Deviant

by Jaimie Roberts

  My life.

  I went to back to work and my normal life, receiving sympathy from everyone. Of course, they all knew by now about Jeremy and me, but all I did was thank them. I didn’t want to discuss our situation. They were just people, after all. My only true friends were Ian and Louisa. They were both so supportive. They knew I was badly broken up by his passing, but they never once pushed me. They let me take the lead and mention him only when I was ready. Even if I did, they would wait to see if there was anything else I wanted to say about him before asking the odd question or two.

  They had both come the last two Friday’s for Spaghetti Bolognaise night. I wanted to go back to normal—well, as normal as possible. It seemed that Louisa was now a part of that Friday night ritual of ours now. We had always made a pact that we would never lose touch. That, no matter what, we had to keep the Friday night ritual alive. Of course, it was okay to miss the odd Friday, but as long as we kept the following one, we would be okay. Our friendship could never be lost.

  Today was Thursday and I was at work like normal. Andrew Walker was preoccupied, but he had been like that a lot lately. After what happened with Jeremy, he called me in to express his sincere condolences. With tears in my eyes, I thanked him, but I was determined not to cry now. I had to remain strong and focused. I had something else to zero my mind in on now. I had plans to make and research to do. It was what kept me going. As long as I could work on something, everything else can be pushed to the back of my mind. Jeremy was always going to be a part of me. He would never leave my head or my heart, but I had to have something else to keep me from breaking down.

  I just had to move on.

  “Are we still on for tomorrow?” Ian asked, making me jump a little.

  I nodded. “Yes, but Louisa can’t make it this time. She has a hot date with Pete, and they could only do it this Friday.”

  Ian smiled down at me as I shifted a little in my seat. “That’s okay. I’ll get to have you all to myself then.”

  I saw the glint in his eyes and rolled my own. “Don’t you ever stop?” I teased, knowing the answer to the question before he even spoke.

  “You know me,” he said with a wink. “Besides, I think you need cheering up. I’ll bring my normal red and white, and I may even bring along a movie for us to watch. What do you think?”

  I nodded with a smile. “That sounds great. I could use a good night with a good friend and a good movie.”

  Slapping his knee, Ian stood up. “Well, that’s settled then. I may even bring a chick-flick. See, that’s how much I love you, Tyler.” He winked again and walked back to his desk.

  Feeling a little better, I went back to work and carried on with my day. I had to leave early and needed to get everything done before I went. When five o’clock came around, I gathered everything I had and was walking towards the lift. With a sudden tug of my arm, Louisa stopped me. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” she asked with an eager smile.

  “I’ve got to get to the hospital before six. I—” I realised what I said and my whole posture deflated. Tears pooled in my eyes as Louisa stood there, placing a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.

  “I forgot. I’m so used to doing this every day that sometimes I forget he’s gone. Fuck, am I losing my mind?” I asked, my body leaning against the wall.

  “Of course not,” Louisa abolished. “Tyler, you just lost someone very close to you. It’s only been three weeks. It’s going to take time to adjust to everything that’s happened.” Coming in closer to me, she whispered softly, “Listen, I know you don’t really need to leave right now, but maybe you should take some time for yourself. You’ve been rushed off your feet since you got back. No one will think anything different about you for it. Besides, I think you need to go eat something. You really look pale and you’ve lost a lot of weight. In fact, stay right here.” Louisa rushed off before I could ask her what the hell she was doing. Five minutes later, she came back with her bag and coat in her arms.

  “What are you doing?” Louisa never left this early.

  Pulling her coat on, she dragged me towards the lift doors. “I’m taking you to get something to eat, Tyler. I won’t have you looking like a skeleton. You’ve lost your natural lovely curves. I need to get those hips of yours pumped out again.” She smiled, giving me that cheeky grin of hers. I wasn’t hungry, but I also wasn’t going to argue with her.

