by B. B. Hamel
I wander the campus. There’s not much else for me to do. I keep getting flashes of what could have been: Aiden’s confident smile, Daniel’s hands on my skin, Carter’s infectious laugh, James’s sultry stare, and Ryan’s cocky teasing. I could have been smiling, laughing, enjoying whatever there is to enjoy in life with these five men, all of whom adore me .
But I passed it up. There was a moment back there in the motel room, a moment I keep thinking back on. I could have done something, but I was so upset about how things went down, about what we did to Henry, I just couldn’t bring myself to speak up. Instead, I turned my back on them, and I think that’s what destroyed it .
But I think I could have salvaged it. I think they were all ready. Maybe it’s a hard thing to do, outside of the fairy tale magical place we were living, but I think they wanted it. I had to show some interest, say that I wanted it too, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t. I had the chance to take what I really needed, but I let it slip away .
I still can see their disappointed faces. I think they all wanted me to make a move, to prove to them that I was worth it, but I couldn’t do it .
And now here I am, back on campus. It’s a pretty nice day, a little brisk, but the sun is high in the sky and there’s no wind. People mill around wearing backpacks, talking in little groups as squirrels run across the brick walkway, heading up along the trees .
For a city, Penn’s campus is surprisingly forested. I mean, not really a forest, but more trees than you’d expect. It’s a little oasis in the city really, a place where we can pretend like the world doesn’t exist and doesn’t affect us, at least for a little bit .
I head back toward my apartment. It’s a ten-minute walk off campus, but I don’t mind it. I love walking through the city, seeing people, getting reminded that I’m not alone in the world. It feels good to be in the middle of all the movement, losing myself in the crowd. I feel a part of something but also completely anonymous, and sometimes that’s a good feeling .
I get to the end of the walkway and head out onto the sidewalk. I blend into traffic, heading west, when my phone buzzes. I hesitate but decide to grab it out of my bag. I pull off to the side and lean up against a brick wall as I check my messages .
I’m surprised as hell. “Come meet us outside the Writers house,” the message says .
And it’s from James
I stare at it for a second, not sure if I should respond, not sure if I can. But then I shake my head, feeling stupid .
Of course I can respond. I shouldn’t doubt myself so damn much .
“Right now?” I type back to him .
“Right now,” he responds. “Hurry up .”
I hesitate a second, but there’s no real question in my mind. My heart’s racing in my chest and excitement boils up through my skin. “Okay,” I send him. I start walking back to campus, walking fast .
I want to scream. This isn’t happening. I’ve pictured this exact scenario over and over this past month, imagining that the guys will just reappear in my life and admit that they should never have let me go. Every time I have that fantasy, I feel so stupid, but I can’t help but smile .
And now… well, I can’t get ahead of myself. I don’t know who I’m meeting. It could just be James, but he made it sound like he’s not alone .
I’m practically shaking as I hurry toward the Writers house. Of course, he picked the spot furthest away from where I was, and so I feel like I have to hurry. The Writers House is the creative writing school’s home base, where they have classes, readings, and all that good stuff. I’ve been there a couple times for shows and readings from authors that I like, and it’s a cute little place. Of course that’s where James wants to meet me, he’d know all about it, most artists do .
I’m breathing fast. I’m so damn nervous. I feel like this is finally my chance to stand up and say what I want. I can’t believe it’s actually happening, but as I turn down the brick walkway that leads toward the Writers House, I know I’m going to speak up .
I deserve what I want. And if they want it too, there’s no reason we should back down. I know Henry will hate us, probably will never get over it, but I can’t live my life wondering what other people think about my happiness. I can only take what I want and try my best .
I get closer and closer, and I see him, leaning up against a black railing. He’s wearing a brown jacket, slim jeans, and his hair is messy .
And as I get closer, I realize he’s not alone .
I want to scream. I’m afraid and I’m happy and I’m sad, all at once. It’s a confusing cacophony of emotions and I don’t know how I’m going to handle this moment .
James turns to me. His face lights up. Aiden and Carter step toward me. Daniel, looking haggard, suddenly grins huge. Even Ryan’s there, eyes bright .
“Hey, Emily,” James said. “We came to see you .”
For a second, I don’t know what to say, but then it doesn’t matter. They come up to me and kiss my cheek, one after the other, and it doesn’t matter. None of it matters .
“I’m glad you all came,” I say, which is the understatement of the world .
Aiden squeezes my hand, laughs, and I know I won’t look away, not this time. Maybe we have some hard decisions ahead of us, but I’ll face them, full on and grinning the whole time .
22
Ryan
“H ow is this okay?” Emily asks, looking around the room .
James laughs. “I know a guy,” he says .
She shakes her head, smiling at him. “I shouldn’t be so surprised .”
“No, you shouldn’t be.” He steps toward her. “I’m glad you came .”
She looks around at us and I can’t help but smile .
