by Amy Clipston
“Oh, that’s not necessary, but danki.” She took a step toward the barn, hoping to avoid being cooped up in a buggy with him. “Our driver is expecting my call.”
“Lorene, let me give you a ride.” Ryan pressed his lips together as annoyance seemed to flicker across his face. “We’re adults, right? Can’t we at least pretend to get along for our siblings’ sake?”
She studied him, then suddenly felt like a dummkopp. He was right; they were adults and should behave like it. “Fine. Let me just get my things and tell Emma Grace and your mamm I’m leaving.”
His expression relaxed. “I’ll hitch up the horse.”
Lorene stepped back into the kitchen, where Verna was pulling chicken from the fridge, a box of pasta on the counter. Emma Grace was filling a large pot with water.
“I’m going to head out. Danki for a nice day, Verna. I enjoyed being together.”
“Gern gschehne,” Verna said over her shoulder.
“Tell Dat I won’t be home too late,” Emma Grace said. “Is Todd on his way to get you?”
“No. Ryan is here, and he offered to give me a ride.”
Verna turned off the faucet and spun toward her. “He is?” Her expression seemed to fill with hope, and Lorene took a deep breath. Verna would be sadly disappointed if she longed for Lorene and Ryan to reunite.
“Ya. I’ll see you soon.” Lorene retrieved her purse and tote bag before heading out to the mudroom, where she pulled on her shawl.
Outside, she slowed at the sight of Ryan leaning against his father’s buggy, talking and laughing with his father and brother. She drank in his gorgeous blue eyes, broad shoulders, and wide chest—and goose bumps raced down her arms.
Stop it!
She pushed herself down the porch steps and adjusted her purse and tote bag strap on her shoulder as she joined them.
Ryan turned toward her and raised his golden-brown eyebrows. “Ready?”
No!
“Ya.” After saying good-bye to Rufus and Jon, she climbed into his buggy and felt as if she were stepping back in time.
* * *
Ryan slipped into the driver’s seat. Then out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lorene sitting ramrod straight, staring out the window, gripping her purse and tote bag on her lap.
The sight disappointed him. She acted as if he were a stranger, as though they hadn’t known each other nearly their whole lives and been engaged.
“So,” he began, grasping for a point of discussion, “you made progress on Emma Grace’s wedding dress?”
She nodded, keeping her eyes focused out the window. “I started on mine too.”
“Danki for including mei mamm in the plans. I know she appreciates being involved.”
“Well, we’re froh to spend time with her.” She licked her lips while still looking away from him, and a silence fell over them.
What on earth could he say to ease the awkwardness?
Ryan halted the horse at a stop sign, and Lorene suddenly turned to face him, her expression serious. He braced himself as she leaned closer.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
He nodded and rubbed his chin. “Ya, of course.”
“Do you think Emma Grace and Jon are rushing things? I mean, they’ve been dating barely more than six months. Shouldn’t they wait a little longer before they get married?”
He pursed his lips, and a familiar frustration poured through him. “I think if they’ve prayed about it and believe marrying now is God’s plan, then they’re doing what’s right.”
She shook her head, her expression grim. “But they don’t even have their own haus. They’re moving in with mei dat and me, and that doesn’t seem like—”
He felt a similarly familiar temper begin to flare as he guided the horse through the intersection. “They love each other, Lorene. Isn’t that all that matters? Haus or no haus.” He gave her a sideways glance. “I’ve built myself a haus in Gap, and it’s just brick and wood.”
She blanched as if he hit her, and guilt shook him.
An awkward silence fell over them again, and he sighed. “I’m sorry.”
She snorted. “It’s a little late for that.”
“What does that mean?” He halted the horse at a red light, then turned toward her and pointed to his chest. “In case you’ve forgotten, you’re the one who broke up with me.”
“You pushed me to it.” Her voice was tinged with pain.
He studied her dark eyes and found them glistening. “How do you figure that?”
