by B. B. Hamel
It’s like a Renaissance painting in that room. Light streams in through the gauzy curtains. Carter sits on the bed, head in his hands, Ryan next to him, leaning back. Daniel leans against the far wall, flipping his knife again, and James has the TV’s remote in his hands, trying to get the thing to turn on. They all look up when we step into the room, and James tosses the remote onto the bed .
“Hi, guys,” I say, feeling awkward, which is so strange. Just a few hours ago, these guys all made me feel so incredibly comfortable, but now it’s all tainted, all broken .
But they all smile. James comes up to me and hugs me tight. “It’ll be okay,” he says softly in my ear .
One by one, they come up and hug me. I can’t believe it. I didn’t expect this, honestly, I expected them to be angry. Like I’m the homewrecker that came into their friend group and tore it to pieces. Instead, they all seem genuinely sorry about what happened, like it’s their fault instead of mine .
Aiden hugs me last. “Has anyone talked to Henry yet?” he asks finally .
“Nope,” Carter says. The rest of them shake their head .
Aiden sighs. “What are we going to do ?”
Daniel grunts from the wall and flips his knife away, slipping it into his pocket. “What’s there to do? Henry kicked us out .”
“Yeah, but,” Aiden starts .
But Daniel interrupts him. “He kicked us out,” he says again. “Maybe he’ll get over it and we can all be cool again, but we’re not going back there .”
Aiden frowns. “So what, we all go home ?”
Ryan stretches. “It looks like that, doesn’t it?” He glances at me. “Do you have somewhere to stay ?
“I was gonna go to a hotel near my parents’ house until it’s finished. Only should be a few more days .”
“We’ll pay for it,” Aiden says quickly, and the guys all agree .
“You don’t have to,” I say .
“We’ll pay,” James insists. “What else can we do ?”
“Nothing,” I say softly .
“We can fix what happened with Henry,” Carter says. “It’ll take time, though, to make him understand .”
There’s a lull in the conversation. “What does he need to understand?” I ask finally .
Aiden leans up against the dresser. The TV wobbles for a second as he looks at me. “What was happening between us .”
“And what was happening?” I insist, feeling stupid. “I mean, what was that?” I look around the room, at all the handsome faces .
They suddenly can’t seem to meet my eye, and that hurts more than anything else .
“I don’t know,” Aiden finally says, looking around him. “Can anyone explain it ?”
“It was just sex,” I say finally. “I mean, that was it, right ?”
Aiden’s eyes go wide. “No,” he says .
“No,” Carter agrees. “It wasn’t just sex. Not for me, at least .”
I bite my lip. Daniel and James and Ryan all nod in agreement with Carter .
“It wasn’t just sex,” James says, watching me carefully .
“That’s how Henry’ll see it, anyway. And now what? You guys live all over the country. And I’m still a college student. How are we supposed to keep this going ?”
Nobody answers. The silence says a lot. I stand there and watch them for a second before sighing .
“It was just that house,” I say finally. “Just being there together. It made us do something… something we wouldn’t normally do .”
“Emily,” Aiden says, and I can feel the hurt in his voice .
“We’re out of that house now though,” I say over his objection. I can’t let him sway me, now when I’m finally feeling like I have a choice to make and a little momentum to make it. If I sit back and I think too much about this, I know I’ll be too afraid. I’ll fail somehow .
“We live different lives. We can’t do whatever this is outside of that house.” I look around at each of them, at each of the men that fulfill me, make me feel incredible, bring the best out of me. “I’m sorry. We just can’t .”
“We could,” Carter says, looking around. “We could make it work .”
“We could,” James agrees. “But how? You live in California. Daniel is going back to Vegas. And I’m in Austin, then Portland, then Paris.” He shakes his head, looking distraught. “Emily might be right .”
“Might be right,” Daniel echoes .
Aiden stares around the room. “Come on, guys. We’re rich as fuck. We can figure this out .”
“No,” I say. “I don’t want to figure it out. Whatever it was back there was great… but it’s over now. It has to be over .”
Aiden looks hurt. They all look hurt. James can’t meet my eye, Daniel looks angry, and Ryan is staring at the ceiling. Carter stands up, pain clear in his expression as he walks over to me. “Are you sure about this?” he asks .
“No,” I say, laughing slightly. “But it’s for the best .”
He looks like he wants to argue, but instead he just nods. “Okay then .”
I pause, staring around me. Maybe I want them to argue, try and get me to stay, try and figure it out with me. Maybe we can buy a house out here and just live together .
But that’s a fantasy, and I already got one fantasy. I can’t let myself desire another. I’m just going to be horribly disappointed when it doesn’t pan out .
I have to be happy with what we had and move on .
“Goodbye, guys,” I say, and turn away from the room .
I walk out the door. I don’t know how I have the strength to do it, because leaving those guys breaks me into a thousand pieces. I hate myself for it, despise myself so much, but I have to do it for myself. I have to, because as bad as this hurts, it could hurt even more if I let myself hope .
It’s over, and I have to accept it. There’s no turning back. I’m moving forward into whatever broken, empty future I’m looking toward .
