His little face scrunched up, and I let him have the bottle back when I was sure he was done coughing.
Miranda asked if I wanted to have kids. Would my desire to be a father be a deal-breaker for her? Had I answered wrong? If I had, how could I fix it? I mean, I wouldn’t mind children of my own, but they were not a requirement. With the right person, I’d be happy with just their company. I could have that familial fulfillment with my nephew or any other nieces or nephews my brothers might have.
Hell, I could join an organization to mentor youths and have that same sense of contentment. I didn’t have to have my own.
I sighed as Kip gulped milk, hardly bothering to take breaths in between. “Nothing is ever easy, is it?” I asked him.
He glanced at me, then focused on his food again. My phone rang, and I answered it, hoping Miranda would be on the other end.
“Good morning. How goes it?” Kandra’s cheerful voice met my ear, and I smiled.
“It goes well. Kip is having breakfast. When he’s finished, I’ll bring him home. I bet you’re missing him.”
She laughed. “You know, we really are. Maybe we’re crazy. A good night’s sleep is fantastic, but I just miss him so much.”
“I get it, I do. I’m happy to do this again whenever you’re ready.” I meant it.
“We appreciate it.” Her warm voice brought a smile to my lips. “See you in a few and thank you again.”
“It was my pleasure.” We got off the phone, and I admired the sleeping bundle in my arms. “Your parents miss you, and I’m going to miss you when you go home.”
I lowered the diaper bag to the floor and offered Kandra the car seat. “Here he is, happy and healthy like I promised.”
She wrapped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a quick hug before taking the sleeping baby. As she walked off with him, I unpacked the leftover milk and put it in the fridge.
“You can leave it,” Noah said, sneaking up on me and giving me a bear hug. “Thank you, brother.”
“Anytime.” I offered him the bag, and he took it. As he unpacked the empty bottles, he put them in a sink full of suds. I added a bottle brush to my must-haves list at home so I could bring them clean bottles the next time. Tired parents didn’t need to be doing more dishes. “The bassinet is in my back seat. Want me to grab it?”
“I’ll get it in a minute. I jump at any excuse for fresh air and a stretch.” He chuckled, scrubbing the bottles with hot soapy water.
I went in search of Kandra and found her holding Kip in the living room.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” I asked.
“Sure.” She smiled, rocking Kip back and forth.
“I don’t think Miranda likes babies.” The words sounded strange out there in the open like that, and she studied me for a second as if unsure I said what she thought she heard.
“Why do you think she doesn’t like babies?” Kandra’s expression shifted to confusion as she turned her weight to one hip and cradled Kip in her arms.
I sighed and sat down on the couch. “She came over last night.”
A slight smile curved the corners of her lips.
“It’s not like that,” I said. “She looked like she was going to have a panic attack over Kip. She wouldn’t let me get close to her with him and wouldn’t come close to me while I held him. She refused to stay.” The whole bizarre event still bothered me as I thought about everything that happened.
“Did she say anything?”
“She asked if I wanted kids.”
Kandra’s lips formed a perfect ‘o’ of surprise. “You’re serious, then?”
Her teasing tone brought a smile to my lips.
“I think she was testing me. Like she has a list of absolutes, and one of them is no kids.” I hoped the words would sound ridiculous, but they made far too much sense.
Kandra sat down next to me. “That’s rough. Have you prepared for that possibility? What about you?”
I nodded. “I mean, I think I want children, but it’s not a relationship ender for me. I mean, I’m happy playing uncle.” I meant the words, and Kandra nodded.
“Having kids is a lot of work.” Her tired sigh and the night I spent with the baby backed up her claim. “I think you need to make sure you’re okay with the possibility of not having kids of your own. Especially if she has that negative of a reaction to them. Make sure it is not something you’ll regret later and then talk to her about it.”
She was making sense. “You’re right. I should talk to myself before I talk to her. It’s important to have the facts straight in my head before I lay them out and build a future off of them.”
“Are you two serious? I mean talking babies serious?” she gave me a sideways glance.
“You’re not giving up, are you?”
She lifted her shoulders. “You don’t have to answer; I know the truth. You Lockharts are all in when it comes to love. I’m glad she makes you happy. You both deserve that.”
I agreed, but I couldn’t help but wonder if she was right. Would I decide kids are not a deal-breaker, then regret it later in life? Would it eventually drive a wedge between Miranda and me? I didn’t think it would, but I was wise enough to know that things could change. Our perspectives shift every year we’re alive. We’re continually growing, and locking myself into a child-free relationship might very well be something that bothered me down the line.
“You better not be putting moves on my wife.” Noah walked through the door with the bassinet in hand. He moved toward their bedroom, and Kandra laughed.
“Oh, honey, he has his own woman issues.” Even though she was talking to his retreating back, I felt the humor radiating off of him.
“Don’t give her a reason to leave you. We both know I’m the better-looking brother,” I said to Noah’s back with a laugh, and Kandra rolled her eyes at both of us.
