Her Motherhood Wish

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  As Elaina let him know that she was off earlier than planned and would stop at the big box store for the toilet paper and other household items they needed, Wood watched Cassie pull her bag onto her lap, getting her keys out.

  “Are you at home?” Elaina’s question took him by surprise. They didn’t generally check up on each other.

  “No,” he said.

  “I was just going to ask you to check the cupboard for body wash,” she said. “I think I took the last one.”

  “You did.” He’d noticed it gone when he’d needed a new box of tissues. And was concerned that if he didn’t get off soon, Cassie would be gone before he did.

  “Are you gone for the day?”

  A fair question. Any other day he’d have thought nothing of it.

  “No. I’m at lunch,” he said.

  And glanced over to see Cassie watching him. Like she could somehow see that he hadn’t been enough for the woman on the other end of the line. He hadn’t been romantically interested in her, where he could have been, and he hadn’t been enough to attract her interest, either. Not in that way.

  Elaina was asking if he wanted to do dinner. Another perfectly normal question between them. He agreed. And rang off.

  “Your ex-wife?” Cassie asked, scooting to the edge of the booth, her bag on her shoulder.

  “Yes.”

  “Everything okay?”

  He stood as she did, pulling cash for the bill out of his pocket and leaving it on the table as he grabbed his credit card. “Fine,” he told her, the truth loud and clear in his voice as he followed her out.

  She continued to be friendly as they walked back to their vehicles. His truck was just beyond her car, so he stopped as she split from him.

  “Thanks for lunch,” she said, turning at the driver’s door to look back at him, standing just off the rear bumper.

  “What time do you want me to pick you up on Wednesday?”

  She hesitated, and he waited for her to tell him she’d changed her mind and would go alone. “I’d really like to be there, Cassie,” he said softly. But the decision was hers.

  She nodded. Connected gazes with him for a second, and then said, “Seven-thirty in the morning would be great. I need to get there early for prep time...” She waited only long enough for him to nod and then was in her vehicle with the door shut, reaching for the safety belt.

  He’d been dismissed. Or felt as though he had. And didn’t blame her. Or Elaina, either.

  Didn’t blame anyone.

  He just didn’t like how things had changed between them the second Elaina’s call came through. And wondered how much of the change had really happened and how much he’d read into the situation.

  He knew Elaina thought he should make more of himself...it didn’t mean she was right. Or that Cassie, another highly educated woman, would agree with her. It also didn’t mean that if he’d gone to college, become some high-powered real estate magnate or developer, that their marriage would have worked.

  His brother had been the love of her life. He’d known that going in.

  And the knowing didn’t keep feelings of failure from his doorstep. Because maybe...if he’d been more, different somehow... Elaina could have fallen for him, too. Or at least found him attractive. In a husbandly kind of way.

  He hadn’t gone into the marriage expecting that kind of attraction, and yet, somewhere along the way, he’d begun to doubt himself when it didn’t happen.

  Shaking his head, he started his truck, attempting to rid himself of the malarkey.

  He was who he was.

  And that was going to be enough.

  Chapter Five

  Things might be fine for Wood. They weren’t fine for Cassie. Sitting there with Wood, talking about movies and jobs and games on their phones...she’d forgotten that he was just a medical part of her insemination process. For a second or two, she’d even forgotten that she was pregnant. She’d been a woman enjoying a meal alone with a man.

  A man she found incredibly attractive. A man whose gaze could settle the fears and doubts pushing up from inside her.

  A man who’d paid for her lunch.

  Kind of like a date.

  And therein lay her problem. For a second there, she’d felt like she was on a date. Wished it had been a date. For a second...

  And then his ex-wife had called. Bringing reality crashing back down around her. He hadn’t asked her out on a date. He’d asked her to lunch to discuss their situation. He had his own life.

  Still shared a residence with his ex-wife. Still took her calls and...

  And she had her own life, too.

  Ten minutes after she arrived back home, she was out on the private beach she shared with several neighbors, in a maternity swimsuit, reclining with a towel, a book, a thermos of water and her phone. There were a few others out, on both sides of her. Close enough that she could hear voices. Not so close she could make out what they were saying.

  With the sun warming her skin while the light breeze caressed it, she was tempted to lie back, close her eyes and nap.

  A great plan, except that she wasn’t a napper. Closed eyes during the day were viewed as an invitation to her mind to begin to spin. She opened her book, a novel that had been on the New York Times bestseller list the year she was born. Something to do with a woman who traveled the world while different parts of herself raged war inside her. And there was a man, too. She’d probably fall in love with him.

  Cassie was pretty certain the hero of this book would ask the heroine on a date the first time they met. Even if she was carrying his baby.

  All she’d wanted to do was have a family of her own. Not entangle herself in other people’s lives.

  Wood was being sweet, but he owed her nothing. She couldn’t let him feel like he did. He was obviously a decent man. One who took responsibility very seriously. To the point that he was still sharing a home with his ex-wife.

