Second Thoughts

by Jade Winters

She shook her head affirmatively. “No, I don’t think she will. Anyway I’d better do the rounds; I’ll see you in a bit.”

  As she walked off to mingle with their guests she was grateful that Sara wasn’t there. She needed to remain focused on the woman she had made her vows to.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  “Well Mrs Hajredini, how does it feel now I’ve made an honest woman of you?” Bettina laughed as they walked through the door to their home, now a married couple.

  “Yeah, great. Yourself?”

  “Amazing, brilliant, I’ve never been so happy in all of my life.” She slipped off her shoes and danced along the hall to imaginary music. “And I know things are going to get better,” Bettina said dragging Melissa into the dance with her.

  She stopped abruptly, pulled Melissa to her and smiled suggestively. “Let’s go upstairs.”

  “I need to unwind first.”

  “That’s exactly what we’re going to do. I thought we’d consummate our marriage.”

  Melissa laughed. “I thought sex was supposed to go downhill once you were married, not get more adventurous.”

  “Well we’re going to defy those odds. Come on, I’ll race you upstairs.”

  Melissa remained standing at the foot of the stairs. “Let’s open a bottle of bubbly first? I’m still feeling a bit stressed if I’m honest. My jaw is aching from talking so much.”

  “Okay, you grab a bottle and meet me upstairs.”

  “I was thinking more along the lines of drinking it in the garden; we could light a fire and look up at the stars. It’s a beautiful clear night.”

  “If that’s what you want who am I to disappoint? I’ll change and grab a couple of blankets. I’ll see you outside in a bit.”

  “Okay,” Melissa said. She walked into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of champagne from the fridge and two glasses and went out into the garden with them. Within minutes she had started a log fire in the wood burner and was sat back in a garden recliner sipping on her drink.

  So she’d done it. She was now married and it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. Feelings of guilt and regret were in the distant past and now she was looking forward to the future. Maybe they could find some baby naming books on Amazon and go through them until they found a name they both agreed on. It would be good to be on the same team again where they were working towards a common goal – motherhood.

  She heard Bettina’s footsteps on the decking. “You’d have been a great fire maker back in the cave man era,” she joked as she handed her a fleece blanket and took a seat next to her.

  “I don’t know about that. I don’t think they had firelighters and matches back then.”

  Bettina laughed. “Yeah, you’re right.” She reclined her chair and looked up at the star-filled sky. “This is just so perfect, Melissa.”

  “Yes, yes it is.” It felt so good to have finally made a decision and now sitting there with Bettina, she was sure it was the right one.

  “What were you thinking about?” Bettina asked as she reached over and took a glass of champagne from the table.

  Melissa looked down at her glass and hadn’t even realised she’d drank the contents. She refilled it and turned to look at Bettina. “Our day and how beautiful you looked.”

  Bettina smiled. “If it wasn’t me you were marrying today, I would have been so jealous of the person lucky enough to have you. You literally took my breath away when I saw you coming down the aisle.”

  Melissa suddenly giggled. “Oh, look at us acting like a newlywed couple,” she joked. Things had been so good between them before Sara had arrived back on the scene. They could easily go back to the way they were.

  “I hope we stay this way forever and ever and you make my knees go weak even when I’m an old woman,” Bettina said taking a slow slip of her drink.

  “If you live that long, the only thing making your knees go weak will be arthritis.”

  Bettina playfully slapped Melissa’s shoulder. “Gosh, you’re so romantic aren’t you?”

  Melissa cocked her head. “Don’t you always tell me I’m a realist?”

  Bettina leaned over, holding her face inches from Melissa’s. “Well take a day off. Tonight; I want you to have your head in the clouds like me.”

  “Okay.” She kissed Bettina lingeringly on the lips. “I like being this high with you.”

  Bettina drew her head back a little. “Do you think anyone would notice if we did the deed under the blanket?”

  “I doubt it and if they did and they were offended, it would serve them right for looking.” Melissa chuckled.

  “I think I like this marriage lark very much Mrs Hajredini,” Bettina said wriggling out of her trousers.

  “Me too.”

  Melissa closed her eyes and gave in to the moment, pushing all thoughts of Sara aside. They had survived this long on the love they had for each other, so why did she ever think that she needed more?

  ***

  Melissa spread a spoonful of crème fraîche over the potato rosti she had just fried and laid a piece of fresh smoked salmon on top with a dash of dill. Perfect. After last night’s love making she felt closer to Bettina than she had in a long time.

  She walked up the stairs to a sleeping Bettina and rested the tray of food on the bedside table. Bending over, she kissed her earlobe and whispered. “Wakey wakey, sweetheart.”

  A smile spread on Bettina’s lips. “Mmmm, something smells good.”

  “It’s your favourite. I’ll go and get our coffees and join you in a minute.”

  “Naked I hope.”

  “Of course. I think you still owe me one from last night.”

  “No, I think you owe me one. If I’m right the score was three two to you.”

  “Hmm, I’ll have to think about that. I know what a cheat you can be,” Melissa said laughing as she left the room.

