Tonight and Forever

by Brenda Jackson

  A woman like Lorren.

  He stroked the length of her back, holding her closer to his body, and even closer to his heart. It was an act of emotion-filled possession. An act of love.

  The thought hit him full force. He loved Lorren. She was the woman of his fate.

  And with that realization came something else, ice-cold fear. He was scared to death of loving someone again and losing her. He was frightened of experiencing more pain, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to give up his heart again, so totally and completely.

  Fear’s icy grasp tightened. Loving was for a lifetime. Loving was forever. Love meant emotional vulnerability. He had discovered the hard way that there was pain in loving someone, and what he felt for Lorren was stronger and deeper than what he’d felt for Denise.

  A conversation he’d had with his mother a few months ago filtered through his mind…

  “I’d remarry in a heartbeat if the right woman came along, Mom, you know that,” he chuckled.

  “Do I, Justin? I’m beginning to think this fate song you’ve been singing over the years is for the birds. A part of me can’t help but wonder if perhaps you’re only fooling yourself.”

  “Fooling myself? About what?”

  “About ever wanting to marry again….”

  His mother had been right. He’d only been fooling himself.

  He suddenly came face-to-face with the reality of the lie he’d been telling himself, his family, and everyone around him for the last ten years. Waiting on fate had just been an excuse not to get deeply involved with anyone, not to give up his heart.

  And now he was faced with the hard fact that fate had done exactly what he’d claimed it would do. It had given him a woman he couldn’t imagine living his life without. And that in itself was his greatest fear.

  No! l can’t handle this. I need time to think. I need time to work this out. I need time to make sure.

  But still, even with all his uncertainties, he knew he had to be fair to Denise’s memory and the love they’d once shared. Although Denise would always hold a special place in his heart, he loved Lorren now. Reaching up, he removed the medallion from around his neck. Being careful not to awaken Lorren, he opened the drawer to the nightstand next to the bed and placed it inside. Tomorrow he would take it home and put it in the small trunk where he kept his other cherished possessions.

  Somehow he had to deal with the problem he was faced with—the fate he wasn’t quite ready to accept.

  He needed time.

  Chapter 14

  L orren leaned against the kitchen counter and braced herself for the question she knew Mama Nora was about to ask. It would be the same question Rhonda and Rod had asked her at the beginning of the week when she’d stopped by their house to see the baby. It would be the same question Syneda had asked when she’d flown in for a brief visit a few days ago.

  “Where’s Justin?”

  Misery welled up inside Lorren and she brushed away tears that clouded her eyes. She’d sworn she wouldn’t cry. But here she was doing just that, partly because she didn’t have an answer to the question. The truth of the matter was that she didn’t know exactly where Justin was. For the past week, he’d been avoiding her like the plague.

  It had started the day after the incident with Scott. That morning, instead of staying and having breakfast with her as he usually did, Justin had told her he needed to go back to his own place to do a few things before leaving for the office. And then, later that day, he’d called to say he had too much paperwork to complete for them to have dinner together.

  That day had established a pattern that would be repeated for the rest of the week. She knew he would leave his house before she would awaken in the morning, and would return home from work late at night. He had completely stopped coming over to her place.

  At first she had thought his withdrawal had something to do with the incident involving Scott, but now she wasn’t certain of anything.

  “Lorren? Child, what’s the matter?”

  Lorren sniffed and brushed her hand across her face again. “I’m sorry, Mama Nora. I didn’t invite you to dinner to—”

  She couldn’t finish what she’d been about to say when she found herself enveloped in the older woman’s warm embrace.

  “Come on, baby, let’s go in the living room and sit a spell. Dinner can wait. I want you to tell Mama what’s wrong.”

  “But that’s just it. I don’t know what’s wrong. All I know is that Justin is putting distance between us and I don’t know why. He didn’t give me a reason.” She then told Mama Nora how Justin had begun avoiding her.

