Letters to My Ten Year Old Self

by Nina Pelletier & Drew Nicholson

  P.S. By the way, sorry Mikey but you’re not getting much taller. It sucks, I know. Let it go.

  * * * * *

  Dear Little Tara,

  Stop worrying about your “development!” Boobs are overrated. I mean it!

  And now that I have your attention, I have a few things to tell you.

  First, try to be nicer to your sister. You don’t know it, but she looks up to you and you are so self-absorbed and mean to her. You should play with her more often and you will see that she is smart and fun.

  Which leads me to the second thing. You are about to move across the country. It won’t bother you very much, but your sister will need you more that ever.

  And finally, make good choices about boys. Love makes people stupid. Even you, smartypants. Less emotion and more thinking. Don’t call them, let them call you. Don't be a tease either. Dating is complicated, try to focus on what's important. And sarcasm is not attractive all the time.

  That’s about all. You’re a good kid. Just try not to be so lazy. Go out and get some exercise! You’ll thank me later.

  Love, Old Tara

  * * * * *

  Hey Little Lady,

  Those sad poems and dancing in the basement are worth every minute you spend on them. Keep at that imagination and quest for knowledge because it will define you. Pay close attention because within a couple of years, you will meet the teachers that will point you towards the vocation you will embrace for your entire life.

  The way that Myriam broke the news to you was not how adults are supposed to treat children. She's going to do that a lot through your life, but you are NOT her and her damage is her problem. Take heart, dearest, your mother loves you beyond measure and you will be with her one day and it will be everything you hope it will be.

  Your Dad is gruff and mean and loud, but worst of all he is right. Listen to him. He loves you beyond measure and one day, when he is no longer here, you will cherish all the wonderful things he was.

  The coming years are going to be a competition with no one else but yourself. This is going to drive you to dark places and bad experiences, but even these will help shape who you are.

  The biggest secret of all:

  Listen close now...

  Magic is real.

  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

  You will be well loved,

  Me

  * * * * *

  Dear Me:

  This is very important for you too know, I want you too read this and memorize it daily.

  Most important of all never give up on love and tell dad about your medical concerns always.

  Learn to speak respectfully, ask people how to. Ignore the rude kids and teachers and just focus on your grades and being respectful.

  Your dad has it tough right now, you will understand why when you’re older. Respect your brothers but don't feel bad because of what they say, loosen up.

  Everyone else is struggling as well, respect them.

  From: Louis Clark

  P.S. Since you’re the type who does like hearing about the future, I will tell you this. Your not going to be an astronaut or famous, what you are going to be is a dad. Also remember having talent and being world renown have nothing to do with each other.

  * * * * *

  Hey there, Hunky Dunky. (ah, the nicknames of ten year olds...)

  You're pretty clueless, but that's OK - it keeps you safe from bullying because it's so difficult to get a rise out of you. The flip side of that is you will have to learn to be sensitive to others' feelings, at some point: that's going to take time. It does work out, though. Eventually.

  I know you don't have any idea what you're going to do later in life, but that'll come - the kid who told you that you needed to be getting top marks in all your math classes to stand a chance of programming computers is wrong. You're definitely smart enough to write code, and there will be plenty of computers to write for: Moore's Law has barely started to have an effect. The hardest thing for your work in the future is going to be working with people who really shouldn't ever have been let near a keyboard.

  You will get to play Dungeons and Dragons eventually, even though you can't afford the books now and all you have is that blue jewel D12 you bought. You'll get better dice, and you'll find better games than D&D. Playing pontoon for matchsticks with your friends on the steps at school is a bit lame, though. Do something more interesting.

  Keep reading. Finishing "The Lord of the Rings" last summer was a good start. I know you're looking for something else epic to sink into, and there is a lot more on the horizon. In the meantime, there are all those science fiction books on the bookshelves at home and at the library.

  But that film about the giant spiders that you really liked? That's a terrible film. You need to find another film to talk about. Don't worry, though: Star Wars will be along soon.

  * * * * *

  Dear Mark

  I know you are only 10, and many of these words won't make sense to you. But many of the emotions will.

  You have gender identity disorder. This means you constantly feel as though your mind and your body do not match. I know you sometimes wish you were a girl. As you and I get older, this will become a regular wish. I know you go in Mama's room every time you can and get into her dresses. Thirteen years from when you read this letter, I bought my first one. I know you look at your cousin Ramona, and envy her hair, skin and the soft way she presents herself to the world. This will become stronger as an adult, even though we'll try to throw others off the scent by acting very 'manly' quite often. I know you read the books about puberty, and secretly wish that when it hits you, that you'll grow breasts. I'm now in my thirties and it's finally close to reality.

  I know that you're lonely inside. Few and far between are the times you won't feel this way. You often feel like something is just 'wrong' and there is nothing that can right it. That is because, despite what you see, you are a girl. And there are few things in this life that are more 'wrong' than living in the wrong body.

