by Drew Sera
“Calm down, sunshine. We won’t talk about this until you’re ready, sweetheart.”
“Promise?”
“Oh, I promise, sunshine.”
After forty-five minutes, she was at her capacity today for talking and thankfully Chris recognized it. I knew Sydney couldn’t give more than she had given already today but Chris asked Anthony and I if either of us wanted to talk for a bit. Anthony of course shook his head, but I told Chris that I needed to. Anthony put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze before going into the kitchen with Sydney. I knew it was his way of quietly showing his support. Chris waited until he knew Sydney and Anthony were out of earshot before continuing.
“I worry that I’m not doing the right things around Sydney, or Anthony, for that matter. I’m just kind of feeling my way around a dark room and hope that what I do has a positive impact.”
“Colin, there isn’t a right or wrong way to advise you on that. You and Anthony have spent a great deal of time with her and you helped her come out of her shell with the mess Howard left.”
Sydney lived through seven years of Howard’s shit. While that was definitely longer, I think that her time with Paul might have been more damaging. Paul knew her weaknesses and triggers and used most of them against her. Chris and I spoke about that at some length as well. It sounded like he agreed with me that her time with Paul might prove to be more damaging.
“Colin, when Sydney first came to you, she had no basis to trust you. She was scared but still took a chance and let you help her. At least now, you aren’t having to break down a barrier to get her trust you or confide in you. She will begin to come around as she starts to feel safe again. She’s getting into bed with you at night without issue, right?”
“Right. She doesn’t seem to be scared of me or afraid to close her eyes. I think she’s feeling comfortable enough to allow her body to rest at night. That or exhaustion just takes over.”
“How was she with Anthony last night? It was your first night together.”
“She was fine. It also almost like we were picking up where we left off in the sense of our sleeping patterns. She always falls asleep with her head on his chest and his arm wrapped around her and I snuggled up behind her and held her. We did that last night but on opposite sides because of his gunshot wound.”
The uncertainty of what happened with the other girl has crossed my mind.
“I’m really worried that Paul killed the other girl in front of Sydney,” I said while glancing towards the kitchen. I didn’t see Sydney or Anthony and figured they probably went outside to the patio.
“I understand your concern and we will tackle it slowly. Judging by the way Sydney reacted when I brought the other girl up and the fact that you guys found her lying in the other girl’s blood, I think it’s safe to assume some disturbing events occurred.”
Chris asked me if I had ever talked with Anthony about that weekend he was away. I shook my head and explained that it is another thing that’s on my mind that I haven’t been able to talk to him about.
“It’s been on your mind for a while, Colin. I know you and him struggled while Sydney was gone. There are still many things going on, but now you don’t have to worry about Sydney coming back or being hurt. She’s safe and under your roof. So, there should be time for you to talk with him.”
“Do you think I should just wait and let him come to me? He won’t come to me, Chris. Not about this.”
Chris frowned at me and then asked if I knew what had happened that weekend.
“Not exactly, but I think I have an idea.”
“Colin, you and Anthony are very close. I remember how much you two calmed each other during the agonizing time that Sydney was gone. He knows you have his back and his best interest at heart.”
I nodded and knew I needed to either find the right time to bring this up or just sit back and let him come to me. The latter didn’t seem like it would happen any time before hell freezes over.
I walked Chris out and went in search of the two people that made my heart beat. The patio door was open and I headed outside. She was sitting between his bent legs and her arms were wrapped around his legs. The side of his head was resting on her back and his arms wrapped around her waist. I sat in front of her and kissed her forehead. She unraveled one of her arms from Anthony’s legs and reached for me. I let her pull me closer and she leaned her head against my chest. Anthony had let one of his legs drop off the patio lounger to make room for me so I could be close to her too. I reached my arm around Sydney and let it rest on Anthony’s back. I felt him exhale and a few moments later I felt his hand gripping my shirt on my side. The three of us sat there quietly, finding comfort in one another.
Chapter 18
Monday, February 3rd
Anthony
Sydney and I went outside while Colin talked to Chris. I shut the patio door quietly and faced Sydney. She still wore a stressed expression, and when she made eye contact with me, I could see an ocean of tears forming.
“Sunshine,” I said quietly and caught the tears with my thumb as they spilled down her cheek.
I pulled her close, and held her head against my chest while she wrapped her arms around my waist. Gently, I rubbed on her back and told her that I loved her.
“Want to go for a little walk, Sydney?”
Sydney nodded and took hold of my hand. As we began walking on the path, I felt that I needed to be closer to her. I let go of her hand and wrapped my arm around her back. Our sides were touching, which I felt was a good thing for her. She needed to feel safe and have some physical contact. She was quiet, and I wanted to try to get her talking with me. I was different than Chris.
“Sydney, what are you thinking about?”
“I don’t know…stuff.”
“What kind of stuff, sunshine?” We walked a few more feet in silence before I gently nudged her again. “Hmm? The other woman?”