This last month, ever since we left Henry’s place, has been hell for me. I haven’t been able to get Emily off my mind for even a single second, and I didn’t know what the fuck to do with myself .
I’ve never, ever felt this way before. I’ve been hung up on girls before, but not in a long time, and never like this. Every day, I woke up thinking about Emily, wondering when I’d see her again, and each night I went to sleep imagining that she was nearby .
I lost myself in tennis. That’s the only way I knew how to get past a thing like this. I had to push my body to the limits, working out every single day, doing the same drills over and over and over until my hands were sore and my muscles ached. And then I’d go to sleep, and do it again the next day .
I played some of my best tennis, as it turned out. Won a little tournament over in Cleveland, although the competition wasn’t that great. Still, it was a good way to try and forget about her, at least for a little while .
At least until I went back to my hotel at night, got into bed, and dreamed about her lips against mine .
Now standing here in this room in the Writers House, I can’t help but feel all of that again, and more. The moment she left back there in the motel, that was one of the lowest moments of my life. I wanted to chase after her, but Daniel stopped me .
“Let her go,” he said back then. “She made her choice .”
I wish I hadn’t listened. Now, Daniel’s here with us, looking worse for wear. I wish he hadn’t listened to himself. I think he took her leaving the hardest, or at least he dealt with it in the worst way. He’s clearly barely hanging on, just sobering up after a month-long bender. Aiden said they found him drunk in the gutter, apparently after having been thrown out of a high-stakes poker match for cheating .
“What are we doing here?” she asks finally .
“I think you know,” Aiden says .
She shakes her head. “I’m honestly not sure .”
“James and Aiden got us all together,” I say softly. She turns her pretty eyes toward me and I feel something flutter in my chest. “We were all thinking about you. I don’t think any of us could stop .”
“I could stop,” Daniel grumbles. “At least when I was blacked out drunk .”
Her eyes go slightly wide
. “You’re back here for me ?”
“Of course we are,” Aiden says softly .
“We shouldn’t have let you leave,” James adds. “That was a mistake .”
“I chose to walk out,” she says, frowning. “That was my choice .”
“It was the wrong choice,” I say seriously .
Daniel doesn’t disagree with me this time .
“We want to see you,” Carter says, moving toward her. “We want to try and make this work .”
“Work?” She looks bewildered. “How ?”
“I have some ideas,” Aiden says softly .
“But… why?” She seems genuinely confused. “I thought… that was just because of the house .”
“No,” I say sternly. “Not at all .”
She turns away from us, looking at the floor. Clearly this room is usually for teaching, since there are chairs stacked up against the far wall. It’s empty otherwise, and Daniel’s the only one sitting down, probably because he’ll puke if he stays on his feet. Poor fucking guy tortures himself even more than I do .
“We want you,” I say, walking up to her. I put a hand on her shoulder and for a second, she tenses .
But she relaxes a second later, turning around to face me. “Why?” she asks, such a simple question .
And suddenly it makes sense. It all makes sense, all of it, all the confusion and the rejection. I can’t help but laugh at her question, which only makes her more upset .
“I’m sorry,” I say quickly. “It’s just, it’s so obvious. You think you don’t deserve us .”
She nods her head. “Of course I don’t .”
I laugh again and take her hands. “Listen Emily. You do, you really do.” I look around at the others. “Tell her .”
“He’s right,” Carter says. “I’ve never met someone like you before. There’s just this …”
“This hunger,” Aiden finishes for him. “I feel it too .”
“We all do,” Daniel manages to croak. “Although mostly I just feel like death right now. Don’t mind me, I was in Vegas trying to drink myself to death .”
She frowns at him, but I pull her attention back to me. “You deserve this more than you know. We want you for a reason .”
“Why?” she asks again .
“Because of how you make us feel .”
“He’s right,” James says. “You do something to us …”
“Something amazing.” Aiden steps up to her, and we’re all surrounding her. I lean forward and kiss her softly .
“Amazing,” Carter echoes. He pulls her chin toward him and kisses her .
Aiden kisses her next, followed by James. Finally, Daniel gets up, ambles over, and kisses her softly .
“I’m here because I want you,” he says simply, and sits back down .
She blinks and shakes her head. She steps away from our group, across the room, and looks out the window .
“I’ve been picturing this moment,” she says softly. “Ever since I walked out. I don’t think I should have walked away back then, but I can’t change it now. I mean, this is what I want.” She turns back to us .
“So take it,” I say .
“But all of the problems are still there. I mean, how can we make this work? We all live in different places .”
“Actually,” Aiden says quickly. “I think I can help with that.” He walks over to the computer that’s built into the podium next to the whiteboard and boots it up. After a minute, he pulls up a real estate listing, a gorgeous townhouse in Old City .
“I bought this,” he says, looking around. “It’s six or seven bedrooms, a bunch of bathrooms, all the shit we’d need to live together .”
Her eyes go wide. “You did what ?”
“I bought this,” he says again. “Well, James helped a little. Actually, everyone helped. We split it, and we want you to live in it .”