20
James
O ne Month Later
M y hands are stained with blue. I stare at the nails for a second, wondering how I’m going to get it all out, if I can ever get it all out. But it doesn’t really matter, I know that deep down .
I sip my beer and stare at my hands. I keep seeing her face, smiling and laughing, trying to say something to me. I keep seeing it, over and over. Back at my studio, I have maybe twenty paintings of her, but they’re all failures, utter failures. I’ll probably burn them sooner or later .
I didn’t go to Austin. I didn’t go to Paris or anywhere else. Instead, I came back to New York and I painted for the last month, trying to figure out what the fuck happened back there at the beach, and where it left me .
I glance at my watch. He’s running late, of course, but I’m not surprised. It’s rush hour and he’s trying to navigate through the city. He’ll show up when he shows up, and I don’t have to rush it .
I haven’t talked to the other guys much. I just haven’t wanted to, especially not Henry. I don’t even know where he is, if I’m honest. I haven’t been able to look at his social media, just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. I want to, I wish I could apologize, but I can’t. It’s too late for that. I owe Henry so much and now I feel like I’ve thrown it all away .
For her, for Emily. I glance at the blue in my nail beds again and sip my beer, trying to forget her, but I can’t. I just can’t .
Aiden shows up a half hour late. He’s wearing his work clothes, dirty jeans, dirty button-down denim shirt. He’s corporate now, but he doesn’t act is. The guy’s always going to worksites and supervising shit, just because he can. I think he’d be happier down on the jobs himself, hauling shit around, hammering crap, whatever it is they fucking do on job sites. He grins and walks over to me .
“Hey, man,” he says. I get up and we half shake, half hug. He sits on the stool next to me and orders a whisky .
“How’ve you been ?”
“Good,” he says. “Just a busy
day. You saw that new ‘scraper going up ?”
“Sure, is that yours ?”
“It is now,” he says, grinning. “Original team had some problems, so they called us in .”
“Damn man, that’s huge .”
“So we’re celebrating that .”
I grin at him and we toast, although I don’t feel like celebrating. And judging by the look in his eyes, I don’t think he is, either .
We drink in silence for a moment. “You talk to anyone else lately?” I ask him finally .
He shrugs. “Carter a little. I think Daniel’s in some hole in Vegas right now, playing cards and drinking himself to death .”
I sigh. “And Ryan’s losing himself in tennis .”
“I watched him play a couple nights ago, actually. He looks good .”
“I caught that, too.” I got the tennis channel just to watch Ryan play in some of the less popular tournaments .
“But no Henry,” Aiden says .
“Me neither .”
We lapse into silence again. I hate this weight that’s hanging down between us, dragging us both down. It’s never been weird with Aiden before. Although I haven’t known him as long as the others have, I still feel like he’s always easy to get along with, someone I can be close to .
“She’s still on my mind,” he says finally .
“Me too,” I admit, and hold up my hands. “Been painting her .”
He glances at the blue. “How are they ?”
“Shit,” I say, dropping my hands .
“But at least you’re working .”
“Yeah, I’m working. Painting her over and over again .”
He sighs. “What the fuck are we going to do ?”
“I don’t know,” I admit .
“I’m guessing you haven’t talked to her yet ?”
“No,” I say. “Haven’t tried. I added her on Facebook a couple weeks back, but other than that.” I shake my head .
He grunts. “I paid for her hotel stay. As far as I know, she’s back at her parents’ house. Maybe she’s back at school by now, I really don’t know .”
“Shit. It’s almost mid-September, isn’t it ?”
He nods. “So she must be at school .”
“Yeah,” I say. “Back at Penn with her friends and her life .”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing .”
“Part of me wishes she were just lying around, pining away for us .”
Aiden laughs at that. “I don’t want that. I mean, I guess I do, but mostly I want her to move on .”
“Why?” I ask. “Do you really think it’s over ?”
“Feels that way,” he admits .
“Not to me.” I shake my head again and finish my beer. “Not at all .”
I order another one and Aiden lapses into silence again. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye, but I don’t know what he’s thinking. I can’t read him right now, and maybe I don’t want to .
Aiden was always the biggest proponent of whatever five-way relationship we had going on. He seemed the most comfortable with it, and I think he even was the first one to suggest it. We all followed him at the time, and I don’t think he has any regrets. But now, I don’t know what he’s thinking .
Maybe he doesn’t want to share anymore. I wouldn’t blame him. Emily’s absolutely incredible. But when I think about having her without the group, just the two of us, it somehow feels wrong. Maybe not wrong, but incomplete. Like we’re missing a vital piece of the puzzle .
“You’re right .”
I look up at him, surprised. “What ?”
“It’s not over.” He looks at me, determined .
I can’t help but smile at that. “How? I mean, Carter’s back in California. Daniel’s probably wasted somewhere in the desert. Who knows where Ryan is .”
“I can find them,” Aiden says. He’s getting this look at on his face, that look he gets before he makes a decision. “And if I do, can you convince them ?”
I frown. “I don’t know .”
He turns to me. “Listen, when was the last time you felt that good ?”
