My heart sank into my shoes. In the time between ice skating and now, Heidi had started coming up more and more often. Millie had been massively disappointed when she woke up and found Heidi had gone, and it hadn’t been an act then.
It had been a wake-up call for me. In my attempt of being careful because of it, I hadn’t invited Heidi to spend any more time with us.
Heidi and I had spent time together, at work and outside of it. But I hadn’t wanted Millie to get any more attached to her than she already seemed to be.
Heidi asked about Millie every time I saw her, but she didn’t ask to see her. It was like she was being careful about it too, even though we hadn’t discussed it outright.
I had been hoping that Millie’s fascination with Heidi would fade over time, and since she hadn’t brought her up for the last few days, I’d been convinced it had worked. I’d thought I had dodged the proverbial bullet and that I wouldn’t have to worry about Millie anymore.
Yeah, turns out I was wrong. So wrong.
What was worse was that this time, she’d mentioned Heidi in front of my mother. Again.
I’d deliberately kept my mouth shut about her in front of Mum after the way she’d reacted the last couple of times, but Millie didn’t know that.
My mum’s spine straightened to the extent that it looked painful. A flint of anger sparked in her gaze, the blue of it suddenly as cold as the deepest part of the Atlantic. “Heidi? That party planner woman?”
“Yes, Grandma,” Millie said, excitement seeping into her voice. “We went ice skating with her. She’s so cool.”
“I’m sure she is.” My mother might as well have been a bloody ice sculpture at this point.
I took Millie’s hand in mine and squeezed it tightly. “Heidi has plans today with her own family, sweetheart. I don’t think she’s going to be able to come.”
I’d said it to appease Millie more than anything else, but my mother turned absolutely glacial. “You invited this woman over to spend Christmas with us?”
Jesus. She was acting like I’d invited her worst enemy, not a party planner named Heidi. “No, mother. I only asked her what she was doing for Christmas. Nothing more.”
Not surprisingly, the information didn’t relax her. She jerked her head in the direction of the kitchen and hooked a finger at me, giving Millie a sweet smile. “I need to talk to your daddy for a minute, sweetheart. Will you be okay playing with your story-maker kit for a little while?”
She motioned to one of the presents in the pile. “I believe one can make up rather grand stories with it. It should be fun.”
Millie smiled brightly, even though she still seemed to be a little disappointed that Heidi wouldn’t be joining us. “Yes, Grandma. I will. I’ll show you guys when you come back.”
“Excellent.” My mother rose from the armchair beside the couch with her back still as straight as an arrow and marched towards the kitchen without looking back. Obviously, she was simply expecting that I would follow.
Is this drama really fucking necessary on Christmas Day? I thought as I got to my feet. On any other day, I’d have been annoyed that she was treating me like a child in trouble. Today, however, I was just eager to get her latest lecture over with so we could get back to celebrating the holiday.
“What is going on here, Archer?” Her eyes blazed into mine as she gracefully folded her arms across her chest. “Have you secretly been in a relationship with that woman?”
I closed the kitchen door quickly when I realised that, apparently, we weren’t keeping our voices all that hushed for this conversation. Turning to face her, I frowned. “A secret relationship? No. That would imply there was a reason to keep it secret, which there isn’t. I’m thirty-three and I’m single. I wouldn’t have to hide a thing.”
“So you are in a relationship with her?” Her tone was so accusatory that if I’d been a stranger listening in, I’d have thought she’d caught her spouse having an affair.
“No, Mother. I’m not in a relationship with her. I’m simply pointing out that if I was, I wouldn’t have to hide it.”
“What were you doing going on a date with her, then?” She arched a manicured eyebrow. “And what made you think that bringing Millie was a good idea?”
“It wasn’t a date.” Okay, it sort of had been. But it hadn’t been planned that way, not really. All I’d wanted was to spend some more time with her while not being at work. “Millie and I went ice skating and I invited Heidi along. She was just being friendly to Millie and it was nice for her to have a woman around. That’s it. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Nothing to worry about?” Her voice was low now, which was somehow worse than when she’d raised it earlier. In fact, it was so low it was almost a hiss. “Break it off with this woman, Archer. Today.”
“I just told you,” I said, exasperated, “there’s nothing to break off. I’m not dating her.”
“That’s even worse. Bringing home random women is not the right thing to do for Millie.”
“I didn’t bring her home.” Not on the same day as we’d gone ice skating, anyway. “Secondly, she’s not random. She’s a friend.”
“A friend?” She cocked her head, a chuckle so cold that it sent a shiver down my spine spilled from her lips. “A month or so ago, she was just some woman you were working with and now you consider her a friend? It’s obvious that she’s after your money, Archer. Your relationship wouldn’t have progressed so far so fast if she hadn’t gotten a taste of it, with what I’m sure you’re paying her for your party.”
“I admit to not knowing much about women, but Heidi isn’t after me or my money. She was friendly to Millie and Millie enjoyed her company. Relax, would you?”
“How can you tell me to relax when this woman is going to hurt Millie?” Her eyes blew open so wide I could see a ring of white all the way around them. “Listen to me and listen to me well, boy. I’m not going to let that happen.”
