Her Motherhood Wish

by Tara Taylor Quinn

  He’d kicked.

  She’d felt her first real evidence that he was alive. Their first son-to-Mama communication.

  Picking up her phone again, she opened her messenger app.

  The baby kicked for the first time tonight. Just keeping you informed.

  And then, turning out the light, she lay down and let the television talk her to sleep.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Wood was out in the shed, gluing and nailing the last of the crib frame, when Cassie’s text came through.

  He read it once. Continued to work. Read it again. Worked some more.

  Kept picturing Cassie’s belly bump with his hand on top of it. Imagined her smooth, soft skin. And couldn’t come up with any idea of what that kick would feel like to him. He’d never felt a baby kick on the outside, let alone from inside a sac of fluid, through layers of protective fat and skin. And maybe he never would—feel it from the outside.

  But he wanted to.

  Just as he’d been antsy to text her all night. But Elaina’s words were still rankling. Still demanding he make sense of them.

  His idea, that she thought herself too good for him, had hurt her badly. Not that he’d ever made the exact claim, but his comment to her had been laced with a resentment that had been building inside him for too long.

  The idea that he’d been harboring a wrong assumption all these years still hung there. Suspended.

  As though awaiting trial. More evidence.

  Something.

  As the night had grown late, and he was starting to bother himself with how much Cassie was on his mind, he’d determined that it was probably best that he go one night without checking in on her. One night.

  She’d gotten along fine without him her entire life. One night wasn’t going to make a difference to anyone but him. And he needed to do without her or risk messing up his entire life. And her and Alan’s lives, too.

  And so it went for much of the night. By the time he fell into bed a couple of hours before dawn, he’d completed four spindles. Had no answers. And hadn’t texted Cassie back.

  * * *

  Wood mowed the lawn first thing Sunday morning. He played with Retro for over an hour after that, working on having her sit and stay until Wood gave the command to let her go find the ball he’d thrown.

  He talked to the dog about Alan, though. For a good part of the morning. And when Retro finally tired of playing, sitting in front of Wood, her tongue hanging out, Wood slowed down, too. Met the dog’s gaze and realized that he just needed to do what Retro did. What Wood had always done. Tend to his people. Period. Retro didn’t question herself. Didn’t worry about what could come.

  Wood was making too much out of everything. Elaina. Cassie. The baby. They were all in his life at the moment, which meant that he would be there for them. He couldn’t predict the future. Couldn’t control it, either, God knew. But he could trust himself to deal with it.

  He was a smart man. A strong man. He’d never failed his family before. Never not met his obligations. Even at seventeen, he’d come through. There was no reason for him to doubt himself now.

  Peace settled within him as he went in to shower.

  He was planning to spend the day in his workshop. With perhaps a side trip to the beach. Some of the guys on his crew were having a family cookout and sand volleyball tournament later that afternoon, and he figured he’d put in an appearance. He’d put up the money for the hamburgers and hot dogs.

  But first...after dressing in shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops, he grabbed his phone off his nightstand. Opened the text message app. Clicked on Cassie. And hit Call.

  “Wood? Are you okay?” She’d picked up on the first ring. He heard tension in her voice.

  “Yeah,” he told her. “Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner.” About to make some blow-off excuse for the fact that he hadn’t returned her text the night before, he saw Retro sitting there, staring at him. “You have any interest in meeting my dog?” he asked, ideas coming to him as he stood there. “We could take her for a walk along the ocean path...” Several miles of pathed path, converted railroad track, accessible only from private beach access.

  “I’d love the exercise,” she said, sounding better already, and he pushed back the twinge of guilt that came with her improved disposition. Guilt for not having contacted her sooner.

  Guilt for the sudden adrenaline surging through him. Something he’d never felt at the prospect of spending an afternoon with anyone.

  He shook that off. Asked her how soon she could be ready. And offered to come get her. The day seemed just about perfect when she agreed to have him collect her.

  * * *

  It had been a long time since Cassie had had a dog of her own, but after about fifteen minutes in the company of Wood and Retro, she wanted one. It wasn’t a practical idea. Not with working full-time and a baby on the way. But someday...

  Alan would need a dog. She felt sure of it.

  Riding in Wood’s truck felt...comfortable. Normal. Even with the dog nosing greetings at her behind the ear from the back seat. She laughed out loud and shushed Wood as he started to discipline the dog. “I’m fine,” she said. “She’s just being friendly.”

  And she was—as friendly and kind as her master. They walked for half an hour, mostly talking about Retro and her training. And the balmy late June weather they were enjoying. It had rained a couple of days during the week, for a few hours each day, but that Sunday afternoon graced them with beautiful blue skies and sunshine. In black biker shorts, which easily accommodated her growing belly, and a thigh-length white cotton top and tennis shoes, Cassie felt the week’s tension fall away.

  And then, with Retro walking more calmly on the leash beside him, Wood said, “I’m sorry I didn’t text last night. I made a conscious choice not to, and I regret that choice.”