  Louisa took me to our local bistro, ordered me a burger—without my permission—and sat there watching me as I ate. She stated that she wasn’t going to leave until I ate every single morsel. So I sat there pushing every bite into my mouth until she was satisfied there was nothing left. I felt full and I felt sick, but at least, according to Louisa, I wasn’t pale anymore.

  After the bill was paid, Louisa went back to work, and I got in my car and drove home. The clouds were gathering and the darker it got, the more the stench of rain stung my nose. I knew it was going to come down, and I knew I had to get home before the heavens opened. As I parked and got out of my car, a bolt of lightning suddenly streaked through the sky, making me jump. A few seconds later, an almighty boom sounded in my ears, prompting me to walk a little faster. I could feel the beginnings of rain pelting against my head as I clambered up the stairs towards the door to my building.

  An elderly neighbour of mine was there and gave me a beaming smile. “I was wondering whether I should go out to the shops. I’m not so sure now,” he said, tipping his hat.

  I shook my head. “I wouldn’t, if I were you. Maybe it’s one of those thunderstorms that leaves just as quickly as it came.” With that said, another bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, making us both duck a little at the same time. We laughed, but another boom sounded straight after.

  “Yes,” he said, heading for the door. “I think I’ll go later.”

  He insisted on holding the door open for me and I smiled as we both went in. I said goodbye and headed straight to my lift. For some reason, I had this sudden urge for Twiglets again. It was odd, considering I had never really eaten them before now. I smiled to myself, thinking Jeremy had really rubbed off on me. It still hurt, I still felt guilty, and I even spoke to him night after night, begging for his forgiveness for something I knew I didn’t do. It was silly, really, but I felt I needed to do it because I still couldn’t get rid of this nagging feeling I had something to do with his death. Did Jeremy just give up? That was a question which would never be answered.

  As I got settled at home, I went to the bathroom and noticed that my toilet paper had been turned around. I had to smile. He had been here today and this was his way of telling me.

  But behind my smile lay an element of anger. In these last two weeks, I had time to think on our relationship—however strange it was. He left me when I needed him the most. I didn’t care about the circumstances. He abandoned me.

  So, this was the reason behind my planning. I wasn’t going to give into him this time. No matter what he offered me, I couldn’t let him win.

  As the evening progressed, my adrenaline kicked up a notch with the anticipation that Lotus would visit me tonight. And I knew he would. I knew this was his way of telling me he was coming. Whether it would end up being a mistake on his part remained to be seen. All I knew was that he was going to have a surprise in store once he did turn up.

  Once it got to be after eleven, I quit watching television and went to work getting ready for bed. I slipped on a nightie, then slid my feet underneath my warm sheets. I stretched, yawning, feeling more tired than I’ve been in ages. I was determined not to go to sleep, though. I had to make sure I stayed up no matter what, even if it meant not getting any sleep at all.

  About an hour or so passed and I started doubting whether Lotus would really show up. I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t after deliberately notifying me of his presence. It was at that moment I felt it…his presence. I could feel him and even smell his familiar musky scent before he even moved. I was in tune with it now. Always so ready for his
visits.

  Smiling, I threw the covers off me and bolted up in bed, shooting my arm out to turn on my bedside light. My stranger was faster, though, and grabbed my wrist before I could reach the light.

  “Fuck!” I screamed, as my stranger straddled me, holding my wrists in a vice-like grip.

  “Tyler, that was very naughty of you. Do I need to remind you of what happens to naughty girls like you?”

  I wriggled underneath him, not wanting to let the divine smell of him take over. I couldn’t let him take over. “Fuck you!” I seethed. I was still angry and I held onto that anger as much as possible.

  “Are you wanting to fight me today? Do you get off on playing the struggling female?”

  The fucker thought I was playing a game? “I’m being serious, you asshole. You fucking left me. I needed you and you pissed off.”