  I'm writing this letter to you because the sooner you start to accept yourself for who you really are, the sooner you can begin to be happy. Because, even though you are ten, and life is wild and fun, I know there are so many moments when you're just not happy. Those moments will increase until you accept yourself and work on changing your body to fit who you really are.

  Not that life gets much easier with this acceptance. It doesn't. Transgendered people have a hard time with life, no matter how much they accept themselves. Both friends and lovers will be few and far between. People will look at us, they'll talk about us rudely and many of them won't accept us. You will endure much heartache over this.

  But, much heartache can be spared if you accept the girl inside you sooner that I did.

  With much love, your future self,

  Marcie

  * * * * *

  Dear 10 Year Old Me-

  Yes, it's true, I'm writing you from the ripe old age of 30. I know what you're thinking, "Weird! And wow, that's really old." Believe me, once you're actually 30, it doesn't really feel that old. Plus, in 2011, 30 is like the new 20 or something. It's cool to be 30. I think...

  Here's the deal, things aren't necessarily going to work out the way you've planned them. I'm sorry, but you're not going to go school in Hawaii and surf while you attend college or marry Dylan from 90210. The Dylan thing, be glad of, because he's kind of really old. Cute, yes, but also old for you.

  Now, this may be a bummer to you as you read this, but don't worry, life is pretty awesome even if these things didn't happen. You'll have some wonderful people around you when you get here.

  There will some sad times for you in the next 6 years or so; be prepared, '97 is going to be a rather difficult year, but you'll get through it with some, or a lot of tears.

  Never give up, your dreams may change as you go through life, but keep following your heart. God will lead you where you need to go.


  Be kind to the kids who look sad and also to puppies. People should try to be kind as a general rule, but not everyone adheres to this. (Adheres means to stick to or with, just a little vocabulary lesson)

  Don't be afraid to speak your mind, you'll learn in this in college, but keep it in mind for high school too.

  Love your friends, they'll change as you progress through life, but for the time you are with them, love them.

  Don't stress too much about trying to be popular or head cheerleader or whoever, be yourself and accept all of you. You're a pretty cool person.

  When Dad gets you the mutual fund for college, tell him to invest a little into Apple too. You'll thank me later.

  Oh, and one more thing, keep on with the piano...Mom let me quit but I miss it now.

  Love,

  30 year old me

  * * * * *

  Dear Cayenne,

  You know how you used to like to paint with the contents of your diapers? That’s an omen. You’re going to get a late start on art, but when it comes along, it’s going to be the thing that makes you whole...even though it comes through a man who doesn’t.

  Despite what mom says, keep squishing Play-Doh colors together, even though it turns into an amorphous blob of grey. Watching the colors swirl before it goes to hell will always be worth it. “Amorphous,” by the way, will be one of your most oft-used words -- likely because it so aptly describes the state of your psyche and your ambitions for your existence.

  And you know what? Mom’s actually wrong about a lot of things besides Play-Doh squishing -- like all that bullshit about how women shouldn’t let it be known that they’re “too smart” or “too funny,” lest they intimidate men.

  Don’t waste time on dating; you’re not wired for coupling. Your emotional needs will be wholly fulfilled by women and gay men; hormonal needs are easily addressed on a case by case basis. Instead of dating, spend your time at home trying to learn photography. If you don’t, your crappy photography skills are going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

  Figure out a way to have a spine. Not all assertiveness translates to aggressiveness. You’re going to spend the vast majority of your life being a doormat if you don’t stop equating “standing up for yourself” with “being impolite.” I don’t know how you can work on this, because at 41, you STILL flee from anything even vaguely tense or confrontational.

  Final tip: on the night of January 27th, 1988, go straight home after the Alice Walker symposium. Just trust me on that one.

  Cayenne

  * * * * *

  * * * * *

  OK Kenneth,

  I have approached the halfway point of our life (I hope), and have found a way to reach back to you. The information I bring to you is thru my experiences along the journey. All I ask is that you read my words.

  So you want to grow up quick and be like daddy? Well guess what? I know now why daddy gets up and goes to work EVERY GOD DAMN DAY! He is Married and mommy does not work, He needs Money to pay for everything. He likes to get away from the fighting that goes on between you and your sister and brother.

  In less than 20 years Kenneth, you too will be married, you too will be a daddy, you too will get up and go to work EVERY GOD DAMN DAY.

  This is because you are Married, your wife gave up working, you have 2 children that love to fight with each other. You too need MONEY for everything.

  Don't get me wrong, it's not all bad. You'll will have played Ice Hockey into your 30's, traveled the country touring with your band, and met many great people along the way. You will try some things that are not so good for you but you will have learned much from those experiences. You are a survivor.

  Kenny, I want you to cherish every moment with your mommy. You need to make sure that you do not leave any words unsaid, leave no regrets. I am happy to say that you ended up doing just that. In life you will experience loss. It's not easy, and it does not ever go away. You need to be able to move past these things and be stronger from them.

