by L. Wilder
“Come on, Samantha. Just tell me already.”
“Well, I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant.”
She glared at me with a cold, blank expression for several seconds, then said, “It’s just one problem after another with you, isn’t it?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s not like I intended for this to happen.”
“Intentional or not, you’ll have to get rid of it, Samantha.”
“What?”
“You heard me. There’s no way you can have this baby.”
“Are you kidding me? You want me to have an abortion?” I gasped. “You want me to kill my baby?”
“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Samantha!” she fussed. “People have abortions every day. It’s simply a means to an end, and this thing with you and that man must come to an end.”
“No.” I clenched my fists at my sides as I shouted, “For as long as I can remember, you have dictated every aspect of my life, Mother. You will not dictate this. I am not going to have an abortion. Not now. Not ever.”
“And just what do you think you’re going to do?”
“I’ll go back to Gus and—”
“That’s not an option, and you know it,” she interrupted. “I’ll give that video to the police before I’ll ever let that happen.”
“Why can’t you just let me live my life?”
“You know why!” she huffed. “Your father’s campaign is on the line.”
“Of course. The campaign,” I grumbled. “That’s all that matters to you. My happiness has certainly never meant a damn thing to you.”
“I’ve always wanted the very best for you, Samantha. I’ve never accepted anything less and never will. I won’t apologize for that.” She crossed her arms as she sat there studying me for several moments. “If you want to keep this baby, that’s fine. Keep it, but you’ll need to get married right away. He’ll need to be someone suitable. Someone the family can be proud of. Someone who can help you raise this child up in a proper home.”
“And who would that be, Mother?”
“Well, I’ve always thought a lot of Denis Rayburn. I think he would make a wonderful husband and, now, I suppose a great father to your unborn child,” she answered proudly.
I cringed at the thought, but if it meant keeping my baby, I would do whatever I had to do. “Fine, but what makes you think he would marry me?”
“He would jump at the chance, darling.”
Just as the words left her mouth, my father stepped out of the bathroom. He was in his pajama pants and t-shirt, and his hair was still damp as he started towards the bed. “Who would jump at the chance?”
“Denis.” Mom smiled and said, “I think he would be thrilled to have August as his better half. Don’t you?”
His eyes narrowed. “What are my girls up to now?”
“Nothing, dear,” Mom lied. “We’re just talking about possibilities and all that.”
“Um-hmm.” My father cocked his eyebrow as he said, “I didn’t think Samantha cared much for Denis.”
“Don’t be silly. She’s crazy about him. I think we should ask him over for dinner tomorrow night,” Mom suggested.
“Oh, really?” Dad looked over to me as he asked, “What do you think of that idea, sweetheart?”
I glanced over at Mom, and when I saw the cold look in her eye, I knew what my answer had to be. “Yeah, I think that sounds great.”
“All right then. I’ll ask him first thing in the morning.”
“Okay.” As I turned and headed out of the room, I had to fight back the tears as I mumbled, “Good night.”
It turned out that Mom was right. Denis did agree to the marriage. I had no idea why, and honestly, I didn’t care. I just wanted the whole thing to be over. We had the wedding at my parents’ house with just family and friends, and when it was over, Denis and I went back to his house. We barely even spoke. He helped me put my things in the closet, we put on our pajamas, and got into bed. He rolled over with his back to mine and fell asleep. I cried myself to sleep that night and so many nights after. We spent most nights like that—never talking, never touching, and I was okay with that. I never loved Denis, and he never loved me. We’d had a marriage of convenience, and when my parents died, I was thankful that the marriage ended.
Those memories had haunted me for years. There was no way I could ever truly explain to Gus how hard it had been for me. That didn’t excuse the fact that I hadn’t come to him when my parents died. Every time I would muster up the courage to call him, I would talk myself out of it. I was afraid that he’d just end up hating me for keeping his daughter from him, on top of already hating me for leaving, and I didn’t have the strength to handle it—any of it. I knew it was wrong, just like I knew it was wrong not to talk to him the night I left that note, and yet, I still didn’t pick up the phone. Instead, I waited, praying that one day I’d find a way to tell him the truth. I guess, in a way, I finally did.
Gus
I spent the entire night going over everything Samantha had told me, trying my best to make sense of it all. Even though I believed her when she said she’d done it all to protect me, I was still having a hard time swallowing it—partly because I felt guilty for the part I played in it all. If I’d been more careful, if I’d been paying more attention and watching my back, then I’d have known that someone was watching us. That way her mother wouldn’t have had the means to blackmail her like she did. Because of the mistakes I made, Samantha was forced to make an impossible decision. I wasn’t so sure I wouldn’t have done the same if I were in her shoes. Hell, I would’ve done anything to protect her. While I had my doubts that there was anything I could’ve done to fix the situation, I wished I would’ve had a chance to set things right. At least then I wouldn’t have spent the last twenty-five years wondering why she’d just walked away. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could only move forward. It was the only thing any of us could do.
