Lachlan rolls over and looks at me, his one eyebrow raised.
“What’s wrong?”
I rush around my room getting dressed so fast I put my shirt on inside out, twice. I throw the shirt on the bed and tears roll down my cheeks. Lachlan presses his lips together. He gets out of bed and grabs my shoulders, his cast scratching my skin.
“Talia?”
“I was supposed to go see her.” I’m full out crying now, standing in my room with only a bra and jeans on while my boxer-clad kind-of boyfriend looks at me like I’m crazy.
“When were you supposed to go see her?” he asks.
“This morning.”
Lachlan scrunches his face and glances at the clock beside my bed. It’s 3:00.
“But,” he starts and then stops to think. I know he thinks I am a big baby when it comes to Nan, but I’m glad he doesn’t look judge-y.
“Let me drive you.” Lachlan’s voice is even and he rubs my shoulders.
“I have my parent’s car.” I pull my shirt over my head and he stops me again, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I hug him back, my tears sliding on his bare chest. My hands slide up his back and grip his shoulders. I feel like I could touch him forever and never get sick of it, but for now I have to go.
“I want to drive you. You’re not really in the right state of mind,” he says. He has a point. I nod and kiss him fast on the cheek.
~
I stand at the door to the hospital room, afraid to open it. I’m afraid of what I’ll see and my thoughts buzz around the worst things that could have happened. She can’t be dead. I know that for sure. My mom would have come home for that. But the negative thoughts press in. I see Nan’s frail body, pale skin and bald head. I hear her raspy breaths and tired voice. I smell the sickness and antiseptic. I feel her calloused skin.
An arm slips around my waist and Lachlan kisses the back of my neck protectively.
“It’ll be okay, Talia. She isn’t going to be mad at you.”
I’m not so sure. I place a shaking hand on the doorknob and push it open slowly.
Nan is sitting on her bed, cross-legged, playing cards. She’s in a gown like usual and wearing the hat I made. Her cheeks are a little more flush and her eyes are a little brighter. She smiles a real authentic Nan smile. I just about burst out crying with all the emotion that floods my body. I’m wracked by guilt that I haven’t been to see her in so long and all the while she was getting better.
“Tali, darling. I was wondering when I’d see you.” She smiles wider when she sees Lachlan behind me. “I sure hope you kids used protection.”
Nan winks at Lachlan, and I stumble backwards into him. He’s laughing when he catches me and keeps me up on my feet, which are on fire along with the rest of my body.
“I’ll be in the car,” Lachlan whispers in my ear and it sends a shiver down me, which embarrasses me even further.
Nan has a big grin on her face. “That will teach you for forgetting your Nan for a boy.”
She winks at me this time because Lachlan is gone. Tears fill my eyes and Nan laughs.
“I’m only teasing. Come here beautiful!” She opens her arms and I crash into her, not thinking about how frail she still might be.
I’m crying but laughing at the same time. I really wish I could get a handle on these tears some day.
“But mom called, said not to freak out, said to check on you, I forgot.”
Nan is stroking my hair and laughing.
“What a terrible child I have. I’m sure you freaked out too.”
I nod and sit up.
“Well not all news is devastating. This time the news is good. I’m done my first round of treatment. So we have to wait a little bit, and I’ll get another scan to see if it’s gone.”
I cry harder and throw my arms around her again.
“I’m not out of the fog yet. I will still have another round of treatments, but if the spot shrunk my odds are better.”
I squeeze her and try to pass every good feeling and happy thought I have through it because I can’t find my voice.
“That’s why I wanted you to come in, but I guess you were busy.” Her eyebrows are pulled together but she’s smiling. Her voice is playful.
I blush again. “Sorry Nan.”
She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it.
“Don’t you be sorry. You need to stop fussing over me so much. I’m an old lady. I’ve lived a long time, and I don’t need you fussing. You’re young. You should be out having fun. But I thought you two broke up?”
“We did.”
“Because he beat up some boy you used to date?”
I opened my mouth twice before sound came out. “How did you know about that?”
“I hear things.” She raises her eyebrow. “Plus while you’re out gallivanting with the neighborhood boys, Georgina has her eyes and ears out for me.”
Of course.
“Speaking of Georgina, she told me that Greta approached her about the Charity Drive. Do you want to talk about that?”
I roll my eyes.
“She’s evil, that woman. She wants to ban the group because she doesn’t like Lachlan.”
Nan nods but she frowns.
“Greta told Georgina that she wants you to back out of the Drive. She’s fine with the rest of the ladies carrying on as normal.”
I start to shake, Deacon didn’t tell me that. Just me? I think back to when Deacon told me. He said you… I just assumed he meant all of us.
“Me? But I was juried in.”
Nan shrugs. “I don’t know, darling, but she really doesn’t want you to be involved. She can’t force you out, but I just want to let you know that Georgina will be talking to you about it today.”
“What should I do?” I start to chew on my finger and pull it out of my mouth. I can’t have a panic attack. I’ve just started to believe I can get them under control.
“I don’t know. I can’t help you with this one. You have to do what you think is right.”