  Whistling as she ran down the stairs and into the kitchen Melissa felt as if she was on cloud nine. She didn’t have to be on a fancy honeymoon in the Maldives or the Bahamas to be happy. She was content with where they were.

  Hearing her phone vibrate on the kitchen worktop she considered ignoring it, but thought better of it in case it was Eli. She had seemed a bit off last night, even standoffish with Scott, which she had never seen before. As much as Melissa had tried to find out about their break-up, Eli would not tell her.

  Melissa crossed the room and flipped the phone open. It was a message from Faye.

  Sara’s ticket is booked

  She said to say goodbye

  Xxxx

  Melissa’s heart lurched against her chest. She really wasn’t going to see Sara again. The thought of it immediately dampened her spirits. She knew it was foolish to feel like this, especially now. Tomorrow, Bettina would be taking a step that was going to alter their lives forever. They were going to change from being a married couple to a family of three.

  “Where’s my coffee, love slave?” she heard Bettina calling down.

  Melissa flipped the phone closed and poured water into the two mugs. What she was feeling wasn’t real, she reminded herself, as her thoughts returned to making love to Bettina the previous night. She had been in the moment with her and Sara hadn’t entered her mind once. Only because you consciously wouldn’t let her. So what if that was the truth. With practise controlling her thoughts would only get easier and it wouldn’t be long before she could put Sara out of her mind for good.

  She placed the mugs on a tray and headed back up the stairs. As hard as she tried she couldn’t get the text out of her mind. Her ticket is booked.

  Bettina was propped up on her elbow, forking the food into her mouth. As Melissa walked in she looked up at her. “Are you okay, baby?”

  “Never better.”

  “Are you sure, you look a bit peaky.”

  “I think last night is catching up on me. I’ll have a nap on the sofa.”

  “Really? What happened to our morning tryst?”

  “I don’t
think I have the energy.” Mentally or physically.

  “Okay. I’ll come and join you in a minute; maybe I can change your mind.”

  In an instant she thought of Sara and doubted it very much.

  Chapter Forty

  Melissa couldn’t understand, why, on one of the most important days of their lives, she was thinking about a woman other than her now wife. She should have been drinking in every second of their child being conceived. She watched with detachment as the doctor helped Bettina put her legs into the stirrups. What is Sara doing? The nurse wheeled over the station to the side of the bed. Will she meet someone else now I’ve rejected her? The doctor told Bettina to relax. Will she love someone else as much as she loved me?

  Melissa suddenly felt claustrophobic in the small confines of the windowless room. A wave of heat crept up her neck, the palms of her hands slippery with sweat.

  “No!” The word fell out of her mouth before she could stop it.

  Both the doctor and Bettina snapped their heads towards her.

  She clasped her hand to her mouth. “Sorry, I’m so sorry.”

  “Are you okay sweetheart?”

  “Bettina, I don’t think I can do this. I’m sorry.” She thought she was ready for all of this: the wedding, the baby, the commitment. But now the very thought of it terrified her. How could so much happen in a week?

  The walls closing in on her, she abruptly jumped to her feet and ran from the room like a gust of wind, the muscles in her legs fired with adrenaline making her move faster than she had thought possible. I need to get out of here, I need to get out! She slipped as she rounded a corner, narrowly avoiding a collision with a small child. “Sorry,” she called out breathlessly as she ran on, the child looking after her with huge shocked eyes.

  Blood pounded in her head as she frantically looked for an exit sign, her mind was so muddled she couldn’t remember the route they had taken when they’d first arrived. Suddenly she saw an “Emergency exit” that signalled her much needed escape. She raced towards it, brushing past nurses as they stood chatting idly to one another. As she stepped out of the building a whoosh of air filled her lungs. I’m going to be alright. She walked unsteadily along the side of the building taking deep and measured breaths until her legs stopped feeling like jelly.

  She saw a bench and walked over to it. Sitting, she sank her face into her hands. What was wrong with her? What had made her suddenly panic? Was it just nerves? She remembered when the exact thing had happened at school when she was waiting to take an exam. She had got over that episode by blowing into a small paper bag the school nurse had given her.

  Melissa was feeling spasms of guilt now as she leaned her head right back and inhaled a deep breath. She told herself to get up, walk back into the clinic and apologise. Bettina would understand. She would talk her down like she normally did if something was stressing her out. But the thing that was worrying her was something she could never tell Bettina about.

  She blew out a frustrated breath. The only other person she could turn to wasn’t answering her calls. She wouldn’t have dumped this on Eli anyway. No, she had to sort out her own problems.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Faye edged her Ford Fiesta onto the M40 and cruised down the inside lane. Switching off the radio, she briefly turned to look at Sara. “So, me and Chrissy were thinking of coming to pay you a visit in a couple of months.”

  “That would be great. I look forward to it. I’ve got more than enough room in my place for you both to stay.”

  “Great, I’ll tell her. So are you all packed and ready to go?”

  “Yeah. I’ll be glad to see the back of this place. It’s time I moved on to greener pastures.”

  “I can’t believe you’re single. I thought they’d be lining up for you over there.”