With that in mind, I got up the next morning and met with Viper and the others. Riggs and Hammer were able to hack into all of Polito’s security systems, but there was one hitch. The cameras at the house weren’t showing us anything—just the view of the outside. Before we could move forward with the plan, Riggs would have to get us eyes inside that house. He felt certain that he could resolve the issue without a great deal of trouble, but he’d need some help. Knowing they could help him get the job done, I sent Murphy and Gunner to Polito’s place with Riggs.
Once they were gone, we all continued to discuss the plan of attack. After we got everything sorted, the rest of the brothers started to disperse, leaving Viper and me alone at the conference table. I was surprised when he looked over to me and said, “That Riggs kid is something else.”
“Yeah, he is,” I answered with pride. Each of my boys brought something special to the club, but Riggs could do shit that blew my mind. I don’t know how he pulled off the things he did. I was just glad the boy was on my side of the fucking fence, cause I sure as hell wouldn’t want it the other way around. “I’m lucky to have him.”
“You’ve got a great group of brothers. You should be proud.”
“I am.” My chest tightened as I said, “I’ve made my mistakes over the years, more than I care to say, but choosing these boys as my brothers wasn’t one of them.”
“I got this nephew. His name’s Clay.” His expression grew serious as he continued, “He’s a good kid, but he got tangled up with the wrong crew. His mother has tried to get him on the right track, but his old man was killed in a trucking accident a few years back and it’s been rough on them all.”
“Hate to hear that. There anything I can do?”
“I was wondering if you’d consider letting him come down to Memphis and hang with y’all for a bit. That way he’d get a feel for the club life, and if you think he’s got what it takes to be one of your Fury boys, maybe he could prospect for ya.”
His voice was strained, letting me know tha
t it wasn’t easy for him to ask such a favor. I figured the kid must’ve been pretty special to him or he wouldn’t have asked. “Why not have him prospect for you?”
“The kid needs a fresh start, brother. Too much shit holding him back here.”
“How old is he?”
“He’s twenty-two but looks closer to thirty.” He shook his head as he continued, “He’s a mountain of a kid. Six-seven and about two-eighty. He’s got a beard thicker than mine.”
“You think he’ll be up for coming down to Memphis?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay, then. Send him on.” I looked him right in the eye as I said, “But ya gotta know, I’m not making any promises here, brother. It’s up to Clay whether or not this things works.”
“Completely understood. Send his ass right back if he don’t fall in line.”
“That I’ll do.” I chuckled as I stood. “I’ve got something I need to tend to, but it shouldn’t take long. If anything comes up, just give me a call.”
“You got it.”
I walked out of the room, and when I stepped into the hall, I was surprised to see August talking to Hawk, the Sinners’ sergeant-at-arms. I might’ve been concerned that he was making another play, but Gunner had already had words with him. Gunner might seem like a nice guy and all, but Hawk would be a fool to go up against him. As I continued down the hall, I called out to her.
“August?” She whipped around, and it was clear from her expression that I’d caught her off guard. “I was hoping you’d be around.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Wondered if you had a few minutes for us to talk?”
Her voice trembled. “Now?”
“Unless you’ve got somewhere else you need to be?”
“No. Mom is watching Harper, so I don’t have anywhere that I need to be, at least not for a little while.” She shrugged with a nervous smile. “So, yeah. I guess I’m free to talk.”
“Good.” I motioned for her to follow. “Let’s find a place where we can talk privately.”
I led her out of the clubhouse and out into the parking lot. When we got over to my bike, she gasped, “Wait … You’re wanting me to ride on that?”
“Yeah.” The look of horror mixed with excitement got to me, and I had to fight back my smile. “Haven’t you ever been on a motorcycle before?”
“No, not exactly.”
After missing so many of her firsts, it was nice to know that I would be able to take my daughter on her first ride. If I had anything to say about it, I’d be taking Harper on her first ride as well. As I handed her a helmet, I replied, “Well, there’s a first time for everything.”
While she strapped on her helmet, I put on mine, then helped her ease on the bike behind me. Once she was settled, I started up the engine. August was stiff as board and clinging to me with all her might when we pulled out of the parking lot, but after twenty minutes or so, her grip loosened and I could feel the tension in her muscles start to relax. I could’ve gone somewhere close, but I wanted her first ride to be something she could remember. And I also wanted to enjoy the moment with my daughter, so I went on out to Radnor Lake State Park. It was a place I always liked to ride whenever I was in Nashville, and I hoped that August would enjoy the views of the lake. After I found a spot to park, we headed over to a small picnic table by the water and sat down.
I looked over at her, and I was overcome with emotion. I couldn’t take any credit for it, but August was a good person with a heart of gold—a daughter that any man would be proud of. Knowing she was my daughter, that she was part of my own flesh and blood, made my heart swell with pride. The thought choked me up, making my voice strained as I told her, “I have so many things I want to say to you, but I don’t have a clue where to start.”
“I know. I feel the same way.” She inhaled a deep breath then said, “I wish things could’ve been different … that you didn’t have to find out about me like this.”