She gave a sarcastic laugh. “You made every excuse not to build our haus so we could set a wedding date.” She counted them off on her fingers. “Let’s see. Not enough money, you had to help your dat teach Jon more about how to run the farm, and then you decided you needed plans but never got them.” She gave a sardonic smile, and her words dripped with acrimony. “Last, you just didn’t think it was the right time.”
Her face darkened. “But you know all that.” She sniffed, and her voice thickened. “And then I realized the truth. You didn’t love me enough to build a haus and start a life with me. Too bad I didn’t realize that sooner. Sometimes I think I wasted those years with you.” Her voice broke.
Ryan pressed his lips together. Her words were like a hammer to his heart. “I’m sorry, Lorene. I—”
“No, you aren’t.” She spat the words at him, wiping at her eyes. “You moved away and started a new life. And you even built yourself a haus.” She faced the windshield once again. “You moved on—while I took care of mei dat and schweschder and watched mei freinden get married and start families.”
He blinked as the answer to his burning question came into clear focus. “So you’re not dating anyone.”
Her lips twisted as she kept her gaze focused straight ahead.
“Lorene, why aren’t you dating?”
She looked at him. “I have dated a few men, but I’m not dating anyone now.” She hesitated. “Are you dating?”
He shook his head. “Not for a while.”
Her eyes seemed to widen with surprise, and then she turned away.
They both fell silent again as only the rumble of passing traffic filled the buggy.
When the horse moved up her driveway, Ryan longed to smooth over what had just passed between them, but he drew a blank. He wanted to tell her the truth, but it was too late. She’d only be angry that he’d spent so much time being dishonest with her.
He halted the horse by her back porch, and she spun toward him, her expression seeming resigned. “Look. I told Emma Grace I’d be fine with this. Why don’t we just agree to get along for their sake?”
“Sure.” He nodded. “That’s what I want too.”
“Gut.” She pushed open the door. “Gut nacht. Danki for the ride.”
Before Ryan could respond, she was gone, and he wanted to bang his head against the door as she disappeared into the house.
* * *
Emma Grace had convinced Dat to spend Thanksgiving Day with the Lapp family, and now Lorene gripped the cake saver in the front passenger seat of her father’s buggy.
She’d been dreading this day and had considered feigning a bad headache so she could stay home. But she couldn’t bring herself to disappoint her family.
As the Lapp farm came into view, Lorene bit her lower lip and tried to imagine what she would say to Ryan when she saw him. Embarrassment gripped her when she recalled how she’d vented her feelings to him in his father’s buggy almost three weeks ago. Why had she allowed herself to explode like that?
At least when she and Emma Grace had been sewing the wedding dresses and creating table decorations at the Lapp home on several more occasions, Ryan hadn’t been there. What a relief. She’d enjoyed spending time with Verna, but each time she arrived, she worried that her oldest son would pop in for another impromptu visit.
Today would be different, though. She was certain Ryan would join his family for Thanksgiving dinner, and she dreaded seeing him. She
owed him an apology. Although she’d resented his twisting her comment about Jon and Emma Grace not having their own house, he’d been tolerant and kind while she berated him, and guilt had been her companion each time she recalled their emotional discussion.
Dat halted the horse at the top of the driveway, where Ryan stood with Jon, Rufus, and Elias. She also recognized his uncle Jay. And the boy at his side had to be his cousin Pete.
Shoving away her worry and shame, Lorene climbed out of the buggy and greeted them all with a smile.
“Happy Thanksgiving,” Lorene said to Jay. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.”
She shook Jay’s hand, then turned to Pete, who’d been so short and rotund when she’d last seen him. Now a teenager, he was tall and slim like his father, and he also shared Jay’s coloring. “You were only about ten the last time we spoke. You’re all grown up now.”
Pete looked embarrassed as he shook her hand. “It’s nice to see you too.”
Lorene turned toward Ryan, and she gave him a hesitant smile. “Hi.”
“Hello.” He nodded toward the cake saver. “Tell me that’s a lemon kuche.”