“Neither am I.” I raised my hands and showed her my palms, not willing to argue with her any longer. There wasn’t any point to it.
These opinions of hers had become so deeply ingrained in who she had become in the wake of my ex leaving us that arguing with her would only ruin the rest of our day. I really just wanted to enjoy the holiday with my daughter.
Proving my mother wrong on this would take much more than just the one day. There was no need for Millie’s whole Christmas to be ruined when it wouldn’t be resolved today.
“I promise you, Mother.” I stepped forward until I was standing right in front of her and took her trembling hands in mine. “No one is going to hurt Millie, okay? Can we please go back to her now. It’s Christmas Day. Heidi’s not here and she’s not going to be. The only real relationship we have is a professional one. By this time next month, I probably won’t even remember her name anymore.”
My mother’s shoulders finally lowered when I said it, but there was a stab of pain in my gut at the same time. Heidi and I probably wouldn’t be talking anymore by this time next month, but I was sure as hell going to remember her name.
Chapter 22
Heidi
“Merry Christmas,” Bonnie sang into my ear on Christmas morning. “Do you have any big plans for the day with that gorgeous man you’re seeing?”
“No,” I said, my voice light despite the vice grip I felt clenching around my heart. “Because there isn’t a man I’m seeing.”
“Fine. Be that way.” She sniffed, then laughed. “Do you have any plans with the man you’re being purely professional with after that one lapse of judgement and who just so happens to be the most eligible bachelor in the country?”
“One of the most eligible bachelors, not the most eligible,” I corrected with a smile on my lips. It still didn’t dislodge the vice, though. “But no. I don’t have any plans with Archer. I’m going to see my mother.”
“Your mother?” Bonnie said with more than a hint of surprise in her voice. “Really?”
�
��Yes, really.” I sighed and turned my eyes back to the window I’d spent the better part of the last two hours gazing out of. “It’s time. It’s been too long since I’ve visited and I don’t want her to think I’ve forgotten all about her.”
“To be fair,” Bonnie said gently, “it’s probably not you who’s forgetting things. Let me know if you need anything after, okay?”
“I will, but don’t worry. I’ll be fine. We’ll have some lunch and talk for a little while. Then I’ll leave her to rest. You know how important it is for her to rest.”
“I know, but I’ll still be thinking about you and worrying about you.” I heard the concern thickening her voice and it made my breath catch in my throat.
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I’ll let you know if I’m not. I promise.”
“Okay,” she said after a long pause. “Love you.”
“I love you, too.” I managed another smile and then said my goodbyes. Bonnie reminded me again that she would be there for me if I needed her before hanging up the phone.
I knew Bonnie would come if I called her, but no matter what happened today, I wouldn’t call her. Bonnie hadn’t spent much time with her family for the last few months because we’d been so busy at work.
Her family was big, crazy, and very close. There was no way I’d intrude on them over the holiday.
Alone with my thoughts once more, my gaze swept across the buildings I could see through my kitchen window. All the office buildings would be empty today, but all the other flats would be filled with families celebrating together.
If I closed my eyes, I could practically hear the laughter, the clinking glasses, and the Christmas carols playing all over the city. Hell, all over the world. Except for in my flat, of course.
Everything was quiet here. I couldn’t even bear to turn on the radio or the television because reminders of the fact that it was Christmas were everywhere. Those that reminded me all too painfully that it was Christmas and that yet again I was alone for the day.
I sighed. I used to love Christmas. It had been my absolute favourite day of the year. Mom and I would wake up early and bake cookies together. Then we’d cook a feast even if it was just for the two of us.
We’d spend all of Christmas Eve decorating our little flat, or apartment since it had been back in New York, I guessed. Some years, we’d have our neighbours or even distant relatives over, but no matter who joined us, the two of us were always merry and happy on the day.
A pang of homesickness hit me in the stomach so hard that tears quickly formed in my eyes. It wasn’t homesickness for the States so much as it was for that apartment, with my mother and her warmth inside and sleet outside.
But I hadn’t had that for years and I never would again. My mother wasn’t capable of providing warmth like that anymore. Even if I moved back to New York, which I wouldn’t do because this was my home now, it wouldn’t be the same there anyway.
It never had been after she left, which was how I’d ended up in Sydney in the first place. I’d had friends back in New York but not that many.
Mom was my only real family, and after she was gone, it was lonely there. When Robert called six months later to tell me that he needed my help, it hadn’t been all that difficult for him to get me to agree.
I’d packed up the few things in the apartment I’d been renting that were even mine, printed the plane ticket my stepfather had emailed to me, and taken a cab to the airport. In all these years, I’d never gone back.
I always got nostalgic at this time of year, though. I missed my mother something fierce. I replayed all of our good memories on a loop in my head while I sat next to this exact window and looked out over bright and sunny Sydney, trying to imagine what it had been like to see snow falling outside over Christmas.
With a heavy sigh and tears still stinging my eyes, I checked the time. If I wanted to get to my mother for lunchtime, I should probably start getting ready.