“We both know Samantha had her reasons for keeping you from me, and I’m trying to come to terms with those.” I thought back to the damn video tape, and my stomach twisted into a knot. August had overheard the conversation between Samantha and me, so in my mind, she’d already heard too much. I wasn’t going to delve deeper into that rabbit hole, but I wanted her to know that I felt guilty for the part I played in things. “I just can’t stop thinking about how different things could’ve been if I’d just followed my gut and had gone after her.”
“Why didn’t you?”
I reached into my pocket and took out my wallet, pulling out the letter her mother had written me all those years ago. I’d carried it with me since the day she left, and I’d read it more times than I could count. I carefully opened it up and offered her the worn piece of paper. Her eyes widened as she glanced down at the paper and saw that it was from her mother. As I watched her read it, I thought back to the words Samantha had written. I’d read it so many times I’d memorized it by heart.
August 19, 1994
Gus,
I’ve been lying here watching you sleep for hours, just thinking about the time we’ve shared together. This summer has been the best few months of my life. I can honestly say I’ve never been happier, and that’s all because of you. I love you, Gus. I love you with every fiber of my being. You mean so much to me, more than I thought possible. With you, I’ve learned how it feels to truly love and to be loved. That’s why this letter is so hard to write.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, and I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter how much I love you or you love me. It just isn’t enough. We’re from two different worlds, headed down two completely different paths, and if we stay together, we’re only going to end up destroying one another. I can’t bear for that to happen. I love you too much. It breaks my heart to say this to you, but I’m leaving Memphis. I am asking you to please respect my decision. Don’t try to find me. Don’t call me. Let me find a way to move on, and I will do the same for you. It’s the only way either of us will ever make it through this.
This wasn’t an easy decision for me. In fact, it’s killing me to walk away from you, but deep down I know it’s the right thing to do. Please remember—I love you today, I loved you yesterday, and I will love you tomorrow and always. That will never change.
Love,
Samantha
The first time I read that letter, I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that she’d really left, but as the days passed and she hadn’t returned, it slowly started to sink in. I read the letter again and again, each time becoming more and more resentful and angry. I’d thought she’d just blown me off like some summer fucking fling. Sure, I read the letter, but I wasn’t hearing what she was trying to say. I was too blinded by my own pride to actually realize that she was trying to tell me something wasn’t right. I wasn’t sure I really ever understood just how much she was truly hurting until I read it once again last night. I hated that I’d been so damn blind. When August finished reading the letter, she looked up at me with tears streaming down her beautiful face. “Oh, Gus.”
“I bet I’ve read that letter a million times over the years.” Unable to look her in the eye, I turned and looked out at the water. That letter had held so much meaning for me over the years, and to find out that I’d gotten it wrong, ripped at me like nothing I’d ever felt before. The sounds of the waves crashing against the bank helped distract me from the tightness I felt building in my throat. “Now, it finally makes sense why she didn’t come back to me.”
“You really did love her, didn’t you?”
“I did. I think I always will.” I hadn’t exactly been celibate over the past twenty-five years. I’d spent time with a couple of the hang-arounds from time to time, even dated a woman from up north for a couple of months, but nothing with them ever lasted. My heart simply wasn’t in it. There was only one woman I wanted, and I wouldn’t commit myself to any other. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us if I did. I glanced bac
k over to August as I told her, “I tried to move on, tried to forget about the time we had together, but in all my years of searching, I never found anyone who made me feel the way she did.”
“So, you never married?”
“Never.” I shook my head and shrugged. “Didn’t seem right to tie myself to someone who I couldn’t truly give my heart to.”
After studying me for a moment, her lips curled into a warm smile. “I can see why she loved you so much.”
It was hard to believe that I could actually love someone that I’d just met, but there I sat, staring at my beautiful daughter, and there was no doubt in my mind that I loved her. Hell, I’d move heaven and earth for her and Harper. “I want you to know that if I had known about you, I would’ve—”
“I know, Gus,” she interrupted. “And so would I, but we can’t go back. We’ve just gotta find a way to move forward from this. We all do.”
I knew she was right. There were so many things I wanted to change, but it couldn’t be done. We just had to find a way to accept things the way they were and find a way to make the best of it. I just wasn’t sure how. “You got any idea how we do that?”
“No, but I’m sure we can figure it out.”
“I certainly hope so.” In the little time I’d known her, August had proven herself to be a daughter any man could be proud to have. She was beautiful and smart, a wonderful mother, and she had grit. Lots of it. I reached out and placed my hand on her arm and said, “You’re everything a father could want in a daughter, and I really hope you’ll give me a chance to get to know you and Harper better.”
“I’d like that.” She paused for a moment, then winced as she asked, “What about Mom? Do you think you could forgive her? That you two could find a way to work past all this?”
“I’d like to say we could, but I honestly don’t know.” Forgiveness wasn’t something I was good at. When I felt I’d been wronged in some way, I held a grudge, a hard one, and this was no different. The anger and hurt still felt too fresh, and I wasn’t sure I had it in me to forgive Samantha. I glanced back over at the lake as I answered, “There’s been so much hurt, years and years of it, and not just for me. Samantha endured plenty of heartache of her own. I just don’t know how we move on from that.”