by L. Wilder
“You’re gonna have to give me more than that, Samantha.”
“The guy … he had a video of you and the guys at some warehouse. I have to admit, I was surprised by what I saw on that video. You never shared that part of your life with me.” She inhaled a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It was hard to see everything, but there was a lot of gunfire. It showed you shooting a man. And not only you. Moose, T-Bone, and a few of the others were all involved in the shooting. Together, you killed six men, but you didn’t stop there. You also burned down the warehouse to cover your tracks. It’s all on that video. Mom threatened to take that video to the police if I didn’t stop seeing you.”
I remembered that night all too well, and hearing that someone had recorded me and my brothers made me feel like someone had just pulled the rug from beneath my feet. I couldn’t believe it. I’d fucked up. I’d fucked up big. I wasn’t a man who made mistakes like that, not even back then. I always watched my back. I couldn’t believe I’d actually had someone tailing me and didn’t even fucking know it. A mistake like that could’ve cost me more than just the woman I loved. It could’ve cost me everything. In barely a whisper, I grumbled, “Fuck.”
“I knew if I told you about it, you’d say you didn’t care … that we’d find a way to work it out. But I knew my mother, Gus. She’d made up her mind that she didn’t want us together, and with her and my father’s connections, she would’ve made it impossible for us to keep seeing one another.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My worst nightmare had become a reality, and I didn’t even know it. The thought made me angry. So very angry. Angry with Samantha. Her mother. Angry with myself. I should’ve been more careful, and then I wouldn’t have lost her. I wouldn’t have put my boys in danger. “You would’ve ended up in jail. You and your brothers. You would’ve lost everything that you worked so hard to build, and they would’ve blamed you for it. They would’ve known that your connection to me cost them their freedom and everything they cared about. I couldn’t let that happen. I loved you too much.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“What difference would it have made? The end result would’ve been the same,” she argued. “At least, this way you were able to have your life. Your club. Your brothers.”
A part of me knew she was right, but I wanted to believe that I could’ve fixed things if I’d had the chance—if she’d just trusted me enough to talk to me. “But I didn’t have you, and I didn’t have my daughter!”
“You know about August?”
“Her birthday. Her name. Yeah, it didn’t take much to connect the dots. The fucked-up part of all this? I would have never known I even had a daughter if Harper hadn’t been in danger.”
“I think that’s one of the reasons I sent her to you … I was hoping that you would find out. That the truth would finally come out.”
“That’s one hell of a way for the truth to come out. Not only do I find out that I have daughter, but also a granddaughter, and that she was missing. You got any idea what that did to me?” Clenching my jaw, I tried to rein in my hurt and bitterness, but it couldn’t be done. Every bit of betrayal I’d felt all those years ago when she left with no explanation came rushing back, right along with the all-consuming hurt that followed after I discovered she’d kept my daughter from me for over twenty-five years. It was too much. “Twenty-five years I’ve missed with her. Three years without my granddaughter. That’s time I will never get back!”
“Gus, you have to understand. I did what I thought was best for all of us. I was trying to protect you, and when I found out I was pregnant, my parents pushed me to marry Denis. He knew I didn’t love him, but because he thought so much of my father, he went along with my mother’s wishes … pretended that August was his own.” Her voice grew soft as she told me, “We had a good life, but he always knew my heart belonged to another. That never changed, and when my parents died, his commitment to me died along with them.”
“And yet, you still didn’t come to me. You kept your secrets all to yourself. You didn’t even tell August the truth. Made her think that piece-of-shit Denis Rayburn was her father. You’ve lied to her all these years, just like you did to me!”
“I know. I know all of this, Gus. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry that I lied to her, and I kept you both apart for so long,” she cried. “I just didn’t know what to do. By the time my parents died, too much time had gone by. I didn’t know how I was supposed to tell you. It was easier just to pretend that the lie was real.”
“Easier for who? You? Me … August?” I understood that she left to protect me, but I couldn’t let go of the fact that she’d kept our child away from me. It was unforgivable. I would’ve never done that to her, not for any reason. “Exactly, who was it easier for, because where I stand, you were the one who had it easy.”
“You might think that, but you’re wrong. None of this was easy for me. Every time I looked at August, all I could see was you. Your eyes. Your smile. Your hair. Even your stubborn spirit. These little pieces of you were a constant reminder of what I’d left behind, and I had to see them every day of my life.”
“But you still had her. You got to be there … to be a part of her life. Do you have any idea what I would’ve given to be there? To see how beautiful you looked carrying our child. To watch her grow in your belly. To see her the day she was born? I would’ve given the world to see that girl grow up, to be a part of her life, but you took that from me. You say you did what you thought was best for all of us, but you were wrong, Samantha. I should’ve been there. August should’ve had a father who loved her, not just some fucking fill-in your mother chose.”
“And how were you going to be that kind of father to her if you were behind bars? That would’ve been no kind of life for you or for her. You can blame me all you want, but the truth remains. My mother would’ve made sure you and your brothers spent your lives in prison if I didn’t walk away. Don’t you get that!”
