by Drew Sera
“Is Anthony getting sick?”
“I don’t know, baby. I hope not. He’s been taking his medicine. Trust me, I’ve been on him about it.”
“He was shaking last night.”
I looked up at her and frowned and I asked her to explain. Maybe she meant right after the sex. I knew they were both shaking.
“I woke up because I kept feeling his stomach twitch. I didn’t want to wake him up because he was finally asleep. I rubbed my hand over his stomach hoping it would help.”
Fuck. Anthony is really suffering at night. A time where he should be able to shut it off and recharge, is filled with agony. Sydney catches it and tries to help him while I just make things worse. A few more minutes went by before the next question.
“Are you mad at me?”
I set my fork down and pulled her to my lap. I held her chin to look in her eyes.
“No, baby. I’m not angry with you and before you ask, Anthony is not angry with you either.”
She leaned her head against my shoulder and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.
“What’s wrong then, Colin? I told you in the beginning that I didn’t want to come between the friendship you and Anthony have. You guys are the best of friends and when I saw you two this morning in the kitchen, it was like you were strangers who hated each other.”
“I know, baby. Look, Anthony has a lot stored up and it’s taking a toll on him. I pushed him this morning because I was angry about not sleeping well and a stupid joking comment he made. I shouldn’t have pushed at him because I don’t think he’s on two feet yet after last night. I was concerned about him last night. He went into top space and I don’t think he’s on solid ground yet.”
And I’m clearly not on solid ground either.
Shit…as I said it out loud, it drove the knife into my stomach a little deeper. Anthony needs her to heal. Not me. I’m not making anything better for him, but am bitching about a stupid comment he made.
“What made you so mad?”
I explained the stupid parent comment joke and then explained to her exactly why I was bent out of shape over it. Sydney knows his mom and stepdad were assholes, but thankfully she didn’t see the medical or police files of the details. She has had several conversations with him about stuff they both share in their pasts. I’ve walked in on their conversations. They never hide them from me, but it’s just something else that the two of them will always connect with.
“Anthony and I will work it out, baby. Imagine how you would feel if you hadn’t talked about anything from your ordeal with Paul.” I gave her a moment and then continued. “Imagine something like that all kept to yourself. That would be incredibly hard and you’d feel like you were suffocating. That’s what is going on with Anthony now. Now in your case, he and I got you talking pretty quickly and spending time with Chris. I haven’t pushed Anthony too hard and I needed to be doing so, but this morning was not the right time to do it. I made a bad choice and when he comes back, I will make it right with him.”
“What if he doesn’t come back?”
I don’t know how she could even think that, let alone voice it.
“Baby, that’s not going to happen. You’re here. He will always come home as long as you’re here.”
She smiled and we cleaned up the kitchen and went to watch a movie, but my mind was occupied. I really fucked up this morning. I kept my eye on the clock. Even though Anthony was in good shape before the lung injury, the injury had depleted a lot of his stamina. I knew he wasn’t running this whole time. As two hours turned into three, guilt began tearing away at me and worry was setting in. He shouldn’t be jogging much at all. Plus, I know his chest was bothering him with that deep cough, but he can’t just admit to being human for a fucking second. Can’t he just say, ‘hey I feel like shit and could use a hand’.
No, he can’t say that. Asking for help was not programmed into his head. He saw no display of affection while growing up. Either directly or indirectly. When he was hurt or sick he was shoved to the side or he hid. Probably afraid of the consequences. Maybe he’s afraid of that now.
Suddenly I felt weak and thought all the blood had drained from my head when I thought back to the time I threw words into the air that I didn’t mean. It was about me not wanting Anthony to see Paul’s sick texts and pictures. It eventually pushed Anthony away that night and into a horrible situation that is still haunting him. And I did exactly the same thing this morning to him. And just like before, he wasn’t on solid footing.