  I felt him gripping harder to my wrists and it made me cry out a little. “You called out another man’s name when we were kissing. What else do you think I would fucking do?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe forgive me? Was it really so much for me to ask when you knew for a fact I wasn’t myself? And don’t pretend you don’t know. I lost someone! I had just fucking buried someone close to me and you weren’t there!”

  Shaking the bed a little, my stranger growled. “What the fuck do you want from me, Tyler? What do you want?!”

  “I want you! I want you to want me. I want to know who you are. Tell me!” I could feel the tears forming, but I was determined not to let them fall. I wouldn’t let him reduce me to that.

  “No!” he growled again.

  “Who are you?!” I shouted, knowing that he was quickly losing his resolve. I could hear it in his voice and feel it through his grip.

  “Don’t ask me that question!”

  “Who are you?!” I screamed again, almost spitting in his direction. I didn’t care if I was. I was too angry and had too much pent up frustration over this faceless man. I had to know. I had to see it for myself.

  “Stop asking!” he shouted back, and I knew I could break him. I knew I could finally crack his cool resolve.

  “Who the fuck are you?!” I shouted again, feeling the tension rise throughout my body.

  My stranger, my Lotus, still had my arms pinned to the bed so I couldn’t move. “I am the man of your dreams, and your worst fucking nightmare. I am the one from whom you will never escape. I will always be there, always be haunting your dreams and you’re every fucking waking moment.”

  I struggled again, but he was too strong. I couldn’t understand why he was so tender one moment, so rotten the next. He warned me that he was a demon, but I could never believe that he was. It seemed like he wanted to hurt me, but I couldn’t understand why.

  “Don’t struggle, Tyler. You will never win. I always fucking win.”

  I knew he was right, but I wasn’t going to back down. I saw my moment to hurt him, and struck. I raised my knee and hit him right where it hurts. He soon rolled off, doubling over in pain. It would seem he was just a man after all.

  “Get out!” I screamed, pointing to the door. I thought he would argue. I thought he would retaliate in some way, but he surprised me. He picked himself up off the floor and headed towards the door. He stood motionless in the doorframe. The only thing I could see was the outline of his silhouette in that hoodie I had come to know and love. The mysterious man I had come to know and love.

  “This isn’t over,” he finally stated in a raspy voice.

  I should have said something. I should have moved, but I was stuck to the bed as I watched him leave my apartment. I sat there and listened as the door clicked, notifying me he was gone. As usual, I did my thing and searched through the apartment to make sure he did, in fact, leave.

  At that moment, I wanted to cry. I wanted to mourn the loss of my stranger who had been such a huge part of my life for so long. After all this time of becoming complacent with him, I never realized he was, in fact, out to hurt me. But why? What had I done that was so wrong, it was worth stalking me all these years, messing up my apartment, and giving me the best sex I would ever have? And I knew he was right about that. Now that I tasted him, nobody would ever compare. But now I knew he did this just so he could hurt me. But hurt me for what reason?

  With those thoughts running around in my head, I went to bed and planned what I was going to do next. I needed to think and I needed to think quickly. Lotus left, but before he went, he left me with the knowledge I hadn’t seen the last of him. I had to act. For a change, I had to be in control. It was my turn now. And I was determined to give him the shock of his life.

  Chapter 42

  I knew it was getting closer to that time. That was why I had to act. I had to get that fucking bastard Dean out of the way. He had been rubbing it in ever since that first day of school, but I wasn’t going to let him get past me now. I knew things. I knew a lot of things. I had friends who knew people, and it was that which sparked my plan into action. I had to get rid of him, but in order to do that, I had to somehow get rid of his parents. So, clutching the letter in my hand, I walked towards the post box. I knew once that letter slipped through the hole, everything would change. Dean would change, Tyler would change, but it had to be done. To get him the fuck out of Tyler’s life, it had to be done. No doubt, he would eventually find out about this letter and then, in turn, he would find out what Tyler had done. Or, shall I say, what she’s supposed to have done?