Her words cut through my heart like a knife. I knew what she was saying was true, but that didn’t erase the pain I felt in my gut—the pain I knew I’d feel for years to come. “Maybe, but at least then I would’ve known the truth. I would’ve known why you’d left, why you’d kept my child from me. I wouldn’t have spent the last twenty-five years thinking that I wasn’t what you wanted, that you didn’t love me the way I loved you.”
“I loved you with all my heart and soul, Gus. I loved you more than I thought was humanly possible, that’s why I did what I did! I sacrificed everything … my happiness, my chance at love, the life I wanted, so you could have those things. I loved you that much!” She started to sob uncontrollably. Damn. It gutted me to see her so upset. I had to fight the urge to try and console her. A part of me wanted to do just that. I wanted to forgive her for keeping August from me even after her parents died and put this all behind us, but the other side of me knew that wasn’t possible—at least not yet. “If you want to tear me down and make me pay for the choices I’ve made, you can rest easy because I’ve suffered plenty. I spent my entire life loving a man I couldn’t have.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to say, Samantha.”
“I don’t want you to say anything, Gus. I just want you to understand why I did what I did. I made my mistakes. I know I did. I know there is so much wrong with this whole situation, but I gave up everything for you. I never loved another. Never had more children because I couldn’t bear the thought of carrying another man’s child. I only wanted you, and I had to spend every day and night knowing that I’d lost you. It was hell, Gus. It still is. I’ve never stopped loving you. Even now, I still have all those same feelings for you, and I don’t know what to do with that. In my mind, I know I can’t change what I’ve done, that we can never go back, but my heart still longs for you.”
“Dammit, Samantha.” I’d heard enough. I’d been trying with everything I had to keep the shitstorm that was raging inside me under control, but I was losing ground. I nee
ded to get the fuck out of there and clear my head. Without looking at her, I charged for the door and said, “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
When I stepped out in the hall, I took in a deep breath, hoping to collect myself only to find August standing there. It was clear from the expression on her face that she’d heard our conversation. I stepped towards her, but she held up her hand, stopping me in my tracks. “I’m sorry, Gus, but I can’t talk about this right now. It’s all too much. I need some time to wrap my head around it.”
Having no other choice, I nodded and said, “I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
With that, I turned and walked away, leaving her crying in the hallway. It gutted me to see her hurting like that, especially since I understood the pain she was feeling, but I hoped in time she’d be willing to talk to me about everything that had happened. I hoped we both would.
Samantha
It’s amazing how time has a way of changing a person. When I was younger, I felt so full of life. I was driven and confident, secure in my own skin, but with each heartbreak, with each of life’s little injustices, a piece of me broke. Over the years, I changed. I lost that spark that burned inside of me and was simply a shell of what I used to be. The same didn’t hold true for Gus. Instead, he was everything he used to be and more. When he walked into the room, everyone took notice—everyone. Power and confidence radiated off of him like no man I’d ever known before. His body was thicker, fuller and even more muscular than it was when we were younger, and with his salt and pepper hair, he looked so unbelievably sexy. Of all the changes in him, the one I noticed the most was that fierce look in his eyes. I was a little jealous of that look—the one that implied that life had thrown its punches, but he’d remained standing. He hadn’t let it defeat him the way it had me.
I’d spent so many sleepless nights thinking about what it would be like if I ever crossed paths with Gus again. Sadly, our encounter was nothing like I’d hoped it would be. He didn’t instantly forgive me. He didn’t take me in his arms, hold me and kiss me the way he used to. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at me, much less forgive me. He was so angry and bitter. I don’t know why I thought he might behave differently. I knew Gus. I knew the kind of man he was, and I’d let him down. I’d let us both down.
With a heavy heart, I crawled into bed, and as I stared up at the ceiling, I found myself thinking back to the night I left. It was a night I’d thought about many times over the years. I’d known for days that I would have to leave. My mother had given me a week before she’d release the video to the police. I should’ve left him right away, but I just couldn’t make myself go. It was so hard to think I’d never see him again, especially when I loved him the way I did. I wanted to savor every moment I had with him, and that’s exactly what I did–right down to our very last night together.
Gus had taken me on one of our rides out in the country, and we’d stopped at a little creek. I’d laid us out a blanket along the bank, and we were watching the fish swim by as the cool breeze whipped around us. He was sitting close, just like he always did, making me feel like I was the most important thing in the world to him. After tossing a few pebbles into the water, Gus looked over at me with those gorgeous dark eyes of his and said, “You know, we need to start thinking about finding us a place to live.”
I could’ve told him the truth then, but I wasn’t ready for the fairytale to end. “We have plenty of time for all of that. Besides, we have my apartment.”
“I want us to have a place that’s ours.”
“I do, too.” I wasn’t lying when I told him that. I wanted a home with him, a future with children, and a life we could share together, and it broke my heart that we couldn’t have it. “But, we have lots going on right now. You and the club. Me and my job. Maybe right now isn’t the best time for us to be worrying about that.”