She held it up. “It is.”
“Gut.” He rubbed his hands together.
Some of the tension released in her shoulders, but she still felt the need to apologize to him. This wasn’t the time or place, though. Perhaps they would get a minute alone later.
Emma Grace also greeted everyone as she balanced her portable containers of mashed potatoes and green bean casserole, then nodded toward the house. “We should get the food inside. Plus, it’s cold out here.” She shivered.
Lorene followed her younger sister into the house and was met with the wonderful aroma of turkey and freshly baked bread, along with several loud, happy voices. She said hello to Verna and Joyce in the kitchen and then peeked into the family room, where Maranda and Barbiann played with blocks.
When Lorene turned around, she greeted Ryan’s aunt Ann and cousin Lily. Ann looked just as she remembered her—golden-blond hair and green eyes. Lily, now twelve, shared facial features with her pretty mother, but she had her father’s light-brown hair and hazel eyes.
“It’s so nice to see you again,” Ann told her. “Are you excited about the wedding?”
“Ya, I am.”
“I can’t believe it’s less than a month away,” Emma Grace said as she adjusted her two containers now on the long table already bursting with food. “Christmas is almost here.”
“What can I do to help with the meal, Verna?” Lorene asked.
“We’ll get the rest of the food out, and then we’ll call the men in to join us.”
Soon the food was served, and the men took turns washing their hands at the kitchen sink. Lorene sat between Joyce and Emma Grace, grateful to avoid sitting beside Ryan. But her heart thumped when he sank into a chair across from her, meeting her gaze with a warm smile.
After prayers, conversations broke out around the table. But Lorene kept her attention on her plate. Then she glanced up to find Ryan’s bright, intelligent eyes focused on her. She gave him a half smile, and he replied with the same.
She suddenly hated the great chasm that had expanded between them. She wanted a relationship with him. A friendship would be a start, but she craved more. Maybe Renae was right. Maybe enough had changed in the past few years for them to find a way to work out their problems. But even if that were possible, would he consider giving her another chance? Her body thrummed with excitement at the mere thought of being blessed to call him her boyfriend again. But would he ever love her again, enough to make a true commitment to a future with her?
Soon everyone was sharing what they were thankful for, each person mentioning their many blessings, including their families and their homes.
After the meal, the women began cleaning the kitchen while the men took their usual spot out on the porch despite the cold. Conversations about the wedding continued around the kitchen, and Lorene was sure to nod and agree when appropriate even though her thoughts were stuck on Ryan and how her heart longed for him.
After she finished drying the dishes, she stepped into the large family room and glanced around at the familiar furniture—a long brown sofa, its matching love seat, two recliners, two coffee tables, two end tables, and two propane lamps. Her mind spun with memories of all the times she and Ryan had spent together there, visiting with his parents, talking, and laughing. She hugged her arms to her chest as her heart began to hurt.
She missed talking to Ryan, holding his hand, sharing her hopes and dreams, and kissing him. If only she could turn back time. Maybe if she had been willing to talk to him rather than wallowing in her hurt and resentment, they could have worked things out. Her throat felt thick, and her eyes stung with unshed tears.
She turned, then gasped when she found Ryan leaning on the doorframe to the kitchen. His expression was intense, making her nerves hum, but she felt an invisible force pulling them together. Did he feel it too?
This was her chance to make things right. She mustered all the confidence she could find, then took a ragged breath.
“I’m sorry.” Her shaky voice betrayed her surging confidence. “I was awful to you the afternoon you took me home, and you didn’t deserve it. I hope you can forgive me.”
He stood up straight, and then his expression filled with contrition. “I’m sorry as well. I never meant to upset you.”
“I need to explain something.” She paused, but it was time to be honest. “I didn’t break our engagement because of the haus. I broke it because when you kept making excuses not to build it, I didn’t think you really wanted to marry me. I didn’t think you really loved me.”
He blinked, and shock seemed to flicker across his face.