Noah walked back into the room a moment later and rubbed his hands together. “Woman issues, huh?” He glanced at me, then at Kandra. “Does this have anything to do with you spending a lot more time with a certain sheriff we all know and love?”
Despite his slightly gleeful expression, Kandra gave a warning shake of her head.
“She doesn’t want kids,” I said.
Noah seemed stunned, all the humor vanishing from his face in an instant and a severe expression taking over. “How do you know?”
“She asked if I wanted kids, then bolted after refusing to get anywhere near Kip.” I figured I might as well be honest with him. I rarely opened up to my brother about relationships, but it was nice to know I could talk to him when I needed to.
“She was at your place?” His eyes widened, which told me exactly what he was thinking.
“She stopped by for a minute and didn’t stay long when she found out the baby was there. I think she wanted to talk about something.” Talking about the odd interaction helped me realize there might be more to the whole situation than I first thought.
“Sure, talk about something.” Noah’s joking tone earned him a kick from Kandra.
“You’re focused on the wrong part,” she told him.
He rubbed his leg with a hangdog expression on his face. “I’m poking fun, sheesh.” He glanced at me. “What are you going to do now?”
I needed to decide if kids were a must-have for me. Maybe it wasn’t a deal-breaker now, but I needed to put some thought into my future, too. Still, the more I considered it, the more confident I was that it was no contest. I wanted Miranda. Yes, maybe kids would enrich that life, but none of the rest of it mattered without her.
“I’m going to think about it to be sure, and then I’ll talk to her.” Uneasy for a second, I wondered if she’d even be willing to talk. Last night, as the door closed behind her, I had a sinking feeling that things were over between us, though no such thing had been said.
“I’m sorry.” My brother lifted and gave me a quick hug. “Relationships are hard.”
I nodded, knowing he understood more than most
people. He and Kandra’s relationship had been stormy too. Heck, theirs had been downright tumultuous, but they made it through because they loved one another.
If I loved Miranda, we’d figure this out.
The L-word, really?
I hadn’t said it or even thought about it before, but the more I considered my hopes and dreams for a future with her, the more that word made sense. I wouldn’t tell anyone else this, but it added another layer of uncertainty and difficulty to the existing strain on our potential relationship.
“Thank you, both of you,” I said.
Kandra nodded, and my brother stared at the floor. Kip made little noises, and Kandra rocked him before Noah took him from her.
“I’m going to head out. Let me know next time you want me to watch him.” I left, thinking about Miranda the entire way home.
Chapter Fifteen
Miranda
My phone rang, and I stared at the TV, not hearing a word or seeing the show I’d put on. Honestly, I didn’t know what was playing but used the background noise as a distraction. It wasn’t working.
Jolted out of my thoughts, I glanced at the phone on the coffee table. Was it my mother calling? Did I dare check? After four rings, the call went to voicemail, and I exhaled. What if it was Bayden?
The thought made me feel bad, both for missing the call and not having the energy, or maybe it was courage, to call him back.
A knock at the door sent my heart into overdrive. I knew Bayden was at the door.
Could I even face him?
He knocked again, and I stood up, slogging my way to the door. Gathering my courage, I unlocked the deadbolts and opened it two inches to peek at him through the crack.
Bayden’s warm expression did something to my insides, and the smell of garlic and pizza hit me full force. My stomach growled, and I thought back to if I’d eaten anything all day. I couldn’t remember.
“I can leave the food,” he said, offering the white pizza box and the Styrofoam container on top.
I shook my head and opened the door wide. I needed him and threw myself into his arms, so relieved he was here on my step and bearing gifts of food.
“I’m glad you’re here,” I said honestly, blinking back unexpected tears. I was ashamed of how I handled everything, but I didn’t know how to do better.
“I’m glad to be here.” He looked past me to my phone sitting on the table. “I tried to call.”
My shoulders dropped a bit. “Sorry I didn’t answer. I’m kind of avoiding my phone right now.” Honesty felt good, even if I wasn’t comfortable giving him more than that.
He nodded. “I have those days too.”
I let him in and closed the door behind us. “Is this a date?” I asked, dangling a single shred of playfulness before him like a string before a cat.
He grinned. “Is it?”
“I think so,” I said. I needed this moment of normalcy. My life lacked stability, support, and ordinary moments like these. Despite our inability to be serious—and my guilt over that—I wanted to enjoy this.
He put the food on the coffee table and turned to me, his lips curving at the edges. Having him here helped me breathe a little easier. The smell of pizza and garlic knots had my mouth watering and my stomach begging for sustenance.
“Let’s sit and relax,” I said, plopping on the couch.
He sat. His tight expression left me feeling that he wanted to ask questions, but he stayed quiet and opened the clamshell container in front of him, revealing garlic knots. “I wasn’t sure what you’d want.”
I shrugged. “I’m easy.” The second I said the words, a grin crossed my lips at my unintended double meaning.
He chuckled before opening the pizza. Inside was Roy’s special everything pizza loaded with meats and veggies.
It was my favorite, but there was no way Bayden knew that. We’d never talked about food. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past him to ask Roy, as he’d done with my coffee. He always showed he cared in so many ways.
