Pirates of Underwhere
Page 4
Zeke and I found Hector and hurried home. According to my calculations, we had just enough time to outwit the sea serpents, help the Undies take Port Heinie, make it back for the town meeting, and stop the UnderLord.
If all went well.
But the way my day was going, happy endings were the last thing I could count on.
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
Bobby Bob’s Big Surprise
We popped out of the portal and dashed for home. A kid on a bike saw us leave the construction site. But we couldn’t worry about our secret getting out.
Caitlyn was waiting when we got home.
And Caitlyn didn’t like to wait.
“I thought you little smigmotes wanted to go to this meeting!” she yelled as we ran up.
“We do,” I said.
“Well, it doesn’t look like it!” Caitlyn bellowed. “In the car! In, in, in!”
I held up one finger. “Bathroom?”
“At light speed!”
I had a funny feeling about the town meeting, so I dashed in, grabbed the Brush, and shoved it into my backpack. I may not be a Boy Scout, but it’s only smart to be prepared.
All the way to City Hall, Caitlyn groused and groaned. She came up with some new insults to call us. Since I’m a princess, I won’t repeat them.
A big mob crowded around the building. Caitlyn elbowed her way through to the front row. We followed.
At the top of the steps stood Mayor Rumley, a round man who looked like a beardless Santa Claus. Something big and lumpy lay covered up on a tabletop beside him.
“And here’s the model for the new City Hall Mr. Moxenboxer is buying us,” he said. The mayor pulled a sheet off the miniature building.
“Oooh!” went the people. Across the group, I saw Dr. Prufrock. Even he looked impressed.
The model had more towers than the Taj Mahal, oodles of pillars, fountains, and a gold-colored roof. This was no city hall; this was a palace.
Zeke nudged me. “I wish the Undies would build us one of those.”
“Here is the spa and Jacuzzi, and here’s the garage for our new fleet of Mercedes,” said Mayor Rumley, pointing at the model.
“Ahhh!” went the audience. Caitlyn scribbled on her notepad.
“And now, I’d like to introduce the man who’s making this all possible: Mr. Bobby Bob Moxenboxer himself!”
Dressed all in green, Bobby Bob bounced up from his seat and approached the podium. He was so short, he disappeared behind it. Mr. Rumley coughed in embarrassment, and then scooted up a chair for him.
Bobby Bob stood on it and grinned at the crowd. He tipped his ten-gallon hat. “Howdy, friends!” he said.
“Howdy, Bobby Bob,” the people replied.
“Howdy, cheapskate fake coin guy who’s really the UnderLord,” muttered Hector.
Just then I noticed the two government spies, Agent Belly and Agent Mole, standing off to the side.
“What, H.U.S.H.?” I said.
“Hush yourself,” said Caitlyn. “I can’t hear the dude.”
I tuned back into what Bobby Bob was saying.
“…Made a fortune in the plumbing biz,” he drawled. “Bobby Bob’s filthy rich, and he lurrrves this li’l ol’ town so much, he wants to buy it from y’all.”
Puzzled faces greeted his announcement.
“Oh, y’all can still live here—but Bobby Bob will be your friendly landlord.”
Dr. Prufrock spoke up. “So you want to buy our whole town?”
“Bull’s-eye!” cried Bobby Bob. “And the City Council here has already given me the okeydokey.”
I noticed the City Council members in their front-row seats. Their clothes looked brand-new and expensive. Jewelry glittered from their necks and hands.
Honestly. Some people like money way too much.
“How much are you offering?” asked an old lady from the crowd.
“Enough to make each and every one of you a millionaire!” said Bobby Bob.
The group erupted in cheers and argument. Everyone talked at once.
I huddled with Zeke and Hector. “The UnderLord wants to buy our town!”
“And it’s not even for sale,” said Hector.
Zeke scratched his head. “But why buy the town?”
“Well,” I said. “If he owns everything, he could search anyone’s house for the Throne or the Brush. He could search our house!”
“We’ve got to stop him,” said Zeke. “But how?”
Suddenly, the mob roared. I looked up. Bobby Bob was tossing handfuls of gold into the audience.
“Fake coins again?” said Hector.
“That’s it!” I said. “Let’s show everyone that they’re fake.”
Zeke crinkled his forehead. “But don’t we need…”
I reached into my book bag. “This?” I pulled out the Brush.
“Grab some of that gold,” said Hector.
Luckily, Caitlyn had caught several coins. “Omigod, I’m gonna be, like, totally mondo-rich!” she squealed. “Tiffany will scream her lungs out!”
“Can I see one of those?” I asked.
Her eyes narrowed. “What for?”
“It’s very important,” said Zeke.
“Okay,” said Caitlyn, “but give it right back.”