  Because he was still in love with her?

  Maybe. And even if he wasn’t, he clearly felt responsible for her. The speed with which he’d answered her call, the look on his face as he’d glanced at Cassie, had made that much obvious.

  Wood was in her life because she’d chosen his sperm. And called him. He was there only to try to prevent his child from serious health issues, if reason arose.

  He wasn’t the father of her child.

  It wasn’t fair to him, or to herself, if she didn’t keep that fact straight from the start.

  Their situation...it couldn’t help but be emotional, with a baby’s life possibly in the balance. And as such, any other feelings they might feel when they were together were only growing out of that one thing they had in common. The one thing that had brought them together.

  It would be completely wrong for her to think it was anything else. To confuse need, or compassion, for love.

  As her mom had done with her dad.

  She picked up her phone. She wasn’t going to call Wood. Seemed too familiar. Didn’t like the feel of a text, either, since it seemed private and hidden, just between the two of them.

  She didn’t have his email. Or his address, not that that mattered. If she mailed a letter on Monday, it was probable that he’d get it on Tuesday, but there was no guarantee; she had to reach him before Wednesday morning, when he’d otherwise show up at her house at seven thirty and she’d be too glad to see him and too on edge about the amniocentesis to send him away.

  I’ve changed my mind about Wednesday. I need to do this alone.

  As she typed out the text, she had to hold her phone in the shade of her body and pull her sunglasses down her nose to reread her message. Satisfied, she hit Send.

  Opened her book.

  And pretended that she didn’t feel like a soul lost out at sea.

  * * *

  Elaina had suggest
ed that she and Wood drive up the coast for dinner. It was Saturday night, and neither of them had been out for a while. A comedian Elaina and Peter had introduced him to was performing at a little dinner theater they’d frequented many times, and Wood accepted the invitation, ready for a few minutes of respite from the intensity trying to rage inside him. His libido and emotions warring against facts.

  In a short green fitted dress with high heels to match, his ex-wife was a beauty without even trying. Male heads always turned when he walked in a room with her. He had no idea if she ever noticed that.

  And had never asked himself why the attention hadn’t ever made him jealous. Even when they’d been married, he’d never felt like she was his woman. Or his partner—not just in a sexual sense, but in a companion sense. They’d been friends, family, just not...partners.

  Because he’d known better. Elaina was his brother’s wife. He’d never loved her in that way.

  That night he’d managed to get a table for two close to the stage by paying a hefty sum for it. Dinner, a bourbon pork that was one of their favorites, was superb. She was nursing her one glass of wine and he’d almost finished his second beer as she glanced over at him, brows raised, and he smiled. He’d hung his jacket over the back of his chair, had already unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, and still he was warm. How guys wore suits all day long every day he could never understand. Elaina liked him in them, and so he owned one.

  On the drive home, the tension that he’d been trying to ignore all night rose to critical level. It eased as he thought about waiting until the next day to talk to her. It wasn’t like Wednesday would happen overnight. He had three more days.

  Cassie was alone every second that passed. Dealing with her worry, keeping her secret, alone. She’d changed her mind about letting him go with her to the appointment. He’d sensed that was coming. She’d been like a different woman after Elaina’s call. Still kind and pleasant. Just...different. He’d felt the loss—and sensed that she was feeling it, too. She’d wanted him to go with her. There’d been no mistaking that.

  “You awake?” His voice broke into what should have been a relaxing, comfortable silence.

  Elaina lifted her head. “Yeah.” And then, “You ready to tell me what’s on your mind?”

  Gaze leaving the largely vacant freeway briefly, he glanced at her. He knew her well. And she knew him well, too.

  “I had a call yesterday morning... Do you remember when Peter first started his residency at the Parent Portal?”

  “Of course. We had to move to Marie Cove because of it. You said you got a call,” she continued. “Was it a job offer? Back in LA? Is someone offering you a chance at full contracting?”

  He had his contractor’s license. Could be in business for himself. Bidding jobs, hiring crews like his, along with plumbers and electricians and drywallers. She wanted that for him.

  He liked being free to be available at home whenever he was needed. Liked not having a job that required his first loyalty. And the rest... He already picked his own crew. Bid his jobs. Ran them. He just did it all for whatever contractor hired him...

  “No...the call wasn’t for a job. It was from the Parent Portal.”

  She leaned forward. He heard the movement. Could see her turned toward him, briefly highlighted and shadowed by the headlights that sped past in the opposite direction across the median.

  “Something to do with Peter?” she asked, her voice softer, hoarse. She’d told him once that she missed his brother every second of every day.

  Wood could relate. He was pretty sure that not a day had gone by since his little brother’s death that he didn’t think of him at least once.

  “Indirectly,” he told her. “Peter asked me to donate sperm to the clinic,” he said, just needing it done now. If she showed shock, surprise even, that someone had picked his sample over others’, so what? Didn’t change any of the facts. “He was hitting up everyone he could,” he added.