~
I’m a thick black cloud of hate by the time I leave the hospital. My bones ache because my muscles are so tense and my arms are swinging violently. After everything that’s happened with Deacon, Janna, and Lachlan, this is the moment I decide to lose it.
Okay, I am not really deciding to lose it, the fiery rage that rips through me is deciding. I wonder if this is how Lachlan feels when he gets mad. I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t get it out.
Lachlan gets out of Georgina’s car, all happy looking. He notices quickly and the smile falls from his face. Now he’s walking toward me, concerned.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
I can’t keep it in anymore and I drop my bag on the ground and I let it all bubble over.
“What’s wrong?” I yell throwing my arms out. Lachlan looks confused.
“That stupid fucking bitch is what’s wrong.” The words feel sharp on my tongue. I never swear because I think it’s mostly unnecessary but it feels so good to say it. Lachlan seems more confused than ever.
“She wants me out. Me! That uppity snob and her douchebag grandson want me out of the Charity Drive. I thought it was all of us. But no. Just me.”
Lachlan tries to touch my face, and I push his hand away.
“No, No I am so sick of people treating me like I’m a baby. I am so fucking sick of deserving to be treated that way.” I laugh and Lachlan smirks.
“You know what?” I continue pointing in his face, his smile across his whole face now. “I’m going to have my own sale.”
I put my hands on my hips and nod my head. Lachlan’s laughing.
“I’m going to sell my own hats. On my own. Then I’ll give the money to the Shelter as a big fat go fuck yourself.”
I let out a huge breath and Lachlan steps up to me. I feel a thousand, no a million, times better. I feel hands on my hips and Lachlan draws my body into his.
“God, I love you.” He kisses me hard but I’m stunned
. Frozen in time, my lips refuse to move while my brain catches up.
Um, what?
I stare at him. How is it that I have the biggest meltdown ever and swear more in two minutes than I have in my entire life and still it’s Lachlan with the shock value.
He runs his thumb over my bottom lip that is hanging open, I’m sure of it. He lightly presses my jaw closed and kisses me again.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Lachlan
When I drop Talia off at her meeting she’s still on about how she’s going to stick it to Deacon’s grandmother. I’m all for it, and I think Talia’s super hot when she’s pissed at someone other than me. She turns to me with her hand on the door handle.
“Come in? I know you were booted from the team but I want you here,” she says. I see that I don’t get a choice. It is phrased as a question but I know Gram well enough to recognize rhetorical.
I shut the car off and get out just as my cell phone buzzes. Talia’s face slackens and her eyes get big. My whole body tenses. We stare at each other over the car, both very aware of what this means.
“Don’t go. What are they going to do? Just don’t go. My dad’s a lawyer. I’ll get him to help you.”
I know it’s desperate, but I want to believe her. I start to pull my hand out of my pocket. I can’t just not go.
“You don’t understand, Tali. I have to do this. Just this once and I’ll be done.”
“How do you know? How do you know they won’t just keep calling you, or coming after you? How do you know it’s over if you jump every time they call.”
“Because if I don’t they’ll do more than just ‘beat me up’” I mock her and I see the hurt in her eyes but she needs to understand.
“Why do you do that, Lachlan? Why do you act like you’re the only person in the world who has ever felt pain? Why do you always think you are the only one who can help you?”
That’s not true. But I don’t tell her that. What I say is entirely the wrong stupid thing to say.
“You think because you’re going to stand up to one old woman that you can solve my problems?”
I shouldn’t have said that. Her expression of disappointment confirms that I shouldn’t have said that.
“Call me later so I know you’re okay.” Then she turns and walks away.
I am such a fucking moron. Why did I say that?
I watch her until she disappears into the wool shop then pull out my phone.
It’s a new address. One I’ve never run to before. This doesn’t feel right.
Of course it doesn’t. The dealer doesn’t meet with a runner if it’s not important. Dangerous.
I see her through the big storefront window. Hugging Gram. My heart skips. I should listen to her. I should run after her and say sorry for the millionth time. I should help her plan her ridiculous coup of the Charity Drive. But the dealer said he’d go after her. I don’t think he would. I am pretty sure it was just a threat to make sure I do this drop, but I would rather her be pissed at me than in danger. Any day.
I get into Grams car and drive away.
~
The ride is silent, just the rumble of the engine as I drive to the drop. I park quite far away and as I walk in broad daylight to the drop site I wonder why this isn’t happening at night. Most runs happen at night, and this one feels off. Especially because of the size of the bag and the shady-ness of the house I’m standing in front of. It’s ten times creepier than Garret’s.
The thought makes my stomach tighten and my steps get slower and the crunching of the snow under my feet gets louder. I should just turn and walk away. Talia’s right, what are they going to do? They wouldn’t kill me. I laugh. This isn’t a fucking movie. It’s not like they’re a gang. I still can’t shake the thought that something is off when I approach the door. It’s open, just a little, and I try to peer inside. It’s dark. And quiet.
Too quiet.
My heart starts up, burning blood at such a speed it makes me dizzy. This dread feels familiar and I stand silently in front of the door trying to place it. I’ve been here before. Standing on the other side, kicking myself for not making the right choice. Here I am again, but this time I’m not 15. This time I’m not just some misguided kid. I should known better.