Sydney was talking on the phone with Chris and I could hear certain words and closed my eyes. Chris had pulled out of her the tension in the air between Anthony and I today. Wonderful. I’m sure Chris will enjoy that and I’ll receive a “are you fucking crazy” phone call from him. I will have deserved it.
I sat down in the kitchen and pulled my phone out. I needed a shoulder and ear.
CE: Hey Matt. Busy?
MR: Never too busy. What’s up?
I walked out to the front of the house and paced along the driveway while I dialed Matt. He picked up on the first ring.
“Hey, Col. How are you?”
“I fucked up, Matt.”
I explained what happened last night and this morning. I knew Matt would listen and try to look at it objectively. Thankfully, he knew Anthony very well also.
“I’m afraid I hurt him, Matt. I’m no different than anyone else who has hurt him. I took sensitive stuff from his past and just threw it at the speed of light at him this morning. I think he went to bed too quickly last night before coming down all the way.”
“Colin,” Matt said in his warning tone.
“Why would I throw that shit at him? I’m not helping Anth and it’s hurting Sydney.”
“Colin, you’re under a lot of stress. Isn’t it about time to come home? Please consider, man. You guys have been gone for over two weeks.”
And as if on cue, I snapped at him.
“I’m trying to fix it! I’m trying to fix her and him and us! I can’t lose us!”
There was a long awkward silence and my heart was pounding. I’m scared of losing them, too.
“Colin, you can’t fix it all on your own. The three of you need time to heal. While you have the best supply of love between the three of you, you need outside support. Colin, Sydney was abducted and tortured. Paul got in her head and ran around like a tornado. He fought with Anthony in the woods and nearly took his life and Anthony killed him. Now, if all of that isn’t enough, throw in a physical and sexual assault by a sadist that he drunkenly consented to. There is so much pushing down on you guys. Please come home. I’ll come over and help and promise not to make things worse, but you need to come home where friends can help. Please.”
I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“We’ve made progress, Matt.” I tightened my jaw to prevent the sound from coming out but I failed. “I can’t lose them, Matt. I’m afraid that I’m not helping them and like today, I’m making things worse.”
“Colin, you aren’t, but you can’t hide there forever.”
I knew that. I fucking knew that. I knew I had a lot going on business wise in a very short amount of time. I’ve got to entertain Cheng for a week on top of making sure everything is in tip top order for his delivery to one of the properties at the end of the month.
“If you only listen to one thing that I say, don’t go to bed tonight without you and Anthony getting on the same page. If he woke up not grounded and then you and him argued, he’s going to be a mess. Don’t let it sit, Colin. You and him at odds will spread like wildfire between the three of you.”
“I understand. I’ll work on it.”
“Alright. Stay in touch with me tonight. I love you guys and you take care of that girl and each other.”
I promised him that I would and went back inside to find Sydney writing in her journal. I sat down beside her and wrapped my arms around her. I kissed her forehead and asked how Chris was today.
“He was okay. I told him we tried pillowcase restraints last night and that it went well except that I didn’t think Anthony was okay.”
I took a deep breath. I had it coming soon from Chris for sure. I looked at my watch and it was going on 5:30 p.m. and Anthony has been gone for nearly eight hours.
“I’m going to go find Anthony, baby. Stay inside, okay? I’ll arm the house alarm so you will feel safer.”
“Yes, Sir,” she said, though she looked skeptical.
I walked out on the deck and looked up and down the coastline until I saw him. He was sitting forty or fifty yards from the house. I knew he found comfort in sitting in the sand while he watched the water. I padded down the sand toward him hoping he and I could talk and that he wasn’t still angry with me, though I deserved it. The fact that he actually stayed away for over eight hours should have been confirmation for me that he was pissed. The sun was beginning to set and he had spent the day outside. Shit, he didn’t eat anything except for that piece of toast and juice this morning. Which also meant he didn’t have his antibiotic either.