  Lorren sniffed again when they reached the living room and, together, they sat on the sofa. “But then an explanation really isn’t necessary, is it. He no longer wants me. There were never any promises of forever. I knew that and loved him anyway.”

  “So you do love him?”

  Lorren looked stunned. “Of course I love him. He’s the kindest, most tenderhearted, loving man I know. It’s not his fault that I read more into our relationship than what was really there,” she said through her tears. “I’m just not the woman he needs. I’m not the woman he’s been waiting for.”

  “Have you thought that maybe there’s another reason why he’s avoiding you?”

  Lorren frowned. “What other reason could there be?”

  “The boy just might be scared, Lorren. Maybe you are the woman he’s been waiting for, and he just can’t deal with it.”

  Confusion showed in Lorren’s face. “I don’t understand.”

  Mama Nora hugged Lorren tenderly. “Have you ever heard the old saying—‘Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it’?”

  Lorren nodded.

  “I think Justin has gotten just what he asked for, and now he can’t deal with having it. But you shouldn’t give up on him, baby. The boy will come around when he realizes how much he loves you.”

  He missed Lorren.

  Justin had a hard time sleeping—waking often, tumbling about. Even after a week, he still missed the feminine body he’d grown used to sleeping next to.

  Tired of tossing and turning, he rose from the bed and pulled on his jeans. In the living room he sat down on the sofa and reached for the small framed photograph Clayton had taken of him and Lorren after the cookout. Gazing at the picture, memories tugged at him.

  They were memories of the night he had seen Lorren for the first time at Ms. Nora’s party, the shocked look on her face when he’d told her he was her neighbor, and an even more shocked look when he had agreed to go along with her preaffair agreement.

  He would never forget the sight of her standing in the doorway when he’d returned to her house the night of the car accident. And he would always have memories of the time they had spent together on the camping trip, the night she had run to him in the storm, and the first time they had made love.

  Closing his eyes, he recaptured the look of impassioned surrender on her face whenever his body joined hers, and her expression of utter satisfaction when their bodies climaxed simultaneously.

  A deep groan escaped his throat. He reopened his eyes and was filled with wonder at the enormity of all the things they had shared. His fingers gripped the frame until they hurt. Carefully, he relaxed his hand, but not his mind. It was still in turmoil. He replaced the photograph on the table.

  Standing, he walked to the window and gazed out at the lake. Moonlight brought a magic aura to the water, and the tops of nearby trees stirred with the whisper of a warming breeze. His hand stroked the windowsill as he stood in deep thought.

  He knew he’d hurt Lorren by pulling away without giving her a reason, but what excuse could he have given her?…I know I love you and that you’re my fate but I’m too much of a coward to face it…

  Justin heaved a heavy sigh. He was getting the time he’d felt was needed to work things out within himself. But it didn’t keep him from missing her, needing her, loving her. Why was their separation causing him such misery
? Such pain?

  He walked back into his bedroom. Since sleep was out of the question, he decided to go swimming.

  So close together but yet so far apart, Lorren thought, entering the house after returning from taking Mama Nora back home after dinner. Justin’s car was parked in front of his place, which meant he was home.

  Should she go over and confront him? No. He was the one who had put distance between them without giving her an explanation. If he wanted to talk, he knew where to find her.

  She couldn’t buy Mama Nora’s theory that she was Justin’s fate, and he was running scared. It just didn’t make sense.

  Locking the door behind her, she went into the bedroom to get ready for bed. After taking her shower, she returned to the bedroom and glanced around, wondering where she had put the envelope she planned to mail to her agent. She checked atop the dresser, then pulled open the drawer of the nightstand next to her bed.

  “Oh.” Lying on top of the envelope she’d been looking for was Justin’s medallion.

  She fought for control of her muddled emotions. What was Justin’s medallion doing in her nightstand drawer? When had he taken it off and placed it there?