Fuck.
Pushing the door open with my foot, I drop the duffel on the ground and put my hands in the air before the cop with the gun pointed in my face has a chance to say anything.
CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
Talia
“I’m not sure that’s such a great idea, dear,” Georgina says. I clench my fist in my lap. I knew she wouldn’t like this plan for revolution I have blazing through my mind, and true I really haven’t given it enough thought yet but I’m excited. I want to do something. The Charity Drive isn’t about appearances or reputations. It’s about helping people.
“But, Georgina, she thinks she can wear her thousand dollar business suit and give a few bucks to the homeless. That’s helping them? It’s garbage and you know it. They don’t even give all the money to the shelter.” My voice is raised to a level that annoys even me.
“The Drive has costs, too, you know. They do the best they can.”
I snort.
“Nan told me they pay her. That’s she’s not even doing it on volunteer. She’s some sort of party planner and they pay her to organize.”
Georgina leans back in her chair and rubs her shoulder.
“You okay?”
“Oh I’m fine dear, just stiff today. Well if you want to stick it to the man, that’s great Talia, but I will sit this one out. I’m too old for this.”
She smiles, but it only moves half of her mouth. I glance over my shoulder to the door. Lachlan should be here by now. I’m worried about him but I can’t say anything to Georgina.
“Do you want me to give you a ride home? I’m not sure Lachlan’s coming.”
I look back to her and she’s looking at me but her eyes are empty. She isn’t focusing.
“I’m telling you, Nancy.” Georgina’s voice is angry. “I’m telling you now to get out. For the boy. You must protect him no matter what.”
I slide back in my chair and gape at her.
“Georgina?” I reach out my hand and she doesn't move. The side of her mouth is drooping and she still won’t focus. I shake her hand and it falls off her knee.
Something’s wrong. Very wrong.
I move my head frantically, but everyone has gone. The meeting’s over and everyone’s gone.
I fumble for my cell phone in my huge bag but can’t find it under the yarn. Georgina speaks again but this time it doesn’t make sense. The sounds she makes aren’t even words but she is looking at me now.
My hands shake violently and thoughts start swirling around my mind.
Don’t panic. Don’t panic.
I scan the shop again, as if someone would have magically appeared because I need help.
“Georgina?” I reach out to her just as a bubble of air bursts from her lungs. The sound freezes me right through every nerve and blood vessel. A vision of Janna flashes through my mind as she convulsed and foamed on the floor at the Halloween party.
I grab Georgina’s shoulders and shake her. I yell her name but her face has lost all control, she’s shaking and drooling and making this noise that rocks me back into focus.
I turn and run across the store. I jump over the counter, sending jewelry displays clattering to the ground. I run my shaking hands along shelf under the counter.
There’s a phone here. Where is it? The phone, the phone, the… My fingers touch the cold plastic, and I rip it out of the holder. I stab out 911 and run around the counter back to Georgina.
Her eyes are wide open but not focused on anything.
I cry out at the phone just as someone answers.
“911 what’s your emergency,” the male voice says.
I’m stunned silent for a moment because I don’t know what my emergency is. I don’t know what’s wrong.
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“Are you still there?” the voice sounds again, and I take a huge gulp of air.
“She’s, she’s not responding.” I say with a shaky voice.
“Not responding to what, miss?”
“Anything. Her eyes are open. She isn’t focusing. She was fine. We were talking then she just started mumbling nonsense. She was fine two minutes ago.”
The operator’s silent for a second.
“Please tell me your location, miss. I have an ambulance on the way.”
I nod, not thinking that he can’t see me.
“You’re location, miss.”
“Um, the Wool Shop on 13th Ave. What can I do? How can I help her?”
I reach out to touch her, but pull my hand back.
“Is she breathing?”
“I don’t know. I can’t tell.”
“Put your hand over her mouth. Can you feel air from her mouth or nose?”
I’m shaking so bad I don’t think I can hold the phone with one hand but I do. I put my hand by her mouth and a sob catches in my throat.
“Oh my god, oh my god. No I can’t feel it. She’s not breathing.”
“Do you know CPR, miss?”
“No!” I’m crying now. I pace in front of the chair and cry. The sight of Georgina crushes my heart further and further into my chest with every beat.
She’s dying, and I can’t help her. She’s dying, and I can only watch.
“I can walk you through it, Miss. You think you can do it?”
My head swims, the panic is in the back of my mind, but like when Janna was overdosing I feel of wave of clarity pass through me. I’m aware of everything down to every single individual sweat bead that has formed on my forehead.
I nod, and then remember he can’t see me.
“Yes, yes I can do it.”
CHAPTER THIRTY TWO
Lachlan
I’m sitting in the dirt outside of a rundown shit-hole in the worst area of town, and I’ve run my hand through my hair so many times I have snow on my face and dirt in my mouth. My body shakes and I can’t stand yet. I’m still in utter shock of how a gun pointed in my face ends up with me, uncuffed, sitting in the snow, totally free.
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