Zeke held the coin in his palm and I started rubbing the Brush over it.
“You might not want it back,” said Zeke.
“Because as you can see,” I said, “it’s a fake!”
Caitlyn looked closely, then snorted. “Yeah, right, Steffo. You’re gonna have to be trickier than that to separate this girl from her gold.”
I gaped. The gold coin was still golden. But…
“That can’t be,” said Hector. “Mine was a fake.”
Caitlyn grinned. “Well, mine isn’t.” She snatched her coin back.
Zeke stared at the Brush. I followed his glance, noticing the golden bristles, the painted handle with the frowny face…
Frowny face?
“I think I see the real fake,” he said.
I gasped. “This brush isn’t the Brush!”
“Sure,” said Caitlyn, “it’s a coffee pot. Now shut your faceplates, zimwats. I’ve gotta get this down on paper.” She resumed her scribbling.
Hector frowned. “So if this brush isn’t the real Brush, then that means…”
“We stole back a phony!” said Zeke.
“Mr. Wheener tricked us!” I said.
CHAPTER 14
Truth or Daring
“That little rodent!” said Zeke.
“Big rodent, actually,” said Hector. “And who knows what he did with the real Brush?”
On the steps of the hall, Bobby Bob Moxenboxer was calling for order. “Mah friends! Now that y’all have seen the color of Bobby Bob’s coin, let’s vote.”
My mind raced. We had to stall him until we could figure out how to unmask the UnderLord’s plot.
I shouted out, “What if we have some questions?”
Bobby Bob scanned the crowd but didn’t spot us. “Questions?” he asked. “Who in tarnation could have any questions about Bobby Bob’s fine offer?”
A tall man raised his hand. “Actually, I’ve got one,” he said. “Our million bucks—will it be cash or check?”
People laughed. While Bobby Bob answered, I grabbed Zeke and Hector.
“You guys create a diversion,” I said.
“What are you going to do?” asked Zeke.
I raised the brush. “Get Bobby Bob to confess.”
“But that brush doesn’t make people tell the truth,” said Hector. “It’s fake.”
“Maybe so,” I said. “But he doesn’t know that.”
I started edging through the audience, working my way to the sidelines. If I could creep up on Bobby Bob before he saw me…
“Help! Somebody help!” cried Hector behind me.
I glanced back. He was bending over Zeke, who had fallen.
People crowded around
. “What is it, sweetie?” asked a curly-haired woman.
“My friend—he’s real sick!”
“What’s he got?” asked someone else, as Zeke twitched on the ground.
I kept moving. By now I was near the stairs.
“Um, boogie fever!” said Hector. “Stay back—it’s contagious!”
Zeke’s twitching got frenzied. He choked out, “Gack! Ga-gack-gack!” Then he jumped to his feet and started shaking his rear.
“Boog-oog, boogie-oogie-oogie!” he cried. “The g-g-groove has got me!”
Bobby Bob stared at Zeke, mouth open. Then a light went on in his eyes.
“Calm that scudder down!” he said. “Ah know that boy, and he’s a pure-ol’ troublemaker.”
Caitlyn snagged Zeke’s arm. She felt his forehead. “You’re not sick, runt, but you’re gonna, like, wish you were.”
Mayor Rumley leaned into the microphone. “Settle down, folks. Let’s get back to business.”
Too many bodies blocked me from my target. I needed more time.
Hector noticed my problem. “Hey, mister,” he called to Bobby Bob. “Where are you from?”
“Underwh—uh, from under the great flag of Texas, son,” said the short man.
“Then you should be able to name the Texas state capital,” said Hector.
Bobby Bob scowled. “Why, uh…”
“Austin,” said Hector. “Or the state flower?”
“The, um…”
“Bluebonnet,” said Hector. “Or the state serpent?”
“That’s enough of this—,” Bobby Bob retorted.
“Bull snake,” said Hector. “You know, for a Texan, you sure don’t know much about Texas.”
I was only five feet from Bobby Bob. Time to make my move.
I dashed forward and raised the brush.
“Look out!” someone cried.
“The Brush!” shouted Dr. Prufrock.
Bobby Bob turned in time to see it descend. “The Brush?!” he shrieked.
I rubbed it on his back—once, twice, three times.
“Tell the truth,” I said. “You’re not really Bobby Bob, are you?”
The little man’s eyes popped out. His face went red. “N-n-n-no, I’m not!”
“And that gold isn’t real, is it?”
The phony Texan stuttered, “It’s n-n-not!”
At that, the crowd gasped.
“It’s fa—” Bobby Bob stopped and squinted. “Hey, that’s no truth-telling spell.” He spun and snatched the fake brush. “This isn’t the Brush!”