  Lorren forced herself to remember the last time they had shared her bed. It had been the day Scott had shown up. All that afternoon and night they had made love.

  A thrill raced through her as she tried to come to grips with what Justin’s removing the medallion could possibly mean. Could Mama Nora be right? Had he actually realized he loved her, and that she had taken Denise’s place in his life? Was that what he was fighting?

  Lorren replaced the medallion in the drawer. She needed to talk to Syneda. Her friend had always been a good listener. Hurrying to the living room, she placed a phone call to New York.

  A sleepy, feminine voice on the other end returned her hello.

  “Syneda?”

  “Lorren, is that you? What’s wrong? Has something happened to Mama Nora?”

  Lorren dropped down on the sofa. “No, Mama Nora is fine. She had dinner with me tonight.”

  There was a pause. “Then what’s going on?”

  Lorren felt an instant knotting of her stomach. As casually as she could, she asked, “Are you alone?”

  Syneda chuckled. “Funny you should ask. I have Mario Van Peebles sleeping right beside me.”

  Lorren smiled. She knew of her friend’s fascination with the handsome model turned actor. “Hmmm, Mario Van Peebles? You don’t say?”

  “I do say.” Syneda giggled. “Shape up, sister-girl, of course I’m alone. What gives?”

  Lorren leaned back onto the cushions and picked up a plump pillow. Her fingers traced the patterns of its floral design as she held it close to her. “Justin’s still avoiding me.”

  “Then you need to confront him and find out why.”

  Lorren caught her lip between her teeth. “Mama Nora has formed her own opinion as to why he’s staying away.”

  She then told Syneda about the conversation she’d had earlier with Mama Nora, and about finding the medallion in the nightstand.

  “Ummm, in that case, Mama Nora just might be right, Lorren. Everyone who has ever seen you and Justin together knows how much he adores you, and you of all people know how much that medallion means to him. There has to be a reason why he took it off.”

  “I hope so.”

  “If you truly love him, Lorren, you’ll fight for him.”

  “Fight whom? Or what?”

  “Whoever or whatever is standing in the way of your having him. You can do it, Lorren, you’re a fighter. Go for it.”

  Lorren drew in a long weary breath as she stood from her seat. She wished she were as convinced of her abilities as her friend. “But what if we’re wrong? What if he doesn’t really love me?”

  “I believe with all my heart that Justin loves you Lorren, and if you’d take a minute to think about it, I know you believe it, too.”

  “I want to, Syneda.”

  “Then do it. Justin is nothing like Scott. He’s the kind of man dreams are made of. But like all of us, he probably has a few demons to face. Just remember that being in love with someone means helping him through rough times.”

  “For someone who has never been in love, you sure seem to know a lot about it.”

  “I read a lot of those romance novels,” Syneda teased. “Now can I get back to Super Mario?”

  Lorren grinned. “I suppose so.”

  Syneda laughed. “Gee, thanks. And Lorren, good luck.”

  A bird chirping outside Lorren’s bedroom window awakened her the next morning. Opening her eyes, she knew what had to be done if she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Justin. Deep down she’d known all along.

  She would fight for him.

  Not because Syneda thought she should, but because she believed she could. Never before had Lorren possessed so much confidence in herself. She was not the insecure woman who had come to Ennis three months ago. Nor was she the weak woman who’d allowed Scott to brainwash her into believing she was anything less than she was.

  She was a woman with guts, strength, and determination. She was a woman who believed in herself, and come hell or high water, Justin would find out that she was not a woman a man could take lightly—or disregard.

  He was about to discover that, whether he liked it or not, he had finally met his fate.

  “Why do I get the feeling you aren’t glad to see us?” Clayton asked his oldest brother as he and Dex sat at the kitchen table watching Justin prepare them breakfast.

  “It’s all in your mind, Clayton,” Justin responded, as he continued scrambling the eggs.

  “Is it? Then what’s the reason for your funky mood?” Clayton grinned. “It can’t be because Dex and I showed up this morning on your doorstep.”