“Maybe not, but it doesn’t hurt to talk about it.”
“I guess not. I just don’t want us to get our hopes up.”
“Why not? We’re just talking, right?” He smiled as he pushed, “So, just tell me. Where would you like to live?”
“If we were living in a perfect world where everything was just the way we wanted, I’d have to say midtown. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”
“Of course.” He chuckled as he asked, “And what kind of house would you like to have?”
“I don’t know. Anything’s fine with me, Gus.”
“Oh, no. You’re not getting off that easy. Tell me what you’d want.”
I leaned back and thought for a moment, then answered, “Okay. Again, this is all a fantasyland kind of thing, but I’d love to have one of those little cottages with the cobblestone fireplaces at the front of the house and a small front porch with stone columns and maybe a rose garden in the back.”
“Is that all?”
“Yeah.” I leaned a little closer to him, “But, honestly … as long as I knew you were coming home to me every night, I wouldn’t care what kind of house we had.”
His expression softened, and before I knew what was happening, his mouth was on mine. Without breaking the kiss, he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me into his lap. I whimpered softly when his tongue delved deeper into my mouth. Shamelessly filled with desire, I wound my arms around his neck and shifted my position. Once I was facing him, I carefully straddled my knees at his sides. His hands slipped under my t-shirt, roaming possessively over my body as he deepened the kiss. I loved how he made me feel so wanted, so desired. We were both quickly getting carried away, forgetting that we were out in broad daylight, until a car drove by only a few yards away. While I found it doubtful that they could see anything, Gus pulled back from our embrace and said, “It’s time to go.”
“What?” I gasped. “I thought we had all afternoon.”
“We did.” He eased me off of him and quickly started to stand. Once he was on his feet, he extended his hand to me and said, “But, then you went and kissed me like that, and now, we have to go.”
“We do?”
As he pulled me to my feet, he answered, “Yeah, we do.”
“Why’s that?” I teased.
“Cause I need to bury myself inside my woman, and I have no intention of doing that out here where God and anyone else can see.” He placed his hands on my hips and pulled me close. “What you have going on is for my eyes only.”
“Oh.”
“Now, get that smokin’ hot ass of yours on that bike,” he ordered with the sexiest smirk I’d ever seen. I nodded, grabbed the blanket off the ground, and rushed over to his motorcycle. I was about to put on my helmet when Gus came up to me and said, “You know what?”
“What?”
“I’m pretty crazy about you.”
I’d heard him say those words to me many times, but there was something in his tone that made my chest tighten, like a hot dagger had just impaled my heart. My voice trembled as I repeated his words back to him. “I’m pretty crazy about you, too, Gus.”
We went back to the clubhouse and spent the afternoon making love: at first, fast and filled with desire, and then slow and tender. Gus made us a bite to eat, and it was well after midnight when he finally drifted off to sleep. I’d never gotten the courage to actually tell him about leaving. I’d considered it many times, but always ended up deciding against it. I knew exactly what would happen if I told Gus the truth. He would try to talk me out of leaving, and my mother would send that video to the police. I simply couldn’t let that happen. He meant too much to me. Doing the only thing I could, I eased out of bed and wrote him a farewell letter, pleading with him not to come after me. A little part of me died with each word I wrote, and by the time I was done, I was utterly devastated. I tiptoed over to the bed and stared down at him one last time, trying to burn every inch of him into my memory. With tears streaming down my face, I placed the letter next to his pillow and forced myself to walk out of the room.
When I’d left that day, my heart was irreparably broke
n. I had quickly spiraled into a terrible depression. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. And if I had my choice, I would’ve never gotten out of bed. I would’ve just laid there in my own misery and just let the darkness consume me. Unfortunately, I was staying with my parents, and my mother wasn’t exactly understanding about my state of mind. She’d spend hours lecturing me, going on and on about how ashamed she was of me. When it finally got unbearable to lay there and listen to her, I would get up and go to work. At least there, I could have some peace and quiet. I’d like to say that over time things got easier, but they didn’t. Day in and day out, all I could think about was Gus. I missed him terribly, and I just wanted to go back to him. Knowing I’d never see him again broke something inside of me, making me numb and bitter.
I’d been home for just over six weeks when I started feeling nauseous all the time. At first, I thought it was just part of the depression, but then I realized I hadn’t gotten my period. After I’d gotten a positive result from a pregnancy test, a wave of hope washed over me. I thought I finally had the one piece of the puzzle I needed to persuade my mother to let me go back home to Gus.
When I rushed into my parents’ bedroom, I found her sitting up on her bed reading the paper. I could hear my father in the bathroom taking as shower as I tapped on the door and stepped inside. “Mom?”
She lowered her paper and said, “Well, hello, Samantha. It’s nice to see you out of the bed for a change.”
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.” She put her paper to the side and asked, “What do you have on your mind?”
“Well, I haven’t been feeling very well … I’ve been really tired and nauseous, so today I decide to … umm …”