“Me, live there?” She stares at the listing. The house is beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, and in a fantastic neighborhood. “I can’t .”
“Sure you can,” I say. “You live there, and whoever is in town will live with you .”
“I’ll be there full-time,” Aiden says .
“Me too,” James adds .
“The rest of us will travel when we have to, but we’ll come live at home when we’re able,” I say .
“I’ll fly between the west coast and here until I get work in the city,” Carter says .
Her eyes go even wider. “No, no way. I can’t ask that of you .”
“We’re already doing it,” Carter says. “It’s already done. I put some feelers out for positions at a few different schools around here, and it’s only a matter of time now .”
“It’s happening,” Aiden says. “This is real. We can share you, all in our own little house, our own mansion in the city. We can share you and you can live with us for as long as you want .”
She stares at us one by one. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I know it’s an insane idea, totally crazy, but as soon as Aiden told me, I knew I was in. I have nothing to lose. I don’t care where I live. I travel all the time for tennis, but when I’m not traveling, I want to be in the city, living with Emily and my friends .
Because I can see the future of us. I can see a family, as nontraditional as possible, but a family nonetheless. Maybe we’ll have kids, or maybe we won’t. We’ll figure all that out. But we’ll be together with Emily, her little harem of guys, and I want to be a part of that more than anything else .
“I can’t,” she says softly .
“You can,” I say. “It’s happening .”
She blinks, and I realize she’s trying not to cry. I walk up to her and pull her into a hug. “It’s okay,” I whisper in her ear .
She breaks down then. The rest of the guys crowd around, hugging her, touching her, kissing her, comforting her. She lets us pass her around, trying to calm her down. Slowly, the crying stops, and she smiles, the first heartbreaking smile I’ve ever seen from her .
“Are you really sure?” she asks the group .
“We’re sure,” Daniel says. He’s actually starting to look better, I have to admit. “We’re very sure .”
“Okay,” she says finally. “I’ll do it .”
“Great,” Aiden says, grinning huge. “How about we go check out our new home ?”
She nods, and laughs. “This is insane .”
“Yes, yes it is,” Carter answers, hugging her. “But it’s going to be good .”
We slowly leave the room behind, and I feel good for the first time since we left that motel. I’m finally hopeful that something good is going to happen, something worthwhile. We all follow Aiden out into the city, out toward our new home and our future .
23
Emily
L ight streams in through the high windows, illuminating the empty living room. The hardwood floors echo slightly as I walk across them .
“Big couch here,” Aiden is saying. “TV or projection screen over there.” He gestures at the far wall .
“Holy shit, this kitchen,” Carter calls from the other room .
Aiden grins at me. “And plenty of room upstairs, too .”
“Is there studio space?” James asks .
Aiden shrugs. “Probably one of the extra rooms upstairs, but we’ll have to talk about it .”
He grins and wanders off to investigate .
“What do you think?” he asks me .
I bite my lip, not ready to respond just yet. The house is absolutely beautiful, the kind of place I’ve always dreamed of living. It’s in an amazing neighborhood too, easily accessible to a lot of great restaurants and a big park, but not right in the middle of the city .
It’s more than I could have ever asked for .
“The house is perfect,” I say to him .
He hesitates. “There’s a ‘but’ coming .”
“But,” I say, undaunted, “the logistics are still all over the place .”
“Don’t worry about
that,” he says to me. He walks closer and wraps his arms around me, pulling me close. “We’ll figure it out .”
“Do they really all want to move in here?” I ask him softly .
“Yes,” he says, laughing. “This is the plan. We talked a lot about it .”
“I can’t believe …”
“Believe,” he says firmly, tilting my chin up toward him. “It’s time for you to believe .”
I stare into his eyes, and suddenly I’m aware of Carter, Ryan, and Daniel drifting into the room .
“This is real,” Daniel says .
“We all want this,” Ryan confirms .
I look over at them. “None of this is going to disappear when I wake up ?”
Carter laughs softly and walks over. He steers me away from Aiden, pulling me tight against his chest. “This isn’t going anywhere,” he says. “Although we’re going to have to start furnishing this place if we’re going to live here .”
He kisses me softly and for the first time since they all came back, I don’t think about it. I just let myself be, let myself kiss this man back and sink into the perfect bliss that is this moment .
I’m with my five men, standing in a house that I’m going to live in. It’s beautiful, almost too beautiful, and although the nagging voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that I don’t deserve this place… I don’t care about it so much anymore. That voice can shut the hell up .
Because I’m with my men .
Daniel pulls me away from Carter, tipping my mouth toward him. He kisses me deeply. “Been waiting real patiently for that,” he says softly .
Ryan kisses me next, followed by Aiden. “We’ve all been patient,” Aiden says .
My heart starts beating fast in my chest. “You’ve all been so patient, haven’t you ?”
Aiden nods, tipping my chin toward him. “Very patient .”