I watch him silently for a minute, afraid to answer. Truth is, I don’t know the last time I felt that content. When it was just us and Emily, it was like living in heaven .
Aiden seems to understand my silence. He smiles and nods. “Yeah, me too,” he says softly. “I’ve never been that happy before, not in my entire life. What the fuck is any of this for, if not to be happy? If we can’t have that, what’s the point ?”
“It just can’t work,” I say, but I can feel my defenses weakening .
“It can work.” He finishes his beer and stands up. “Will you convince them ?”
I nod. “I’ll do it .”
“Good. Come on, we’ve got some calls to make .”
I laugh softly and drain my beer. I toss down some cash and stand up. “How did you convince me to do this ?”
He grins. “I didn’t. You already wanted to and I just told you it was possible to have what you want. No real convincing needed .”
I laugh and follow him outside. He’s right, I didn’t need any convincing. I was already ready to do everything I could to make this happen .
And he’s right, what’s the point of anything if we’re not as happy as we can be? I don’t know how the logistics of this thing are going to play out, but I know that Aiden can make it happen. Hell, the five of us can make it happen. We’re smart, powerful, and rich. We can get it done .
The hardest part isn’t going to be rounding up the guys and convincing them to take part in this insane idea. No, I think that’s going to be a lot easier than Aiden realizes. I mean, I’ve been stewing over Emily this past month, I can’t even imagine how the others are. I know Daniel hasn’t given her up, and I don’t think Carter has, either. Ryan won’t admit it, but I know he’s hurting just as badly .
No, it’s not going to be the guys. It’s going to be convincing Emily. She seemed determined to end it at the motel the last time I saw her, and I can’t blame her .
We’re going to, anyway. If all five of us want her, she’ll come back. I know she can’t resist it. Otherwise, it was all a lie, none of it real, and I can’t accept that. I won’t accept it .
No more painting. I’m going out into the real world, and I’m taking what I need .
21
Emily
S eptember on campus is always bittersweet .
For the last month, I was hiding away at my parents’ house. They came home halfway through my stay there, which of course only made it worse. Going home as an adult is a strange thing. You’re not the child you were when you used to live in that place, and yet you still feel all of those things. It’s complicated, difficult, and I couldn’t wait to get the hell out of there .
And yet I didn’t want to go back to school. It just felt like, everything I had with the guys would be totally lost and gone forever if I left my parents’ house somehow. I don’t know how to explain it, but if the summer ended, whatever was left of that magic would end along with it .
Summer has that effect. It’s a strange combination of freedom and desire, heady and intoxicating. It created something where something may not have been before, and if you give yourself to it, summer can take you places you never dreamed of going before .
School is the winter though. It’s closed in, cold, a constant fight. I don’t want the winter, I want the summer .
But that’s not how life works .
I sigh, leaning back on the bench. My friend Molly cocks her head at me .
“What’s wrong?” she asks .
“Nothing,” I say. “Just thinking about something .”
“Thinking about that cute guy in mythology ?”
I grin at her. “Yeah, right .”
“Come on, he was totally staring at you .”
I just smile and shrug. I have no interest in college boys anymore, I suddenly realize. A year ago, I’d be freaking out, trying to fig
ure out how to get him to ask me to a party or something, but I just don’t care anymore. I got a taste of something real with five real, incredible men, and I just can’t go back to these boys .
Maybe one day, when enough time’s passed, and I can forget just how sweet it was. Maybe then I can find someone my own age, my own standing, and maybe I can start a traditional family. I’ll give up on the nontraditional family I was imagining with my guys, and move on to something else. Something that pales in comparison, but still, something .
“Well, I gotta go,” Molly says, standing up. “Gonna go steal some food from Johnson. You want to come ?”
“No, that’s okay,” I say. “I’m gonna stay here until my next class .”
“Okay. See you later.” She smiles and waves, heading away .
I sit there and watch people pass. I don’t know what I’m waiting for or what I want, but I just can’t help but stare .
I feel like I left a part of me back at that house with Henry. I haven’t heard from my brother since he kicked us out. My parents said that he’s traveling, but didn’t get more specific, and I didn’t ask. I think they know something happened, but clearly they don’t know what, and I’m not about to tell them. It’s a weird enough situation without their judgment piled up on top .
I wish Henry would talk to me. I know I ruined whatever chance I had at having a normal relationship with my older brother, but I still can’t help but hope he’ll get over it and call me. Or at least that he’d yell at me some more or something. It’s the silence that’s driving me insane, just hammering home that I hurt him, and hurt him badly .
I assume he hasn’t reached out to any of the guys, although I haven’t heard from them. I saw Ryan on TV the other night, which almost killed me, but I brought that on myself. I bought the tennis channel just to watch him, which of course was a stupid idea .
And James added me on Facebook. I debated accepting, but in the end I couldn’t help it. We haven’t spoken or messaged or anything, and I doubt I ever will. He’s a symbol of something that I left behind, as badly as I want that thing still. It’s gone, far away. From what I can tell about his profile, he’s in New York working on new paintings. I hope I get to see them one day, but I won’t hold my breath .