  He made a conscious choice? That weight she’d just shed started to set upon her again.

  “You need to do what you need to do, Wood,” she said at once. “And you have no reason to apologize or feel in any bad way about that. This baby...having him, creating him, even, was my choice. You owe us nothing. To the contrary, we owe you everything. Your generous donation allowed Alan to come into existence, allowed me to have the family I’ve always wanted...”

  He walked steadily as she unloaded feelings that had been building since they’d found out that Alan was going to be okay.

  There was silence between them for a few seconds after she stopped talking. People passed them, a few bikes, a pair of senior citizen in-line skaters. Families sat on the beach in the distance as the path led downhill from cliff side to shoreline.

  “I purposely didn’t text because I don’t want to insinuate myself into your life more fully than you’d like and thought that perhaps I might be doing so.”

  The boundaries he’d talked about. She hadn’t even started a list.

  “I’d tell you if you were,” she said.

  “I wish I could be sure of that.”

  Pulling him off the path, though, at the moment, there was no one else close to them in either direction, she looked him straight in the eye. “If you’re sure of nothing else, be sure of that, Wood. I’m not a woman who’s afraid to speak up. If you were trespassing in my space more than I wanted, or in any way that made me uncomfortable, you’d know about it.”

  He stared into her eyes. She let him see everything that was there.

  “Case in point, my unease regarding your taking any responsibility or feeling any obligation here.”

  He nodded. And when he grinned, it was like the sun had just become twice as brilliant. Blinding her.

  “I want you in my life,” she added. “And not just because of Alan. I like you, Woodrow Alexander.”

  “I like you, too.”

  She needed to hug him. So started walking again instead
.

  * * *

  He’d made up his mind. He was doing nothing wrong. And he wasn’t going to.

  As long as he was honest with Cassie, and himself, they’d find a way through whatever complications arose. When they arose.

  “What would you think about having dinner once a week?” he asked as a sedate Retro walked beside Cassie on their way back. Twice, Wood had noticed the Lab turn and gently lick Cassie’s hand.

  Cassie glanced at him. “Really?”

  “Yeah. I eat alone an average of seven out of seven nights a week,” he said. “I was thinking it would be a way for us to get to know each other better. For Alan’s sake.”

  At least in big part for the baby’s sake, or he wouldn’t have asked.

  “I’d love to have dinner on a regular basis,” she said, and her obvious pleasure made him smile. He’d been doing that a lot that afternoon. Way more than usual. Something about her brought out a happy in him that he didn’t feel all that often. “I’d still like to exchange nightly texts, though, if that’s not a problem for you,” she added.

  Yep. Life was much better when you just let it flow. “Believe me, it’s not a problem.”

  “I just like knowing that you’re okay,” she told him. “I know that’s ridiculous. I’ve lived thirty-four years without knowing a thing about you, and suddenly, I relax better at night knowing you’re out there and all right.”

  Her words almost stopped him in his tracks. He had to consciously prevent himself from asking her to repeat them.

  It was a basic concept in his life, his own bottom line—he needed to know the ones he cared about were all right.

  When you’d lost a loved one...more than one...

  She’d just told him she cared about him—like one who cared for their family.

  “Ditto” was all he said.

  But once again, his world had just changed.

  * * *

  They were almost at the truck, another quarter mile or so, and Cassie didn’t want to go back without clarity. She didn’t have a list. Couldn’t put boundaries around them. But she also didn’t want to screw up what might be the best adult relationship she’d ever had.

  Certainly one that was seeming to mean more to her than any other, excluding her parents. Far different from her parents. Closer, in some ways.

  She needed more. And didn’t know how to establish that in a way that didn’t ruin things between them. She kept reminding herself she’d only known him a matter of weeks.

  Her heart didn’t seem to get the point.

  “So...you felt him move last night?” Wood asked, his hands in his pockets as they walked. No chance her fingers could bump into his. But she bumped her arm to his. And managed to hold the contact as they walked.

  “Yeah, I think so. I’m pretty much certain that’s what it was. Based on what I read on the internet.”

  “But it hasn’t happened since?”

  “No. And from what I’ve read, that’s common, too. At first.”

  “What was it like?”

  She glanced over the foot and a half or so that had been separating them the entire walk—purposefully, she was sure—and liked the warm curiosity in his vivid blue eyes.

  “Like something’s pushing at you from the inside out,” she said. “I know that sounds obvious, but...it was strong enough that it took my breath away. Not from the force, but from the shock of it.”

  “Did it hurt?”

  She shook her head. “Not at all. It was kind of like a soft rubber ball, or something, just bouncing once off the inside of my skin.” Not quite, but it was as close as she could come.

  He asked about morning sickness again. So far she’d had none. And, hard as it was to believe, she didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy at the moment. And have the conversation take up her last moments with him.

  Retro saw another dog, watched intently, but didn’t miss her stride. Cassie handed over the leash anyway, just in case, and felt a sweet warmth pass through her as her fingers brushed Wood’s.