  My wish to my 10 year old self is to have you write your 50 year old self a letter to remind you of your ideals.

  You’re a good kid Kenny! Have fun while you can, because time flies!

  * * * * *

  Hi Kimberly,

  It’s funny to write to you like this. Your ten year old daughter is in the next room. She is so much like you that some of this letter could be written to her.

  She looks like you, sings, dances and writes, just like you. She loves to act and make things like jewelry, art, food and clothes.

  She is not concerned with what others think of her, like you are. Look to yourself for your confidence. Other people’s opinions are just that, opinions. You have the choice to disagree. Believe in yourself. I believe in you.

  The move to Colorado was both exciting and hard. You left friends behind, but have made more. There are always more friends to be made wherever you go.

  Mom’s illness is also scary for you. Mom and Dad are scared too and are trying to do all the right things. Don’t be afraid to spend time comforting Mom and get to know her. She loves you in her own way.

  Keep writing and show Dad your stories and poems. You would be surprised at how much he will appreciate them.

  Spend time with your brother and sister doing things you all like and ask them to teach you things. They love you, and sometimes try to protect you too much.

  When things get tough and your dreams don’t come true. Use the disappointments to make you stronger and smarter. You have a lot of love to give and many gifts to share.

  Take your time, chose carefully how to use your gifts and with whom to share your love. Not every opportunity is the right one. People who really care for you will wait for you to share yourself in your own time. You are so special. I am so glad you’re you.

  Love,

  Your adult self

  * * * * *

  Dear ten-year-old-self

  Stop caring so much about what others say of you. Your complexes for the rest of your life mainly stem from this one year of being the new kid who doesn’t speak the language.

  It doesn’t matter if you run like a penguin, even if your teacher is the one who told you so.

  It doesn’t matter if the other kids in class are so superstitious that they think the things you do will give them bad luck. That’s their luck, isn’t it?

  It doesn’t matter if they don’t want to be your friends. There are more friends to be made elsewhere, whose friendship won’t rely on whether you’re “in” or not. It’s not as if you’ll remember them past high school anyway.

  It doesn’t matter if the locals think you’re stuck up for speaking in English. It turns to your advantage when you start work.

  Don’t waste your time borrowing and hiding those Sweet Valley books. There are much better books to read, as you’ll soon discover. Those Nancy Drew books you keep getting with your book prize money? You’re going to be giving them away too.

  Treasure those moments in England and Sweden with your family. It’s the last family holiday you’ll have for a very long time.

  Believe in yourself. Learn to be comfortable being the odd one out, because you’ll almost always be.

  And that’s cool.

  * * * * *

  Dear 10-year old self,

  You are being loved this very moment. Even when this is the year you really screwed up your homework. Even during recess time when you feel you don’t belong. He's watching you, loving you and waiting for that moment when you open your heart up to Him. His love will transform your life for the better.

  Practice your piano. Don't be lazy. You're really going to miss your teacher and Snow when she moves away. Be nice to the new teacher. Don't give up just because it isn't the same anymore.

  Stop being mean to your brother. Don't humiliate him when his friends come by. Despite everything, he is your brother. And that has true worth in the years to come.

  Don’t insist on wearing glass
es. It would be the most stupid mistake you make in your young life. They do not make you anymore part of the family than you already are.

  Your first form teacher is going to annoy you. Don't resent him. He'll never find out about your ET. Be yourself. It won't matter that you don't belong in any of the cliques. You'll never believe who you're firm friends with a decade and so later. And that goes for high school and college too.

  Lastly, you feel deeply and strongly about everything. All the ‘Don’t’s in this letter is probably driving you up the wall right now. But it’s alright if you don’t listen because everything is going to turn out fine. You’re like the slow and steady tortoise that gets to the finish line in the end.

  Just remember this one important statement; YOU ARE BEING LOVED.

  * * * * *

  T,

  Hey… its well, you… but now you’re 36. Scary, I know!

  I’m just going to use T now. At 13 you won’t be using your current name anymore. Just one of many things you’ll do in life.

  You’ll also learn lots of lessons.

  Parents don’t always keep promises. And it hurts. When you finally become a mom, you’re going to resolve to try and keep as many as you can.

  Churches don’t know everything. They all think they’re right. The church you’ll be brought up in will teach you something that will later cause you confusion and pain. A choice will have to be made, and it’ll be a good thing.

  Life won’t always follow the path you think it will when you start. But somehow, it winds up where it’s supposed to. Even if occasionally you have to be in a place you aren’t comfortable with.

  Ask for help. Even if doing so is a struggle. It may save you one day. (I don’t do so enough.)

  And you’ll have formative things happen. Something will happen in January of 1986 that will make you very sad, but will also help cement a passion that influences steps you take in your life.