I stepped to the mike. “He’s the UnderLord,” I said. “And he’s not going to make you millionaires. He’s trying to buy our town with fake gold!”
The mob booed and surged forward.
“You tryin’ to swindle us, shrimp?” asked the curly-haired woman.
“You mean my gold’s, like, totally bogus?” wailed Caitlyn.
The fake Bobby Bob Moxenboxer snarled. “A pox on all you Uplanders! And you”—he pointed at me—“you’ll see me again. This isn’t over!”
With that, he shook his right fist and shot out his fingers. “Menthazar!”
Powf!
Sparks showered. Blue smoke rolled over the podium and the surprised crowd. Coughing, I searched for the UnderLord.
But he was gone.
The mayor blinked. “Does this mean we’re not getting our new City Hall?”
CHAPTER 15
Down the Drain Again
The next day, I didn’t know how to feel. I’d never been so confused by trying to do right.
We had frustrated the UnderLord’s plan, which was good. But we had lost the Brush to Mr. Wheener, which was bad. I had stood up for the Undies with Zeke and Hector—good. But I got kicked off the Mathletes team before our first match—really bad.
At least one thing brought a smile. After the town meeting, we had passed the phony brush to the two spies. Let them run their high-tech tests on that!
All through class that day, Melvin kept smirking at Zeke and me. And this boy had one ugly smirk. Maybe he’d taken the Brush from us, but at least we could be thankful that this monkey brain didn’t know about Underwhere.
After school, I went to watch the Mathletes compete. Amir and the others looked so smart in their red team shirts. But someone was missing.
“Mrs. R,” I said, going up to her. “Where’s Heather?”
“She’s sick,” said Mrs. Ricotta. “We’ll have to compete without her.”
“Let Stephanie take her place,” someone said.
I turned around, and there was Zeke.
“She’s missed two practices,” said Mrs. Ricotta. “It wouldn’t be fair.”
He shook his head. “You don’t understand. Steph is a math freak. She only missed practice because of me, and she just finished an awesome math project for the Un—uh, unbelievably lucky friends of ours.”
Mrs. R looked at Zeke with a funny expression, but she said, “Okay.”
I didn’t wait to hear it twice. After donning a spare T-shirt, I joined the team.
The match went back and forth. We hit our dingers and shouted out our answers. In the end, our team won by a single point.
Afterward, Zeke and I walked home together.
“So,” I said, “what did you think?”
“Nerd city,” he said, raising a shoulder.
I smiled. We turned off Sycamore onto our street.
“You know,” said Zeke. “I never thought I’d say this, but…”
“What? ‘My sister is the smartest and prettiest girl ever’?”
“No, Steph-apotamus,” he said. “That it’s actually good to have a day off from saving the planet.”
Hector and Fitz came running up the sidewalk to meet us.
“Ree-eeow, rauw,” Fitz yowled.
“Come quick, you guys!” cried Hector. He looked worried.
I flashed a glance at Zeke. “What is it?”
“Melvin,” said Hector.
Zeke slumped. “What’s he done now, stolen the Throne?”
“Worse,” said Hector. “I was out looking for Fitz, and I found him in that construction site.”
“Yes…?” I said.
Hector hustled us up the street. “And you’ll never guess who I saw there.”
“Melvin,” said Zeke. “Duh.”
“Duh, yourself,” said Hector. “Melvin has gone into Underwhere.”
I stopped cold. “Oh, no.”
“Oh, yes.”
Zeke smiled and shook his head. “So much for that day off.”
Basic math: One bully, plus a magical land, minus common sense, equals…big trouble.
“Guess we’ve got another problem to solve,” I said.
About the Author and the Illustrator
BRUCE HALE (Bruce the Blackheart) is not much of a seafarer, so his pirate experience has mostly been limited to crying out “Aaaarrrr, me hearties!” every now and then. He’s dropped anchor in Santa Barbara, California, where he writes and illustrates the popular Chet Gecko mysteries. For a look at his pirate grimace and his many hats, visit him online at www.brucehale.com.
SHANE HILLMAN (Hellfire Hillman, Comic Book Buccaneer) is the illustrator of PRINCE OF UNDERWHERE as well as the creator of many comic strips on the web and in print. He lives in Houston, Texas. To learn more about his ambitious plan to conquer the seven seas using only pen and ink, check out www.shanehillman.com.
Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.
Also by Bruce Hale
THE UNDERWHERE SERIES
Prince of Underwhere
Flyboy of Underwhere
Credits
Cover art © 2008 by Shane Hillman
Copyright
PIRATES OF UNDERWHERE. Text copyright © 2008 by Bruce Hale. Illustrations copyright © 2008 by Shane Hillman. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been gran
ted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
Adobe Digital Edition May 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-185074-5
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