  Sara smirked. “I wouldn’t exactly say I’ve been living like a nun. But it gets a bit tiresome when you don’t feel that connection with someone.”

  “Yeah, I know what you mean. Before I met Chrissy, I didn’t even believe there was such a thing as the ‘one’.”

  Sara kneaded the back of her neck. “Well I can only hope that there isn’t only one love of your life. I can’t imagine getting old and still pining after Melissa. How tragic would that be?”

  Faye chuckled. “I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Like Chrissy said, you’ve got closure now. Melissa made her choice. It’s not as if you didn’t try.”

  She leaned over to the back seat and snatched her phone from her bag. Number unknown. She contemplated ignoring it before sighing and answering it.

  “Hello.”

  “Sara, it’s Melissa.”

  “Melissa. What’s wrong?” she turned to Faye.

  “I need to see you.”

  She could hear the desperation in her voice. “What’s happened?”

  “Please, come.”

  “Okay, listen to me. We’re about an hour from London. Wait for me in the bar at my hotel.”

  “Ok, but please hurry.”

  “I will. Just go and wait.”

  She turned to Faye. “Can you put your foot down? We need to get back to London, ASAP.”

  “Is she alright?”

  Sara shrugged. “That’s what I’m about to find out,” she said looking out of the window.

  ***

  Sara strode across the polished tiles in the foyer and turned down the narrow corridor that led to the bar. Melissa was sitting by one of the tables near a glass-blocked wall. She slowly got to her feet as Sara approached. Casually dressed in faded jeans and a black v –neck jumper, she looked dishevelled but beautifully childlike at the same time. She had an air of vulnerability that made Sara want to take her in her arms and be her defence shield. Melissa’s hand held a half-empty wine glass and by the way she swayed slightly to the left and then the right, she’d already had one too many.

  Sara embraced her gently then dropped into the seat beside her. “Have you had an argument with Bettina?” she asked hesitantly.

  Melissa shook her head as she raked her hand through her hair, still keeping her eyes fixed on Sara’s.

  Sara watched her as she seemed to be struggling with whatever story was going on in her head.

  “We went to the clinic today for the insemination and I just freaked out.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it. You were most probably having a panic attack. Having a baby’s a massive life changer.”

  Her shoulders sagged. “But I thought it was what I wanted.”

  Sara moved close enough that she could smell the zesty freshness of her perfume. “Missy, you’re allowed to have second thoughts you know. Nothing is set in stone. You might feel completely different about the situation tomorrow.”

  She clamped her eyes shut. “Will I? Dammit!” She cursed as she lowered her forehead to the table.

  Sara placed her arm around her shoulder for a few seconds. She hated to see her going through pain. She felt helpless knowing there was nothing she could do to ease it. She had suffered in the same way when she had chosen her PhD over Melissa.

  Melissa straightened up. “Oh God, oh God, oh God,” she moaned before emptying her glass in one go. “I should never have married her. I should have listened to Faye.”

  Sara laughed. “Let’s be realistic here. As great as Faye is, she’s not the best Agony Aunt out there. You did what you thought was the right thing to do.”

  “For who? Everyone but me.”

  Of course she agreed with her. That’s what she had been trying to tell her since she got back, but she wouldn’t listen to her. Now that Melissa had made a rod for her own back, she was going to have to suffer the consequences. There was no way Sara was going to get into a love triangle especially with an innocent baby involved.

  “Missy, you’re not an idiot. You’re just loyal to a fault. Which means you make decisions that might be the right ones morally, but not necessarily the right ones for you.”

  “I’m stuck now, aren’t I?”
>
  “No, you’re not. You’ve always got choices.” She reached out and took her hand, hoping she didn’t notice the slight tremors in her fingers.

  “What would you do if you were me?” she asked, her eyes narrowing.

  “Well from my biased point of view, I’d run back to the States with me and live happily ever after. But if you want to know what the right thing to do is – I’d go back to my wife and make a go of things.”

  Melissa looked at her bewildered but remained silent.

  Sara knew what she must be thinking. That she was probably trying to get rid of her so she could go back to the States guilt free. But that line of thought couldn’t have been further from the truth.

  Sara reached down and held her hand. “It’s not just about the two of you anymore. Bettina could be pregnant. I never thought I’d say this but she deserves your commitment now, they both do.”

  “But I can’t do this. I don’t love her.” She dropped her eyes to her empty glass. “The way I love you.”

  “If I hadn’t come back, you’d be happily married now at home making plans for the future. You’re confused at the moment. You know what the right thing to do is.”

  As heavy as her heart felt she knew there was no future between them, not with a baby in the picture. The stakes were too high now. “Go home Melissa and put me out of your head. Your future is with Bettina now, not a ghost from the past.”

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Melissa snuck into the darkened house. She was gasping for some water. Drinking in the day was a definite no-no for her. She made her way to the kitchen and took some water from the fridge, guzzling it straight from the bottle.

  “You’re not dead then.”

  She jumped when she heard Bettina’s voice, water spilling down the side of her mouth. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and ignored the rapid heart palpitations in her chest. Trying to keep her voice steady she replied, “I thought you’d be asleep.”