A Heart Not Easily Broken

by M.J. Kane

  ****

  I awoke with a start. My heart raced, my head and body ached. It took a moment for the nightmare to dissipate and realize I was alone in my bed. But the moment I closed my eyes, images of my dream bombarded me, sending me back to that hallway.

  And then I heard it, the ringing of my cell phone. I reached for it and saw Brian’s cheerful smile on the screen. My finger grazed the talk button. My need to hear his voice overwhelmed me, but if I answered now, I would spill everything and our relationship would be over.

  I closed my eyes and prayed for strength as the phone continued to ring. When it stopped, I waited until it notified me of a voice mail. I held the phone and listened to his message.

  “Hey, baby, it’s me. Tonight was awesome! I wish you could have been here. I have so much to tell you, and you won’t believe everyone I’ve met. I can’t wait to talk to you. I didn’t mean to try and wake you because I know you’ve got a busy day ahead. Did you get your badge? I called Javan, but he didn’t answer. Don’t worry; I know you’ll do well in class. Just hang in there, okay? I’ll send the money in the morning. Until then, I plan on dreaming about you. Good night, Ebony. I love you. ”

  Tears flooded from my eyes and the lump in my throat made it hard to swallow. I wished more than anything in this world I could have been with him tonight.

  I wished I’d paid for another ID.

  I wished I’d just bought the damn book in the first place.

  I wished he would have had a roll of condoms and not emptied my bag on the floor.

  Oh. My. God. I sat up so fast my head began to swim.

  Condoms.

  Javan hadn’t used any. He’d been reckless and didn’t pull out and…

  I leaned over the edge of my bed and searched frantically for the trashcan. To my surprise there was still something left to vomit.

  Gonorrhea. Hepatitis, Herpes, Chlamydia, AIDS.

  The chances of me conceiving had just doubled.

  As soon as my stomach settled, I went online and researched my options. My search lead to an over the counter morning-after pill to decrease the chances of pregnancy. The thought of taking the pill was unnerving. It would be equivalent of having an abortion.

  I couldn’t live with the possibility of having Javan’s child.

  But what if I already carried Brian’s?

  My head spun. I needed to make a decision now. I had forty-eight hours from the time of unprotected sex to take the pill in order for it to be effective.

  Brian and I had been together less than forty-eight hours ago. It had been nearly two hours since the rape.

  If I were pregnant, a paternity test during the pregnancy would determine if Brian was the father. In order to have his consent, he would have to know about the rape. That could not happen.

  Taking the pill meant not only killing the sperm Javan left behind; it meant killing the possible life Brian and I created. Either way I’d be killing a part of me.

  If I avoided testing and kept the truth to myself, Brian would go for months being happy, thinking the baby was his and planning to be the father I knew he could be…until the baby was born. A child born looking like Javan without any hints of being the light skinned, blue-eyed bi-racial beauty I saw in my dream would let my secret out. No matter what I said, Brian would believe I cheated on him. It would be too late to tell the truth.

  There was only one decision I could live with, without disrupting the lives around me.