  I had thought about it long and hard. I wondered for a while whether this might somehow put Tyler in danger. I didn’t think so. Dean was many things, but he would never hurt Tyler—no matter how much he thought she had hurt him.

  With my mind made up, I stepped forward a little more and placed the letter at the mouth of the post box. Breathing in deeply, I let my fingers loosen and the letter fall from my grip. As I exhaled with a contented sigh, I smiled.

  Let the chips fall where they may.

  Chapter 43

  Tyler

  The next day, I went into work and set about my normal tasks. But beneath my normal front at work, I researched. I used my full resources to my advantage and took back control of my life. The other thing I did at work was observe. I observed everybody. I did it in a way they couldn’t see I was spying on them. It was amazing what you picked up on at work once you just stepped back and took notice. Brandy, to my left, bit her lip when she looked confused or lost. Thomas, to my right, picked his nose—quite a lot. Eww. Louisa, to my far right, played with her hair when she read, and Ian, to my far left, frowned when he typed.

  It was at that moment, while I was staring at him, that he looked up and smiled. He held his finger up to me for me to wait a second, so I did. I watched as he typed something, then a ping on my phone notified me of a new message.

  Are we still on for tonight? It’s Spaghetti Bolognaise night. :)

  I chuckled and looked up at Ian with a smile. I raised my thumb to him to let him know that it was still on, then got back to work. I carried on with my research, looking up Lotus first. There must be some significance to this name. I knew that wasn’t what he was really called. I typed it in the search engine and the first thing that came up was the Lotus cars. I knew that couldn’t be any significance, so I carried on scrolling. It was only when I reached the bottom that I noticed another suggestion for a search. I clicked on “Lotus Flower Meaning” and read its significance. It seemed that the lotus flower bloomed from murky waters, just like my stranger had said. It was a symbol of rebirth, desire, and spiritual enlightenment. Still none the wiser, I typed in “Lotus Flower Revenge”, and what came up was very interesting. It would seem that, in Buddhism, the lotus flower was a symbol of cause-and-effect. A live symbol of karma in action. It seemed he lived so much for revenge that not only did he wear its symbol on his shoulder, he also called himself by the flower’s name.

  Sitting back in my chair, I pondered this for a moment. So my stranger was, in fact, out to harm me. But why? It was then that a lit
tle voice inside my head told me to be careful. The bouncer at the club warned me that he was dangerous. I knew he was. I just didn’t realise just how much he meant to my heart.

  Determined to find out more, I strived on for more information. I didn’t care if I ended up late at work because of it. I needed to know why the man of my dreams had suddenly become my worst nightmare. If there was one thing I had always been good at, it was research. You had to in this line of work, and now I was using it to my full advantage.

  In my three hours of virtually non-stop Lotus homework, I found out quite a lot. My heart thumped and my head hurt with knowledge, but it was nowhere near how much my heart was hurting now. It wasn’t a dream I had the other night when I thought Dean was holding me in his arms and caressing my necklace. It was real. My stranger was real. In fact, he even owned the apartment block I stayed in. It was in another name, but I knew it was him. My stranger wasn’t a stranger at all.

  He was my long-lost love, Dean. And I knew just where I could find him.

  *****

  It was just after six when I finally left work. I had somewhere to go, but I also had to wait a little while until I could go where I needed to. In an effort to pass the time, I looked around the shops, looking at all the sales, but not really taking any of it in. I was too consumed with the knowledge that my Dean was back, but he was out to hurt me. My heart drowned in a sea of despair. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was I had done. But I was determined to figure it out, one way or the other. I had to find him and look him in the eye so he could tell me face-to-face what I had done so wrong that it warranted him breaking me apart. And I did feel broken apart. Dean had always been the love of my life. For years, I kept that image of him as that cheeky, skinny, tall boy who wanted nothing more than to make me happy. What happened to that boy? What turned him against me so fiercely?