  Justin eyed his brother crossly. “I’m not in a bad mood,” he snapped. “And the two of you don’t need an invitation to visit.”

  Clayton chuckled. “That’s good to know. Oh, by the way, where’s Lorren?”

  Justin sat the plate of eggs in the center of the table. “Home, I’d imagine. Lorren and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.”

  “Why?” Clayton and Dex asked simultaeously.

  Justin took his seat at the table. “Why all the interest?”

  Dex answered. “I guess we all thought you and Lorren were pretty tight.”

  “Well, you all thought wrong.”

  Clayton smiled and rubbed his chin. “So, in that case, you won’t have a problem with me, ah, checking her out myself?”

  Justin stared at his younger brother. “It won’t work, Clayton. I know what you’re trying to do, and it won’t work.”

  “What am I trying to do?” Clayton asked innocently.

  “You’re trying to pull the same stunt on me that you pulled on Dex and Caitlin when they first met. You’re going to pretend to be interested in Lorren to make me jealous. Forget it. That stunt may have worked for Dex and Caitlin back then, but it won’t work for me.”

  “Why?” Clayton asked, running the risk of being told it was none of his business. He shrugged. It wouldn’t be the first time, and he seriously doubted it would be the last.

  “Because Lorren is my fate.”

  Clayton frowned. “Your fate? That woman you’ve claimed to have been waiting for all these years?”

  Justin nodded.

  Clayton shook his head. “Damn, that’s scary. All this time I thought you were giving us a bunch of bull about that fate stuff.” He took a huge swallow of orange juice.

  “Hey, wait a minute,” Clayton said moments later. “Then what’s the problem if Lorren’s your dream girl?”

  “The problem is that I don’t want to give my heart to anyone completely and totally, ever again. I don’t know if I could handle it if I were to ever lose another person. The love I feel for Lorren is a hell of a lot stronger than what I felt for Denise. And you’re right, it is scary.”

  “But think about what you’re saying, Just
in,” Clayton implored. “If Lorren’s the woman you’ve been holding out for all this time, you can’t just turn your back on her.”

  “I’m not turning my back on her, Clayton. I’m just giving myself time to come to terms with it.”

  “And what’s Lorren supposed to be doing while you’re taking the time to think things through?”

  “Look, Clayton, I really don’t expect you to understand any of this. Until you’ve gone through the pain of loving someone and then losing her, you won’t understand.”

  Clayton Madaris always enjoyed a good argument. And he had no qualms about engaging in one now, especially if it would make Justin see the mistake he was making.

  “You aren’t thinking straight, Justin. Hell, bro, you’re not thinking at all. No man in his right mind breaks up with the woman he loves, especially if it’s the woman he’s been waiting ten years for.” From the expression on Justin’s face, Clayton knew Justin had heard his words, but was refusing to let them sink in.

  Justin eyed Dex, who had been quiet all this time. “Aren’t you going to contribute your two cents, Dex?”

  Dex met Justin’s glare. “No. We came here to check out this monstrosity of a house you bought, Justin. We aren’t here to stick our noses where they don’t belong. Are we, Clayton Jerome?” he asked his younger brother pointedly.

  Clayton smiled. Any other man would have felt outnumbered, but he didn’t. He really wasn’t surprised by Dex’s attitude. He was still hurting from a failed marrlage. lt was bad enough to have one brother suffering from heartache, Clayton thought. He sure didn’t want to add Justin to the “pain and suffering” list with Dex, but it appeared that’s just where he was headed. Clayton was glad his motto in life was—the only men that aren’t fools are bachelors. He was doing the right thing playing the field. This falling in love stuff was far more trouble than it was worth.

  “I guess not, Dexter Jordan,” Clayton finally replied, grinning at the two brothers he loved and respected. “But I hope the two of you understand that the attorney in me can’t resist giving a closing argument. And I promise to make it brief.”