As I got closer, I noticed his hair was a complete mess and he looked like he was sunburnt. His shorts were wet and he was visibly shaking. He had a pen in his hands and stared motionless out over the water. His face was tear streaked, his forehead had sand on it and his eyes were red. I stared open mouthed at him unsure of what to do. I wasn’t even sure this was Anthony. My first instinct was to grab him and pull him inside, but then I’d be motherly or fatherly and that wasn’t going to sit well. I hadn’t announced myself but his body jerked letting me know he saw me now.
“Hey,” he said quietly and not really sounding like himself.
“Mind if I sit?”
He shrugged but still didn’t look me in the eye. I noticed he pulled his legs up closer to his body as I sat down. Was he afraid of me? I wasn’t able to digest that thought and fear, but his demeanor was making me really nervous.
“You’re all wet and shaking.”
“Very observant, Master Colin.” His eyes barely moved. He was hurting; I’m to blame for this. I was working on an apology for being responsible for the state that he was in. He spoke up. “I was in the water and no, I didn’t go in just to go against you and the doctors. I fell...or tripped or whatever you prefer to call it.”
“Are you okay?”
I could hear him taking deep breaths and I knew that I was making him worse. He was probably trying to calm down so he didn’t drive his fist through me. I needed to try to mend this.
“I’m not made of glass. I can fall on the sand and still manage to get up on my own. I’ve gotten up all on my own from far worse things. You graciously reminded me this morning of many things I’ve gotten up from on my own because no one was ever fucking around to help me. I’ve pondered that all fucking day.”
I’m such a dick. I knew better than to argue with him this morning after last night.
“Anthony, I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t be. I’m the fucking useless, sorry one. You think you have to hold my hand to make sure I take my medicine, wear my jacket, eat my food, come during sex and on and on and on. I’m just the other dick.”
Fuck, how can he say that? I felt sick inside when he said that. Anthony has been the one solid person that I’ve really bonded with in the BDSM community. He was my best friend and brother in every sense of the word. Anthony and I are closer than Matt and I are. And he was in a committed relationship with Sydney and I.
“Anth, please stop. You’re not thinking clearly. It’s my fault I shoved you out this morning when you weren’t clear. I neglected to give you some care and it’s my fault you’re like this right now.”
He looked over at me with his dark eyes.
“I…am...not...your...submissive! You don’t have to coddle me! I can take care of my fucking self. I don’t need aftercare!”
“Fuck you! You know better than to say shit like that, Anthony! I have never, ever treated you like my submissive. You have been my equal in the bedroom, dungeon and my life for fifteen years! You didn’t come down last night, Anthony. You and I have always watched out for one another. Always. That hasn’t changed.”
“I know what changed. Victor. Are you angry with me over Victor? That’s what stemmed the entire thing this morning, I assume.”
“Am I angry about Victor?” I was lost. He really needed to come inside out of the element and get his head screwed on straight. He stood and just about stumbled forward. I stood but refrained from reaching out to steady him.
“I thought about a lot of things today. You say I shut you out and keep stuff to myself. I don’t mean to. I know you’ve been trying to get me to talk and tell you all the stuff on my mind. I wrote out all of the shit that I need to say. Here. This is everything I’ve been trying to say to you.”
He bent down and picked up the small, spiral notebook that he’s been glued to since Sydney was gone. He turned the tattered, water damaged pages to a specific spot and handed me the notebook. My eyes raced over the words and I put my hand over my stomach to keep the acid down. While I read the words, he crouched down in the damp sand. He was really a mess. His words hit me hard in the chest and I wished Matt was here because I was about ready to fall apart.