  He’d shown her a picture of the crib frame he’d already completed while they’d been stopped at a light on the way to the beach. And talked to her about Elaina’s suggestions for design changes. Something perverse had made her want to reject them outright, and when she’d recognized the feelings of jealousy, she’d reeled herself in. Thought about the changes and approved every one of them. Even relaxed enough to feel gratitude toward the other woman for suggesting them.

  “I’ve given a lot of thought to your request for clear boundaries.” She felt like she blurted the words. As they neared the parking lot, the path grew more populated. A family of five on bikes. Couples walking hand in hand. A group of teenage girls, scantily dressed, talking loud and giggling.

  “And?” Wood didn’t seem to notice the cacophony going on around them. She resented its intrusion but was grateful for its protection, too.

  “I need a better understanding of what you’re envisioning.” The words were a cop-out. She didn’t want to impose boundaries. Or wasn’t ready to define them. What if she inadvertently shut out something that she didn’t even know was there yet?

  Or turned her back on something because she couldn’t see it?

  As a toddler on a tricycle almost ran into Retro, Wood veered them off the path and down toward a stretch of beach. Up the hill, on the cliff side, his truck sat waiting for them, ready to end the outing. She could see it there.

  “I have someplace else to be in about an hour,” Wood said, telling her, she was sure, that he was putting off the conversation that had to happen.

  Because it would end what had only just begun?

  He’d assured her he was always going to be around. Because of Alan. But a lot of people raised kids without really even speaking to each other.

  “It’s a cookout on a private stretch of beach not far from here, actually. Retro and I are going to be heading there as soon as we drop you off.”

  “Okay.” She really didn’t need a blow-by-blow accounting.

  “I’m the host,” he continued, stopping in the sand to look up at her. She met Retro’s gaze. The dog sat and was staring at her as though she knew something was coming.

  “It’s for my crew and their families.”

  She got it. He had plans...

  “I can’t take you,” he said, his voice changing, and she finally looked up at him. At the short, bushy blond hair, the smoothly shaved skin, those eyes that showed her so much more than his words said.

  She read regret there. And she was starting to understand.

  “Because they’d think we’re an item.”

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t want people to see us together.”

  Regret surged through her, now, too. Something else they shared.

  “We can’t be an item,” he said. “That’s my boundary.” He was still holding her gaze, his face just so incredibly beautiful to her. More than handsome...he was it. The man to her woman.

  “We can’t be a couple.”

  She’d known that.

  And a flower in her soul wilted.

  “And I can’t have casual sex with you.”

  His honesty broke through to places in her heart no one had ever been before.

  “I don’t think I’d find sex with you casual, either,” she said, needing so badly to kiss him even as she said the words, but knowing just as strongly that she wouldn’t.

  “Other than that, I have no boundaries.” In that split second, everything changed. Instead of doors closing, it felt like Wood had just opened them. Wide.

  “So...we’re friends.”

  “I can see you being the best friend I’ve ever had.”

  “Yeah, me, too,” she said. Smiling. Retro moved, nudging against Wood’s thigh, and hers. As if to say she wanted to be included in their
relationship, too.

  To give them her blessing.

  Or to stop them from doing something they’d both regret. Like stepping half a foot closer and actually touching.

  “And as for Alan...as I said, I want you involved, Wood, if you want to be. I’m not saying that your opinion will reign supreme or anything. I always have the final say because the ultimate responsibility is all mine, but I want you to weigh in on any major decisions. If you want to be consulted.”

  “Always. Anything. Major, just big or really small...”

  She had more to say...tried to keep her mouth shut...but couldn’t. “I’m thinking about telling him from the outset that you’re his father,” she said. “In today’s world, with so many different lifestyles, we can help him understand that while you aren’t part of our family, you are family to him.”

  When moisture filled his eyes, she knew she’d done the right thing in telling him. But also in making the choice.

  “He’ll have to know that my word is law,” she told him, not wanting to give him the wrong idea. “I can’t give up any custodial rights, just as you won’t have any monetary responsibility,” she told him. “I still plan to have ‘sperm donor’ on his birth certificate under the designation for ‘father’...”

  She could see him struggling to remain serious. To give her words the respect they deserved, but she rejoiced when he cut off her stipulations with a hearty laugh. Loud enough that a group several feet away turned and glanced in their direction.

  “Did you hear that, Retro? I’m going to be a father...”

  Simple words. Boisterous laughter. Playful chatter with a dog.

  And, Cassie knew, those moments had just been embedded on her heart forever.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Two and a half weeks later, when Cassie went for another ultrasound, a check specifically to keep an eye on the shadow that had originally alerted doctors to Alan’s iron deficiency, Wood was there. During their nightly texts, she’d been more and more open with him about her anxiety regarding her baby’s health. Telling him every time she had a thought that there might be something not quite right. He’d become quite adept at looking up pregnancy symptoms simply to relieve her fears. She’d acknowledged, multiple times, that she knew she was just reacting to a stressor caused by the original scare.