“No,” Sydney said and exhaled a heavy sigh. “I was just thinking of Paul. I hated every second that I was with him. I was so scared of what he was going to do. I just never knew when he’d come into the room or what his plans would be. And I thought he had you, too. He told me he had you, and I was trying to be good so he wouldn’t hurt you. I…was just so scared as to what he’d do next.”
I swallowed hard and then carefully took a deep breath. I knew how she felt regarding the fear of the unknown. Colin and I sat on pins and needles, waiting for his phone to go off and being afraid to look at it when it did. Talk to her! I pushed myself to talk to her so she wouldn’t feel like she was the only one who felt that.
“I was scared, too, Sydney. Paul would send Colin texts. They were either terrible strings of words or pictures and some videos. I never knew what was coming next. When I’d see the texts, I felt…like I wasn’t even breathing or alive anymore. The grip that those texts had on me, made me feel as though a hand was crushing my windpipe. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t clear my head. I felt numb, yet when I finally could swallow or take a breath, the pain was unlike anything I’ve experienced.”
I paused to get my shaking voice under control.
“I’m so sorry Paul put you guys through that.”
“It was nothing compared to what you went through.”
“You’ve lived through some crap too.”
I shook my head.
“Yes, it was gut wrenching to get pictures and videos of you like that, but I knew that as long as we were seeing you, there was still hope. I’d look at every picture, over and over again. Memorizing where your new wounds were and comparing them to the prior pictures. I studied your eyes in each one. Your dark blues told me so much.” I could tell my voice was breaking and I didn’t want to break in front of her, but my mouth just wouldn’t stop. “The picture that scared me the most, Sydney, was the one where I no longer saw the light in your eyes. They were cold…tired…I couldn’t see your beautiful soul in them. They were dark.” I sniffled and came to a stop when Sydney did.
I focused on some tall pine trees over her head on the golf course while I willed myself to calm down. I couldn’t take a deep breath without it being obvious that I was upset. I kept my mouth tightly shut. As long as I didn’t look at her right now, I could get my fucking emotions in check. I wasn’t going to break in front of her. She didn’t need to see me like this. I couldn’t move though.
I was regaining control slowly, until she put her hand on my side and let her other hand rest on my chest. Fuck. I forced myself to make that painful swallow and hope it helped. It didn’t, and I had to release my jaw to get air into my lungs.
“Anthony,”
If she had said ‘Sir’, I might have been okay, but she said my name. She said it in tone that wasn’t sympathetic, but understanding and comforting. And right now, I was at a total loss. Before I knew it, she reached up and pulled my sunglasses off just as tears fell from my eyes. Fuck! Her soft fingertips collected my tears and despite feeling stiff and unable to move, she tugged on my shirt to lean over. Sydney wrapped her arms around me and kissed my cheek. I could feel her breath on my ear as she said, “There wasn’t a day that I didn’t think about you and Colin. I just hoped that you knew how much I loved you.”
With her body crushed against mine, I took another painful swallow and nodded.
“I knew it, sunshine. There’s never been a doubt in my heart that you’ve loved me.”
I squeezed her tight in my arms and started to feel the ache in my chest and throat subside. I planted a soft kiss on her lips and risked pulling apart to look in her eyes without my sunglasses hiding my emotions. Her sweet smile made my eyes water again.
“I don’t know what I would have done if we lost you, Sydney.”
She hugged me again and I inhaled her sweet, vanilla scented lotion. As we walked back toward the patio, I worked on pulling a smile out of her.
“Now, if you tell Colin I cried on the golf course, I’m going to make you watch me eat every single green M&M in the house.”
A playful gasp came from her lips but then she traced a letter X over her heart. “I promise I won’t say anything.”
I sat down on one of the patio loungers and made room for her between my legs. I just wanted to hold her for a while. I needed to. Colin came out not too much later and sat beside us until dinner.
During dinner, Sydney asked a simple question that didn’t have a simple answer. She was stirring her soup when she asked it, sending my mind and heart racing.
“Why do you and Blake have to go to the police department tomorrow?”
I looked at Colin as I carefully set my spoon down. Colin wiped his mouth and took a sip from his glass. I needed to come clean to Sydney about what I did, but I’ll admit, I was scared.
“Blake and I were in the woods that night with Paul.”
I put that out there as a feeler to see what else she might ask. She continued eating her soup and dropped those little saltine crackers in the bowl.
“Is that where they arrested him?”
I put my hands on my thighs and gripped my jeans as tight as I could. This was my chance to talk to her about what happened. I was terrified that she’d be afraid of me after hearing it. I felt sick inside. What if I lost her?
“Anth,” Colin said my name.
I looked up at him and his expression was clear to me. He supported me and was encouraging me forward. Sydney was looking at me and her easy expression turned to worried one.
“What’s wrong, Sir?” I swallowed hard and couldn’t find my voice. Sydney put her hand on my forearm and gently shook me. “Anthony?”
“Paul wasn’t arrested, Sydney,” I said quietly.
Epic panic erupted from Sydney. Her head moved from side to side as she looked from Colin to me.