“I had to explain that. I’m not so shallow and self-centered that I care only about material things. I hope you know that’s not who I am.”
He nodded, then swallowed. “I understand. But it wasn’t about you, Lorene. I wasn’t being honest with you. I didn’t want to keep being a dairy farmer, let alone take over the farm from Dat as the oldest sohn. I’d struggled with that for years. But I didn’t know how to tell my family without disappointing them. I was even afraid to tell you. Then when I asked you to marry me, everyone just expected me to build the haus and keep working on the farm. At first I thought I could do it, but I was emotionally lost. Yet I should have told you rather than dragging my feet.”
He paused. “When you wouldn’t talk to me, I finally told Dat the truth. Not only did I want to move to Gap to get away, but I wanted the job with mei onkel because I needed another line of work. Dat supported me, and I was so relieved. I wanted to tell you, too, but . . .”
Lorene’s eyes filled with tears. “I wouldn’t talk to you. I’m sorry. But I understand.”
He blew out a puff of air. “Danki. I can’t fix the past, but I hope we can be freinden.” Then he shrugged. “We have to try for our families’ sake.”
“Right.” She nodded, disappointed. She’d hoped he’d want more than friendship from her, but she’d take friendship if that was all he offered. Even if he had loved her enough to marry her, he didn’t now. Nothing had changed.
“Gut.” He held out his hand, and when she shook it, she enjoyed the feeling of his warm skin against hers.
Then she pulled her hand away and pointed toward the kitchen behind him. “I need to get back in there. Excuse me.”
He stepped aside, and she hurried off.
* * *
Later that evening, Ryan sat on the porch between his father and uncle and breathed in the cold air. He jammed his hands into the pockets of his coat and enjoyed the aroma of a nearby wood-burning fireplace. In the distance, traffic hummed on Old Philadelphia Pike and a dog barked. Two lone lanterns illuminated the porch as stars winked in the dark sky above.
Joyce and her family had walked the pasture to their house, and Lorene and her family had gone home too. Ryan moved the rocker back and forth
as he tried to evict thoughts of Lorene from his mind.
But he couldn’t seem to stop contemplating how pretty she was when she apologized to him.
“So, Ry,” Jay suddenly said, “what’s going on between you and Lorene?”
“Nothing.” Ryan shrugged. “We’re just trying to be civil to each other for the sake of our families. Maybe become freinden.”
“Seems like a lot more than that.”
“I agree,” Dat chimed in. “You seem to be in tune with each other when you’re together.”
“Do you think you might try again?” Jay said. “You’re both young, and you could still get married and have a family.”
“No.” Ryan shook his head, but deep in his bones he knew he wanted just that. “It’s too late for us.”
Jay leaned over and tapped the arm of Ryan’s rocker. “But you’re wrong. God’s timing is never too late.”
And more than ever, Ryan wanted his uncle to be right. But when he suggested he and Lorene be friends, he’d didn’t think he’d seen a desire in her eyes for anything more.
8
Ryan climbed the back steps of his parents’ house Sunday afternoon two weeks later. He meant it when he told Mamm he would try to visit more often. He should have called to make sure they’d be home, but he’d decided to take a chance. They’d return sooner or later.
When he opened the back door, he was surprised to hear Menno’s voice in the kitchen, and his heartbeat sped up. If Menno was here, Lorene would most likely be here, and she’d filled his thoughts ever since Thanksgiving.
He couldn’t stop thinking about what his uncle said about God’s timing. But as much as he hoped Jay was right, he’d decided it would indeed be best if he was only Lorene’s friend. Sticking with a friendship with her would prevent more heartbreak. After all, how could she still have feelings for him after all these years? But he still wanted her in his life, and her friendship would be a tremendous blessing to him.
He found his parents and Jon sitting at the kitchen table with Lorene, Emma Grace, and Menno. They were all drinking coffee, and the room smelled of cinnamon, ginger, and freshly baked cookies.