t know what the hell I’m trying to say.”

  “I love you,” I said before launching into her arms and squeezing tight. “Thank you for saving me this week.”

  “I love you too.” She pushed me away and leveled her gaze on mine. “That’s what best friends are for. So are you really going to try to take a break and go to school?”

  I nodded. “I think so. I have a meeting scheduled with Jayson at three, so we’ll see what he says.”

  “Good luck.”

  “I’ll need it,” I admitted before slinging my duffel bag onto my shoulder.

  “I know.”

  • • •

  Walking down the hallway toward my agent’s door, I stopped myself from putting on a big smile for Madison as I remembered that she no longer worked there. Making a mental note to touch base with her and schedule a lunch, I exchanged pleasantries with Jayson’s latest disaster of an assistant on my way into his oversized office.

  “Paige, great. Sit down,” Jayson directed me from behind his desk.

  I did as I was told. Hazard of the job, right?

  “Did you read the script? Pretty great, isn’t it?” he asked without waiting for a response from me.

  I hated when my agent and manager did that sort of thing. They were constantly asking me questions that they never let me answer. Both of them always expected me to agree, and I usually did, in part because I hated rocking the boat. Being agreeable kept everyone else happy.

  Honestly, I loved acting. But there were times, like right now, when I really wanted a break. I longed to go to college the way my little sister was preparing to. My soul needed something normal back in my life. This world, no matter how much I adored being a part of it, was nowhere near normal.

  I felt so out of touch with people my own age, the very people I should able to relate to the most. We basically had nothing in common anymore and it freaked me out. How could my fans take me seriously if I couldn’t identify with what it was like to be like them on a typical day? It occurred to me in this moment that if I was surrounded by people my own age, I’d be the outcast, not them.

  Thoughts weaved and bobbed inside my head as Jayson tapped his pen on top of his desk. “Hello, Paige? Did you hear me?” He frowned as I blinked twice before meeting his narrowed gaze. “I asked if you read the script?”

  I sucked in a quick breath and decided to be brutally honest for the first time since I started in this business. “I hated it,” I admitted. The script was written beautifully, but the story was awful. The ri
diculous message it conveyed was one of epic proportion. It was the same old unbelievable story, and I was tired of playing predictable, over-the-top, unchallenging roles.

  “You hated it?” he sputtered as tiny balls of spit formed in the corners of his mouth.

  “There was nothing special about it. I don’t see what I’d bring to the role that any other actress couldn’t.” I shrugged and straightened my back, my sincerity giving me some much-needed courage.

  “What’s going on, Paige? Is this about Colin?” He cocked his head to the side, the look on his face not the least bit understanding. “Because everyone’s on your side.”

  I waved my hand, cutting him off. “This has nothing to do with Colin,” I said tersely. “This has to do with the fact that you keep presenting me with the same scripts over and over again no matter how many times I tell you that I need something different. I want to be challenged. I want to grow.”

  “But these parts scream your name, Paige. The public eats it up when you play these lovey-dovey roles. Especially now that you’ve been wronged by Colin. They’ll flock to the theater to support you. This movie will make buckets of money for everyone involved,” he insisted, practically foaming at the mouth.

  “I don’t care about the money.”

  Jayson narrowed his eyes at me. “And that’s why you have me. Because I sure as shit do.”

  “I think that’s part of the problem,” I muttered.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I think…” I paused before regaining my composure, then stared him right in the eye and said firmly, “I want to take a break.”

  Jayson’s face screwed up so tightly I thought his bushy eyebrows might stick to each other. “You want to take a break from what?”

  “From acting. I need some real-life experience to pull from. I’m ready to go to college. I’ve told you and Corryn that before. I’d like to do it now because I think it’ll make me a better actor in the future.”

  Scrambling, I attempted to sell the point in a way he’d understand. If I spun it as helping me get roles in the future, maybe he’d see things my way.