I have nightmares about Bruce and Connor still. I have nightmares about Paul and still can feel his guts spilling onto me. I still hear the gun going off and feeling the force of it in my hand. I still smell the blood. I hate belts. My chest hurts. I trust you with my life. I forgive Matt. I’m scared that you’re going to take Sydney away from me. I want to help Ross and his mom from the shelter. I was held down while Victor fucked me. I regret pushing you, Matt and Blake away when you were trying to help me. I like it when Sydney puts her hand over my scar at night. I’ve cried in the shower over pain from when Sydney was gone and from Victor. My stomach hurts almost all of the time now and the only thing that helps is when Sydney puts her hand over it. I’m scared of what you think of me anymore. I was punishing myself over Victor and wouldn’t let myself come. I’m cold and ache. I’m not weak. I love you and Sydney. I’m almost forty-one and the only home I’ve ever known has been the space I share with you and Sydney.
My eyes were full of tears and I even think some escaped. I said his name but didn’t get a response. I glanced over everything he wrote today and shook my head.
“I’m sorry I can’t say these things, Colin. But, now you know. I don’t know how to say most of them. Not without getting upset.” His voice quivered and he sniffled and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
I walked towards him but he stood and backed away from me slowly. Was he scared of me? Thankfully, I hadn’t seen that scrawled on the paper. He really was a mess right now and I needed to get him inside and taken care of. He spent the day dropping and he’s not getting better on his own.
“Anth, why are you backing away from me? Are you backing away because you’re pissed at me or scared of me?”
He didn’t answer so I continued forward with his written words etched in my head. This time he didn’t back up and stood firm on his spot. When he saw that I had tears running down my face he gave into his emotions and broke down. He buckled to the sand and held his head in his hands. I crouched across from him and put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t shove me away, so that was a good sign. I put my other hand on the back of his neck and gently tugged him closer. I was met with resistance and he turned his head away from me. His eyes were tightly closed and his hand went to his stomach.
“No, please don’t,” he said, almost begging me in a pained voice.
I was trying to put together what had happened and what may have caused this reaction. I did something. He seemed receptive a few moments ago and now the walls were back up and he was on the brink of panicking. I thought back to everything he handed to me on that piece of paper which are now burned into my memory. Suddenly, it was perfectly clear and I was deeply saddened. Hands touching the back of his neck triggers him
.
“Victor put his hand on the back of your neck when he held you down, didn’t he?” I asked as calmly as I could. I wasn’t sure if I’d get an answer. His head isn’t clear and he’s not on solid footing.
He kept his head downward, but nodded. Now I have insight on another detail from that night. I wanted to yell and hurl rocks out into the ocean, but knew he didn’t need that right now.
I let my knees drop down into the water and moved the hand I had on his neck to the to the other shoulder. He needed to understand.
“Look at me.” I waited until I could see his sad eyes. “I am not Victor. I will never, ever betray the trust you’ve put in me. Don’t be afraid that dropping your guard opens you up for assault. It doesn’t and you know that deep down.”
He nodded and broke down crying again. I pulled him into a hug and thumped his back. It poured out of him.
“Get it out, Anth. It’s okay, man. Just you and me. I got you, Anth.”
“I didn’t want it, Col. I consented, but just for him to hit me. I didn’t know what was happening because I was drunk and my head hurt so much. I denied it. Told myself it didn’t happen. It’s my fault.” I held him as tight as I could while he cried. He had me crying too. “Please don’t take her away from me, Col. I love her so much. Please. I know you don’t think I’m good enough for her, but I can make her smile.”
“Anth, calm down. I’m not taking her away from you. You’re perfect for her.”
This was Anthony’s soul, totally and completely bare and ripped open. Nothing hidden or out of sight. Everything that has been crushing him, he finally trusted me to help carry some of the weight. I continued to hug him in the wet sand. As I held onto him tightly, I had a feeling that this breakdown isn’t just over the past few months; this was over his entire life. His childhood was horrific and he spent his young adulthood avoiding things that would make him feel anything. I had a very strong suspicion, actually, I’d bet my life on it, that this was the very first time that Anthony has truly been held by someone who loves him unconditionally and would protect him at all costs. Usually, a person’s first experience with this is their childhood when they’re held by their parents. But Anthony never had that. Water moved around us without a care and Anthony continued to break down and cry. He needed this. It had been building like a volcano.