I wanted to tell him everything, but I wasn’t sure I could. Still, I needed to say something to explain my behavior. “Look, I wanted to talk—”
He held up a hand and fixed me with a serious expression. “Before you start, I want to tell you that you don’t owe me any explanations. I’m honestly happy to be here spending time with you.”
My heart squeezed, and I stared at him, lost for words. Swallowing hard, I nodded. “Thank you.” Knowing he felt the same way I did—that spending time together was amazing—helped put me at ease, but also made me ache more.
I knew we needed to talk. Before either of us got in any deeper, he needed to know my stance on kids because it had the potential to change or end our whole budding relationship.
“Did you ask Roy what my favorite pizza was?” I probed, giving him a suspicious, playful glare.
He shook his head. “This is my favorite, so I hoped you’d like it too.” His grin made my chest feel full, and I struggled to inhale.
“I hate it.” I couldn’t hold back a grin as his expression fell. “Just kidding, it’s my favorite too.”
“You’re messing with me.” The roll of his eyes earned a shake of my head. “No way my favorite pizza is your favorite too.”
“It is my favorite pizza. No joke.” I grabbed a piece and dug in. He laughed and followed suit. The hot deliciousness had my stomach growling, and a mushroom slipped off the side of the slice and dangled by a dangerously thin piece of cheese.
“Careful.” He pointed, and I grabbed the escaping mushroom between my thumb and index finger before putting it back on the slice.
When I took a bite, I eyed the pizza for a second. “Roy makes the best pizza around.” He had no way of knowing how badly I needed this ordinary, calm moment after the stress of this time of year and my interactions with my mother.
Bayden was the closest thing I’d had to a friend since … well … ever. My past, my family, and my struggles didn’t afford luxuries like friends. Hell, it was those issues that made me a rotten friend. As Bayden was learning, I could never open up to anyone. Friends weren’t supposed to keep each other at arm’s length, but for me, I would have to keep them at a full body’s length to spare them the hurt and shame I felt.
It was simpler to keep people away and out of my life, except in the most superficial ways.
“Garlic knots too.” Bayden snagged one and popped it into his mouth.
“I asked him when he’s going to fill the knots with cheese, and he said he’ll try to make that work.” I took another bite of my pizza while Bayden gave me a look like I’d told him the sexiest secret.
While we ate, we discussed toppings and other easy, fluffy topics. He made me forget my stress for a moment. The conversation shifted to curiosity about how people could choose low-carb diets. I laughed when he almost dropped his pizza, and he threw a bit of bread at me.
For a moment, we were like any other typical couple enjoying their time together.
But I did what I do and screwed it up. “You need to stop showing up here when I’m not taking texts or calls.”
He froze.
My heart sank to my feet, and that little voice in my head shouted, what are you doing?
What was I doing? I was keeping him at a distance and pushing him away because I’m a terrible friend.
He swallowed his bite. “Okay. Sorry for showing up without being invited.” He casually studied his pizza as if worried about the structural integrity of the slice. “I thought we were beyond the formalities. I mean … you showed up at my house.”
For some reason, his response sucked the tension out of the moment, and everything smoothed over. Instead, the feeling that I could be honest filled me, and I went with it. “I did, and you’re right, but sometimes I need my space, and I need you to respect that.”
He nodded calmly. “Okay. I’ll work on being better about that. Can we work something out, so if I’m worried, you respond in some way, shape, or form? I need to know
you’re not dead and haven’t sleepwalked into traffic or something?”
That made me pause. I never even considered Bayden might worry like that. “Sure. How about an all-safe word? If I text that, you know I’m okay.”
“Perfect. What’s the word?” he studied me, his slice of pizza seemingly forgotten in his hand.
“Let’s keep it simple. Safe.” No matter how broken-down I might feel, I could manage a four-letter text to him, right?
“Easy. I like it. Now, would you like me to leave?”
I shook my head. “No! Please stay…” I said.
My heart was begging me to let him stay, but my brain knew better. The more time we spent together, the harder it would be to let him go.
Needing to cover for my overzealous response, I cleared my throat and calmly said, “You’re here, and I’m enjoying your company.” The constriction of my chest eased with the words, and I changed the topic. “It must have been hard to pick pizza toppings with such a large family.”
He grinned. “Nah, we had a system. My dad was wonderful at keeping the peace, and my mom was a trooper. She was kind and loving, but firm when we needed it.” His eyes misted over. “They were a team, and they did a good job with us. I think.”
I could agree with that.
“I love that you and your family are so close.” How many families did I know where the brother and sister-in-law could ask another brother to watch the baby? None. Then again, I didn’t know a lot of families because I kept my distance from everyone.
“Me too. We’re certainly lucky.” He took another bite of his pizza, chewing thoughtfully. After he swallowed, he glanced at me. “What about you? What’s your family like?”
An arctic chill bolted through me like I’d been speared with an icicle. I thought about my mother. My father. My family. “We … aren’t close—never were.” That was putting it mildly, but I was proud I said anything at all. My family had always been an off-limits topic I didn’t discuss with anyone.
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