While I showered and got dressed in my most festive red sundress with dancing Santas on it, I thought about all the memories I had with my mother. Laughing while we shopped, even though we were on a shoestring budget, sitting on our couch eating Ramen noodles for the fourth night in a row and still raving about how good they were.
All that had changed when Robert had come to town. A wealthy Australian businessman who was supposed to have come to New York for a conference and ended up staying for a month, sweeping my mother clean off her feet and bringing her home to Sydney as his fiancée.
He still visited with my mother now and he paid for her care, but he’d swept another woman off her feet since and lived with her out in the suburbs somewhere. He didn’t have the heart to divorce my mother in her current condition though, which I was grateful for.
When I pulled up to my mother’s nursing home later in the morning, it was with a heavy heart and lead in my stomach. It was the same every time I got here, not knowing whether she was having a good day or a bad one.
Early onset dementia. I hadn’t even known it existed until Robert had called to tell me my mother had received the diagnosis.
It was only a few months later that he called to tell me that he needed my help. They’d been arguing over her coming to the nursing home and he claimed it would be easier for her if I was around to visit. Apparently, one of the main arguments she had been making was that she had to be free to travel so she could come to see me.
Given the choice between moving and my mother being taken care of well, it hadn’t been a choice at all. There was no way she’d have been able to travel, especially that distance, alone in her condition. Robert couldn’t always accompany her because of work, and in any event, she needed help. A lot of it. Every day of her life.
Pushing that dark period of my life out of my mind, I walked up the flower-lined path to the wide front doors of the nursing home and pushed them open with a forced smile on my face. There were people all around, visiting their relatives, and if they could smile at me, then I could do the same for them. We were all in the same boat around here.
“Heidi,” my mother exclaimed when I walked into her small but neat room. “It’s so good to see you.”
Relief flooded me, making my heart swell several sizes. She knew who I was. For now, anyway.
“Come here, my baby.” She opened her thin, frail-looking arms and I let her pull me into a hug that was as tight as she could handle. “How are you?”
“I’m good. How are you?” I beamed at her, thankful beyond measure that she knew who I was, even if it did break my heart to see her looking so fragile.
“I’m just fine. Wonderful, really. I’m so glad you’re here.” She’d lost more weight, but Robert had warned me about that.
I might not really be welcome at his new home with his new woman there, but we talked on the phone at least once a month.
The lines around my mother’s face were deeper too, and there were deep purple stains below her eyes. Tears prickled mine again, but I blinked them away. Now wasn’t the time.
“Merry Christmas,” I said, doing my best to give her my widest smile and making it seem genuine. “Do you want to go have some lunch with me in the dining room?”
“No, they’re bringing my lunch here. Let me just tell them you’ve come to visit. What a lovely surprise.” Her voice was bright and happy, but I could already see in her eyes that I was losing her. God, that was fast.
I’d only been here for a minute, two at most, and she was already slipping away from me. When she picked up the phone she’d intended on using to order my lunch, she paused and frowned at it. Then she shook her head and set the receiver back down.
She lifted her head again, a curious smile appearing on her thin lips. “Well, aren’t you a beautiful girl. Who are you? Have you seen my Heidi? I need to ask her something.”
A sob caught in my throat. It was so damn difficult to see my mother like this. That was the reason I didn’t come here so often anymore. I just couldn’t handle it.
; “I’m am Heidi, Mom.” I pointed at my chest and took a few steps closer to her. “It’s me. I’m Heidi.”
Her eyes popped wide open and filled with horror as I came closer. She threw up her hands and started screaming. “No! No, don’t hurt me. I don’t know who you are, but you’re not my Heidi. You’re here to hurt me. I know you are.”
A nurse came rushing in, soothing my mother and talking to her in low tones as she put her hands up and slowly walked over to her. My mother’s screams eventually subsided, but once she had become combative with me, she wouldn’t want to talk to me for hours after.
I watched with tears streaming down my cheeks as the nurse, who had been a perfect stranger to us when Mom had been admitted here and I’d been near the centre of her world, managed to calm her down and eventually even hug her.
Another nurse wearing pink scrubs came to stand beside me, lifting her hand to squeeze my shoulder. “You okay?”
I shook my head. “Not really. Is there anything I can do to help her?”
A small, sympathetic smile touched her lips. “I’m afraid not. You don’t have to stay. Emma will wait until she’s calm enough and then help her into bed. Some rest will do her good.”
“Okay. I’ll see you soon.” Wiping under my eyes, I felt a fresh wave of warm tears cover my fingers and then decided it wasn’t even worth trying to stem the flow.
My mother was my only real family. It was Christmas Day and I couldn’t even spend time with her. Who wouldn’t cry about that?
Chapter 23
Archer
Boxing day in the Lee household was always a restful day filled with doing a whole lot of nothing. It was amazing.
Mum and I lay on loungers around the pool that morning, sipping cocktails, while Millie alternated between swimming and playing with all her new toys. The water was warm and inviting, a sparkling blue that made it almost impossible not to take a dip every once in a while.
As Millie jumped back into the pool, her head disappearing beneath the water for a few seconds before she burst out of it again, I stood up. “I think I’m going to join her. That looks like too much fun to keep missing out on.”
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