“What? He’s still out there somewhere?”
Sydney jumped up from the table and raced to the alarm keypad by the patio door and frantically pushed buttons, checking the zones to make sure everything was armed and that all the doors and windows were showing as locked.
Colin and I both stood and walked toward her.
“What if he comes back for us?”
“Baby, you’re safe with Anthony and I.”
“We should walk around the house and make sure the doors and windows are all locked. Just in case there’s a glitch,” Sydney exclaimed.
“No, baby. You’re safe. There isn’t a glitch in the alarm system.”
“There could be, Colin! Why…why aren’t you guys worried? Paul is dangerous! He…I don’t want to go back there!” She screamed and choked on her tears.
I wrapped her in my arms and held her tight. Fuck!
“He’s never going to touch you again, Sydney. I promise, sweetheart,” I shook as I promised her.
“How do you know? If he wasn’t arrested, he’s just running around out there! He could be planning to get one of you! Please help me check the doors and windows!” Sydney cried and begged while she tried pulling out of my arms.
“Stop, Sydney…he’s never coming back. I made sure that he…” why was this so hard? “I made sure that Paul would never hurt you or Colin again.”
Sydney’s arms that were wrapped around my waist squeezed me tighter before I felt her hands find their way under my shirt and rest gently against my lower back. It was dawning on her the meaning behind my words. Her eyes roamed around my face.
“You…”
I nodded slowly. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, hoping she wouldn’t run from me.
“Yes, sunshine. I made sure that he could never get near you or Colin again. You’re safe.”
“You…you…killed him?”
“Yes. He took you from us. He hurt you…scared you,” I said quietly.
My voice was cracking so I quickly shut my mouth. Colin came closer and wrapped his arm around Sydney’s shoulders and put his hand on my shoulder.
“Paul had a gun pointed at Anthony. He had shot Anthony once already. When the detective shot Paul, he dropped the gun and scrambled for it with Anthony.”
“He wasn’t going to take me from you. And I wasn’t going to give him another chance at you or Colin.”
I tried so hard not to let any tears spill over. It was so hard, but I managed. I couldn’t dare look at Colin.
“Anthony, oh my God.”
Sydney cried against my chest while I clung to her. I didn’t know what to say and was at a total loss of words. Colin stepped in and spoke.
“Shh, Sydney. Try to relax, baby. You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“Are they going to arrest you?”
My voice was gone and I was actually worried about that as a possibility.
“No, Sydney,” Colin said. “It was self-defense.”
I wanted to ask her to say something or tell me what she was thinking about, but I didn’t think I had any right to ask her much of anything right now. Not after I threw all of that down.
“I love you so much, Anthony.”
“I love you too, sunshine.”
I was shaking and couldn’t let go of her. Colin caught my attention and he nodded at me. I felt as though he was telling me that he was proud of me or thought that we handled it the right way. I nodded back and shut my eyes while I held onto Sydney. Moments later, I felt Colin wrap his arms around Sydney and me. Fuck, it felt nice.
“Since it was self-defense, why do you have to go to the station?”
“It’s formality, Sydney. The detectives told him he’d have to come to the station once he was out of the hospital to make his statement. It’ll be okay, Sydney,” Colin confidently said.
Dinner for us was over and Colin walked with us to the great room. Sydney and I cuddled up on the couch while Colin cleaned up the kitchen. I was eager to get into bed. I felt funny and worried about what Sydney thought of me.
Soon I was in bed with Sydney cuddled up to my side. Her touch felt as good as it always had. And maybe it was me, but I felt like she held me a little tighter tonight.
Tuesday, February 4th
Sydney
My mind raced while Anthony sat with me after dinner. I wasn’t sure what I was feeling. Was it wrong for me not to feel bad that Paul was dead? I hated Paul and what he did to everyone.
But I was worried for Anthony.
What if they’re just telling him it’s a formality and they end up arresting him? I don’t want to lose him or see him go to jail. Is he scared about going to the police station? Colin seemed confident that everything would be okay, but I’m not so sure about Anthony.
I snuggled my head on his chest and found the hem of his t-shirt. I pushed my hand under the shirt and let it rest against the center of his chest. I shut my eyes and listened to the strong beat of his heart in my ear.
I feel terrible for Anthony and Colin. Paul put them through hell by sending them the pictures. I wanted to cry when Anthony told me how he’d look at the pictures to see what new wounds I had. It tore me up hearing him describe how he’d look for my ‘beautiful soul’ in my eyes. I can picture him looking at the texts, but keeping it to himself.
I lifted my head from his chest and looked in his eyes. There is so much going on in them. He looks like he has a million things to say, or on his mind, but I know he’ll keep it to himself. Seeing tears fall from his eyes this afternoon really gave me a lot to think about. I wonder how much Colin had been able to pull from him while I was gone.
The way he was looking at me, made me feel like he knew everything that I worry about. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for everything that has happened. As I was trying to figure out how to say it, he leaned over and kissed my forehead. I started to relax when he did that. There’s something so calming to me when they kiss my forehead.