  “I remember,” she told him. “He donated, too. We talked about it...” He heard her intake of breath as she broke off. And then she said, “Is that what this is about? Someone used Peter’s sperm? His baby is out there and the family is seeking contact?”

  Something like that. But not quite. “Someone used my sperm,” he told her. “And the woman was seeking contact.”

  He glanced her way and then back, sparing himself whatever surprise she might be showing. Didn’t hear an intake of breath, even.

  “Was that your lunch today?” she asked him, sounding more curious than anything.

  “Yes.”

  She was facing forward now, no longer even pretending relaxation. Her eyes wide-open, she stared out the windshield. Her hands were clasped together over her stomach, but that telltale rubbing back and forth of one thumb up and down the other gave her away every time.

  “What did she want? Is the child in some kind of danger?”

  “She’s only four months pregnant. And yes, the fetus could be compromised. She’ll know more next week. Worst-case scenario, she might need my bone marrow.”

  Elaina’s head turned toward him then. “You told her you’d donate, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Wow. How horrible for her. I’m assuming it’s blood related?”

  He answered her questions. Cassie’s age, which she’d told him over lunch. The fact that it was her first child. What he knew about what was seen on the ultrasound. Mostly just confirmation of what she was guessing was going on. And as he reached their exit and slowed the truck, he listened as she told him in more detail what a bone marrow transplant would involve for him, the donor, and for the baby, too. Describing tests and time frames. Procedures. The wait to see if the transplant was a success. Percentages of chances of success.

  She was still discussing the situation as he pulled into the garage, and as they walked into their house together.

  Elaina went down on her knees to greet Retro, who came running in through the doggy door. Taking her head in both hands, rubbing her and bending to bury her face in the dog’s neck for a hug. “Did you get any sense of what kind of support system she has?” she asked, her face even with Retro’s as they both looked up at him.

  Their gazes were a spotlight, the family spotlight, on him, and there he stood. Trying to find his place.

  “A solid one,” he said. Repeated almost verbatim what Cassie had told him about her friends and family. Her law partners.

  “Good,” Elaina said. “She’s going to need it. Long term, if the situation requires it, but right now, too, as she makes her way through the initial adjustment...”

  “There might not be an adjustment,” he had to point out. “The baby could be just fine.”

  “She’s had the scare, Wood. She’s known real fear,” she said. “That doesn’t just disappear with a healthy diagnosis.”

  Good point. One he filed right there on top with everything else that had just taken over his list of important matters.

  “You feel responsible for her,” Elaina said next, standing to face him.

  “Of course I do.” He started to feel defensive, and shook his head, meeting Elaina’s open brown gaze. “I feel strongly about doing what I can,” he admitted to her. “My genes could be responsible...”

  “It’s not thought to be hereditary, but leukemia is a genetic disease,” she affirmed. “Still... I worry about you, Wood.” She looked him right in the eye. “Your whole life...you take on others’ problems, to the detriment of having a life of your own—after your dad died...then giving up your football career for Peter when your mom died. And taking me in when Peter did...”

  “What would you have had me do? Turn my back on them? Or you?” He’d thought she’d known him better than that. Understood him better. He’d done what he had because he’d wanted to, as well as needed to.

  “No, of course not. It’s
just...”

  “It’s my biological child. I can’t turn my back on it.”

  “Of course not. I’m not suggesting you do. At all. I’m just... Be careful, okay?”

  Don’t expect too much to come of it, Wood translated. Don’t expect too much of Cassie. As he had of Elaina.

  He’d never forget the night he’d tried to kiss her, thinking they might become a real husband and wife, trying to give her the option of a full life again, and seen the horrified expression on her face when she’d realized what he was doing.

  Horrified for him, that was.

  She’d been sorry. So sorry. Had cried for him.

  All in all, she’d taken the actual rejection much harder than he had. He’d been told no before. Had been ready to shrug it all off. Hadn’t really even been feeling it all that much himself, but had been willing to try to build more...

  Until she’d felt sorry for him. That was what had rankled. Not the fact that he hadn’t had sex that night.

  “Believe me, I’m in this for the child,” he told her now. “The mother is out of my league.”

  “I don’t like it when you talk that way about yourself.” And yet, he noticed that she didn’t deny his assertion.

  “I offered to take her to the procedure on Wednesday.” He told her about Cassie’s decision not to tell her loved ones about the worrisome prognosis until she knew more.

  He stood there, letting her study him, not sure what she’d find.

  And then she nodded. “You’re always the guy with the strongest shoulders. I do love that about you, in spite of what I just said about you having a life of your own.”

  He smiled at her. She saw him as he was. That’s what family did.

  “Would you do me a favor, then?”

  “Sure, what?”

  “Would you call Cassie? Let her know that I’m a good guy who’s only trying to help where he can? She’s...an independent sort, and while I get the idea that she wants me around, she won’t let herself accept help.”

  “I’ll call her if she wants me to, Wood, of course, but ultimately the choice is all hers. You know that.”